The defamation campaign has begun and it made me cold

[sam_the_wise]

I am a warm person. I assume people to be good and friends. I went with same spirit to my in laws. However, now she told them what happened in our camping trip and according to her my mother in law and my brother in law disgusted by me because I ate dirt, hit myself and created a scene. I guess I am to blame here. I should’ve been calm and firm. But this hurts that people to whom I showed nothing but respect and love, chose to judge me, given the first chance. I was not a typical Indian son in law who is aloof and domineering. I wish I was, I think I will be. I am very bitter right now.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Pook075]

Hey buddy.  Unfortunately, your in-laws first responsibility is to be there for their kid.  I know it might feel like they're only taking her side right now, but I promise you that they see a lot more than they're letting on.

Stay strong, my friend.  You'll get through this.

[sam_the_wise]

She just insulted me called me names, maligned my past future and present, used profane language about me and my therapist and threw me out of the apartment with my stuff. I just hope the trend continues and she divorces me. Call me discriminatory but I don’t want to do anything with BPD people. It might be a disorder and they might not be enjoying it but no one has right to destroy someone’s life. Maybe Hitler and Dahlmer had personality disorders too, I don’t want to be around people with such messed up way of living and treating other people.

[waverider]

She just insulted me called me names, maligned my past future and present, used profane language about me and my therapist and threw me out of the apartment with my stuff. I just hope the trend continues and she divorces me. Call me discriminatory but I don’t want to do anything with BPD people. It might be a disorder and they might not be enjoying it but no one has right to destroy someone’s life. Maybe Hitler and Dahlmer had personality disorders too, I don’t want to be around people with such messed up way of living and treating other people.

What will you do when she flips over to the other side and doesn't divorce you but tries to draw you back in again? A lot of the issue with pwBPD is that their attitude is not constant, but push / pull and its hard to keep your own path. A clean break is not always as easy as it sounds.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hey Sam,

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I understood where you are coming from. Having a disorder is not an excuse for treating others badly.

Where are you staying right now? Are you still seeing your therapist?

Perhaps some time staying in a separate place away from her will give you some space to be kind to yourself and give you a break to take care of your needs.

[Pook075]

Hey Sam,

I’m sorry you’re going through this. I understood where you are coming from. Having a disorder is not an excuse for treating others badly.

Where are you staying right now? Are you still seeing your therapist?

Perhaps some time staying in a separate place away from her will give you some space to be kind to yourself and give you a break to take care of your needs.

I agree, some space to clear your head and reset could be a very good thing in this situation.  Verbal abuse is still abuse, and nobody is supposed to just sit back and suffer silently in those situations.  Step away for a bit, get around people that love you, and focus on yourself for a little while.

Also, please remember that the hurtful things she says are not your reality...it's her reality based on a mental disorder.  You are not that person that she claims to see, so please try your hardest to stop focusing on what she said.  You have to be bigger than that for your own mental health.

[sam_the_wise]

She was threatening to sue me and my parents. She had said that she wants to die and want me to die as well. She ran off from the campsite in the middle off the night to do god knows what then she started driving the car off just like that to go home. I accept that I was not calm and I acted out like hitting myself, fighting back insults etc. as well in response to her actions.

When she finally said uproot the tent and let’s get home. I was not entirely sure she was going to stop while I carefully pack things so I just stuffed things up in the car. She said the rearview mirror is blocked. Only thought in my mind was this woman will sue me later that he created life threatening situations for me or something like that and I was not sure if she would stay if I start packing it all again. So I just threw away the stuff.

Now they found it at the campsite and I made arrangements to pick it up. She is saying I am such a brat and a obnoxious person who throws away stuff. I fought back the urge to explain why I did it because she will get all riled up again, for blaming her.

You know what I thought she is going to divorce and sue me or leave me stranded on a campsite. I did what I thought was best.

[sam_the_wise]

Leaving the space is not an option she knows it is an advice from a therapist and identifies it as clear indication of me saying that she is out of line contrary to her narrative that I am such a good for nothing person who has oppressed her and all she is doing is expressing herself. Oppressor which is me has no right to exit the situation. If I do it gets much much worse for me. All my faults which make me an oppressor are nothing but my attempts to exit the situation when I got overwhelmed.

If I exit I should exit the marriage, if it is anything less than that I will suffer more. To listen to verbal abuse to be called names and insulted for being borne is my life.

I just keep repeating this to myself that SHE IS THE MONSTER. SHE IS FREAKING BPD. SHE IS MENTALLY ILL. IT IS NOT MY FAULT. I AM A GOOD PERSON. SHE IS BPD. SHE IS BPD. SHE IS BPD.

[notacarguy]

I am going through an eerily similar experience. I started staying with my parents about a month ago, and honestly, it's really hard being away from my kids, but it's better than being in the same house as my wife. She had been mentally abusive for years, but in recent months had become physically abusive too. I've decided that I am going to file for divorce and I am starting to get my ducks lined up now. I haven't told her yet that I am going to file; it's really awkward, uncomfortable, and painful.

Educating myself about BPD by reading and talking to others who have experience with it has been the most helpful to me mentally through all this. I'm searching for a therapist as well, and being very intentional about taking care of myself (nutrition, exercise, meditation, spirituality). I just joined this site today hoping to find resources and a community for more support.

Hang in there. You'll get through this. Determine what you need to do, make a plan, do the work. Adjust as necessary. I find that just getting clear on what I want brings relief, and then each step I take in that direction brings more relief. You can do it.

[ForeverDad]

notacarguy, I replied to your other post.  Please refrain from telling her you plan to divorce.  Otherwise she may take other steps, beyond what she's already done, to sabotage you.  As you wrote, get your ducks in a row.

While you are supposed to share when trying to make a marriage work, once you've concluded it is failing and had failed, then you stop sharing all information.  Limit it to necessary financial matters and, of course, parenting information such as exchanges, their health, etc.

When it finally gets to court usually the first order of business is the court makes a "temp order" that includes a parenting schedule.  Know in advance she has already shown her true colors by trying to block regular contact and parenting with the children.  She may demand no visitation, supervised visitation or some other restrictions on parenting.  At that first hearing you will have little time to state your case, so you and your lawyer have to fight any restrictions to your parenting as unjustified by the facts.  Sitting back and letting it happen to you is NOT a strategy.  Being smartly proactive is far better than being passive.  (In my case, CPS investigated me and stated they had "no concerns" about me.)

Mod note: further replies to this subdiscussion may be found at Reply #6 and onward at My wife has undiagnosed BPD and I need help

[sam_the_wise]

She hit me with stones today -three big ones. She was yelling her throat off the entire drive of two hours which culminated in her hitting me with stones.

I told her this is it. I am separating. I told her, you figure out all that you have to figure out this grief or whatever you have. I cannot be in a situation where I am physically abused. That’s a line I don’t cross.

Hope I have clean break

[waverider]

Hope I have clean break

pwBPD dont do clean breaks, they have a burnt earth approach, hence the advice to stop arguing, threatening, warning and debating. Sharing your plans is just exposing yourself to circumventing, and proactive retaliation

[ForeverDad]

If you were an idiot, then you'll have a lot of company here.  You're like us Good Guys and Good Gals.  So don't feel too bad...

When my ex was arrested for threatening me the police officer specifically warned me not to recant my report or get back with her again.  He said if I did it would get even more worse...

And beware of those late night interrogations when your ex demands confessions, "No sleep until we fix it tonight."  You have a right to remain silent.

Frankly, many of us Nice Guys and Nice Gals are at high risk of feeling guilted or obligated into "going back".

Often here you will see us quoting "BPD FOG"...
as in F.O.G. = Fear, Obligation, Guilt

Be prepared since she is likely to make you feel obligated and feel guilted, perhaps even feel fearful.  If you are tempted to relapse back into the relationship yet again, be forewarned you will simply be exposed to more of these dysfunctional push-pull cycles.

Medicine works best when taken sooner.

[Turkish]

Sam,

How are you doing now? Were you injured in any way by the thrown stones? If so, did you document?

[Pook075]

Sam,

How are you doing now? Were you injured in any way by the thrown stones? If so, did you document?

Hey Sam,

How are you doing?  We're all a little worried and just checking in.  Please feel free to hop back in and we can talk this out.

[sam_the_wise]

I was not injured much. She became apologetic and said this is unacceptable, keeps saying she doesn’t justify throwing stones, but at the same time asserts that I was being arrogant and selfish so she did it.

There was another fight where she started saying that I treat her like a mistress as I am not emotionally available. Whenever I draw a boundary and ask her not to call me names or not to fight with me or disagree with her version of the truth she says I am emotionally unavailable. When she said I treat her like mistress, I lost my temper and said I want divorce. Held my end until next day evening but folded like lawn chair when she started crying and feeling sorry for herself and lonely.

I am loosing it at work too. This marriage has completely derailed me.

I can’t stay and it seems like I cannot get out either. I am such a pathetic looser. She treats me like PLEASE READ and expects me to be grateful for it. I am doing that now. I have resigned myself to have no self respect or worth and eat her PLEASE READ and hope she will either leave me, have mercy on me and stop PLEASE READting on me or I die. At this point death seems most easy option. 

[ForeverDad]

 
Hi friend, you're not alone!  However, it is late at night for most here so there are few members online now.  I know you've been disparaged and worse for a long, long time by someone who should be encouraging you rather than hurting you, your posts give testimony to all the unfairness and blaming you've experienced.  But I repeat, you're not alone!

However, this is a remote and anonymous peer support site, so our aid is limited (especially right now).  In addition to our help, you can seek more directed aid.  There is both help here (though limited) and elsewhere.  Don't give up.  There are always hope and alternative solutions!

Text resources:

741-741  Crisis Text Line & Counseling
988          Suicide & Crisis Lifeline

Her verbal attacks and manipulation may not seem to be Domestic Violence but words and emotional violence can be even more damaging than physical attacks.  Can you please contact your local DV resources?
In addition, tomorrow morning or Monday at the latest, can you seek to begin sessions with a local counselor who can assist you in starting recovery?  You're in no shape to do recovery alone, so take advantage of whatever local resources are available.

Give yourself time to start recovering your life.  Recovery is a process, not an event.

[ForeverDad]

I suspect a counselor or therapist would describe your extreme distress as situational, meaning that you would not be feeling as devastated as you are if you were not in this abusive relationship.

The point I'm making is that if you ponder what is the biggest crisis issue here that needs to be dealt with first and foremost, it's not about you as much as it is about her.  Sure, counseling would definitely help you immensely.  But the biggest improvement would start with addressing your closest, most impactful relationship.

[sam_the_wise]

I have again come to visit her from Ohio. She just threw my stuff out of the balcony, took my keys from me and asked me to leave. When I left minutes later she started calling me to tell how that it is all my fault that she did it.

I asked her to leave me alone and told her I am going back to Ohio, she refused to listen. When I put the phone on side as she didn’t stop yelling at me, she disconnected the call and called again to tell me she doesn’t deserve this kind of treatment. Now she is pointing out to my earlier messages where I told her that I will be emotionally available to her and saying “what was this if you are running away like this”

There is no flight tonight. I am now sitting at subway station.

There is no danger as such. I can book a room in a hotel or just rent a car and drive around the weekend.

Two hours later, she is calling me again and again now to apologize.I don’t want to go back.

[livednlearned]

A hotel room sounds like a good idea.

I think a lot of us have spent nights in hotel rooms trying to figure out next steps. These are not easy relationships, the push pull can feel insane.

Thanks for coming back to the boards to let us know how you're doing.

Friends here helped me turn my life around. What people shared here helped me put one step in front of another when I didn't know how to move forward.

ForeverDad might remember helping me when I was truly at my most scared, alone, terrified. I think my subject line was something like: Help! Crisis exploding! 

Hang in there. Get a hotel room and rest up. BPD can really whip up our emotions high above baseline and we have to come down to earth and get grounded. Sleep and some distance will help with that.

Keep posting here to let us know you're ok. 

[rj47]

Hello Sam.
I read the posts and wanted to respond to your initial comment. It appears the situation has gone from bad to worse since the first post.
I’ve not logged onto the forum for several years. It was too painful to read the stories. I ended up landing on yours. For me the forum became a lifeline and source of helpful resources. It’s a very lonely existence privately living in the BPD relationship.  Remain grounded in your core values no matter what. And stay connected here.
You mentioned the defamation campaign. I expect it has been happening for a long time. The behavior did not start with you, nor were you the cause of it. Her family is likely to have experienced shades of the behavior long before you entered her life.
When I finally decided to divorce after genuine fears for my life, I expected the slanders and defamation would elevate. I had no choice but to resolve to accept it. Apparently, it happened on social media. Friends reached out to me privately. Most people who know me knew better and instead offered understanding and encouragement. I visited my hometown recently after many years. After leaving a friend called me to say he crossed paths with one of my former in-laws who was upset that I had not stopped by to visit. The person wanted me to know privately that the family understood. I suspect that your in-laws understand the situation. My wife had told me many times that in-laws and long time friends hated or wanted me dead.
I’ve been divorced for 7 years. We have occasional contact. I care for her though must maintain a distance. I remarried 3-1/2 years ago. The residual issues I’m aware of are the tendency to constantly apologize and inability to have even minor disagreements. We both took our time to heal before elevating the relationship having met on this forum. Our marriage continues to be a joy. I’m not encouraging divorce. I grieve the loss and have guilt over my failures. In hindsight, I enabled the behavior for many years. If you don’t confront it gently but firmly you will likely find yourself in the repeating cycle for many years to come. I pray that you find a way to confront the issues together and slowly make meaningful and lasting changes to the relationship. It is worth the effort for her, your children and hopefully you.

[sam_the_wise]

I have strong feelings of hurting her verbally for every insult and bad things she said to me. I sometimes act on those feelings and get myself in a deeper hole. I feel so helpless. I want to hit myself again tonight.