Therapy not working- where next? Actually Destined to Fail

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi

Really trying to work out how I feel at the moment. I have been in this relationship for 18 years, I knew from the start that my partner had problems and he was diagnosed with both Bi-Polar and BPD a number of years ago. On the whole I have ridden the "roller-coaster" and although very difficult at times, on the whole have survived and reading these boards has helped a lot, if nothing else to know I am not alone!

He has had various therapy interventions but they always end as soon as the therapist hits upon the childhood trauma he experienced. Last week, at the therapist's suggestion we had a joint session. To me it felt quite useful and I thought she delicately but clearly bought up the reality that he could learn better distress tolerance and ability to develop better mechanisms for coping with his emotional reactions through working through the trauma from his past.

He became very quiet after the session but two days later went into "borderline rage" - something I have not seen for a while - he was so aggressive and threatening that I had to call the Police to calm things down. He has since completely withdrawn and locked himself in his room for the past 4 days although he texted me earlier to say he wanted to be alone and have nothing to do with me.

In some ways that gives me a bit of peace although I am obviously concerned for his welfare as he has now not eaten anything since.

Now here is my conundrum, after all he is an adult, - there is food in the house so he can eat if he wants whilst I am out at work - should I be concerned?

At the moment he wants to ignore me - usually after a few days he comes around and apologises - I really don't feel that I should break the silence even though it makes me feel uneasy, maybe even a little depressed, even guilty although I really don't know why?

Perhaps more fundamentally after listening to his therapist I am slowly realising that he simply cannot get well, that facing the trauma from his past is just not something he will ever deal with and is thus condemned by this illness to keep re-living it, thus destroying his present and future whilst (albeit perhaps unintentionally?) playing on my love and concern for him which is affecting my mental health.

For sure I can clearly see the bottomless pit of need that I, nor I suspect anyone, can fill as it derives from his childhood and I am convinced that only therapy will help him. Without that I am increasingly thinking that I am being harmed by this relationship and am struggling to make a decision on what I should do next.

Ortac77

[ortac77]

Hi

Really trying to work out how I feel at the moment. I have been in this relationship for 18 years, I knew from the start that my partner had problems and he was diagnosed with both Bi-Polar and BPD a number of years ago. On the whole I have ridden the "roller-coaster" and although very difficult at times, on the whole have survived and reading these boards has helped a lot, if nothing else to know I am not alone!

He has had various therapy interventions but they always end as soon as the therapist hits upon the childhood trauma he experienced. Last week, at the therapist's suggestion we had a joint session. To me it felt quite useful and I thought she delicately but clearly bought up the reality that he could learn better distress tolerance and ability to develop better mechanisms for coping with his emotional reactions through working through the trauma from his past.

He became very quiet after the session but two days later went into "borderline rage" - something I have not seen for a while - he was so aggressive and threatening that I had to call the Police to calm things down. He has since completely withdrawn and locked himself in his room for the past 4 days although he texted me earlier to say he wanted to be alone and have nothing to do with me.

In some ways that gives me a bit of peace although I am obviously concerned for his welfare as he has now not eaten anything since.

Now here is my conundrum, after all he is an adult, - there is food in the house so he can eat if he wants whilst I am out at work - should I be concerned?

At the moment he wants to ignore me - usually after a few days he comes around and apologises - I really don't feel that I should break the silence even though it makes me feel uneasy, maybe even a little depressed, even guilty although I really don't know why?

Perhaps more fundamentally after listening to his therapist I am slowly realising that he simply cannot get well, that facing the trauma from his past is just not something he will ever deal with and is thus condemned by this illness to keep re-living it, thus destroying his present and future whilst (albeit perhaps unintentionally?) playing on my love and concern for him which is affecting my mental health.

For sure I can clearly see the bottomless pit of need that I, nor I suspect anyone, can fill as it derives from his childhood and I am convinced that only therapy will help him. Without that I am increasingly thinking that I am being harmed by this relationship and am struggling to make a decision on what I should do next.

Ortac77

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi, ortac,

I’m sure this is difficult for you to see your partner making choices that only harm him and your relationship. The answer seems so clear, and yet he isn’t willing to face what needs to be done.

Has he ever talked to you about the trauma he suffered as a child?

I can see that in this situation, it’s hard to know what to do. Yes, he is an adult and can choose to eat if he wants. However, it’s clear he is not in a good place mentally or emotionally.

Have you reached out to his counselor to tell her what he’s doing? Or a mental health crisis line for support?

Do you have your own therapist? If not, I would suggest getting one. A therapist would definitely be a great resource to have as you come to terms with your partner’s issues, choices, and prognosis, and what that means for you and your own life.

[ortac77]

Hi

I am aware of some of the issues from his childhood but it is mainly a 'no go' area. Rather than discuss it he periodically rages about his family - it is a subject that I find best avoided and better dealt with by a therapist in a safe environment.

I think the trigger for his behaviour at the moment has been his therapist wanting to address that trauma.

I have been in touch with her to tell her what is happening and also contacted his Doctor expressing my concern about his well being. Not sure there is much else I can do other than raise my concern with the professionals involved.

I am arranging some therapy myself, I am aware that I need support at the moment.

Thank you

Ortac

[ortac77]

Well I have taken what steps I can to involve his GP and advised the Mental Health Team - I can do little more as he has quite clearly split me 'black'. I can clearly see that there is nothing I can do about that and I am distancing myself for my own sanity!

At this stage I can do little more than hope he either gets/seeks help. I kind of realise that I have spent the last 5 days in the 'FOG'. That is clearing now but I am slowly moving to a realisation that things are unlikely to get better and that as I get older I don't want to ride the roller coaster anymore and however much I have sympathy with this terrible disorder that the words of the Serenity Prayer are so true.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Strength to change the things I can and the Wisdom to know the difference.

Ortac

[I Am Redeemed]

Well, it does sound like you have done all you can do, and you’re in a solid position of recognizing where the boundaries are between your responsibilities and his. You are also being honest with yourself about your own values and whether or not this relationship, as it stands, will align or contrast with what is best for you as you move forward.

That doesn’t make the sadness about the situation disappear, though. It certainly is disappointing, discouraging, and even heartbreaking to see someone you love live in a state of such anguish and despair, knowing that there is a path to healing but the person refuses to take it.

The tragedy of BPD (and other mental illnesses, as well) is that the people who suffer from it need close connection and support from others desperately, yet their behaviors push those people away until it becomes intolerable to continue te relationship.

I’m glad to hear you are seeking therapy for yourself. It does sound like the trigger for this latest episode was the therapist bringing up his childhood trauma. It seems that he is in a state of denial about the possibility of being able to recover without addressing the root causes. Certainly, facing childhood trauma is scary and painful. However, it seems as if he goes as far as becoming angry and hostile towards anyone who even mentions the idea of addressing the issue.

His feelings may be valid (fear, pain, anxiety, anger) but his response to those feelings is negatively impacting your mental health, and that is something that needs to be addressed. Having your own space to talk through these things with a therapist can give you an outlet to focus on your own values and wellbeing and look for solutions that can best help you, even as he refuses help for himself.

How are you feeling about this? What do you do with those feelings when they come up?

[ortac77]

Hi

Yes I think I can do little else and need to focus on my own feelings, I am of course very sad and that I think is natural. I am trying to focus on things that I enjoy but I think my strongest feeling at the moment is feeling 'unsupported' and that tends to make me want to withdraw and 'lick my wounds'. I also miss contact with my pwBPD, again probably quite natural to feel that way, although I am beginning to see that I was probably far to 'enmeshed' and had lost a lot of 'me' on the way!

This will pass and I am planning a few quiet days away next week as I have leave from work. I have also told friends and work colleagues that I am in a difficult place at the moment and need some space.

What I am doing with those feelings is listening to them whilst trying not to react to them. I do agree that therapy will help and I am trying to arrange something as soon as possible.

What I am trying not to do is 'overthink ahead' - I am aware of how potentially destructive it can be if/when these relationships finally end and I do not want to get into anxiety - I suffer from High Blood Pressure so it is important that I do not allow this to make matters worse - to that end I am seeing my own Doctor tomorrow.

Ortac

[Pook075]

Hi Ortac,

Your story rang true for me since I have an ex and a daughter that's bi-polar/BPD.  Not a fun combo.  What I learned is that there is a possibility of real healing...but that can't start until your spouse is ready for it.  For my kid, that took hitting her rock bottom and really going through some personal hell.  But once she was ready to change things, it happened in maybe 12-18 months doing the same thing that your spouse has done probably dozens of times.  The difference is the commitment to change.

Now, my kid's nowhere near perfect and this week was one of the worst of her life.  She melted down this morning and was about to go nuclear...but she called her dad (me) and said that she needed in-patient therapy.  I saw all the old hallmarks but at the same time, she trusted me to help her get to an in-patient facility and we talked it all through calmly.  She's napping on the couch now but we'll be leaving soon for her to get some real help.  Again, the difference is that she recognizes the need and actually wants help to get through this.

Anyway, I wish you luck and I hope that your spouse finds his rock bottom so real change can happen.  My kid is nowhere near "perfect" at 24 but at the same time, I see how incredibly far she's come since 22 and it's almost unbelievable.  It can happen- don't give up hope!

[Cat Familiar]

It seems you have two potentially healthy choices:
1. Radical Acceptance— continuing on as is, expecting no improvement, completely accepting him for who he is, understanding he will never change.

2. Choosing to live apart from him, and enjoying your life as a single person, perhaps being open to another relationship, should you find a healthy partner.

[ortac77]

Hi Cat

Indeed - I think 2 blunt choices are indeed in prospect, I do not think there is a 3rd way.

I have a few days away next week - a chance to reboot my thinking - neither choice is easy for me and I actually I do appreciate your putting it as succinctly - as continuing as things are is not healthy.

Ortac

[ForeverDad]

None of us desired the dysfunction in our relationships.  And surely none of us relished the difficult choices we were facing.  But face them we did, though of course educating ourselves and pondering first all the factors, positives versus negatives.  We did what we had to do... and are the better for it.

Ponder this too... even inaction is a choice, though not necessarily a good one.

[kells76]

I'll add a split-off option from Cat Familiar's #1:

You both have separate living arrangements, but stay in the relationship. It's not what many people would want in a committed relationship ("your house and my house"), but relationships with pwBPD aren't typical relationships. Maybe having the space would make things "good enough" to continue -- only you know that for sure.