Almost 18 year old D - cluster B

[Mominyyc]

I’m new to the group and live in Alberta, Canada
I’ve been navigating having mentally ill family members and reflecting on my role - getting help to change and be healthier for most of my life.
I recognize the only things in my control are related to how I show up and what I choose to do.
I separated from my late husband 12 yr ago due to his extreme high risk behaviours - the last straw was the secret Gmail account I got into that revealed his prostitute habit. He refused to get help for himself unless I promised to stay married. I said I’d be willing to support him getting well but not as his wife. 7 mos and 4d later he completed suicide in my garage in a vindictive way. I’ve done tons of therapy to work through this. My kids were 10 and 6 at the time - also got counseling and support for them/us as a family.
My kids did really well and seemed “well adjusted” until 2020 when during Covid lockdown and losing sports/people connections - my D developed Anorexia-restrictive type. 3 inpatient admissions for malnutrition and low heart rate - months of me refeeding her at home - she recovered and has maintained her weight since spring 2022 - but refused the most important therapy - that planned for when she was weight restored. She got fired from her lifeguard job this past March  bc she struggles w interpersonal dynamics. They paid her out - so little real info shared about “why”.
The push away/reject then collapse and ask for help from me dynamic has been getting worse - and I’m finding it very difficult to live with the constant hostility and verbal attacks. I had started to talk about collaborating to find a way for her to move out with us sharing costs. Concurrently she made some very bad choices that lead to her being too humiliated to go to school - that plus me mentioning having her move out is what I think prompted her to OD on Tylenol. She didn’t tell me for 20 hours post. She was treated medically - was touch and go - liver transplant was on the table for a few days  - then her lab values improved. Then she was certified for a psych admission.
All of this has been made that much harder bc it’s stirred up a lot of past trauma for me.
My D is home - I feel that the mental  health providers were manipulated and in a hurry to discharge - my D can be very convincing when she wants something. Yest was her grade 12 grad banquet. She gave me lip service about setting a 2 drink limit bc of he liver injury - but showed up visibly drunk at the banquet after the photo shoot she did with friend and others.  She went to after grad and drank more.
I had no joy at grad. I’m grieving the loss of the girls she used to be friends with -girls I’ve watched grow up and friendships I’ve had w their moms (that’s a bit I let be about me)
Today I’m taking her to a private DBT provider bc the waitlist for funded treatment is 18 mos long.
I’ve been off work - my job is cognitively demanding and I don’t think I can be effective-I want to go back soon - my D is so volatile tho - and now that she has attempted suicide - it makes it difficult for me to make any sort of plan.
I love my D - and living in the pressure cooker with her at home since mid 2020 when eating disorder developed is taking a huge toll on me.
I have good friends who are supportive- a good counsellor- but feel isolated and scared.
My story is heavy - and sometimes I pull away from people bc who could relate? I’m sure I’ve played a role - and I know I’ve tried very hard to be better- to learn - to stay calm - to absorb hate and reflect love. To try self care even tho I feel gutted.
I’m not quite sure what I’m looking for here - I want to have hope - and I’m daunted with her cluster B diagnosis.
Lastly - I’ve been an imperfect and very supportive mom. Was D biggest fan during 10 years of team sports. My son is thriving and away at university. My D feels in his shadow.my mistakes and missteps as a parent are normal ones - no abuse or neglect.
My D blames me for all her challenges.

Is there hope? Please tell me there’s hope…..
Thank you to anyone who read all the way to here.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi Mominyyc, glad you landed here in the group 

A lot happened on your journey here, some of it in your control (like you mentioned), and some of it not. The first thing I want to mention is that yes, many parents here have found hope, and while they sometimes have to grieve the future they wanted for their children, they have been able to make "the best possible" life for themselves. So much of it starts with what you're already doing -- reflecting on your past, your family, and your role. Once we "see the light" about what has made us who we are, we have the opportunity to make some changes, to learn some different tools and skills, that can make things "less worse". Not easy work, but possible.

A couple of things about your story stood out to me:

Today I’m taking her to a private DBT provider bc the waitlist for funded treatment is 18 mos long.

I’m not quite sure what I’m looking for here - I want to have hope - and I’m daunted with her cluster B diagnosis.

Let's start there --

it sounds like she is not actively opposed to DBT? Did she end up going? How has that been so far?

and has she received an official BPD diagnosis? was that at her psych admission? How has she approached the diagnosis (accepting of it, in denial, other...)?

...

What I also hear from many parents here is that coping with the incessant blame and verbal abuse is really, really difficult. So, in a sense, your D blaming you for everything is... normal, for a young adult with BPD.

How have you navigated the blame in the past?

...

Reach out any time -- let us know how you've been.

kells76

[Mominyyc]

Thank you for replying
Yes BPD diagnosis
Yes she attended 1 DBT appt and says she will go back
One thing we agreed to in discharge from psych admission was that I will hold 2 appointments worth of D funds as a “security deposit” - I will pay for appts she attends - will use her money for those she doesn’t attend or no shows
Re blame - I absorbed a lot of blame my husband heaped on me for our marriage difficulties- I went to counseling by myself bc he refused to go and told me if I fixed myself we’d be fine. I got healthier and his behaviours worsened - until I separated as outlined. I struggled with guilt after his suicide and absorbed the blame for a long time - worked thru it w trauma counseling. My D tries to blame me for everything wrong in her life - I’m better at deflecting - and try not to argue with her about most things
How do others manage the blame and hostility? How do folks feel about leaving their older teens home alone? I have this horrible feeling she’ll do something destructive while I’m gone
It’s very challenging…..