Breaking up because of boyfriend’s BPD sister

[Depression = 72% of members]

I’d really appreciate this site’s perspective on this.  The situation is a bit out of ordinary for me and I wanted to know if I’m handling it correctly. I’d appreciate any advice or tips.

Context:

- I’d been going out with my boyfriend for two years. He is kind, caring and considerate. We’ve supported each other through tough times. I have lots of fond memories with him and we had plans we were excited for too.

- My boyfriend thinks that the sister has bpd, and his mum agrees. His sister also looked into it and agreed it was possible. This was about a year ago, they’ve not taken any steps to speak to the GP or get treatment.

Event:

- I got on okay with the sister until around 7 months ago. I referred her to a job, and this meant I was given a referral bonus. I come from a not well off family, and especially at that time was struggling to make ends meet. She is living at home and not really contributing to bills or rent. I explained why I wasn’t able to split it, but did say I was open to talking about it.  Having not heard back I assumed she was okay with that as an answer.

- On the next pay day, she texted me her bank details and asked for me to send half to her. I didn’t know what to do as I hadn’t budgeted it at all, and asked my boyfriend to explain that there had been a misunderstanding.

- He told me she was shouting and crying at him, and his mum. Saying incredibly hurtful things about me, him and their mum. Their mum also sided with the sister, hoping I’d send the money over.  He said he understood his family and saying telling her no wouldn’t make the issue go away. He said the best thing to do was to send the money. He would sell his car, and pay me back.

- I didn’t feel comfortable doing it, as sending the money also sent a message about what was an acceptable way to treat me, my decisions. I also felt it send a message about what was an acceptable way to treat my boyfriend. I had an abusive mother growing up and ended up in an abusive relationship when I went to uni. I worked really hard to learn to set boundaries, especially on what is an acceptable way to treat me. It isn’t something I’m willing to compromise on.

- In the end, the situation blew over without a resolution. His family stopped talking to me, and avoided me. It was hurtful, especially as I got on well with the mum before this. I also felt it was unfair to be treated like this because they couldn’t respect my choice.  At that time, I decided to let it go as every family is different.

It turns out, the sister has been arguing with the family over this again. It’s gotten to the point, he feels if I do not send the money over he will get cut off by his family. Family is very important to him, and he doesn’t want that to happen.

I explained my need for boundaries and why I couldn’t do that. He was understanding but could not see another option. He also started saying he has to remain neutral in this, and that I’ve also ignored them for the last 6 months. (It’s hard not to ignore them when then avoid you like the plague).   From my point of view, it was crushing to find out that your SO does not stand up for you when they acknowledge you are being treated unfairly.   

I told him that I am unable to continue a relationship if I lose trust in him speaking up for me when I’m being treated badly. Especially as it’s his family, if he doesn’t say anything who will? He initially agreed that he would try and stand up for me.  After speaking to his mum, he came to the conclusion that he is unable to support or take my side in this. For me this is a deal breaker, this relationship is good as over.

Tldr: I’m ending the relationship as my boyfriend won’t speak up for me or take my side when I’m being treated badly by his possible BPD sister.

As the relationship draws to an end, I find my self with doubts. Have I been to rigid in this? Should I have factored in BPD as a mental illness and had more understanding? I have ADHD and my boyfriends acceptable and understanding of it is one of the things that I treasured about him. How is he okay with throwing away a two year relationship because his sister demands it?

[ChooChooChoooo]

I’d really appreciate this site’s perspective on this.  The situation is a bit out of ordinary for me and I wanted to know if I’m handling it correctly. I’d appreciate any advice or tips.

Context:

- I’d been going out with my boyfriend for two years. He is kind, caring and considerate. We’ve supported each other through tough times. I have lots of fond memories with him and we had plans we were excited for too.

- My boyfriend thinks that the sister has bpd, and his mum agrees. His sister also looked into it and agreed it was possible. This was about a year ago, they’ve not taken any steps to speak to the GP or get treatment.

Event:

- I got on okay with the sister until around 7 months ago. I referred her to a job, and this meant I was given a referral bonus. I come from a not well off family, and especially at that time was struggling to make ends meet. She is living at home and not really contributing to bills or rent. I explained why I wasn’t able to split it, but did say I was open to talking about it.  Having not heard back I assumed she was okay with that as an answer.

- On the next pay day, she texted me her bank details and asked for me to send half to her. I didn’t know what to do as I hadn’t budgeted it at all, and asked my boyfriend to explain that there had been a misunderstanding.

- He told me she was shouting and crying at him, and his mum. Saying incredibly hurtful things about me, him and their mum. Their mum also sided with the sister, hoping I’d send the money over.  He said he understood his family and saying telling her no wouldn’t make the issue go away. He said the best thing to do was to send the money. He would sell his car, and pay me back.

- I didn’t feel comfortable doing it, as sending the money also sent a message about what was an acceptable way to treat me, my decisions. I also felt it send a message about what was an acceptable way to treat my boyfriend. I had an abusive mother growing up and ended up in an abusive relationship when I went to uni. I worked really hard to learn to set boundaries, especially on what is an acceptable way to treat me. It isn’t something I’m willing to compromise on.

- In the end, the situation blew over without a resolution. His family stopped talking to me, and avoided me. It was hurtful, especially as I got on well with the mum before this. I also felt it was unfair to be treated like this because they couldn’t respect my choice.  At that time, I decided to let it go as every family is different.

It turns out, the sister has been arguing with the family over this again. It’s gotten to the point, he feels if I do not send the money over he will get cut off by his family. Family is very important to him, and he doesn’t want that to happen.

I explained my need for boundaries and why I couldn’t do that. He was understanding but could not see another option. He also started saying he has to remain neutral in this, and that I’ve also ignored them for the last 6 months. (It’s hard not to ignore them when then avoid you like the plague).   From my point of view, it was crushing to find out that your SO does not stand up for you when they acknowledge you are being treated unfairly.   

I told him that I am unable to continue a relationship if I lose trust in him speaking up for me when I’m being treated badly. Especially as it’s his family, if he doesn’t say anything who will? He initially agreed that he would try and stand up for me.  After speaking to his mum, he came to the conclusion that he is unable to support or take my side in this. For me this is a deal breaker, this relationship is good as over.

Tldr: I’m ending the relationship as my boyfriend won’t speak up for me or take my side when I’m being treated badly by his possible BPD sister.

As the relationship draws to an end, I find my self with doubts. Have I been to rigid in this? Should I have factored in BPD as a mental illness and had more understanding? I have ADHD and my boyfriends acceptable and understanding of it is one of the things that I treasured about him. How is he okay with throwing away a two year relationship because his sister demands it?

[Notwendy]

How is he okay with throwing away a two year relationship because his sister demands it?

I guess the same reason my father did the same thing unless I complied with my mother and tolerated her behavior. I don't know exactly why but these family dynamics are complicated. When we grow up with them, they become our "normal". We also are afraid to go against the family dynamics.

I think you have your answer. Your BF chose to go along with your sister rather than stand up for you. You too can have your values about what you are looking for in a long term relationship. That is what dating is about- seeing if two people are compatible with their most important values. If not, then the you know this isn't ground on which to build a long term relationship.

I don't know when it happened that dating someone became different than this. People think "I invested two years in this" but if it isn't working, then why invest any more time in it?

And a long term relationship is unique. People can have friends of all backgrounds and with different ideas, but for a family, people can choose to marry someone with the same religion, or education background, or values, or mutual goals if they want. It isn't wrong to have your choice. We can't expect someone to change who they are to suit us and vice versa.

On this board, we don't tell people to stay or leave in a relationship but for me, if someone chooses to please a disordered family member by compromising his partner, that is a red flag.

I have a BPD mother. I don't think my H would tolerate it if I didn't have boundaries with her. Even with boundaries her drama is something we deal with. But he knows that I will not compromise our family for her. No family is without issues and he has some too but he has boundaries with them as well.

When it comes to disordered family members ( every family has some I think ), we are on the same page as how to treat them: cordially and with boundaries and to not defend them if they are upset with either of us. You can choose someone who also feels the same way you do about this and you have every right to do so.

[GaGrl]

Just to validate your position...

I spent my 40+ year career in various areas of HR. Talent Acquisition/Recruiting departments often pay referral bonuses. In no way, in no world would the person hired be entitled to any of that referral bonus. If the position was especially difficult to fill, the company might pay the person being hired a sign-on bonus -- and the person making the referral would not be entitled to any part of the sign-on bonus.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hi  

I also felt a need to validate your position here... They are bullying you into giving up what is rightfully yours, and to a sister-in-law? You don't owe her anything. I get the sense that your boyfriend is also being bullied into position, but ultimately, it is still his decision to side with his abuser. He hasn't reached bottom yet...a bottom we all reached at some point that forced us to see everything we lost and were losing by not holding boundaries up, by not standing up for ourselves.

You cannot force him to side with you, you cannot force him to divorce his family for you, you sadly cannot do anything to help him. It hurts. I know. I get it. And it isn't your fault. Honestly, you are absolutely right that giving in now is basically setting the tone for the relationship with them, it is validating the invalid. And I think you are right to stand up for yourself.

I don't think you are too rigid. I think you are very wise. I am sorry you are going through this though. Breaking up is hard, even more so when it is because of "someone else". But ultimately .. it isn't... He is showing you who he is, believe him. He is not there yet where he can stand up to his family, so being with him is ultimately accepting to be with his family and to bend to their will...

For now, it's about referral money, what will it be next? A person with BPD suffers (don't we all though...), but they aren't victims, and the fact that they are mentally unstable does not give them the right or an excuse to abuse others and keep abusing others. It is not helping them to validate their unreasonable demands. By holding reasonable boundaries, you are actually helping everyone.

Listen to your guts.  

[livednlearned]

As the relationship draws to an end, I find my self with doubts. Have I been to rigid in this? Should I have factored in BPD as a mental illness and had more understanding?

I agree with Riv3rW0lf you sound wise and very healthy and it's sad that they cannot meet you in the middle. Your perspective on relationships and boundaries could really help them. Unfortunately, BPD doesn't develop in a vacuum and the family often tilts in the direction of the person with the most problematic behaviors. In some families, their own dysfunctional dynamics helped foster the conditions for BPD to develop.

It's so hard for a relationship to end, and I really feel for you. Two years is a long time to invest in someone. It's really good that you got to see this play out, though. Without treatment, BPD patterns will repeat ad nauseum. There is often chaos. As the outsider to their dynamic, you would be case in this role (it helps stabilize the family to make you the bad guy. Now they have a common target).

What's tough is that even if you learned everything there is to know about dealing with BPD, if the rest of the family doesn't understand what's happening they would continue to enable her behaviors at your expense.

You mention that family is important to your BF. It's probably more that there is a loyalty bind. Normal families don't threaten to cut someone off over something like this. He doesn't have the skills or insight to understand the ways in which he's trained to maintain peace. Almost always it will be at his expense.

[zachira]

Your situation sounds sadly familiar to many people on this site, who have/had a long term relationship with a partner who could not support the significant other when she/he was badly treated by family members and instead enabled the family members to continue to mistreat the significant other. In some cases after many years, the partner did start to support the significant other, and in most cases never did. You are wise to realize what is happening and to confront your partner. Is it a deal breaker for you for this relationship or a future one that your partner does not have your back when it comes down to having to deal with his family mistreating you?

[ChooChooChoooo]

Thank you everyone for replying to me. I posted here mainly because I wanted to see the situation from someone in my boyfriend’s position. It has been really helpful hearing everyone’s thoughts on the matter. 

I know this forum is for people living and dealing with a loved one with BPD and not really intended for me, someone caught in the cross fire.  So I appreciate the time taken for each and every answer.

I’ll try to reply to everyone below. I’ve had a long day so sorry if it’s not very coherent.  My brain rambles and no amount of editing can save it. 

These answers are in a way, me processing my own thoughts as I go through a breakup. Please feel no obligation to reply again if you do not wish to. Of course, all answers and views would be welcomed and deeply appreciated.

@NotWendy

Thank you for sharing your experience, I can’t imagine how much more painful it must be when it’s a parent letting you down like that. 

Your insights on family dynamics confirmed what I had suspected. I feel he’s always had to give things up to keep the peace, and this is just a continuation of that dynamic.  I still care for him and it hurts immensely seeing him feel like he has no other option than to give up a healthy caring relationship. 

You are right, I do have my answer. At the end of the day, I can’t be in a relationship with anyone who doesn’t stand by me when I’m being mistreated.

I’m very glad that you made it clear to your partner that he is not someone you’d compromise.  I’m sure he really appreciates knowing that as a certainty. In my position it’s all I’d want to hear. 

@GaGrl

Thank you for weighing in on this side of the situation. When the situation first started, I did have my doubts. I came to the conclusion this was my decision, and I’m allowed to ask people to respect that. 

I still really appreciate the validation of this, especially as the sign on bonus was brand new perspective.  If the roles were reversed, I’d never thought to even ask, let alone go to this extend over a bonus. I’d struggled with thinking I was selfish and greedy, and this really helped.

@Riv3rW0lf

Thank you for taking the time to validate my experience. I’m hurting but at least it feels worth it for the right reasons.

I agree he is also a victim here. I know he tried to protect me from it the best knew how, limiting my contact with his family trying to resolve it. I think he’s tried the best he knows and now he feel he’s out of options.

I genuinely love him so much, and watching him hurt over this destroys me. Not being able to make him see that it’s not his responsibility to keep the peace through sacrificing things that make him happy hurts. I want to be there for him and not knowing how to help hurts.  I know you said I can’t help, I do want to ask again just to properly get it into my skull.  Is there nothing at all I can do?

I would also like to make clear, I would never ask him to stop talking to his family. That is not a small decision to make, let alone mine.  All I wanted was for him to side with me on this, and to stand up for me.  If he’d been able to, I was ready to put a lot of effort into repairing relationships and trying to calm the situation.

I know it is not another person making us break up. The loss of trust on my side was down to his reactions, rather than anything his sister did.

The one doubt I have remaining is. I think not standing up for me is just an extension of not standing up for himself. It feels like I’m ending the relationship because he’s been through toxic relationships and isn’t comfortable standing up for his needs. I’ve been in that situation before. Without other people standing up for me when I felt too weak to, I don’t think I would have been able to grow into the person I am today.  This sounds a bit saviour complexly, I mean it more in the sense of giving someone a supportive environment rather that doing the legwork.

@livednlearned

A relationship ending like this is hard, especially when it was the healthiest most supportive relationship of both our lives so far.  Thank you for recognising that and being empathetic.

From the way he speaks about his family, I had suspected it was common repeating behaviour. The sister acts out, lashes out at the mum who them calls my boyfriend for emotional support. I know they are all kind caring people and would benefit greatly from  therapy and developing a separated sense of self worth. I do genuinely wish them the best and hope they take the step towards diagnosis and therapy.

@zachira

Thank you for posing that question to me. It came at a great time. After writing a reply to all the other repliers above, I came to realisation.

When he couldn’t stand up for me, a lot of the hurt I was feeling was  a sense of  not being important enough to him, not loved enough.  After organising my thoughts, I no longer think that is the case.  Asking someone to go against a family dynamic that is so deeply rooted in them, is a very big ask.  Would I have been able to go against my mum when we were very much codependent?  In that light, when I told him that I can’t be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t speak up for me, is it essentially me putting immense pressure and leveraging our relationship to establish boundaries?

From my side, to be able to continue a relationship I’d need him to stand by me in this. This doesn’t mean speaking up for me in front of his family, instead reassuring me that  he doesn’t think I did anything wrong and not defending their actions.

 I’d also need for him to work on his own mental health. I’m happy to be considerate of someone’s situation, if they take steps to manage it.

I think this is the only compromise I can think of that doesn’t feel like me giving up on my boundaries, I still will not tolerate being treated a certain way by him.  Or it might be denial or delusion since its 5am and I haven’t slept.

I’m going to sleep on it, and possibly  propose it as an option and go from there.

[Methuen]

. He said he understood his family and saying telling her no wouldn’t make the issue go away. He said the best thing to do was to send the money. He would sell his car, and pay me back.

He’s enabling her bad behavior.  

“ I worked really hard to learn to set boundaries, especially on what is an acceptable way to treat me. It isn’t something I’m willing to compromise on.”  Good for you.  Hold onto that! Tight!

“ It’s gotten to the point, he feels if I do not send the money over he will get cut off by his family. Family is very important to him, and he doesn’t   want that to happen.”  This is crazy.  Get cut off by his family for this?

Ask yourself: is this the family dynamic you want to be part of?

“ From my point of view, it was crushing to find out that your SO does not stand up for you when they acknowledge you are being treated unfairly.”  Yes.  Heartbreaking…

“He initially agreed that he would try and stand up for me.  After speaking to his mum, he came to the conclusion that he is unable to support or take my side in this.” This tells you everything you need to know.

I support everything others have already said.  

My mom is uBPD.  She’s 87.  Her BPD torments me.  She’s now exhausting my H.  BPD doesn’t magically go away or get better on it’s own.  They have an addiction to chaos and drama and divisiveness and revenge if they don’t get what they want.

You are not being rigid.  Your brain is working for you. Trust yourself.

[Riv3rW0lf]

Hi Choochoochoo,

To answer your question : it's not that you cannot do anything to help, it's that what you are doing IS ultimately the best you can do to help him.

The man I married has great boundaries. He really does, and seeing him holding his boundaries with love is what helped me the most in becoming who I am today. I've changed so so much with him... And I still remember our first fight : I was mimicking my BPD mother and setting unreasonable standard, I was pushing his boundaries because I was tired and because that's all I knew how to do in a relationship, the exemple I had have. And he is the first ever boyfriend of mine that did not bend over but did not shake me either. He gave it to me straight: "you are being unreasonable, I've never seen you like this before and I simply won't tolerate this kind of behavior from a girlfriend, is this going to be our new normal, because if so, this won't work."

And he was so right. I was acting out my trauma, acting out like an unstable mother, I wasn't yet able to take responsibility for myself all the time. He wasn't mean, he wasn't afraid, he wasn't ashamed, and he also didn't doubt himself and just told me where his limit was. And I started respecting it. This happened maybe... Twice in the span of the 8 years we've been married. I learned quick and my husband was loving and willing to negotiate on reasonable things (help me with housekeeping ! He does now ), but he will never agree to me controlling him with emotions and guilt. And THIS taught me how to be a safe person : being with a safe person.

Seeing and being with someone who won't bend to unreasonable demands, who can stand up for himself without shame and guilt, is ultimately what was the best for me. Being with someone who truly cares for me too, and wouldn't gaslight me, wouldn't try to manipulate me. I think he is the first person I met that actually has "safe attachment", while I was avoidant and scared of relationships. And his stability ultimately taught me this kind of attachment was possible.

So...it's not that you need to leave the relationship, it's that giving in to him and his family is just entering an unhealthy dynamic. If you can maintain strong boundaries with him and them, then maybe he will learn with you. I learned with my H, but he made it very clear, from day 1, that he was not the kind of person that would go along with dysfunction.

I hope this clarifies what I meant... It depends on what kind of confrontation you are willing to take on. Like Notwendy, I never compromised H either, he was so strong, I just ...went along with his boundaries, and I started feeling different, safer, he also taught me what was and wasn't tolerable, just from how he behaves and stand up for himself. Is he always perfectly fair? No. But when he isn't, he can see it too. He is just not willing to validate the invalid, ever. And he instinctively knows the difference (which I didn't because of how I was raised).

If you want to maintain a relationship with him, he is the one that needs to follow you toward safety. It might happen ! It did for us. But you cannot hold boundaries for him, the only thing you can do is hold on to your boundaries, which will show him how. Then he can choose.

I read in your post you felt he loved you less because he chose them and now you realize this isn't what is happening, and you are right, it isn't. And this is not how to approach this when it happens, it just increases pressure. In my own opinion, a statement like my H did is the best way, there is no emotions, no manipulation, no need for validation, no fear, no nothing, just straight up facts : "this is not who you are, and if this is to be our new normal i.e., you asking me to bend to your family's unreasonable demands, this will not work for me." Then you let go...and he needs to choose if he wants to adapt and change to be with you, or keep the old patterns in.

I reached breackup point with my family when my children were born. I had already been living in another province (moved there for H's work, probably the initial save, my knight in shining armor taking me away from the witch ).This is when I realized my BPD mother was actually a dangerous person to keep around. I never could compromise my children and the relationship became unbearable, she wanted them, and started painting me as a dark being keeping them from her. And so I did. We all had a breaking point, some stayed in contact with strong boundaries, others like me went completely no contact.