My question to this forum is this: I feel extremely bad about going complete no contact with her, and not having a chance to explain what happened, from my perspective. I would like an opportunity to do that, and to say goodbye to her now that we have both cooled down. My reservation is that if she is truly bpd, and there is a strong chance she is, would it be completely detrimental to her healing process, and mine, to talk right now? Is a clean, contactless break the best thing to do, or should I pursue closure to hopefully end things on a less sour note?
as disappointing as this may sound, there isnt a right answer here. the right answer, essentially, is what you feel best about. what is in line with your values. i think we can certainly help you to sort out what that is.
for me personally, im not a fan of ghosting, or cutting people off. i know situations differ, and certainly, there are exceptions, whether temporary, or permanent. its something i wasnt happy about, but felt that i had to do once in my life. it sounds like something you felt was necessary at the time, but may not be necessary anymore, do i have that right?
so, there are concerns here. shes shown shes very capable of losing her cool, sending strings of abusive messages, and shes shown that she will up the ante in order to be heard. thats all fairly common with, though not limited to, bpd. only you know if theres the potential for more than that; it doesnt sound like you consider that as a major concern. but the risk of any of those things happening again is certainly there.
while i cant speak for her, its hard to see where a reach out in and of itself would be detrimental to her healing. there is, of course, the possibility that when you do, she will not feel the way she did when she reached out last, or that you pick a bad time, or that she doesnt want to hear from you at this point, but only she can know that.
as for your healing, i guess i would ask "whats the worst that could happen".
probably the worst that could happen is she could become upset and start saying hurtful things. if you cut her off, theres a good possibility shed up the ante in trying to contact you and say her piece. possibly, she could push to get back together. she could also decide not to respond at all.
so, the question is really, how would those things, if they happened, affect your healing?
it isnt the only question though. its not necessarily the most important one either.
what many of us think of as this ideal form of closure from a breakup, is more the exception than the norm.
I feel extremely bad about going complete no contact with her, and not having a chance to explain what happened, from my perspective. I would like an opportunity to do that,
most post breakup contact is either logistical exchanges (belongings, mail, etc), or just a continuation of the conflict from the relationship. theres a very fine line i think, between the opportunity to "end on a less sour note" (which usually, most people tend to be open to once the ice thaws) and "explaining what happened, from your perspective".
the two of you are going to have differing perspectives. those perspectives may even change many times as you heal. probably the easiest way to trigger someone with bpd (or anyone really) is to invalidate their perspective. i suspect, at this point, the two of you have done a great deal of that to each other through conflict. i would guess that on both of your best days, wounds are still raw.
so, i think if you are leaning toward having this conversation with her (i personally would be), id narrowly define what my goal is, and with the understanding that some form of positive closure is probably achievable, but almost certainly not on my terms.
