My Venting Thread.

[NarcsEverywhere]

I feel like I need to have a voice with this, so I am just going to let it rip here, these are my sticking points lately:

My neighbor used her grandkids and her cats to punish, pander to and control me, when I like kids and cats. She ended up bringing her granddaughter over when she did yard work to try to get her supply, when I paid her most of the time for doing the yard work, as my back was injured, but since my friend had just killed himself, I didn't have any supply left, plus the injury was excruciating. Her grandson would also wave to me, since I was friendly with him through the fence, which I think she had some part in, maybe not every time. She also buried like 6 dead cats, 2 kittens that she neglected near my front porch, let them breed all over because I nagged her about getting them fixed, and one time let a very young kitten roam around while I looked for it in very windy cold weather, and let her granddaughter wander near the street, pretty sure to get me to try to chase after her and protect her. Plus ran over the other cat, when I kept nagging her to be more careful. Dunno what was about me or not, but I feel like at least some of it was to punish, pander, and control me. 99% sure of that. So I dunno if I take it personally, but using stuff that's that important to me, to hurt me, and mess with me really enrages me.

Then my friend who lived with my friend who killed himself, after he died, he didn't care about how I felt, didn't show any regrets, just made everything about him. And I feel angry about him being so self centered. There's some other stuff that comes up occasionally, like when the friend who killed himself, and the friend who lived with him pushed me up a mountain and through the forest, when I didn't want to do it, and I had a hurt toe, or when my friend who killed himself, ended up constantly nagging me to get my life together, and it caused me to feel so much pressure to get over agoraphobia, that it made it worse.

Then there's the day my Dad used those buried dead cats to get to me, when he was already sucking me dry, and I was setting a boundary with the neighbor, who was degrading me, while I was working hard, and he using bait and switch tactics against me on the socket he was fixing, to confuse me.. This enraged me, because it felt like he stooped so low, but I suppressed it and shut down, which led to a hallucination, partially because I pushed myself too hard during that period.

Then there's my friends mom (of the friend who killed himself), who I got close to after, and she love bombed me, escalated affections constantly, wanted me to chase after her without reciprocation, ended up ghosting me when I got a bit rude, and too stressed, and ended up withholding a letter she said she'd give me, that my friend wrote to his Dad, and ended up abandoning me right before the memorial, using all the things from our relationship and the wisdom I taught her, to make herself look good at the memorial (and to get more supply/attention), then acting like my feelings have zero importance, and withholding the memorial video, and ghosting me. Which all pisses me off, because I feel so damned betrayed on so many levels and disgusted with how she made her sons death like some cheap thing to fill the void in her soul, and how she made our relationship a cheap thing, when I thought we had some level of intimacy. It's probably the most intimacy I had tried to achieve in my life, save for maybe my BPDexGF who I was with for like 10 years, and broke up with about 13 years ago.

It's just a mess. I pretty much mix up my journaling, like I'll journal about it all, because so much builds up, I'll pace and vocalize, I'll punch my pillow. Then I'll eat a meal, or do some positive writing, or something for my pets, or lift weights, or try to socialize, or do a prayer for myself, or whatever. I used to just journal it out until it was gone, and then get some level of catharsis, but it's too much to do that with now, so I just sort of alternate positive stuff with negative, and it's a hot mess to be honest, it's working, but I have a lot of ups and downs and struggles with attention and depression sometimes. I've even tried journaling directly to the people, but there's so much that the shotgun approach generally works better.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Well, I had some huge difficulty yesterday, I could barely step outside because of the agoraphobia, also felt scared of the neighbor, when I did walk in the morning, before the sun came up, which had triggered me before, without me realizing what it was. It's always easier for me to walk before the sun comes up, because the big sky can be triggering sometimes, for the agoraphobia. (Despite liking it when I am doing better)
 
I tried to weed eat, saw the big blue sky, which is normally my trigger when it kicks up, felt terrified, and realized how big of a setback I have had, it was super hard not to catastrophize it. So I contemplated why is it happening. After eliminating lots of things, like pushing myself too hard, or avoidance, and since I had been triggered by the neighbor, and have had grounding issues, and trauma coming up at bad times. I ended up resolving to journal, but this time trying harder to stick with it. I journaled and breathed through my nose, and took breaks to just breath, I did this quite a bit. I felt quite a bit better after. Called a crisis line, told them I just wanted to vent and didn't want advice and did that, it was a man, so his emotional perceptiveness was poor, as I know this guy in the past, is more advice heavy, which disappointed me, but I took something from it, like his compliment about being able to assert my needs upfront.

Then the neighbor's boyfriend parked her car in front of my fence on garbage day, so despite feeling scared earlier, I asked her to have it moved. Then carried my groceries in from my car, since my Dad got them, and later in the evening, I tried to take the garbage out to the end of the fairly long back yard, outside the fence, I was nervous, but tried to play it cool, got it to near the end of the gate (but not where it needs to be), felt dead tired, and nervous, turned around and told the neighbors boyfriend thanks for fixing our fence, since him and my Dad worked that out. I am glad to be getting along with them more, but I still have severe trauma from the neighbor lady, and she could still get crazy again. I rested, and went back out and finished taking the garbage out, which I felt relieved as hell about, and patted myself on the back a lot for talking to the neighbors and getting that garbage out, because both those things felt impossible in the morning.

Then at night, dead tired from all my own personal crap, mostly. I listened to Norah Jones, petted my cat lovingly, read my favorite daily reader, and felt quite happy from the leisure time before bad. To the point where I was so derpy happy, that I ended up calling a lady on The White Lotus pretty/beautiful, who I don't even feel like that about, and had to tone down my derpy happiness, realizing it had become delusional, I suppose because my concentration had been so poor, that it was hard to focus on what they were saying. I've been tired and been prone to laughing a lot when tired or something, but not like this.

I got through that setback and that day, mainly because I was thoughtful, investigative, and patient with myself (excluding with working on journaling with quite the determination). It was the trauma, it had built up too much, it's hard to find a balance between working, playing, socializing, caring for myself and the pets, how much to avoid things, or challenge myself and working through trauma, it kinda sucks to be honest. But I'll survive, I always do. Guess it's time to focus on journaling a lot more, it's the only way I'm going to get through this in the long run anyways.

Have my counseling intake appointment tomorrow over zoom, it's 2 hours, and I am not exactly looking forward to it, as 2 hours worth of patience seems hard right now, as does talking about my own issues when I am prone to being hyper critical of myself, and trauma, when that is especially hard. But I am trying to see the good in it, like it being practice for counseling. Plus the lady seems really nice and understanding. I wrote a list of things yesterday to prepare for it, to make it easier.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hey Narcs,

Just wanted to let you know I read your venting thread, and I hope your appointment goes well tomorrow. Two hours is quite long, I hope you get someone approachable and caring, someone that might be able to see you for who you truly are.

Also no shame in being a bit delusional watching a TV show, and no shame in calling a character pretty. I read somewhere talking to yourself and/or to an imaginary friend is actually a good  and natural way to cope with loneliness, an active effort to stay sane. We all do this at times. Also, it's ok to enjoy yourself a bit and laugh like a goof. We all need to be goofy at times. You know yourself better, so you know when the slope gets slippery or not, but just... It's all ok.

This morning I pretended to be a monkey while eating a banana... Because why not? Ok, I have an excuse to act this way, I can blame it on my children, but I actually truly enjoyed the play act I was putting on, my daughter was angry and didn't know if she should laugh or what. I had more fun than she did, I think. But hey if I can sing in the shower and dance alone to music, I certainly can pretend play by myself too. Because again, why not? Being goofy is fun, and being a monkey is even funnier.

I guess I am trying to say I am glad you were able to achieve more calm in the evening, and that you enjoyed yourself a bit. You deserve it.

You got this.

 

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hey Riv3rw0lf,

Today, I woke up hopeful about getting out more, irritated with my Dad, probably because I woke up late, and didn’t get my alone time, I kept trying to go out and felt like a nervous wreck, and would come back in, it’s so hard not to feel like it’s an emergency since it feels like so much depends on it.

I’ve felt so trapped and frustrated with life. I don’t know what to do, I feel so tired. But I read this and it felt so good to know someone cared to read it and respond, and that you believe in me and encourage me. I don’t know if I feel your sense of hope today, but just you caring helps me feel better. So thank you so much for that.

I know, I find many women pretty and attractive internally and externally, this woman though, was just not any one of my types, I got swept up in the emotions, much more than usual, and became diluted. Another time I realized it was just one of my moods. I’m used to being so much more balanced and clearheaded, and I get scared that the delusions will get really bad, like they did many months ago when I had delusional spiritual experiences out of desperation.

Oh, I like to have fun with myself, like when I have my dinosaur nuggets and go rawr with them or sing “Stand by Me, as Stand by Myself, since I like to depend on myself. I think the pressure of everything is what’s killing me, I need to be kinder to myself. I’m glad I was having a good time last night too. I am uncomfortable with it, but been having some success.

I am just going to call today a bad day and cut myself slack, anyways, thanks again, I felt very touched by your response, brought many relieving tears to my eyes. 

I try so hard not to let desperation guide me, as it drives people away and disempowers me, but today, that’s how I felt.

Glad you can have fun with things too. I do need to escape more, in one way or another, this much reality is exhausting.

[Riv3rW0lf]

It's ok too to have a bad day.

I can only imagine what it's like for you having to deal with agoraphobia. Truly. I had to read a bit more on it... When you talk about the feeling of emergency, it's like...a panic? Feeling an emergency to stay home? Or do you also feel an emergency to go outside and then feel trapped by the fear?

You don't have to talk about it or write about it if you don't want to.just offering an ear, or more so offering my eyes.

I can only imagine how trapped you must be feeling, and I can understand the frustration. I don't have any advice for you... And I realize now this is not what you want nor need anyway. I do have compassion and I do care. And I am rooting for you. You are working hard at this, and it takes time, and it's ok to have bad days.

I think we aren't in the same time zone at all, because it bed time for me now.

Talk to you some other time. I'm not sure that I can help you, and I sometimes fear I might make things worse for you, honestly. But I certainly can try to be a virtual friend for you. I hope you will find someone to help you more with all this, I truly do.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Well, I think I’m gonna take a rest and nest day to try to recover if I’m hitting all these walls, I used to allow those for myself when I felt stuck.

I felt both, conflicted, like I wanted to escape my Dad (probably due to journaling), afraid of being disempowered by him, and then jarred by the world, and all the sounds. It sucked, probably reached my limit.

I don’t expect you to save me, I want help sometimes, and to know someone cares, which has been hard to feel much of because of trust issues and inner conflict. Getting to know you has been quite nice, and I like that you’ve been so patient and understanding and even took the time to read up on it, when most people act like it’s a joke.

Thanks for being a friend Riv3rW0lf, I'm so reluctant to say that to anyone, but I think I can't help it anymore.

Edit: You know, after I wrote this, I cried a bit, and kept fighting with myself, wanting to notice how much what you said meant to me, but also wanting to be all self reliant, and I thought to myself, you know, I trust her, because despite sometimes you occasionally lying to yourself, making mistakes or whatever, you’re humble and honest enough to admit them. That’s why I forgive them, and will take this risk to trust you, even though I feel so damned vulnerable.

And I popped on some Bridge Over Troubled Water and Fix You, and cried some more, wrote out a prose on why it’s so great that with all my skills, talents, and knowledge that I’m only human, and don’t have all the answers, and can’t do it all on my own. Because it’s too damned exhausting to think like that. And I read Desiderata, and was reminded that I’m a child of the universe, and that I have a right to be here. And now I’ll rest my weary head, comforted and defeated.

[Riv3rW0lf]

And I popped on some Bridge Over Troubled Water and Fix You, and cried some more, wrote out a prose on why it’s so great that with all my skills, talents, and knowledge that I’m only human, and don’t have all the answers, and can’t do it all on my own. Because it’s too damned exhausting to think like that. And I read Desiderata, and was reminded that I’m a child of the universe, and that I have a right to be here. And now I’ll rest my weary head, comforted and defeated.

Good morning Narcs,

Thank you for sharing those. I enjoyed both songs, I can see how they would be cathartic for you at that moment. I didn't know the poem Desiderata. It is a beautiful poem, lots of wisdom. Toward the end though, when it says : strive for happiness, my head tilted a bit. I strive more for contentment now that happiness. Striving for happiness all the time is too hard... But it is possible to feel both defeated and contentment at the same time. As long as the contentment doesn't keep us from moving forward, I guess.

There is beauty in defeat and pain too... The greatest work of arts are born from it... hope and resilience are born from hardship. It's just a bit harder to contemplate. It is exhausting, you are right.

One sentence I really liked when I was young, and still like today is from Hubert Reeves : "On nous a dit que nous n'étions que poussières, mais on a oublié de mentionner qu'il s'agissait de poussières d'étoiles". This sentence remind me of how small I am, but how special it is to be small, and that I am a part of the universe, like everyone else.

I really liked the sentence in Desiderata where it mentions that everyone has a story... And there has to be wisdom in all those stories. Hubert Reeves also added that, if we come from the Big Bang ourselves, then maybe we hold all the memories of the universe within us. This somehow comforts me.

I hope today was a bit softer on you.

Take care.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hey Riv3rw0lf,

Yeah, I kind of fear contentment, because I’ve fallen into the derpy kind before, but I agree you can feel relief in even crying. Yeah, I like that quote you gave me, that we're like part of the star, or can feel a connection to it, or even on a logical level realize we came from the Big Bang or are made of quantized energy packets and atoms and such, it's interesting.

Yeah those songs have helped me through many difficult times. And Desiderata is probably my favorite piece of wisdom. I interpret the happiness part as having your priorities aligned with happiness, not a pie in the sky version of it, but an attainable one. It’s hard to know what is attainable sometimes though, that’s often my problem, I have all this knowledge bouncing in my head, and baggage mixed in, and I don’t know where my limits are, or if which knowledge to pull when I need it.

I value peace, but I also value hard work, a challenge and even occasional excitement to break the monotony. I think they say the wise thing is to find happiness from within and I think that’s true, but it isn’t so black and white, we have to interact with the world, and sometimes the world has what we want and need.

Creatively, my most beautiful poems have been born from suffering, but it’s also terribly hard for me to revisit them. I write them and generally let them go after a while. I hope someday I have the courage to revisit them, because I know I wrote some good ones.

I do like the whole people have their stories too part, it’s how I like to operate, but I also can get tired of people and their stories, I guess because I’m cranky, or like my Dad who tells me the same story 50 times. :P I suppose lately I am like that, but trying to tone it down.

Sometimes you need to let the world burn and have some fun, and let go of other people’s crap, I forget that often lately, but it’s helped me keep my sanity many times.

I assume you’re Canadian? That’s why you do French/English. Are we allowed to share any basic location info here, like what the general part of Canada you’re from?

Thanks for the well wishes, glad you liked the stuff I shared, I’m taking things slow this morning.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hi Narcs,

Yes, I actually found great solace in quantum physics. Like you I share a certain ... Discomfort... for organized religions. I see the value in them, but I could never be in one. So I ended up making up my own view of the world, and at the very heart of it is quantum mechanics. I know very little of it, I never studied the specific... But knowing time doesn't exist, knowing an electron and atoms can just disappear and reappear, out of thin air... Knowing those things for me, was comforting. It's immaterial. It means there is something more profound than what we see... I could finally explain intuition, dreams... This is where I go to find this happiness from within you talk about. When I think about this, I feel at peace. I remember everything is connected. We are just vibrating at a low level right now so we cannot see... But someday we might.

That was my rant for today.

I didn't read it as a litteral story, more like... The hidden story that we all keep within. Sometimes we can get glimpses of it in others. I am trying now, to connect to that more when I look at other people. See the unseen. Feel more than know I guess ... I don't know if that makes sense.

I however agree that yes, sometimes we do need to let the world burn...

I hope your day went well.

Here, I am completely exhausted. I am looking for a new homecare for my son, and there just isn't any great place. I don't want to just put him somewhere. I don't know.. might have to find a nanny for the summer while I search for a good place. The market is hard... People having home cares are not all equal, like therapists. Lots of neglect, people just doing that as an easy job to get a paycheck... Sending a prayer to the atomic universe to find a good one.

Also, yes, I am from Quebec. My first language is actually french, and it doesn't always sits right with me to translate poems or citation. I could have translated that one I guess, it just came out this way. I am glad you understood what I meant.

It got me to wonder if you had ever studied something? I mean, considering your agoraphobia, I was wondering if you'd been able to go to college or if you were more of an autodidact I guess.

Take care, talk to you soon.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hey Riv3rW0lf,

Well, I think you know, I've had so many spiritual experiences from hardcore meditation in my Buddhist phase, and more recently by delusions, and even delusions in my meditation phase, it's hard to sort out, and overwhelming to think about and can cause flashbacks and being stuck in the past, to an extreme degree, it's why I am uncomfortable.

I actually see plenty of value in religion, I sing silent night around the holidays, because I think it's sweet, and like Jesus, even though I would never agree with all of it, and like Buddhism to some degree, I am just avoidant of it, because also, I didn't like some of that. I am too independent minded for it, and too logical, and all the rules that humans put on it all, and all the tall tales, that never add up to me, that it makes my head spin. I even entertain the possibility of God and bring it up in my grief journaling sometimes in the past, saying "I hope you're in a better place" (giving a nod to a possible after life). I know there's somethings we'll never understand, and that life has some mystery too it, and there's too many coincidences to things, for things not to be quite interesting. I know life is cyclical, but beyond that, I think it gets so complicated, that especially at this point in my life, I'm not willing to contemplate it, I need to be more practical, until I am in a better place mentally, to be able to have it as a priority. I take what I want from religion and leave the rest.

You do you on the whole feeling more than you know thing, I've tried that, and it made me happy, but got me into so much delusional trouble. But if some sort of intuition type thing works for you, I totally support you doing it. I actually do believe an intuition can guide you to some extent, I just think it needs to be checked sometimes. My intuition has both hurt and helped me, maybe when I am in a better place, I'll understand where you're coming from more.

I got through my appointment, it was messy, and I need to finish the rest later, since I took longer than most people and we started late, due to a mix up with my email, and I had a point where I was struggling to function, but I took a 5 minute break and got through it. I didn't even feel like I had it in me to do all of that, and it worked out, so I take it as a win!

I've been reading about your difficulties with your children. I know there is a lot of trouble with getting good caregivers, I hear it all of the time! It's like the number one thing that holds women back in the work force, since women often take on more of the burden with children, out of social norms, a sense of duty, and an inherent connection to their children, born through birth, etc. I know you're struggling with your daughter, your own anxieties about it, her behavior, knowing where your behavior needs improvement, and where you can try to improve hers. You love her, that's why you worry so much. I totally relate, and it's why I often worry so much and feel so dedicated with my pets. You've got the heart for it Riv3rw0lf, you wouldn't put so much effort into it, if you didn't. This is why I encourage you to still not be too hard on yourself, you'll find the answers somehow, through therapy for your daughter or your own trial and error, or inquiring more or interactions and discussions with your daughter.

Ah, yeah, I hear there is a push against French speaking people, and striking it from certain parts of the country or something, is this why you are resistant? If so, sorry you're dealing with that. I don't mind accommodating that resistance, as I was just tired, struggling and honestly a bit lazy at the time, when I asked you to translate, and didn't want to fly over your stuff like that, like it didn't matter, when I responded.

Actually, I dropped out of school in 7th grade (due to bullying, my own behavioral issues, boredom with how they do things, and feeling indignant that they didn't let me learn what I wanted to learn), ha! I learn on my own amazingly well, but in organized settings, I am super resistant to other people's repetition and way of doing things. But I've considered humbling that part of me someday to go back to school.

You take care too Riv3rw0lf,
Talk to you soon

[NarcsEverywhere]

I don't expect you to read or respond to the following Riv3rW0lf, I don't always need your support, it's nice when you want/can give it though, I know you're dealing a lot with your kids. Just wanted to keep having a voice with what I am going through here, so returning this back to my venting:

Soon after I woke up, I had a terrible fear of heights memories, and intense fear, bordering on panic, and an intense urge to run. So I lifted weights, which calmed me down, but god it was hard to restrain the restlessness when I was resting between sets. But I did to the best of my ability. This calmed me down, and I tried to nap, , but trauma came up. It was the usual affair, except this time I had some new issues come to light more.

I was angry at my friend for killing himself without talking to me, or mentioning me, I felt betrayed that I wasn't even a footnote, when he put so much effort into doing so much for his family when he died, or that he just didn't trust me, we hadn't talked in like 3 years, and I had a reached out a few times, but he never responded.
I was angry at him for pushing me up that mountain/hill, when I was out of shape, had a hurt toe and afraid of heights, the other friend pushed me too, but I think he pushed me harder, since I think he wanted me to overcome my fears. At the top, I basically sat down terrified because of how it looked over the cliff, and barely made it back down. I've been in a plane before, but that was a choice, being bullied into overcoming your fears is horrible though. Also was pressured to go up the Space Needle by my BPDexGF, which came up. I've been up there before when I was younger, when it's a choice, it wasn't so terrifying for me. But when I felt obligated, that's when it sucked the most.

Then he nagged  me into rowing in the middle of a lake, when I didn't want to, and I had agoraphobia. I sat in the middle of the lake pretty terrified. Lesson learned, don't put up with bullying. Anyways, it wasn't all bad, but these were my sticking points. This "trip" was to cheer me up after I broke up with my BPDexGF, and was struggling. I didn't need to be snapped out of it, I needed to heal, it was the wrong time for this trip. Lesson learned. The trip ended with my friend showing me mercy and finally giving up and us coming home. I will admit though that one of my flaws is that I sometimes focus on suffering too much, and I was a downer on that trip, but you know, it's not all black and white, people need healing too, but they also need a distraction. Not just one or the other.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hey Narcs,

I'm glad your appointment went, overall, well and that you were able to ground yourself again when you felt like you were losing your footing. I was a stressed wreck at my first appointment with my last psychologist. The first appointment can be nerve wrecking, so I'm glad it went well for you. Did you have a good feel for him/her?

I agree with your approach  with religion : take what we need and leave the rest. For Christmas though, I prefer O Holy Night :P (the French version, Minuit Chrétien, of course...)

Also it is absolutely not resistance  , just that some works, like poems, I don't like to translate. But yes, I guess I am a bit of a patriot, especially when I look at the narcissist currently "leading" Canada... but this is not why I use my french sometimes. I'm just french, and sometimes french sounds better for some things... I don't know. Thank you for accomodating it. It shouldn't happen too often.

Also, thank you for the vote of confidence for my skills as a mother. Your words touched me. Things are slowly getting into place. Am getting someone interviewed on Friday for a nanny position for the summer. I have a good feeling about it.

So... I read your last vent and while you said I didn't have to answer, I wanted to... I also have some very unnerving memories... To the rest of the world, those memories can seem banal, but to me... They are awful. I don't want to shift the focus on me here so I won't necessarily share what the memories are about... But it's just to say that, one event, one small detail, can seem light to one person, but completely wreck someone else. And it's just about impossible to share the emotional load of a memory, we are trapped by them, in a sense. Or between them, and people invalidating them because : "it doesn't sound so bad". Even when it truly is that bad.

What helped me with my memory was to change it, change the emotional load attached to it... I visualized it, got back into it, and when the traumatizing event happens, I imagined myself as an adult entering the room, physically restraining my mother and throwing her out of the room, once through a window even...then I would pick little me up and rock myself to sleep, singing songs, welcoming the tears and giving me the love and comfort I needed. I did this over and over again... And somehow it helped to relieve a bit of the anger and distress associated with the memory. Have you ever tried this? I don't know how helpful this would be in your case, but wanted to share it with you, in case you hadn't heard of this method.

[NarcsEverywhere]

Hey Riv3rw0lf,

Well, the appointment is just the intake appointment. So no counselor yet. I told her my criteria for a counselor. Like able to deal with trauma, narcissistic abuse/codependency, complicated grief, is honest, emotionally intelligent, and I want a woman, because most men are emotionally stunted.

Hope you get the nanny thing worked out, and things can fall into place for you and your kids.

I have tried that memory trick, and I forgot about it, I used it with some with my BPDexGF, and it helped. I’ll try to remember that when memories are overwhelming me. Thanks for the reminder!

[NarcsEverywhere]

I've been reflecting, probably need to do more of that, as I've been too caught in emotions. Anyways, I still feel quite sure that my friend's mom has BPD or something. Reasons being:

My friends mom seemed to view her daughters as extensions of her, and they were always joined at the hip. She'd brag about their accomplishments and consider them perpetual victims. That's mostly how she talked about them.

Demonizes her ex-husband, even for being upset that his one daughter wouldn't see him. From what my friend told me, he was overly needy/fixing of his relationship with him, aka codependent. Demonized him for dying. Blamed him for my friends suicide.

My friend was put in the basement, and always seemed like the afterthought, while his Mom and her daughters did all sorts of stuff together.

She said we'd be "forever friends", then ghosts me.
She wouldn't contact me first, and once I came back and told her I felt a bit insecure, she'd withhold everything from me, even important stuff about my friend, seemingly to try to get me to chase her. She'd bread crumb me, and not respond until I said the right thing, if I bothered her too much and always said the right thing, she'd been fine with no boundaries, if I said the "wrong thing", she'd not respond until I said the "right thing".
She'd never own up to stuff or address our issues, and always act Pollyanna.
She never addressed any of her issues surrounding my friend.
The whole memorial felt like a big pandering for attention, from me and the guests, and a lot of explanations as to why he did it, that had nothing to do with his family.

My issues in the relationship were:
Tried too hard to be perfect, as I felt the situation was super sensitive
Got overly involved, and eventually overly helping.
Overly shared with my poems, because I felt lonely with my feelings.
Compromised myself too much out of guilt, as I tried to use guilt about my friend killing himself, to inspire me to "help his mom and my other friend" (which had very little to do with me, although I did make some mistakes I am not proud of, and was rude or codependent or dismissive, oversharing, and even mocking one time), but these were my worst moments, and I corrected them once I realized they were mistakes. I honestly feel like he treated me way worse, with his constant pressure campaign on me. He seemed to hate losing his position in the hierarchy once I wouldn't put up with his and my other friends often lowkey bullying.