My Adult Daughter has Demonised me

[Sophie 72]

 
I am lost, and I’m having trouble hanging on.

Full disclosure, when last I was involved, my daughter had been diagnosed with a cluster B personality disorder. She hasn’t spoken to me for sometime, but last time they weren’t sure if it was borderline or narcissistic. I am a medical professional, not a psychiatrist or psychologist, and I only have an associates degree in psychology. But I believe it’s BPD.

I have read many things involving parents who have been disowned by their children. I have four children. I have one daughter and she has turned on me completely. Disowned me. She has decided not to invite me to her wedding which is now in six months.

Many things I have read insist that a child would not disown a parent for anything, but the greatest reasons. Physical abuse, sexual abuse, extreme emotional abuse. I have read that even if a parent does not remember any of it, even if the other children have no recollection of it, it must’ve happened, because the child who believes them self to be a victim is never wrong?

I am a mother, obviously, I have been a daughter. I know daughters can be wrong. However, I have turned my brain inside out and beat myself up mentally for over a year trying to figure out  what in the world I did.

To people, I don’t know very well, my daughter has told some ridiculous lies. But to her siblings, she has simply reiterated things that I have done wrong. Like, sometimes I took the twins to school late and they were tardy. This was true, but not enough to ever get a notification from the school board. The twins are nearly 23 now, I stopped driving them to school myself when they were around 12. My daughter said I had a short temper sometimes. I guess that is fair! I have been a widow since I was 30, alone with 4 kids, on my own. I worked 80 hour weeks running 2 EMS stations as captain.. Mind you, my occasional “short temper“ never involved physical violence or vicious name-calling. Sometimes I would just be like “what? Kids, I need some time to myself! “. I provided well for my children. I was a single mother of four who owned our own 2200 square-foot home and a lot of land and it was lovely. I used to be a powerhouse; now I’m a basket case. Her siblings don’t hate me for being short tempered at times at all.

When they all grew up and went to college, I became a nun. My daughter was not keen on that. She herself I converted to Judaism while still in high school. I was supportive of her because I was happy that she was taking an interest in her, spiritual life.

Although I have been somewhat authoritative, I guess, I have been basically a liberal parent supporting my kids in anything they wanted to do, I would say, especially my daughter.

She was always a short tempered with me. My daughter lied to me a great deal. She was always so hypersensitive, I let it go. I probably shouldn’t have. She was competitive with me, but I never understood why. Of course, I wanted her to have a better life than me, be prettier and smarter and happier.
But now she says that she “doesn’t have a mother”. After her father passed away his side of the family  ignored us. But she has decided to have the wedding with them, which is both a public humiliation to me (as she’s been saying I’m a horrible mother) as well as a heartbreak. Literally. I now have Takatsubo cardiomyopathy (broken heart syndrome), which has taken a toll on my health.

First, she called me and hung up on me. Then she gave me the silent treatment and would not reply to any of my requests to talk to her or to find out what was wrong. Then she blocked me from social media and got some people from her father’s family to do the same.

My sons, her three siblings staged an intervention and tried to talk her into group therapy. The four of us are now in group therapy together, she has not come along. We are still hoping she will, but it doesn’t look good.

I am mentioning it here, because I’m so frustrated, and afraid that many forms would just tell me that I have mentally and emotionally blocked out horrible things that I MUST have done to her in the past. They would say, I have forgotten them, all three of her siblings have forgotten them, all our friends, family and extended family have forgotten them. But she is right. She must be right.

 But I have finally allowed myself to know, after 14 months of agony, that her illness is worse than we thought. I may not have been a perfect mother, but I gave it my all and my love for my children is unconditional.

Obviously I was not the mother, I thought I was. I wasn’t good enough. But, I do not think I deserve to be disowned, isolated, humiliated and defamed.

My worry is that I will not be able to survive my daughter having a big wedding in Ireland, gleefully, without me. I’m in so much pain and I’m frightened.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Sophie 72
I can feel the pain in your heart in every line of your post - and I am glad you are here because reading others' posts will help you sort out things in your own mind.

First of all I do think you are correct in thinking this is BPD. It's the blaming, the false stories about others (often focused on one person who has been the most supportive, the most caring in their lives). So many of us can relate to your experience there.

In my case I feel that my dd started off talking about me - as a teenager does - and she got loads of attention that way. Soon enough she was in fantasy land but all those people still believed things about me that were just untrue.

You are honest and clear about your life with your children and how hard you have worked to support them. Please don't spend too much more time on trying to work out what you have done: your dd has a serious condition, one that people have difficulty understanding - usually until they get close or spend a lot of time with someone with bpd.

I think we all here have experienced being the one demonised by our bpd child. It is so unfair and unjust, and we feel like we are trying to defend ourselves but no one listens.

In my case I felt that my pain and attempts to 'make it right' were all part of my dd's pattern of behaviour. In some ways, my pain response and the energy I put in to trying to 'make it okay', somehow gave my dd a sense of control.

In the end I came to the mantra of the 3 C's (I didn't cause this, I can't control it, I can't cure it) and I began to see the only thing I could control was my response - so I began to focus on that.

You say dd has always been in competition with you etc. I wonder if she is building a scenario to make sure she is the total focus of attention on the wedding day. Whatever the reason, it is excruciatingly painful for you to be put in this position.

Once again though, it is out of your control apart from how you respond. DD will know that this is unbelievably hurtful for you. Is it possible that you could give a somewhat more casual response? Let her know that you love her, would love to be there, but it's her decision?

The reason I suggest this is that sometimes it surprises a bpd person when the other party is not as intensely affected by their decisions/behaviour as they anticipate!

It is good that you and your other children are working together in sessions. It will give you the opportunity to express your pain and distress at your dd's words and actions against you.

There is six months to go to the wedding. I hope the steps you take now will bring about the possibility of you attending. Mainly however, I hope that by coming here you are able to accept that you didn't cause this, you can't control it, you can't cure it.

It is all about how we deal/cope with it on this journey with a bpd loved one.

Thank you for your post and will be thinking of you during this painful time.

[MLA1]

Hi Sophie

You are not alone. My son has demonized me. And his statements are all falsehoods. I've done a ton of reading and found that High Conflict BPDs are all about getting negative advocates (like the other family) to feel sympathy for them for things they say they have suffered (allegedly from you), when actually they are the ones who have caused the suffering, in part by generating a lot of false stories.

Here's my story
In December, my daughter and I painted my son's childhood bedroom (he is 25 and has a place of his own), and this became a "disaster." A complete meltdown. Even though he had initially agreed it was time to paint the room and clean it up, put things he hasn't used in years in boxes, he said when it was done he has 'lost his memories' and it is my fault and hasn't spoken to me in 6 months as a result. I am 'toxic' for him and not safe, he says. OOF!

At the same time he has gotten promoted at work. Totally confuses me. But I have also learned that BPDs can have pockets where they are effective... for a while.

I share this so you can know that completely erratic thinking is what causes this, not you. BPD does horrible things to the emotional processing of a person and it is extremely sad. It is her disease speaking and not her. You did not do this and people who are ignorant of what mental illness can do like to have this fantasy of children having perfect brains that can only be warped by parents. baloney. This disease has a strong genetic component. And truly it is not fully understood. But there are plenty of families on this forum who also are confused, hurt, and not monsters.

I agree with Sancho you did not cause this, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. Short temper? you are not a piece of cardboard. I'm sure you had a range of emotions and balance, lots of love, and sometimes you were not perfect. So what. Every parent has screw ups and amazing moments of grace. Your daughter needs to get to a really solid therapist who can help her with dialectical behavior therapy. the horrible thing about our health care system is our adult mentally ill children are responsible for their mental health care and we can't help at all. It is totally cruel.

I agree with Sancho that the casual approach may help. BPDs have trouble with emotional intensity. so as hard as it is, stay cool. Touch base occasionally with just a casual line or two in a text or a card (I alternate between a hand written card and texts every few weeks). Stay a solid support so she knows where the unconditional love remains. While it may be a long time, and this is excruciating, you have enough love in you to stay the steady course and be the safe object. I know it is agony, as it is the life I am also living, but I do think Sancho is completely right. shows of emotion make them run. Think of her as the hurt animal - a very quiet, almost still, and cool but kind approach is most likely to work.

Coping is very hard (the hardest thing I've ever done for sure) but we are all here for you. I hope she finds her way back to you sooner than later but either way, I hope you can begin to accept this is not your fault. I will be thinking of you and looking for your posts.

I hope this is helpful. We are all here for you.

I also agree with Sancho that approaching this more casually might disarm her. If you can keep growing your life in a positive way, eventually her lies will catch up and the folks she has as advocates now will become her new targets of blame and they will see you are not 'guilty.' And she may have her switch flip and decide she can talk to you again. It may be a while though and that is the hard part. Just stay consistent. Keep reaching out casually from time to time. don't respond if she says anything awful.

[VTstruggles]

I’m in the same boat, my only daughter cut me out of her life. She experienced a lot of trauma when she was young and I wasn’t a perfect mom by any means, but when I read about others with bpd discuss how they were invalidated, I don’t understand my situation. She was high functioning and really struggled her first year of college. I did what I could but was struggling with a difficult divorce so I know I wasn’t fully available (emotionally), I tried to help when she talked to me but she didn’t want my advice. She spiraled and acted out in dangerous and destructive ways. I tried again to get her help, but I think the struggle of college and being isolated and me not being as available triggered fear for her. My last text is she loves me and I’m always her rock to hating me 24h later, storming out and going NC.

[Titch]

I’m also in the same boat. My 40 year old daughter wants no contact so I have respected that, and my other 3 daughters and my husband have got on with our lives. They have stopped playing the game with her (they put up with it for my sake) but have had enough of her consuming my life. It’s working for me. The heartbreak is not seeing my grandsons 19 and 12, but I text them to let them know I am still around and tell them I love them. Sometimes they respond, other times they don’t. Christmas is harder, but I am sending my grandsons (and my grand dog) presents. I can’t control what she does but I am managing the no contact well now. No dramas with any other of my family, just all moving forward and lots of love and kindness as it’s always been.  It’s a very sad situation for her but one I have finally come to terms with. I feel a sense of sadness but freedom at the same time. It takes practice but you will get there.

[CC43]

Sophie, what you describe is typical behavior of someone with BPD.  My diagnosed stepdaughter would exhibit similar behaviors:  Avoiding contact with her parents as a form of protest or punishment.  Claiming abuse.  Blowing up over seemingly minor comments or disappointments.  Telling lies.  Blaming everyone else for her misfortunes and bad choices.

This isn't your fault; it's not about you, though it certainly affects you.  Nobody is perfect, and almost every parent loses her cool at one point or another.  But most children recover, move on and forget about it, and go on with their lives.  They recognize that everyone has bad days, including parents.  A person with BPD, however, is typically more sensitive and emotionally dysregulated.  They can hold onto a grudge for a long time.  The difference is that they can hold onto it for so long that it actually interferes with their life and normal functioning.  Maybe it's like a minor cut:  most people heal in a few days.  But a person with BPD will pick at the scab and keep bleeding.  Sometimes they will dredge up an ancient slight as a justification for current failures or invective.  I think they do this to retain their victimhood status.

When she was at her worst, my stepdaughter would test out stories of trauma and abuse, each story sounding more abusive and less credible as time went on.  First she was "bullied" by roommates.  Then she was "raped" at college.  Then she was "assaulted" by her brother.  Then she was physically threatened by her mother.  Then she hinted that she was molested by her father as a child.  Then she threatened her beloved aunt because of mistreatment and disrespect (when in fact all her aunt did was make a small gesture of help.)  The more she lied, the more attention she'd get from others, including therapists.  I'm at the point where I don't believe any of these stories.  Though there might be a kernel of truth (an argument, a night of drinking), she twists the facts to create a version of events where she's the victim, and to justify her outbursts of uncontrolled rage at the perpetrator (when she's usually the perpetrator).  I think she actually came to believe her version:  she felt horrible, so it had to have happened, right?  In sum, her thinking became very distorted, she had delusions, and under peak stress she had paranoia, believing people were "out to get her."  However, I found that these events coincided with other events in her life that were troubling to her, for example when she quit school and jobs, and whenever she didn't get what she wanted from others.  The fabricated stories were her way to justify being a victim and abdicating responsibility for her own poor choices.  At least that's the way I understand her behavior.

[StepMothering]

@Sophie72 -
I can understand how sad this makes you feel. A BPD personality can truly make us second-guess every interaction we have had and do have. It is exhausting having to carve our own personalities to better suit interactions with BPD individuals.  I know missing the wedding is sad, but she has made the choice and you have to live with it.

@CC43 - your description of your stepdaugther changing the story of her history and how it morphed and changed is resonating with me. I feel like this is definitely a trait my stepdaughter has.