Feeling Lost and need advice

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

An Update:

This has been an extremely hard week for me. It was our anniversary on Monday and Valentines day as well on Wednesday.

On Sunday before our Anniversary I showed her the house. She had wanted the interior painted because she said that might make it look different as she was holding on to bad memories and arguments we had in the house. I worked tirelessly the week prior to get it done before our anniversary. She broke down crying and just apologized to me for everything. She mentioned that I deserved something without a mental illness that can love me the way I should be. That there will be someone that brings me happiness the way I deserve. I told her I stand by her as her husband and friend through all this. her mental illness did not bother me it was just another obstacle that we had to learn on how to overcome. She is kind of silent on me all this week. I do feel in her heart she has moved on from me. We talked about the divorce as well and will probably be trying to file here in the coming weeks.

[gaherna3]

An Update:

This has been an extremely hard week for me. It was our anniversary on Monday and Valentines day as well on Wednesday.

On Sunday before our Anniversary I showed her the house. She had wanted the interior painted because she said that might make it look different as she was holding on to bad memories and arguments we had in the house. I worked tirelessly the week prior to get it done before our anniversary. She broke down crying and just apologized to me for everything. She mentioned that I deserved something without a mental illness that can love me the way I should be. That there will be someone that brings me happiness the way I deserve. I told her I stand by her as her husband and friend through all this. her mental illness did not bother me it was just another obstacle that we had to learn on how to overcome. She is kind of silent on me all this week. I do feel in her heart she has moved on from me. We talked about the divorce as well and will probably be trying to file here in the coming weeks.

[PhoenixKnight]

I see so many similarities in this thread to my own relationship. We were never married but she had a child from a previous relationship. Her expectation was that I do 50% (or close to) of the parenting.

I’ve only seen this thread today, and it was a difficult one to read. I’m so sorry you are going through this. The stand-out thing for me from this is that you are taking way too blame and accountability, almost like you’d carry that weight of the failures just to get her back. I was with my partner 3.5 years and the first 2 of it I did the same as you. She cut and ran many, many times, but came back when I let her figure herself out with no pressure. I know it is so much harder for you with a child involved.

When I stopped taking the blame I ultimately lost her, but I think I found myself. Looking back at it all confuses me as I can’t believe this was my life. It was chaos. She left in November and up until this week I dealt with it really well. I think I need to be honest and admit I expected her to come back again a few weeks later as she always had. I think it’s because the last few months of the relationship I started to hold a mirror up to her and stopped being drawn into the chaos as much. I can forgive myself for that as I couldn’t keep living in perpetual blame. I got sick of her projection of low mood coming out by listing my endless faults.

There is so much good advice in this thread, but I just wanted to echo that I completely understand your pain and confusion. As stated by others, this isn’t your fault, so by taking all the blame you are confirming to your wife that you are the problem. Ultimately you acted emotionally distant for a period, but she has physically and emotionally left you. She needs to take some of that responsibility.

In terms of a lack of ‘spark’, the only way you’ll have any chance of reigniting that is by being the most attractive version of yourself you can be. Focus on self improvement, start to be the man you were at the start. There’s a reason she fell for you in the first place, but I’m guessing it wasn’t being overly apologetic, down, and needy. Be an assertive guy who has regained control of his life. Focus on what you can control, which is you. Worst case scenario you will be a better partner for someone who may be even better for you in the future.

[gaherna3]

PhoenixKnight

Thank you for your words. I do understand I need to work on myself. I just find it hard not to blame myself for shutting down. Truth is the marriage and having our daughter scared me. I struggle a lot with my self worth and never thought I would be in a marriage yet alone one that I was very happy in. I failed to show that to her and I am losing it all now.

I know I have to keep my head up and keep working on myself. Not all of it is on me. She could learn to forgive. I appreciate all the words and advice from anyone. I am trying but some days are just hard to stay above water.

[PhoenixKnight]

I know the feeling mate. I don’t know what’s happened to me this week, my grief has just hit me like a train. I’ve gone from being resilient and almost ‘eff you’ for 11 weeks to absolute heartbreak at the loss. I think it’s because although she was the one to leave me, we had both been really struggling so I also felt a huge amount of relief when she went. It almost feels like I was the dumper as I didn’t fight at all and agreed with her when she said she’s done. Now I’m just really missing the good and her daughter. Seeing her every day at work has become much tougher than it was at any point. Hopefully it’s just a phase that passes as I’m realising we couldn’t realistically make work. I didn’t even push for closure with her as I just retreated into no contact. Gotta stick this through though as nothing can be achieved really from opening old wounds. This suddenly really sucks.

[ForeverDad]

My ex somehow seemed to sabotage vacations.  Even preparing for vacations seemed to be too much for her.  She would start complaining while I was gathering and putting things in the car.  (PwBPD have many typical triggers and preparing for vacation can be one of them.)

Guess what?  After separation I made a decision that I would enjoy my vacations.  Sure, I still can't estimate very well how long it takes to pack everything but I usually have a big vacation every summer.  Last year I had too many doctor appointments to leave, but in 2022 I spent 4 weeks in the Rocky mountains and a bit farther west in the national parks.  I love scenic nature photos.  Photos here.  It was 28 relaxing days and not one night in a hotel.  I don't have the energy to put up or take down a tent every day, so I put a camping mattress in the back of my SUV.  Of course, even as slow as I wandered the West, I still came home exhausted.

Yes, right now your life situation is excruciating and devastating, but there is a better future ahead, just give yourself time to recover.  After all, Recovery is a process, not an event.

[livednlearned]

This has been an extremely hard week for me. It was our anniversary on Monday and Valentines day as well on Wednesday.

That's really tough, gaherna. Those are hard dates on the calendar, especially when things are so raw and fresh.

Maybe they're having an influence on things, it's hard to say.

Either way, I hope you're finding some relief and taking good care of yourself.

[boundriesrus]

An Update:

This has been an extremely hard week for me. It was our anniversary on Monday and Valentines day as well on Wednesday.

I know very much how you are feeling gaherna3. I am sorry that you are having all these reminders of your current situation. Know that you are not alone. I myself am going thru the motions of looking for a divorce attorney, and having made the decision with our marriage counselor to bring everything to light this upcoming weeks session. Specifically in regards to the the reasons we don't have sex anymore, due to her actions over the years with the overly groping and sexual assaults on nights where I was having panic attacks and couldn't perform. I am not sure if she even remembers these events due to her past happenings of dissociative amnesia, but sadly the behavior ended up causing me to have PTSD (just diagnosed 3 weeks ago) and I think its best to separate in order for us both to heal. Currently trying to get her help and that is why we are in counseling together. It is an extremely crappy situation, especially since we have a daughter together. So I feel for your situation. Do your best to focus on yourself, as that is the best thing you can do right now. I found refuge in exercise and trying new foods to loose weight and lower blood pressure. Focus on your daughter next as you will never be able to fully take care of another person, if you don't take care of yourself first. It may feel selfish at times, which is normal, and what we have been conditioned to feel, which is why we fall for the spouses like we have.

Honestly I know these times suck, and as I was having to remind myself the other night while I was alone in the house while bawling my eyes out and having panic attack for what I am about to tell her, that it is going to break her heart. I never meant to hurt her, like she hurt me, but in the long run it will get better. Just hold onto hope, stay strong, set firm boundaries in your decisions and allow yourself time to heal. Best of luck as you move forward thru these hards times.

[gaherna3]

Thank you all for the support.

We had another conversation on Sunday. It was a hard conversation and she seems to be placing so much blame on me. I understand I shutdown emotionally at times especially when under pressure but I feel like she is being to harsh on me. I feel completely devastated and almost ashamed at myself. I never meant to make her feel unloved but according to her that is how she felt. What gets me is every time we talk there is an extra layer of her feeling unloved by me or something new. For example, after we had our daughter I thought she was going with her mom because she needed some extra help with our daughter. She told me now it was because she was struggling with out relationship but that was never mentioned to me.

I just miss who we were. I know I have fault in all this too but her words and all the blame she puts on me is really putting me down. That switch from her is black and white and it is so hard to keep strong.

[Pook075]

Thank you all for the support.

We had another conversation on Sunday. It was a hard conversation and she seems to be placing so much blame on me. I understand I shutdown emotionally at times especially when under pressure but I feel like she is being to harsh on me. I feel completely devastated and almost ashamed at myself. I never meant to make her feel unloved but according to her that is how she felt. What gets me is every time we talk there is an extra layer of her feeling unloved by me or something new. For example, after we had our daughter I thought she was going with her mom because she needed some extra help with our daughter. She told me now it was because she was struggling with out relationship but that was never mentioned to me.

I just miss who we were. I know I have fault in all this too but her words and all the blame she puts on me is really putting me down. That switch from her is black and white and it is so hard to keep strong.

I went through the same process with my ex-wife, and we had a conversation a few days ago where I told her that the stuff we argued about wasn't what actually mattered.  What really mattered was what she kept inside and couldn't talk about, because it's impossible to fix problems that are hidden.  They just grow and fester into bitterness and resentment.

Today, my ex wife would tell you that I was abusive, toxic, and impossible to be around.  If you asked her for an example, however, she wouldn't be able to give you one.  Relatives have asked her since we separated and she'd say, "You know how he is...."  But they saw a good guy who took care of his wife, so they're just as perplexed as I am.

In terms of fault, there's always enough to go around if that's where the focus is.  My advice would be to stop blaming, stop accepting blame, and focus on what actually matters.  You love her, she loves you, and the only path forward is working together through love and support.  That's what it all ultimately comes down to.

The past is dead- figuratively and literally.  It can't be changed no matter how hard you try, but you can learn and grow from it.  The battle you're facing is moving away from the "who did what in the past" type of mindset to loving each other in the present.

[gaherna3]

I wanted to re post and update you all on my situation. It has been a few months now at this point. Today my still wife admitted herself into the hospital because of SI. This past Tuesday she had a break down and I went to talk with her and spend the evening trying to calm her down. Now today that she was admitted I had an extremely long day at work and still went to the hospital afterwards to try and see her. I was not let in but they gave me her things.

Here is where I might have crossed a line. When I got to my car I threw her stuff on the passenger seat and her phone lit up. I saw a message from a guy I never heard about that said "I miss you." My heart sank. For the past 6 months I have been trying to make her life as comfortable to transition back to being independent as I can. What I mean by this is I have kept paying her phone, Health insurance, car insurance, and car payment. That is on top of me still paying her child support. I have been trying everything to sure her that no matter her episodes I will still be there.

Now I have been pretty sure these past 2 months that a relationship would not work out between us again but seeing that text really hurt. Fortunately, I have a decent relationship with her mom and step dad (has been in her life 9 years). I called them to ask if they knew. They said yes. Apparently it has been a thing for a few months. The last 2-3 months she has been seeing and sleeping with this other guy, who she seems to be using as a replacement, I have been trying my besst to cheer her up and make her feel beautiful and validated. Mother's day I took her flowers and got her tickets to Matt Rife as a gift. She still just was living a double life going to him every night. We are separated and we both knew that. I guess I am just upset that I was made such a big fool. After what I tried to do for her I think I deserved some honesty.

I have read countless blogs on here with people struggling with their BPD partner. It is amazing to me how every story is almost the same play by play. This whole last year I have read and almost had a foreshadowing of the next thing to come.

We do have a 2 and half year-old daughter. I know one of the pieces of advice here is to ask for custody while the person does therapy and gets better. After this last little thing that happened, I think it is the only right thing I should do. With another person in her ear, I do not know what she is going to try to do and that is a scary position to be in. Any advice on how to go about it from here? I do not want to keep her from her daughter physically but I think it is in her best interest and my best protection to legally have her be under my custody. I do not want to hurt my wife. I truly wish her happiness and for her to be better.

However, in trying to save her, I lost myself. I fell empty and this last finding was the final knife. She truly has left me a shell of a man right now.

[ForeverDad]

If you're in the USA and already providing health care coverage you're required to continue coverage until the divorce is final.  Even thereafter the insurance company must offer her a year or more of coverage at an unsubsidized rate.  If need be, ask your HR about details of COBRA coverage post-marriage.

We do have a 2 and half year-old daughter. I know one of the pieces of advice here is to ask for custody while the person does therapy and gets better. After this last little thing that happened, I think it is the only right thing I should do.

You have no assurance whether she will get better.  Frankly, her getting better is an iffy thing at best.  You have to strategize for worst case outcomes.  Already you know she has already leaped into a new relationship.  Even if this one fails, she may start other relationships.  She is an adult and you've already tried for years to support her but the reality is that you can't fix her.  Your focus needs to be on the minor child.

With a wee little child you cannot afford to be too-fair or too-nice or too-generous.  Your child needs you to step up and be the reasonably normal and proactive parent that she needs.  That your spouse has had need of mental health services (and not just long ago in the past) is valid basis to reveal during your divorce.  Make sure you have some sort of documentation of this sort of events.  With HIPAA laws restricting you, it may be hard to get access to such incidents and records later.
*Do not downplay or hide this!*

[livednlearned]

I fell empty and this last finding was the final knife. She truly has left me a shell of a man right now.

gaherna3, what a series of blows, my heart goes out to you. Know that you deserve to be treated so much better than this.

Not all people can show up and fulfill the baseline duties of a parent. We grieve for them -- this is not the natural order of things. But your daughter has one parent who can show up for her. It's you. Even with all you've been through you are thinking of her and how she will feel.

She is your priority now. In her own way, mom has shown she has the ability to get the resources she needs, whether it's someone other than you or hospital services. It's a dire situation because she is not emotionally capable of caring for herself and that makes her unfit to properly care for your daughter.

Someone said to me that my job was to keep my son safe. It helped me manage the guilt of caring for then leaving the broken man who was his father. Many of us try to take care of child and BPD partner and often this is just not possible. It is one or the other, not both.