Shame, Guilt, Regret, Karma

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

You know, I resent that I am forced by circumstances yet again, to do the hard thing, because I am so tired and struggling. I have so much anger brooding in me on a daily basis, that it's hard to contain, and I hope my counselor can help me tame it. I was finally able to feel relaxed last night, and it's been a struggle to do that at night. I really don't like that I've been forced to be this messenger, because I need a community to help me get through this. I don't know who needed who more, probably me to be honest, or I wouldn't have fought so hard.

Anyways, back when this journey started I got caught in this shame/guilt/regret complex again (after spending years correcting that) , that I couldn't get out of, after being abused, and this is why I've fought so hard for myself, and corrected as much behavior as I could along the way, and for the most part I've succeeded, as I didn't have any sort of clarity, and was suffering so much. I still don't have all that much clarity sometimes, and that will probably last for a while. I wrote this for myself, and it touched me, it's what I believe, and it's a declaration. If you don't agree with all of that, it's fine, but I strongly believe this, maybe you have some nuances you don't agree with, but the point behind it, I'll stand by until the day I die. I'm humbling myself enough to edit it for the community, even though it talks about not censoring words, I am going to respect our differences, and censor my words.

One thing I love about me, is my tenaciousness, my combativeness, my boldness, my strength and courage. But sometimes I am too bold, and too brave, and too combative, and I suppose this will always be a part of me, but it needs to get toned down for my own sanity, and so I can get along with people better, but this is going to be a messy process. I appreciate how this community both tolerated so much from me because they knew I was suffering so much and because they knew I was coming from a good, and honest place, despite my messy behavior. I'm not going to just focus on just my mistakes though, that's the worst thing I could do right now. In fact, right now, I don't even want to say I am sorry, because honestly, I don't have the clairty to know where my apologies should be, and it's horrible for me to humble myself where I shouldn't, because that what Narcissists get you to do all the time.

I'll always have my karma, and it's mine to contend with, everyone has their secrets, their demons, their biggest mistakes, all we can do is content with them, and use them as motivation to not repeat them. All I can do is my best each day, to be understanding with myself when I make a big mistake, because I am suffering so much and not beat myself up, since that's what repeats the cycle. All I can do is try to accept myself as best I can, as I am, flaws and all, because changing ourselves is only possible from a place of self-acceptance. And sometimes maybe it's not so bad to roll in the dirt with the sinners... every little mistake and shortcoming doesn't have to be a big deal, a lot of times we catastrophize our shortcomings, and judge ourselves, or don't allow ourselves to be human, to have fun, to be flawed.

So I can't say I am sorry, but I will say, that correcting my karma is a part of my journey, and honestly I need this place so badly. I will say I will try to do better though; I will say I will try to do better at saying thank you, or giving other people credit, I've been terrible at that, to be honest. But that's because I haven't given myself credit hardly at all, been too busy to stop and realize it. I think I've offered a lot of wisdom and thoughtfulness to the community and have helped it, and I need to let that sink in more before I can really give other people the credit they deserve. But that credit, I am doing it for myself, because I know I deserve it, I can't guilt myself into doing it for all of you.

But I do have this writing I wrote about shame and self righteousness imprisoning us, that I found beautiful, and wrote maybe a year or so ago. This is what I have to offer, and I am giving myself credit this time, I am very proud of it.

Here it is:

I'd Rather Roll in the Dirt With the Sinners...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I don't know when this all started, 10, 15, 20 years ago. When liberal started to mean self-righteous instead of open minded, compassionate and understanding. I'm still a liberal, I believe in not being constrained by society, to follow your own heart, and to try to not harm others, and to be understanding.

But this version of it is more toxic than all the ignorance it tries to defeat. Because ignorance doesn't go away when we shame it, it goes deep into our hearts, and becomes a dysfunction. Because shame doesn't cause the ignorant to become wise, it pushes them into the shadows where other ignorant people lurk, where they hear nothing but echoes, and it festers and becomes louder and louder.

Because wisdom, is not about rigid beliefs, that someone else created for us. It's nuanced, and complicated, it requires a lot of thought, and discussion. And I can't say the self righteous are much better off either, they're just as messed up as the rest of us, they just hide it better, and live their lie, maybe a bit more popular, but inauthentic.

There's a lot of pressure to tow the line, I feel it sometimes myself. But I refuse to be controlled by this crap. Because it's no where near close to enlightenment, and fulfillment. It's a f***** prison. People are too afraid to think for themselves, because they've been shamed into not doing it. People are afraid to speak up, to find their voice, to be wrong, to say the wrong thing, to laugh at the wrong thing, to not know something, so they stay silent, or become another phony, for the social status.

People aren't fighting injustice or causing harm anymore, they're fighting our minds, our imaginations, our creativity, our humor, and our feelings. They're judging our insides, instead of our actions. Words are no doubt powerful, and can definitely cause harm, but they shouldn't be policed by people, unless it rises to the level of straight up abuse.

And the policing is just getting worse, as the moderation in places like (redacted, ironic I know, but it's not appropriate here) and Reddit, places which used to be very open minded and a bastion for robust discussion, ideas, etc, are constrained by a ridiculous amount of rules. And that's excluding all the social pressures.

I don't know where I want to be, but all I know is, I'd rather roll in the dirt with the sinners, the immoral (okay, within reason), at least they're genuine and honest. At least they don't try to make you feel bad about yourself at every turn, and why do people do it? To feel superior, accepted, and to feel popular. Self righteousness, isn't righteous. It's selfish, rigid and ignorant.

Wasn't it Jesus who said, that the sinners are closer to god than the self righteous? Well he's right. Because this crap is about as far from enlightenment as I can imagine. Because love isn't about having everything be tidy, and comfortable, and perfect. It's messy, and ugly, and hard, and complicated, and f***** beautiful, simply for that fact. It allows all the room for our imperfections to shine the f*** through, because that's how it should be, because we f***ing deserve it.

[NarcsEverywhere]

You know, I resent that I am forced by circumstances yet again, to do the hard thing, because I am so tired and struggling. I have so much anger brooding in me on a daily basis, that it's hard to contain, and I hope my counselor can help me tame it. I was finally able to feel relaxed last night, and it's been a struggle to do that at night. I really don't like that I've been forced to be this messenger, because I need a community to help me get through this. I don't know who needed who more, probably me to be honest, or I wouldn't have fought so hard.

Anyways, back when this journey started I got caught in this shame/guilt/regret complex again (after spending years correcting that) , that I couldn't get out of, after being abused, and this is why I've fought so hard for myself, and corrected as much behavior as I could along the way, and for the most part I've succeeded, as I didn't have any sort of clarity, and was suffering so much. I still don't have all that much clarity sometimes, and that will probably last for a while. I wrote this for myself, and it touched me, it's what I believe, and it's a declaration. If you don't agree with all of that, it's fine, but I strongly believe this, maybe you have some nuances you don't agree with, but the point behind it, I'll stand by until the day I die. I'm humbling myself enough to edit it for the community, even though it talks about not censoring words, I am going to respect our differences, and censor my words.

One thing I love about me, is my tenaciousness, my combativeness, my boldness, my strength and courage. But sometimes I am too bold, and too brave, and too combative, and I suppose this will always be a part of me, but it needs to get toned down for my own sanity, and so I can get along with people better, but this is going to be a messy process. I appreciate how this community both tolerated so much from me because they knew I was suffering so much and because they knew I was coming from a good, and honest place, despite my messy behavior. I'm not going to just focus on just my mistakes though, that's the worst thing I could do right now. In fact, right now, I don't even want to say I am sorry, because honestly, I don't have the clairty to know where my apologies should be, and it's horrible for me to humble myself where I shouldn't, because that what Narcissists get you to do all the time.

I'll always have my karma, and it's mine to contend with, everyone has their secrets, their demons, their biggest mistakes, all we can do is content with them, and use them as motivation to not repeat them. All I can do is my best each day, to be understanding with myself when I make a big mistake, because I am suffering so much and not beat myself up, since that's what repeats the cycle. All I can do is try to accept myself as best I can, as I am, flaws and all, because changing ourselves is only possible from a place of self-acceptance. And sometimes maybe it's not so bad to roll in the dirt with the sinners... every little mistake and shortcoming doesn't have to be a big deal, a lot of times we catastrophize our shortcomings, and judge ourselves, or don't allow ourselves to be human, to have fun, to be flawed.

So I can't say I am sorry, but I will say, that correcting my karma is a part of my journey, and honestly I need this place so badly. I will say I will try to do better though; I will say I will try to do better at saying thank you, or giving other people credit, I've been terrible at that, to be honest. But that's because I haven't given myself credit hardly at all, been too busy to stop and realize it. I think I've offered a lot of wisdom and thoughtfulness to the community and have helped it, and I need to let that sink in more before I can really give other people the credit they deserve. But that credit, I am doing it for myself, because I know I deserve it, I can't guilt myself into doing it for all of you.

But I do have this writing I wrote about shame and self righteousness imprisoning us, that I found beautiful, and wrote maybe a year or so ago. This is what I have to offer, and I am giving myself credit this time, I am very proud of it.

Here it is:

I'd Rather Roll in the Dirt With the Sinners...
-----------------------------------------------------------------
I don't know when this all started, 10, 15, 20 years ago. When liberal started to mean self-righteous instead of open minded, compassionate and understanding. I'm still a liberal, I believe in not being constrained by society, to follow your own heart, and to try to not harm others, and to be understanding.

But this version of it is more toxic than all the ignorance it tries to defeat. Because ignorance doesn't go away when we shame it, it goes deep into our hearts, and becomes a dysfunction. Because shame doesn't cause the ignorant to become wise, it pushes them into the shadows where other ignorant people lurk, where they hear nothing but echoes, and it festers and becomes louder and louder.

Because wisdom, is not about rigid beliefs, that someone else created for us. It's nuanced, and complicated, it requires a lot of thought, and discussion. And I can't say the self righteous are much better off either, they're just as messed up as the rest of us, they just hide it better, and live their lie, maybe a bit more popular, but inauthentic.

There's a lot of pressure to tow the line, I feel it sometimes myself. But I refuse to be controlled by this crap. Because it's no where near close to enlightenment, and fulfillment. It's a f***** prison. People are too afraid to think for themselves, because they've been shamed into not doing it. People are afraid to speak up, to find their voice, to be wrong, to say the wrong thing, to laugh at the wrong thing, to not know something, so they stay silent, or become another phony, for the social status.

People aren't fighting injustice or causing harm anymore, they're fighting our minds, our imaginations, our creativity, our humor, and our feelings. They're judging our insides, instead of our actions. Words are no doubt powerful, and can definitely cause harm, but they shouldn't be policed by people, unless it rises to the level of straight up abuse.

And the policing is just getting worse, as the moderation in places like (redacted, ironic I know, but it's not appropriate here) and Reddit, places which used to be very open minded and a bastion for robust discussion, ideas, etc, are constrained by a ridiculous amount of rules. And that's excluding all the social pressures.

I don't know where I want to be, but all I know is, I'd rather roll in the dirt with the sinners, the immoral (okay, within reason), at least they're genuine and honest. At least they don't try to make you feel bad about yourself at every turn, and why do people do it? To feel superior, accepted, and to feel popular. Self righteousness, isn't righteous. It's selfish, rigid and ignorant.

Wasn't it Jesus who said, that the sinners are closer to god than the self righteous? Well he's right. Because this crap is about as far from enlightenment as I can imagine. Because love isn't about having everything be tidy, and comfortable, and perfect. It's messy, and ugly, and hard, and complicated, and f***** beautiful, simply for that fact. It allows all the room for our imperfections to shine the f*** through, because that's how it should be, because we f***ing deserve it.