Telling me "Will You Take Care Of Me?"

[jaded7]

My ex said these words, while crying, early on in our relationship. I wasn't really sure what this was about, but of course I wanted to take care of her, and I said so.

My therapist, after it all blew up, said that was a gigantic red flag. And since, in all my reading and video watching, I have seen it repeated many times that bpd people want someone to take care of them, it's a hallmark of the personality disorder. Taking care meaning something beyond being a good partner and friend, something I really never understood. It manifested in toxic ways pretty quickly, mostly in the form of mind reading expectations- I was supposed to know what she wanted/needed in various scenarios without her telling me, and I was yelled at and put down, shamed and given the silent treatment (ignoring calls, texts) when I had failed to know what she wanted. This repeated many times. I even took to explaining to her what mind reading expectation was, and told her to simply tell me what she needed- I would be more than happy to do whatever she needed. It's as if she went to great lengths to NOT tell me what she needed in order to then be able to be angry at me when I didn't do it spontaneously.

There's a thread on the conflicted board about NPD and BPD that has some nice academic material about the similarities and differences, and one of the academic writers points out that bpd people need someone to fully take care of them. But, apparently, don't want to express their needs...maybe because that then opens up the possibility of being rejected?

This 'take care of me' characteristic seems to be very common in bpd, anybody else experience this?

[Tangled mangled]

My ex said these words, while crying, early on in our relationship. I wasn't really sure what this was about, but of course I wanted to take care of her, and I said so.

My therapist, after it all blew up, said that was a gigantic red flag. And since, in all my reading and video watching, I have seen it repeated many times that bpd people want someone to take care of them, it's a hallmark of the personality disorder. Taking care meaning something beyond being a good partner and friend, something I really never understood. It manifested in toxic ways pretty quickly, mostly in the form of mind reading expectations- I was supposed to know what she wanted/needed in various scenarios without her telling me, and I was yelled at and put down, shamed and given the silent treatment (ignoring calls, texts) when I had failed to know what she wanted. This repeated many times. I even took to explaining to her what mind reading expectation was, and told her to simply tell me what she needed- I would be more than happy to do whatever she needed. It's as if she went to great lengths to NOT tell me what she needed in order to then be able to be angry at me when I didn't do it spontaneously.

There's a thread on the conflicted board about NPD and BPD that has some nice academic material about the similarities and differences, and one of the academic writers points out that bpd people need someone to fully take care of them. But, apparently, don't want to express their needs...maybe because that then opens up the possibility of being rejected?

This 'take care of me' characteristic seems to be very common in bpd, anybody else experience this?

Totally.
I married a male bpd/narc/ psychopath: that was not prepared to do any aspect of life.
Funny enough, he could work 7 days a week, all weeks of the year, just to avoid doing life- eg parent the children he made to trap me.
I felt like his mother from the outset- he used to scold me for not staying up late to wait for his return from work.
I feel like he split our first child black when he was born as he deemed the new born was taking his place and towards the end of my first pregnancy he said, I just want to let you know that if anything happens during the birth of the baby and I have to choose between you and the baby, I will choose you, as it’s you I care about.
Well my labour failed to progress as I was being emotionally abused through out the entire 48 hours- he spent that time telling my mum (ubpd) how horrible a person I was and was on the phone with his mum ( I had requested that he keeps his family away from my labour as they were equally toxic).

Towards the end of our relationship, I noticed some regression- he started behaving like my 8 year old son ( at this point I didn’t feel like living anymore) it was totally devastating to witness.
Mind you I was raised to be a parent to my mum- this hurts the most as I have always felt like an pseudo orphan .

All the bpds I have known often make similar comments about taking care of them
My mum: I treat you and respect you like you are my mother ( 14 yr old me: where’s my own mother)
My ex : You have fixed me, you are all I have.
These are some variations to take care of me

[SurvivalGuy]

I totally relate. I felt like I was taking care of a child.

[Augustine]

Oh, who could forget the mind reading game, when they just arbitrarily get angry, because you were supposed to have a cordless mental connection to their brains.  

Yes, very infantile.  Mine didn’t want to work, because it was taking up too much of her time(?). This from someone well-educated working remotely from a university.  She always talked about killing herself because of her high-paying job that was taking up too much of her gardening time…in a garden that she spent no more than an hour/year working in.  Guess who was actually doing all the gardening, and who was doing all the tv watching in their free time?

…and the complaining.  It was like her life was dependent on it.
…and the paranoia. Everyone (even strangers)had nothing better to do with their time than nurture a secret malice towards her.

You don’t have a level-headed discussion about personal issues that are bothering you; out of nowhere, you rage at your  partner that he’s a snowflake mamma’s boy, and a lazy c—t.  

Oh, and if you stand-up for yourself when they’re verbally abusive, then you’re guilty of domestic violence.

I took care of mine, 24-hours a day, like she wasn’t able bodied. For the life of me, I don’t know why.  

…

Oh, the sheer horror of it all overwhelms me, as I never got a break from that nightmare.

So damned overjoyed to have gotten out when I did, and laughing at the fact that the laziest woman on the planet is probably continuously raging over the fact that she now has to be 100% responsible for herself.

That thought puts a smile on my face.

[Augustine]

Totally.
I married a male bpd/narc/ psychopath: that was not prepared to do any aspect of life.
Funny enough, he could work 7 days a week, all weeks of the year, just to avoid doing life- eg parent the children he made to trap me.
I felt like his mother from the outset- he used to scold me for not staying up late to wait for his return from work.
I feel like he split our first child black when he was born as he deemed the new born was taking his place and towards the end of my first pregnancy he said, I just want to let you know that if anything happens during the birth of the baby and I have to choose between you and the baby, I will choose you, as it’s you I care about.
Well my labour failed to progress as I was being emotionally abused through out the entire 48 hours- he spent that time telling my mum (ubpd) how horrible a person I was and was on the phone with his mum ( I had requested that he keeps his family away from my labour as they were equally toxic).

Towards the end of our relationship, I noticed some regression- he started behaving like my 8 year old son ( at this point I didn’t feel like living anymore) it was totally devastating to witness.
Mind you I was raised to be a parent to my mum- this hurts the most as I have always felt like an pseudo orphan .

All the bpds I have known often make similar comments about taking care of them
My mum: I treat you and respect you like you are my mother ( 14 yr old me: where’s my own mother)
My ex : You have fixed me, you are all I have.
These are some variations to take care of me

Honest to God, I’m so, so thankful that you’re not in that hell anymore.

[Pook075]

Shortly after we broke up, my wife made a comment, "You never do anything to show you care.  I mean, you spoil me everyday, but that's just money."

I stopped trying to make sense of it.

[Turkish]

Shortly after we broke up, my wife made a comment, "You never do anything to show you care.  I mean, you spoil me everyday, but that's just money."

I stopped trying to make sense of it.

Wow.

I experienced a similar theme: "I need someone to lead me and guide me." "In that, you failed." And I also lacked character for... reasons. She left me for a young guy with narcissistic tendencies 20 years my junior and 10 hers. She bought into his smooth talk, but I can't fault him too, much, only 21 at the time. She turned on him when he failed as a Provider (what was she thinking?), though she never faulted me for being a Provider... just all the other things.

One of my buddies told me his first impression of her when they met when we were friend-dating: "she thinks she knows more than she does." That's accurate to this day. How can you lead and guide someone who thinks they know everything? That isn't an adult and mature relationship anyway. That is on me for seeing it, but still continuing.

[I Am Redeemed]

Mine used to get jealous because I would lay out the kids’ clothing to save time in the morning. He wanted me to lay out his clothes, too.. even though he wore the exact same kind of uniform every single day, and I was already the one who washed them and put them up.

Once, he told me that if he had the emotional maturity of a child, then that meant I was responsible to take care of him, because I wouldn’t throw a child out into the world alone.

As for the mind reading, I think it’s part of magical thinking and enmeshment. They don’t just want you to do stuff for them, they want you to be so in tune with them that you can anticipate their wants and needs.

[Turkish]

Magical thinking has been discussed here... "if only I meet The One, I'll be happy." There was one before me (I wasn't, but in a way maybe "mature guy who will provide stability") and one after which crashed and burned spectacularly and predictably. What bothers me is that the kids never want to marry or have kids, especially D11 because of what their mother tells them. It makes me sad.

[Tangled mangled]

Honest to God, I’m so, so thankful that you’re not in that hell anymore.

Thank you

I’m sure you have been through some horrible experiences too. When I remember the hell I have walked through, sometimes I burst out in laughter and just dance

[Tangled mangled]

Mine used to get jealous because I would lay out the kids’ clothing to save time in the morning. He wanted me to lay out his clothes, too.. even though he wore the exact same kind of uniform every single day, and I was already the one who washed them and put them up.

Once, he told me that if he had the emotional maturity of a child, then that meant I was responsible to take care of him, because I wouldn’t throw a child out into the world alone.

As for the mind reading, I think it’s part of magical thinking and enmeshment. They don’t just want you to do stuff for them, they want you to be so in tune with them that you can anticipate their wants and needs.

My ex’s mum treated him like a child so he sort of expected me to do thesame.
They get very jealous of the children, it’s scary