She turned 18

[KAD]

My first post, been so desperate, therapist don’t help because there advice and tools don’t work for me with my daughter.  So the day my daughter turned 18 she cut me out of the picture but still lives at home and depends on us for everything.  I know it is her right to do so however she stopped taking meds, refuses to go to psychiatrist, she is willing to continue seeing her therapist but often complains.  She recently checked herself into a crisis center after a hard week of life demotion at her job, we were trying to talk with her about her plan to move out and ended up calling the sheriff and the mental health officer then she messed up her hair trying to dye it….  She came home and once again her meds are running out and refuses to get an appointment to see a psychiatrist to at least get the meds they gave her while in the crisis center.  We wanted her to go to a residential treatment center but has also refused.  The verbal attacks and yelling and complaining if we ask her to help is mentally taking its toll on me, she has also broken down our bed room door because it was locked and this upset her, she takes things that are mine in my bedroom bathroom area without asking.  She even took something of mine and hid it in her room to just be mean because she said I deserve it since I gave her sister one more donut for helping me with something and she only got one but did not help.  My husband says he wants her out he is tired of the verbal abuse and no longer willing to deal with it.  At a loss of what to do and I am running out of patience and mental strength.   

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[tristesse]

Hi Kad
This resonates with me so deeply.
first of all, let me say I am incredibly sorry you are experiencing this. It sounds just like my own daughter.
My daughter is now 39, and we had some rough times in the past. You can go back and look at my posts, it was quite brutal.
First off though, let me assure that things can get better.
use the tools that are on this site, they really do work. the more you practice, the easier it becomes, and the more beneficial.
remember, you can't force her into therapy, it only works when they go regularly, and when they recognize there is a problem , so they want to be there. forcing her will make her rebel, and fight the help, she needs to be all in!
a BPD fears rejection, they will lash out at you to keep you from hurting them. If you reject her in any way, her deepest fear has been realized.

[Sancho]

Hi KAD
So sorry for your situation. I understand how difficult things can be - I have doors here with holes in them! BPD is, in my opinion, the most difficult condition to relate to/support etc.

I notice your dd is working (although it sounds as though there are some issues there to cause demotion). She also booked herself into the crisis centre which is pretty impressive and shows she has some insight and can act on that.

From my own experience these are my thoughts:

Be cautious about planning independent living. I took this step and regretted it because dd wasn't ready for independent living and it ended in chaos with a financial loss for me.

Moving to independence is stressful for any young person. For the bpd teenager the stress level is very high and also it triggers abandonment and then anger. Your dd might interpret the plans as 'they want me out because they only want to have my sister here, because they only love her'.

Our lives change dramatically when we live with someone with bpd. Once you become aware of the triggers of 'abandonment' you become someone who uses skills to relate to that person rather than just being your normal self.

I can relate to the usual advice not working for a bpd child, in fact a paediatric psychiatrist told me that usual behaviour management doesn't often work for bpd. I had to do a lot of thinking about what boundaries I wanted to focus on.

I came across a statement on this site that said something like 'boundaries are what you need to survive yourself'. This made huge sense to me. Instead of putting up lots of boundaries for dd which she always broke anyway, I focused on what I needed. So, as an example, I don't ask her to clean her room etc, I try not to engage with her because I find that her mind is so loaded, I just get abuse as a response.

If I want to talk to my dd I usually try to go on a long drive. I find that calms her and if I feel that is the case I will bring up what I want to discuss. I am wondering if you have a way to 'set the scene' for a discussion? If so, I would ask her what she is going to commit to and what support she would like. Otherwise I find texting is a better way to communicate - once again when I feel dd's stress level is not too bad.

If she 'goes off' well you have done all you can. With bpd there are so many different fronts to address: sticking to appointment, self care, relating to others. We are surrounded by the dysfunction of someone with bpd. If you are able to focus on one thing at a time, and expect to move slowly, it might be helpful.

Sending thoughts . . . .