I am hopeless at this point

[Mindfalter]

Having a daughter with BPD is extremely difficult/painful and my heart goes out to those families that have to deal with a family member who has it. I have not seen my daughter since the day she was married and have never seen my grandson. I love her but am at the point that I have to back off and let her come to me if or when she ever does. She is argumentative, negative and ungrateful. The Phycologist told me not to give her anything if she does not even acknowledge what you do for her or what you give her, don't give her anything but continue to send your grandson acknowledgements.   She also suggested writing a note asking her how she thinks caring for her looks like since she says we don't care. Mind you we paid for her wedding and she said we did not she said that she used the money for something else (this is part of the BPD). Have not gotten a response from the letter but phycologist said it might make her think. I am hopeless at this point and really don't expect to ever hear from her or see her again unless she gets help. My husband and I think of her everyday!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[AcheyMom]

My heart goes out to you.  My daughter cuts us out of her life until she needs us for something.  Which inevitably happens when everything falls apart.  She cannot maintain serious relationships for long as she is too unstable.  It was a relief last time she cut us out, and I honestly thought I was done for good.  It was peaceful for the first time I could remember in probably 20 years (daughter is 33).  She’s treated us horribly over the years and we’ve always been there to help and support her.  We’ve probably done TOO much for her.  The thing is, it’s painful not hearing from her.  You cannot go one day without thinking of your child.  I think it may be literally impossible for a parent to do. This is definitely not what we pictured when they were children, is it?  You say your daughter is married.  So you know she is safe?  Is her husband a decent man? I tend to worry less when mine is in a relationship.

[Mindfalter]

Yes, I feel my daughter is safe. I am not sure if her husband has noticed her BPD. I think to him she comes off demanding and authoritarian. We do not have a repour with him and I think he believes everything she tells him. I also think my grandson (who I never met) is safe too because I think her husband takes care of him most of the time. A big problem is we don't live in the same city she does and I don't think distance helps. Its strange but she does know that there is something wrong with her but blames everyone else. Yes, I too think of her everyday! I first noticed something off about her when she was a baby! She did not cry very much and then I saw things as she grew up. It's does not always come with a trauma sometimes they are just born that way! I don't blame myself I feel more upset for her!

[AcheyMom]

In my daughter's case I feel it is genetic as well.  I left her emotionally abusive father when she was 6 months old.  I didn't want her growing up around a man like him.  He was wildly jealous, didn't let me go out without him and threatened to kill me if I left him.  He got scary fast.  So in my mind, I prevented trauma by leaving him quickly.  He never harmed her, just mentally tormented me.  Unless leaving her father was still a trauma because she somehow missed him?  I don't know but now when she is in a rage acting abusive toward me she reminds me of him.  I didn't notice anything wrong with her until she hit puberty and started acting out.  I was a little rebellious as a teenager so I thought it was normal.  But as time went on, she got worse and worse and didn't grow out of the teen stage.  She also abused drugs so I thought maybe the drugs were the issue.  She wasn't diagnosed until her 20s.  Also diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.  In any case, they can't seem to take responsibility for their actions when they have BPD so I see little chance of her changing.  She has all these grievances against us and makes nasty remarks all the time.  Has ruined many holidays and celebrations.  Nobody really wants her around anymore which saddens me.  At the same time I am tired of walking on eggshells.  I have such anxiety all the time.  I am exhausted and getting too old for this. I feel like I am ready to let go but she reels us back in with her crisis situations.  I sometimes wonder if she creates crisis on purpose.  She lies to us and gaslights us all the time.  It's crazy making.  Is that what you experience? It gets more complicated when grandchildren are involved, I know.  We have stayed involved partly to see our grandson.  They tend to weaponize grandchildren as I have read it a few times on here.  I am sorry you are struggling with this.  If she doesn't want to be in contact I suppose you have to respect her wishes?