Protecting myself - what to tell others?

[campbembpd]

I feel like I've been living this private suffering for years. I've strived to be the 'good' husband and 'support' my wife, pwuBPD. I only recently even found out what BPD was. For most of our 25 year marriage I thought she was just really hormonal, overly sensitive, etc. This has been an awakening for me but has made me feel a little despair, I can't lie.

Now that I know what this is I've been reading like crazy and am working with my therapist to start implementing some measures/boundaries next year. I've been going through this for so long, mostly privately. Most other people don't see what I see. They see a woman who is vivacious, outgoing, confident, the life of the party and outwardly kind. There are some however that have seem glimpses of this. Some of my family when they visit, my wife's mother and sister when they've come. They've been the target of my wife's rages and seen more angry and unhinged behavior then any others. Everyone thinks my wife is amazing. And she is! Except for this dark passenger. My mother in law asked me on a visit last year what happened to my wife, she said she never used to be like this... At the time I thought it was just hormonal (she also had a hysterectomy and is under hormone replacement therapy)

So I am scared as hell for next year as I prepare to start putting boundaries up and making whatever strategies are needed to exit situations. There are going to be changes for her and I'm expecting some of the worst reactions/rages.

I want to make this work, I'm not giving up but I am also not going to continue to do this. It's been decades of emotional abuse, it's even become physical lately (kicked me so hard I had a bruise on my leg for over 9 days). And I am mentally preparing myself that she may not want to change or cannot change.

After that long pre-amble what's on my mind now is what I should be telling others? I haven't confided in a lot of people what's happening. I really only have a couple friends. I'm thinking long term like if there is a split up a year from now I'm a little terrified of what she's capable of. She's threatened me before - telling me she's going to ruin me on social media. On her last rage she told me she was going to 'destroy me', take my 401k, I'm going to pay her alimony and more. She's had some friendships breakup and is extremely focused on revenge. The last one after their blowout she kept telling me she was going to get her fired. That was months ago and she still talks about it once in a while. My brother had some issues (he has alcohol and drug problems), there was some fallout, he did some things that were not nice but my wife posted some false things on social media about him to get back at him. I tried to get her to take it down but she wouldn't, in her mind those things were true.

I don't want to get caught down the road where she starts fabricating things, saying awful things about or trying to destroy me on social media. This is so hard to write but I 100% think she would be capable of that.

Should I mention borderline to anyone else? I feel like I'm putting myself at risk holding this in and not sharing with others. Is there anything I can / should do to protect myself as I accept and will support her (with boundaries) if she is willing to get therapy for possibly years to address the issues? Of course that's going to require she accept she has a problem, has BPD or borderline traits and want to get better. That possibility seems like a million miles away.

I've kept a journal for about 10 years with records of things that have happened. My daughter who is 17 has seen these episodes and been the target. Of course I don't know what her family, even the ones who have see the behavior would be willing to say if it went against my wife.   

[ForeverDad]

Whom to confide in?  Be aware these is a difference between mutual friends and trusted friends.  I believe most your your acquaintances don't fall into the trusted friends category.  So don't divulge your plans or strategies to any but those you're confident are trusted.  When push comes to shove and the Blaming intensifies, information shared in confidence could be blabbed to sabotage you if they take sides or even think they're stepping back from the discord but still spill some confidences.

When you're trying to restore a marriage then you do share information to help rebuild trust.  But that's a two person effort, you can't do it alone.  If you're contemplating ending the relationship then it's vital you determine what must be kept private and confidential.  Basic financial expenses, parenting and exchange information are expected to be shared.  Not shared are your confidential legal consultations with family law attorneys, any strategies and legal advice.

At the same time you have to beware of being "too nice" or "too fair".  Frankly, as long as you're not overtly nasty or misbehaving, court doesn't expect you to be super nice or overly fair.  Although nice and fair are excellent qualities, they work against us in a high conflict divorce.  Many of us here more than suspect that's why we got ourselves into these dysfunctional relationship dilemmas.  We are Nice Guys and Nice Gals but we must not sabotage ourselves.  Always, always keep that perspective in mind.

[PeteWitsend]

campbembpd, I've read a lot of posts on here where people relate the legal threats from a pwBPD, and seem shocked to think they could do those if it came to divorce.

You really should pay an attorney for an hour long consultation just to understand your legal rights.  I did this about a year before I actually filed for divorce and it was the best money I've ever spent.

My then-BPDw was telling me that if I left her, she'd get full custody but would agree to let me see our daughter one day a week.  And made a bunch of other unhinged threats... all that was nonsense.  The divorce laws in every state are what they are, and barring a showing of abuse or other misconduct, a judge isn't going to overturn a parent's or spouses legal rights or enforce a property division that's outside the guidelines.

Also, you need to be (secretly) keeping a journal of all this stuff.  Especially documenting when she's physically abusive.  This will help you: a) avoid forgetting how bad it is, and b) support your case in court.  Do not let your spouse find this, and for heaven's sake do not tell her you're doing it.

Finally, in regards to telling other people, you need to be careful.  You don't want it to get back to her that you think she's BPD.

In my own case, I told only close friends I trusted, and also my mom, to give her some peace of mind (she was often the target of BPDxw's unfair rages).  They all thanked me for sharing that information and said it helped them avoid taking the nonsense BPDxw said to them personally.

[PeteWitsend]

Remember to keep any preparations you make on your part CONFIDENTIAL.  Talking to attorneys, reading books on BPD, keeping an emergency bank account, etc. are all prudent and justified here, but because BPDers are often paranoid and emotionally unstable, expect an extreme reaction if they get wind of any thing like that.

[Notwendy]

My severely BPD mother is able to "hold it together" in public and her behaviors were a close kept family secret. We kids were not allowed to say anything about her and if we did- people didn't believe us.

As to your wife's family saying she wasn't like this before- I call "BS"- not necessarily on purpose but the norm for them. These family patterns are intergenerational. They may also be functioning in the secrecy/denial pattern. They too may be afraid to say something. I have asked my mother's extended family about her- not to be critical but to try to understand better. They didn't "see" her behaviors until recently.

I have experienced the extreme reactions on the part of my mother when I also began to have boundaries with her- as an adult. I think it's good to have people to confide in- but I would keep this to professionals ( counselors, therapists) and 12 step groups for now. Family and friends may feel conflicted- they don't want to take sides or as you said- they just don't see it. Don't isolate yourself- do talk to people but professionals and the 12 step groups are confidential and also supportive without triangulation- and objective. Friends are less likely to point out how you respond and react in the relationship dynamics and this is valuable information.