Month after Triangulation now charming started again just a early morning rant

[UnbalancedForce]

I keep saying healing is not linear. Right when I am almost there then bam. Was sent a triangulation update on FB from a monkey they are with their prior ex at time of discard till current. I was actually relieved. Got three weeks of peace, the most in 7 months. Now charming is back. I don't even care why in my brain anymore but my body hasn't caught up yet. I just so love how it's indirect and sophisticated. The blocked number calls, random Dr.'s office asking for them when I never went there, myriad of burner accounts posing as my friends and weird symbols, the notifications of suggested friends as I am unblocked randomly. Makes me feel like I'm crazy and making it up. Like I'm trying to keep the bond going. Kind of feels like a dream that I haven't woke from yet. No one understands not even my T. I have held strong and stay NC but I feel so angry and like it will never end. Sometimes I feel like just giving in and going back so this stops. The Oxytocin and Dopamine makes me feel like an addict. I can't even get out there again because I know I will screw the next person up I'm with. I work out twice a day sometimes three. I'm meditating, journaling, doing all the work, blah blah blah. Then the OCD kicks in and I piece together the past instances that is was so clear. Like when I was sent trauma bond videos early on, all the soulmate videos, or how their ex wasn't there at their lowest times. Yah, I didn't watch them, how could I when I got 50 a day and my father was dying. Every thing they experienced they trying to do to me and it is all projected so I can feel their pain. My mind starts wandering again...Are they a narc? Why the heck can this person still get to me? This is what they want losing your SH$#, stay focused. I've read and watched so much I feel like I am becoming them. I don't know if I'm looking for validation or what. I just don't want to be up when it's this early in the morning and keep beating myself up for doing it. Thanks for the vent sesh. Any suggestions would be appreciated. One of my friends told me to move. I will not let them win. I know I have issues and I'm working through them to still be stuck in this cycle. I know I am better than last week, last month, and will be better tomorrow. But I want to live in the moment right now and that is just still so hard.     

[capecodling]

Well I see a lot of things that are actually going well here:

1) You felt relief she is with someone else - that shows definite progression, from grief / anger more into acceptance.  I remember getting to that point with a BPDex where I was relieved as in “thank god, she is someone else’s problem” this shows a decent amount of acceptance that it could never work between you and her.

2) The 3 weeks of peace you got — I think you are referring to those times where space opens up, you feel like your old self, you notice you haven’t been ruminating, except for maybe a random thought here and there, but nothing too emotionally charged.  This is absolutely 1000% a sign of healing.  The longest gaps I’ve gotten so far are several hours, but they seem to come *most* days, I am currently 2 months out.  You are 7 months out now?  Having a large multi-week gap of peace is amazing.  Remember progress is not always in a straight line.

It seems like charming is the thing which has gotten under your skin.  I know exactly what you are talking about.  On one level it can be vindicating to get the charming again (it provides more evidence she is BPD, its a reminder of the early love bombing, it feels good) but for me it was always accompanied by a lot of anxiety and racing thoughts: should I respond, could it work, what did this mean, what did that mean?  When the charming starts, especially if you engage with her, you always long for being able to go back to NC because at least during NC — even if its painful — you feel like some healing is happening albeit slowly at times.

One of the best tools I’ve found for managing the ruminations, and general pain of a BPD breakup is getting the audio books “A New Earth” and “Practicing the Power of Now” by Eckhart Tolle and then put aside at least an hour per day to listen to those, preferably while walking outdoors while you practice those presence and mindfulness techniques EVERY DAY, it is the single most powerful healing tool, especially for the type of damage that has been inflicted on many of us.  You mentioned being a meditator, practicing presence and mindfulness brings meditation into all aspects of your daily life, I can’t think of a better gift you can give yourself.  The process of awakening in this way will also help you heal unintegrated trauma, which is likely the basis of the trauma bond we have formed with these BPD exes.

[Pook075]

The thing that's helped me the most (I'm almost 12 months out from separation) is realizing that my wife has been cruel, unstable, unloving, spiteful, or whatever word we want to insert here because she is sick.  

BPD is an illness, just like COVID, cancer, or a broken leg.  We wouldn't get mad because someone with a broken leg couldn't run very fast, so why get mad over someone who doesn't process thoughts logically?  They're literally sick and they're suffering from not getting treatment, so they take it out on the people they care about the most.

Maybe 6 months ago, I started thinking of my wife as a spoiled young child.  If I'm babysitting a niece/nephew and they say or do something dumb, how should I react?  Should I take it personally?  Of course not.  So when my wife does something to upset me, I'll start to react and then think, "She's just a dumb kid that doesn't know any better, who cares what she thinks."

Is that crude?  Sure.  But that's the line of thinking that freed me from her abuse.  I don't react anymore and I really don't care what she says or does, and that has limited her attempts to manipulate me.  For the most part, she's now civil and kind when we speak because she no longer has any buttons to push within my mind.

[UnbalancedForce]

capecodling- Thanks for your kind words. It's amazing what a good nights sleep will do vs. the early stages of separation. Yah, the charming really gets me. I have never blocked anyone and I am in my mid 40's. I blocked everywhere today. I try to have sympathy but I have to take care of myself now. It is clearly triangulation and setting me up for a monkey branch. I have held NC since 1/28 and the point I said I might break it means I need better boundaries for the time being. I appreciate you making me realize that is what was holding me back. I usually listen to Mooji (he reminds me of my Nana However, I have listened to Tolle on youtube so I will get those books.


Pook075-I told my mother that today as she has been contacted by my ex too as we have known them since we were kids. It gave her some comfort. I really do hold sympathy but since I have no children with them I need my space for the time being. I will keep your words close to my chest and hopefully I can get there and get my mind like yours in due time.