BPD 25 year old son has quit yet another job

[Brokenn]

Another Monday in a string of many after my bpdson has quit yet another job by blocking all coworkers and just not showing up for work. This is her third job this year and there were 3 months of no work. I think after spending the night reading again (he called me drunk at 3:30 am to let me know he was quitting) I understand more about him and his disorder. He simply cannot go through the mundane tasks of getting up and going to work and coming home. He not only tires of the routine but also gets bored with it and tired of forcing himself to appear “normal” day after day. This time is particularly sad because we drove as a family to see my elderly parents, who he loves dearly, and had such a remarkable day with them. He was fun, talked about how he liked his job, how he was going to start saving his money and taking his dog to the park, and really just seemed like he was doing better . I suppose the “normalcy” was just too much for him to live up to and he was obviously just saying what he knew everyone wanted to hear. When I talked to him this morning, once again , I told him that he really needed to see someone and get some help for the feelings he is having and that he would feel better . I believe that even a small dose antidepressant would help him at this point because I do not think he will ever seek out or attend DBT. Anyway, I have read several of the posts on this website just by googling all of my questions and decided to put my horror story into words. So as of today he just signed another year lease, has no job, has a drinking problem (when he is having an episode) and smokes weed every day. My husband and I are broken and I understand BPD so much more because I constantly read about it every single day . There is no way we can ever let him move home because he is so abusive and hateful and makes everything chaotic . We are living a nightmare. I almost feel relieved that he quit his job because I live in constant fear that he will so now he has .

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Brokenn
I agree that even a mild antidepressant might be helpful. I can really identify with what you are going through. My dd would start something with enthusiasm - a hyper really - and I could tell that she was trying to hold herself in. I think the effort of trying not to react badly to every trigger is just too much for some people with bpd - it was with my dd. In order to cope dd turned to mainly weed and other substances - sometimes alcohol.

But these substances don't help lift the bar at which the triggers occur - whereas I could see that an antidepressant did this. When dd used/uses them she is much less likely to be triggered by small things - what someone says, the pressure of the job (even when it is a low pressure one, just the pressure of having to perform at all). But then dd would go on and off them and I sort of gave up trying to keep her on them.

I also really agree with this statement you made:

I almost feel relieved that he quit his job because I live in constant fear that he will so now he has .

It is a constant stress trying to keep someone with BPD on a 'normal' pathway. Deep down we know that they may not be able to function in the normal way.

Another thing that really stresses me is appointments of any kind. DD would ask me to make an appointment for her to see someone eg doctor, vision check etc and I knew deep down that she probably wouldn't keep it. So day after day as it came closer to appointment time I would be stressed out, wondering do I remind her (and risk making her angry) or just let it go and see what she did. I used to turn myself inside out over these things - I still do, but often now when dd asks me to make an appointment I just don't do it (she can't make phone calls - I think she is dyslexic and she gets stressed when she has to talk on the phone because she might not quickly understand or follow the conversation.

It really is a nightmare. Not being able to keep the job of course has such a significant consequence: how is he going to be able to pay for rent etc, do we help him with rent so we at least have our own space etc etc.

As you can see I don't really have any answers or suggestions. I just wanted you to know that I really do understand the pain and exhaustion that is part of journeying with a bpd child.

Just thinking of you . . . 

[Rev]

Another Monday in a string of many after my bpdson has quit yet another job by blocking all coworkers and just not showing up for work. This is her third job this year and there were 3 months of no work. I think after spending the night reading again (he called me drunk at 3:30 am to let me know he was quitting) I understand more about him and his disorder. He simply cannot go through the mundane tasks of getting up and going to work and coming home. He not only tires of the routine but also gets bored with it and tired of forcing himself to appear “normal” day after day. This time is particularly sad because we drove as a family to see my elderly parents, who he loves dearly, and had such a remarkable day with them. He was fun, talked about how he liked his job, how he was going to start saving his money and taking his dog to the park, and really just seemed like he was doing better . I suppose the “normalcy” was just too much for him to live up to and he was obviously just saying what he knew everyone wanted to hear. When I talked to him this morning, once again , I told him that he really needed to see someone and get some help for the feelings he is having and that he would feel better . I believe that even a small dose antidepressant would help him at this point because I do not think he will ever seek out or attend DBT. Anyway, I have read several of the posts on this website just by googling all of my questions and decided to put my horror story into words. So as of today he just signed another year lease, has no job, has a drinking problem (when he is having an episode) and smokes weed every day. My husband and I are broken and I understand BPD so much more because I constantly read about it every single day . There is no way we can ever let him move home because he is so abusive and hateful and makes everything chaotic . We are living a nightmare. I almost feel relieved that he quit his job because I live in constant fear that he will so now he has .

Good morning Brokenn...

And welcome. I have a daughter who is bi-polar - similar symptoms but different cause. Won't stay on her meds. I am really sorry for the pain your son is putting you through.

I hope coming here eases the suffering this can cause. I know that I have my good days and my bad days. On the bad ones now, I am just conscious that it will eventually pass. It sounds like right now you are carrying a lot.  We are most certainly here to listen.

Hang in there. Reach out any time.

Rev