stuck in limbo between keeping the peace and talking about divorce

[thepixies21]

It’s hard to deal with all of this. Every day feels like such a challenge. It’s so hard to be home. I don’t know how to act.

Today I came home and it was obvious he was drunk. I was torn because he said he was having a good day, and he had made some good choices and was working on getting back into cooking. But this was day 3-4/7 that he had been drinking almost a fifth of rum. This is in the wake of his recent psychotic episode with marijuana and it is just too much. I asked if he drank, and he said yes. He was obviously really drunk, I tried initially to explain why I was concerned, but it was clear he was too drunk to really have a meaningful conversation. His response when drunk was “I want to make all of this good”. I really have a hard time being around him when he’s drunk, I don’t like the person he becomes, not because he's angry he just is super disinhibited, and I can’t really talk to him about anything. So I did set a boundary and said I don’t want to talk about this when you’re drunk. He did respect that, and he brought it up before bed when he was sober. I told him that he was drinking way too much, that I’m really worried about his health, that if he keeps drinking like this he could have withdrawals and all kinds of problems, and he said he would cut down. I said “okay”. He said “do you believe me” and I said “I’ve heard this before”. He became really sad and said that he just wants me to believe in him. I told him that I do believe that he is capable of not drinking, but I’m struggling with watching him continue to drink. He then said this is the first time that I’m bringing this up, and I told him that totally isn’t true. He said how was he supposed to know that this was a problem, and I got upset, because he’s just not taking any accountability for his own actions. I told him “I think you should know better without me telling you.” And he then said he wanted to sleep on the couch near the dog that loves him. I told him that I don’t want him to feel like he's kicked out of bed, but he left anyway. I didn’t chase after him, I decided I needed to get rest and I went to sleep. I woke up feeling so awful, I have to go to work but I also have to deal with this.

I logistically cannot make any moves to leave yet, and emotionally I am just not really ready to have the divorce conversation. I have a therapy appointment this weekend and I really need it. It’s just so hard living in this limbo. I’m trying to keep the peace as much as I can while also trying to keep boundaries, but it’s exhausting. It’s clear to me that this is just not getting better. It’s making me miserable. Part of me desperately wants to tell him exactly how I feel and to let him know I want out, but I also am a total mess in my head and know that I cannot deal with the fallout while trying to keep functional and working. This is just such a hard place to be. I know the conversation needs to happen sooner rather than later. Maybe I need to reach out to more of my supports.

[40 years in]

I'm sorry you're going through this.
It's so hard because you care, but it's never ending and, as you say exhausting.

I've always led my life by the rule that I don't make big decisions when I feel emotionally drained.

It's good that you took yourself to bed to rest. As you say, you didn't kick him out of bed, he chose to sleep on the couch. He's an adult, he can choose how he takes care of himself.

For me, words have never shown the truth. Actions are the only thing I watch now for behavioural changes, and I know I no longer believe the lies that mine speils when he is trying to tell me what I want to hear.

Take some more self care where you can. If you find yourself having difficulty focusing, then do something you enjoy for yourself.

[thepixies21]

I'm sorry you're going through this.
It's so hard because you care, but it's never ending and, as you say exhausting.

I've always led my life by the rule that I don't make big decisions when I feel emotionally drained.

It's good that you took yourself to bed to rest. As you say, you didn't kick him out of bed, he chose to sleep on the couch. He's an adult, he can choose how he takes care of himself.

For me, words have never shown the truth. Actions are the only thing I watch now for behavioural changes, and I know I no longer believe the lies that mine speils when he is trying to tell me what I want to hear.

Take some more self care where you can. If you find yourself having difficulty focusing, then do something you enjoy for yourself.

I agree, I'm trying to hold off on saying anything about divorce in the heat of the moment, this is a huge deal, and because I do care about him I want to try to make this as painless as I can for him. And you're right, actions speak louder than words, and I'm seeing more and more that he can say all the right things but I have yet to see sustainable change. It's becoming more real for me, I think. I am seeing that this is probably going to end sooner rather than later, and it's a hard reality to face. I'm sure it will be for both of us. But this in between period is definitely getting to me. It feels awful.

[livednlearned]

He then said this is the first time that I’m bringing this up, and I told him that totally isn’t true. He said how was he supposed to know that this was a problem, and I got upset, because he’s just not taking any accountability for his own actions.

Every fiber of his being will resist being accountable.

Every fiber of your being, especially with tendencies towards FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) will be tested.

What would make it easier for you in the crux moments when it's time for that conversation or time to leave?

This is a hunch and I may be wrong in my reading of the situation, but piecing together some of your posts (including having to caretake your mom), I'm wondering if you find it challenging to say how something feels independent of the health effects on them?

Meaning, is your H under the belief that it's his health that makes you worried?

Or does he know how you feel about whether you like being around someone drunk or stoned?

It seems like a small distinction but it might be worth looking at, not for him or any practical reason, but to help you see whether you are downplaying the significance of how you feel.

[thepixies21]

Every fiber of his being will resist being accountable.

Every fiber of your being, especially with tendencies towards FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) will be tested.

What would make it easier for you in the crux moments when it's time for that conversation or time to leave?

This is a hunch and I may be wrong in my reading of the situation, but piecing together some of your posts (including having to caretake your mom), I'm wondering if you find it challenging to say how something feels independent of the health effects on them?

Meaning, is your H under the belief that it's his health that makes you worried?

Or does he know how you feel about whether you like being around someone drunk or stoned?

It seems like a small distinction but it might be worth looking at, not for him or any practical reason, but to help you see whether you are downplaying the significance of how you feel.

100%! I definitely feel like it’s very true that I don’t expect people to value how their actions make me feel, and that I’ve had more success appealing to their concerns about themselves and their own safety to get my point across.. It’s very automatic and I don’t think I’ve really looked at it that way til you said it. And it’s also probably true that I feel safer not expressing how much pain I’m in, especially if I expect them to not care. I did tell him after I read your reply that this behavior with drinking and marijuana makes me feel lonely and sad. He responded how I expected him to; that me doing things for self care also makes him feel that way. But I did feel good to say how I feel, it’s not a thing I do much. It’s probably not a bad practice for someone like me :-)

[thepixies21]

What would make it easier for you in the crux moments when it's time for that conversation or time to leave?

I've been thinking about this question for the last few days, and I think the fear obligation and guilt are definitely factors that have kept me in this relationship much longer than I should have stayed. I think the thing that holds me back the most, is just feeling like a bad person for leaving someone who has a mental illness and is struggling. I think it might help me make that decision if I can share my story with another family member that I can trust. I think I need to get more perspective on the situation, see if other people are seeing what I'm seeing, to see if I can reassure myself that I'm not being a bad person for wanting to do this. The things I can hold onto that make me feel like that's not the case, is knowing that staying in this relationship is affecting my own mental health, and it makes every day harder. I don't have anything left in me at this point that allows me to give him the things he need, which are validation, patience. I wish I could say that I feel confident about making the choice because it will mean a better life for me, and one where I can finally just take care of myself without caretaking someone else like I have for my whole life. But I have a hard time justifying that. I don't know if it's not feeling worthy of that, but I hope I can get to that point. 

[livednlearned]

I've been thinking about this question for the last few days, and I think the fear obligation and guilt are definitely factors that have kept me in this relationship much longer than I should have stayed. I think the thing that holds me back the most, is just feeling like a bad person for leaving someone who has a mental illness and is struggling. I think it might help me make that decision if I can share my story with another family member that I can trust. I think I need to get more perspective on the situation, see if other people are seeing what I'm seeing, to see if I can reassure myself that I'm not being a bad person for wanting to do this. The things I can hold onto that make me feel like that's not the case, is knowing that staying in this relationship is affecting my own mental health, and it makes every day harder. I don't have anything left in me at this point that allows me to give him the things he need, which are validation, patience. I wish I could say that I feel confident about making the choice because it will mean a better life for me, and one where I can finally just take care of myself without caretaking someone else like I have for my whole life. But I have a hard time justifying that. I don't know if it's not feeling worthy of that, but I hope I can get to that point. 

I don't remember reading in any of your posts that you were leaving someone because of a mental illness or because he was struggling.

It sounds to me like the struggle is this: he has a substance abuse problem and an untreated mental illness that he is unwilling to take seriously. He is choosing substances to stabilize himself. He is in a relationship with drugs and alcohol first. You will always come second to his first love, which is to feel numb.

Validation and patience, no matter how bottomless your well might be, are not enough to cure him or make him better.

In my relationship, I think it got worse the longer we were together because his shame grew. The more I took care of him, the lower his opinion of me became. How could I be a good/strong/worthy spouse if he was getting away with his behavior over and over again. I must be damaged and therefore treated as such.

My hunch is that there is another fear, one that happens outside self-awareness. Which is the fear of developing an identity separate from caretaking.

As you prepare to leave, you may focus on him, but the root anxiety is about discovering who you are without someone to help.

[thepixies21]

My hunch is that there is another fear, one that happens outside self-awareness. Which is the fear of developing an identity separate from caretaking.

As you prepare to leave, you may focus on him, but the root anxiety is about discovering who you are without someone to help.

Thank you. I think I needed that reframing to remind myself why this isn't working with us. I agree, he just wants to be numb, and he isn't in a place where he wants that to change. And I just can't be there with him anymore.

I think I do have that fear of learning who I am without someone to take care of, since I have never done that. But the times I've done things for myself and by myself have always felt good, so I'm hoping this fear will get better with time.

I'm just trying to explore any and all reasons I might buckle or back out when I tell him I want to leave. I know there is no perfect time and I'm never going to feel certain, but hoping I can come into this discussion with him having some degree of peace. So thank you for reminding me how I got here.

[Cat Familiar]

I can identify with your predicament. My husband abused alcohol on a regular basis and often took Ambien and hydrocodone together with the alcohol. Numb—that was what he was aiming for.

I tried to caution him about the health effects of drinking to excess on a regular basis, and no matter how I tried to bring that up—it always went astray.

“You hate me,” was often his response to my well-intentioned concern. No, I hated his habit of abusing his body.

Well, it finally caught up with him. He had a stroke. Now he is disabled with little hope of regaining function of his left arm. Fortunately he’s learned to walk, but now spasticity is making that increasingly difficult.

I’ve often summarized my feelings to my friends about this situation as he’s in the Find Out phase of F* Around and Find Out. I felt like I was watching a freight train moving in slow motion as he was lying on the tracks. He seemingly thought of his behavior as just having a good time, while I worried incessantly.

Our lives were so intertwined at a point. If this were not the case, it would have been prudent for me to get out. Now I’m not only a caregiver for a BPD spouse, but I’m a caregiver to someone with very limited ability to take care of himself.

You have options. Think about where you might be in a 5 years, 10 years, 20 years if this pattern continues—and it will. He has no incentive to change. But you do.