A support thread for those of us who have decided to go no/minimal contact

[Parents! Get help here!]

Once again, as soon as I start thinking about what will have to change for me to consider having interaction with my bpdd, the poop hit the fan.

Yesterday I had 3 frantic voice messages and emails from my 95 year old mother. She apologized... didn't want to triangulate but was very worried by recent messages from her granddaughter.. talking about being engaged, then about quitting her job, being along, being fine... all over the map. I did my best to reassure. An hour later, I heard from my CLh that a few hours earlier, MY daughter had driven to HIS daughter's home and hurled 2 dozen eggs at the house and cars in the driveway. Thankfully the kids were at school, but husband was home and treated to screaming threats and accusations - blaming them for her financial woes and other crazy stuff. Police were not involved, but there were a lot of bystanders. Apparently it took a while for her to leave. 

Obviously I won't be alarming my mother with this news and no, I won't be interested in reconnecting any time soon.
 
 

[Tulipps]

Once again, as soon as I start thinking about what will have to change for me to consider having interaction with my bpdd, the poop hit the fan.

Yesterday I had 3 frantic voice messages and emails from my 95 year old mother. She apologized... didn't want to triangulate but was very worried by recent messages from her granddaughter.. talking about being engaged, then about quitting her job, being along, being fine... all over the map. I did my best to reassure. An hour later, I heard from my CLh that a few hours earlier, MY daughter had driven to HIS daughter's home and hurled 2 dozen eggs at the house and cars in the driveway. Thankfully the kids were at school, but husband was home and treated to screaming threats and accusations - blaming them for her financial woes and other crazy stuff. Police were not involved, but there were a lot of bystanders. Apparently it took a while for her to leave. 

Obviously I won't be alarming my mother with this news and no, I won't be interested in reconnecting any time soon.
 
 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Leaf56]

Hey Tulipps, Geez. WTH? Eggs? Did they call the cops? I would have. That's absurd.

[Tulipps]

Leaf -
No police were called - this time, but they are considering a restraining order. She can be very aggressive but I'm not aware of her doing anything like this previously.
 
 

[Leaf56]

I would have called the cops. But that's just me. During the time my son was saying things about hurting people and declining to say whether I'd be safe in his presence, I considered getting a restraining order for me and the rest of my family that lives with me. I'm not sure if that's even possible or how it works though. I told him once that his words had alarmed me enough that I was considering doing that, and he started inexplicably saying that HE should get a restraining order, which made no sense since I was refusing to see him or even talk to him except through the therapist at the time. Anyway, I personally don't consider it much of a leap from throwing eggs to physical assault, so I hope your CLH's daughter and family stay safe.

I called my son on Monday. We had a pleasant enough conversation. He didn't say anything crazy about aliens or the Catholic Church, etc. He keeps saying he really wants to see me. He talks in a baby voice when he says these things. I just don't know and am so conflicted. But then the conversation ended with him asking about paying his student loans, so it's probably just that he holds out hope I'll go back to financing his existence.

[Manifest32f]

Hi all: I greatly appreciate you all thinking about starting this support group for those of us who are estranged, looking at options and planning our future with little to minimal contact with our adult children just so we live a little healthier and at peace with our lives. It has been one long rough journey lasting more than 20 years for my husband and I with my adult daughter (46), udBPD who luckily is employed and managing herself but is overwhelmingly demanding and abusive towards us. I am really grateful for all your support and this thread for your nonjudgmental response to all the difficult questions. Thanks everyone

[Leaf56]

Awww, manifest, thanks so much for reaching out. Just that small gesture helps me and everyone else in the same boat so much. We all know that even just thinking about cutting ties can drive a parent to the point of madness and that when we're at the point of thinking about it it's because the alternative of staying involved is that much worse.

[Leaf56]

Some thoughts for today: Saying I love you and support you no matter what to your child is not always desirable. There are circumstances, where, for example, one's child is threatening to harm or kill family members and others, to rape people, to join a neo-Nazi movement and murder homeless people and minorities, etc., such a declaration would be counter-productive. To the folks on this thread, please don't feel guilty if you can't say or feel this. Everyone's situation is different.

Also, I know it can hurt to read claims that letting your child make mistakes and grow from them will lead to them being ready to get the help they need when it's been 40 years and your child is a drug-addicted prostitute. Again, everyone's journey through this is different. It can be debilitating to live with false hope.

[muffinsl]

I would like to be on this thread. 22 year old Daughter is Borderline and abusive. She has manipulated and stole so much money from us. We called the police last week for the first time to have her removed from our house. We financially  support her in college with apartment etc. She has more than enough and never is satisfied. I am in the process of cancelling all my credit cards as she somehow keeps getting access and spending. She is verbally abusive manipulative  and erratic. She threatens to become a prostitute all the time for money. It’s so distressing.  I have never posted before but I would love to have  a sounding board for this as I think for my own sanity we need to cut her off. I know I have enabled her for years.

[Leaf56]

Muffins! Love the name. My son is constantly threatening to “go into porn.” I’m like “go ahead!” I don’t care. If it meant that he was getting a paycheck, then fine! It’s so ridiculous. They are ridiculous! They’ve converted their threatening tantrums to adult things, that’s all. Instead of “I’ll hold my breath until you give me what I want” now it’s “I’ll become a drug addict unless you give me what I want”!

[muffinsl]

Thank you for your response! The situation with her is out of control and I am letting myself get sick from it. I appreciate your advice. Can you let me know a brief description of your situation to or point me to it.  How did  got to this point where you are so well adjusted? Not sure how these boards and messaging work so bear with me. I have a therapist. I sent my daughter 2 therapist names this morning. She is of course resistant and will probably not call them.
I am not totally to the point of 100% cut off and do not even know how to make that happen. She lives in an apartment we cosigned for and drives one of our cars. She has 2 dogs that I love but am going to have to just let that go and hope they survive it all.

Not sure how these boards and messaging work so bear with me.
Thank you

[Tulipps]

My heart goes out to everyone posting here. Muffins and Manifest - very sorry to hear what you're enduring. I can relate 100%... afraid to answer the phone, listen to messages. Unable to escape birage of texts. Endless threats of suicide or prostitution, demands for money.
It took me many years and plenty of counseling to extricate myself from the abuse and financial strain. Joint leases (condo and car), shared phone plan, internet... it was a nightmare. You can read my previous posts for more details. 
Although I have accepted the reality on an intellectual level, it is not easy. Keeping my focus on positive things is helpful.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Leaf56]

Hi again muffins (still loving the name!),
Brief description of my situation: My son is 27, dropped out in final semester of his master's program, smokes weed daily and lives at his dad's rooming house rent-free. He hasn't worked in 2 years and before that was doing barista jobs here and there. I've seen him once in 2 years (my choice), and I stopped supporting him in any way financially 2 years ago. We talk on the phone occasionally, but only if he's completely respectful. Being mean to me and talk of suicide or other crazy stuff results in the immediate termination of the call. Recently we've had three phone conversations in a row that have been positive. He says how much he loves me and misses me and why can't I just forgive him to which I respond that it's not a matter of forgiveness but a matter of trust and consistency. I reminded him on the most recent call that it was only three months ago that he was directing anger at me in a phone call and threatening to kill himself so I'd had to hang up and block him again. I said that in order to have a relationship with me he has to have a significant stretch of time without one of these episodes. We've been through this exact thing before though, so I don't hold out hope anymore, but I DO give him a chance. Before I enacted the policies I now follow, I also was making myself completely sick. Now I'm much healthier. Nevertheless, the situation wears on me daily.
I don't know that I have any great advice to give anyone, but I do have support, and I can tell you that I won't judge you for whatever decisions or actions you take. Feel free to ask whatever you want, and welcome.

[muffinsl]

Thank you so much for sharing your story . My first dogs name was Muffin . I just typed a paragraph about last night and it disappeared… this is our first big stance against her. I am terrified of the escalation that will come. I took a prescribed medication from my dr last night for the first time. It helped reduce that terror so I am grateful. I am so grateful for you all already. This is going to be hard. Going to go out and enjoy the good day.

[muffinsl]

Hi there, I am wondering if I can get some advice. My daughter is a master at financial manipulation. She can steal money in very creative ways. In the past she has had access to our credit cards to put on aps etc that we approved (no more!) It seems you can not just change the numbers on the credit cards to stop this (we did this) . I may need to close all my accounts totally and start new ones. I have them locked and it is still doing this for Uber. I think she is selling rides for money.
We are really closing down our support here  of her but would like her to eat. Have you all had effective ways to give them the bare minimum without being scammed?
Headed to the bank to shut it all down which means we are shut down till we open new accounts.
She came home for one day this past weekend. I was in utter terror as I would not know how she would act. We had called the police on her the week before to leave the house. We had a decent conversation with my husband about the situation etc. 
She agreed to a plan but not one hour later there was a tirade on texts about getting money to uber etc. She said she crashed the car etc. When we spoke. No car crash. I know you all have been there but I am always so surprised how fast they can change.  I am in almost constant anxiety right now. Have started to block her for most of the day. I give her one contact a day then block her.  I will get there I hope...

[Leaf56]

Hi muffins,
That sucks that shutting down the card numbers hasn't worked, but if the only way to do it is to close the accounts and open new ones I'd do it too just for the peace of mind. I can't tell you what an immense relief it was when I no longer had a single financial or other institutional tie to my son. The last one was when he aged out of our health insurance last fall. I finally felt like I could start afresh with him. Up until that time, when I felt guilty about the food thing, I'd either buy him groceries and take them over to him or give him a gift card for something he could walk to like Dunkin (he never got a driver's license), but at this point I haven't given him anything at all or paid for anything in 2 years. What I said to him was that my relationship with him could no longer have any transactional aspects, ie if you do this I'll give you this. That had to go away entirely for me to even be able to think about the situation at all.

I also did the thing where he could have one contact per day/week for a while. But the rage texting was uncontrollable so I've had him blocked from texting for 2 years. I'm not even sure how that worked out, but he cannot text me, even if I unblock him for phone calls. Right now things have been ok so he can call me, but if/when there's another outburst, I'll block him again.

I'm also amazed by the swiftness of the transitions from normal to rage. I've stopped analyzing any of it though. That was another thing I learned. It doesn't matter why or what, all that matters are your boundaries, what you will accept and what you won't. I won't accept ANY nonsense. I'd like to say that that's why things are improving—that my steadfast resolve on this front for 2 years is what's causing the tide to turn. But I've had that hope before and I really have no idea if it's the case. Only time will tell. But one thing I know for sure. I will NEVER have a financial tie to him again and I will NEVER allow any nonsense, point blank. If that leads to him changing and us having a relationship again, then that's what it leads to. But it's no longer my goal even, it's just my line in the sand.

[Leaf56]

Aaaand we're back! Just when I was thinking to myself that I should plan an in-person meeting with him since things had been going so well with our phone calls for the past couple months, he just called and went all crazy again. It was a slow build over the course of a half hour then ended with him saying he'll kill himself. Oh well.

[Tulipps]

Leaf -
Sorry to hear how the conversation ended. 
 

[Leaf56]

Thanks, Tulipps, your support means a great deal to me.

[Leaf56]

Was just reading through the thread and was wondering how everyone is doing. Shout out to tulipps, acheymom, kitkat, manifest, flossy, rottiemom, stepmothering, muffins and anyone else who's chosen to go minimal/no contact with their adult child.

As for me, I'm feeling that internal pressure today to call my son. It builds up like this every couple of weeks. I come here instead to keep myself from calling. It's like drinking a Diet Coke instead of eating a bunch of carbs.

[BonnieW]

Hi everyone.  I'm happy and sad to find this thread.  Happy to find that other parents are in the similar situation of having no/minimal contact.  Sad because it is a very unfortunate choice for a parent to make. 
This choice, for me, came from a place of self-preservation.  I have battled with my daughter's disease for so long, that it was completely wearing me down and causing panic attacks for me as well as depression and exhaustion. 
I chose to get off the roller coaster in February/23.  The mixed emotions of guilt, hurt and relief are somewhat wearing as well, but I'm working on it with my therapist.
Is anyone else having success with personal therapy after going no contact with their child?
I wish you all a relaxing and comfortable Sunday.

Namaste

[Leaf56]

Hi Bonnie, thanks for posting. I did speak with a therapist over the course of a year or so, which I guess was about a year and a half ago now, who helped me make the decision. I've talked to that therapist twice this year when I've felt very bad about things, but mostly I just come here and read and that gives me the fuel to stay strong and not waver. It's very, very hard, much harder than continuing to help him, but I know it's best for both him and me. And I know that if anything is to ever change, which I realize it probably won't, this is the only way to ever get to that point because he would have to do it on his own for it to work.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Clarity2023]

This is a great thread. There is simply not enough support for parents...and the problem seems to be getting more prevalent from what I am hearing and reading.
I feel so different from other parents - at the worst moments of this journey - I just isolate and sink into a depression. There are not words that a parent who isn't familiar with these afflictions can understand. And then I end up just idealizing everyone else's relationships with their kids.

It says something that so much attention, in general, is given to romantic relationships, but not the parent/child relationships that are an outgrowth of them.
I am new - but I am here if anyone ever needs an ear.

[Leaf56]

Hi Clarity, thanks for posting on the thread. I created it because getting to the stage of no or minimal contact with a child by choice is one of the hardest things a human being will ever face mentally, and I felt there needed to be a separate place for it like there is on the romantic boards of this site. I mean, it's obviously way harder than going no contact with a romantic partner. It's not even in the same stratosphere. So we have our little thread.

I'm not sure whether there truly are more children behaving this way or if this issue is just getting more attention because we, the know-it-all generation of parents, is now the one experiencing it with our own children. (I mean let's face it—there never before was a generation of parents more armed with parenting know-how than ours. I should know. I was a parenting magazine and book editor for most of my career! I was out there blasting it out to millions of hungry readers who did not want to eff up their kids like their parents had done to them.) But in reality, when I look back anecdotally at the world around me when I was young, my sister did a lot of this behavior up into her 40s and then it seemed to dissipate. She herself says that she "got sick of herself." But she was always very high functioning professionally so while it's been unpleasant for my mother and others in her life, no one had to worry that she was homeless, or a drug addict, or a prostitute, or a murderer. Constant threats of suicide, but look! She's still alive! And further anecdotally, I remember when I was around 12 years old beginning to notice that almost every family I knew had a "black sheep"—a teenager who rebelled, did drugs, slept around, wasn't following the path the family planned at all, embarrassed the family, etc. Now that it's 40 years later, many of those rebellious teens are leading perfectly regular lives, several are alcoholics who I'm sure have had lifelong financial support from their families, and a few have committed suicide. So like I said, I'm not sure there's an increase. I think maybe it's just getting analyzed more by our generation of parenting expert and therapy-addicted moms. Is it possible that all this therapy stuff and parenting expertise is causing an uptick of this behavior though? Yes, it's possible. Yes, we could have taken a meh situation and made it worse by all the worrying, and fixing, and meddling, and "trying to find the answers," and trying to take away the pain. Yes, I think that might be exacerbating and lengthening what normally would just be teenage rebellion that runs its course. I do know that so far, since I adopted my approach, my son has changed for the better. I don't know if it's because of that, but I DO know that he is better and not worse, whether because of or in spite of my approach.

He called tonight. I talked to him for 3 hours. He exhibited zero anger, blame, threats, psychosis, etc. He said that he knew he shouldn't have called me for the last conversation we had that ended with him saying he'd kill himself because he was in weed withdrawal. He apologized for it. He's developing more awareness. He didn't ask for anything. I told him I hope we can continue having conversations because I'd like to get to the point where I can feel safe with him and go back to having a normal relationship. He agreed. He's agreed before. All I can say is we'll see.

[Tulipps]

Leaf - I'm happy to hear you were able to have a stable conversation. You've consistently demonstrated the ability to be realistic ("radical acceptance") while remaining hopeful. It’s not easy.
Our boundaries are still in place, and since hearing about the egging incident, things have been quiet. We’ve been happy and relaxed. Until today. This morning I got a text from a cousin saying that my daughter had been arrested and needed a lawyer. The cousin declined, and when she did, suffered a verbal assault.
A few hours later, CLh and I both received voicemails from an unknown number – my daughter. She spoke clearly, but the message was bizarre. In her words:  “there’s a conspiracy…  you are all criminals and have been complicit for years… my grandfather was complicit… I'm being watched in my apartment... someone is using AI to read my mind… I'm being coerced into marriage… “ We have no idea what she's talking about. The message ended with the usual accuse/shame/scare/demand for money needed for her lawyer's retainer. Apparently this is the only way I can show some compassion and make up for completely ruining every step of her life. 
I have no idea if anyone will give her money at this point, but I can’t/won’t. She’s obviously in a bad way and in a bad situation, without a safety net.
wtf. I feel simultaneously heartbroken, baffled, numb, sad and helpless, but thankful I can share in this safe place.   

[Tulipps]

"Take what you need and leave the rest" - Alanon
For those uncomfortable with my stance, all I can say is that you may have walked alongside me at times on this journey, but you haven't walked in my shoes.
What I'm feeling right now is an explosion.
Thanks for listening, and I hope this space remains judgment free.
Peace to all.

[murmom]

I lurk on this board often and have posted some in the past. Reading this thread is helping me at the moment. I have decided to "take a break" from my dxBPD daughter, age 26. I read through my old posts on this forum from TEN YEARS AGO and golly - a lot hasn't gotten much better with my daughter. Now in the mix is a boyfriend (father of her child) who probably has some type of diagnosis, too. So now the situation is more complicated from when she was 16 years old. Anyway, I am entering my 60's, married for the second time now going on seven years, and want to experience some peace, happiness and fun in my life. I am letting my daughter know that I love her, but her choices and actions hurt  - so we are "taking a break." I feel validated from this thread on my decision to do so. Thanks!

[beatricex]

My husband and I are No Contact by his sBPD adult (30) daughter's choice, but it feels like we made the choice since she's twisted the story so bad on her Socials.  She posted "It's all my Dad's Fault!" or something to that effect there.  We didn't see it but heard about it from my husband's sister, who subsequently unfollowed her saying "I can't believe the things she says about people there!"

great idea for a subgroup

I am not the bio mother and didn't even raise my sBPD stepdaughter, but it still feels like a death of a dream I had to have a loving family with my husband.  Also went through all the stages of grief with our NC 3.5 years ago.

I wracked my brain trying to figure out if I caused it (since the ultimatum given was Dad must divorce me for there to be contact), didn't sleep well at all for months.  So much childhood trauma and all the emotions came up - shame was the biggest feeling and it truly felt like she saw into my soul and knew all the bad things I'd ever done to people in my life.
hugs to all on this thread, I am NOT judging anyone.  Too broken to do that.

b

[Showjumper]

Hello all. I’ve been reading and re-reading this thread, and I am so relieved that there is a place for those of us who have decided to go  no/minimal contact.
I joined in I think 2017, made a few posts and have not posted since, as things were going very well with my DD36. She is an Iraq veteran and was dx a long time ago with PTSD and has had a lot of treatment over the years. She is also Bipolar and has autism, not dx until her 30’s. One Dr said she has BPD traits but stopped short of diagnosing her with BPD and she is very resistant to any suggestion of that.

We have always been close, except for one rough time when her doc abruptly took her off a Bipolar med because he was worried about a serious side effect, but it caused her to go into mania and it was a nightmare while, and after she was in the hospital. (Sorry, I feel like I’m writing a book here).
So that was 2017 I think, and the first time I felt really alienated from her. Things went back to normal in our relationship. We talked every day, she graduated college and bought a house.
Then about 6 months ago she was dx with c-ptsd and is in some kind of trauma therapy for it, and EMDR.
At that point, her personality COMPLETELY changed into a person I don’t even know. She acts very erratic, sometimes delusional and says things that are obviously not true, but it seems like she honestly believes them. Recently she had a car accident, the police took her to the hospital, and after checking her out they admitted her to the psych ward. I thought good, maybe she’ll get some help, but they discharged her fairly quickly.
She told me it was just a fender bender, but a short time later she got a new car, which makes me wonder if her other car was totaled, and she didn’t want to tell me.

We talk occasionally, but after a short time she starts getting argumentative and I have to let her go. Sometimes she hangs up on me. There is more, but this is too long already.
Mainly, I am just reeling from the loss of my daughter as I knew her. The grief feels almost as if she died. We were very close and talked every day. She was my touchstone. Now she hardly ever calls.
Thank you so much if you read all this. I do feel better from just getting it off my chest. I see the evidence of such amazing growth in all your posts. I think I will feel at home here.

[holdingontohope]

I am so glad to have found this group an this thread.  This is my first post, brand new here.  NOT brand new to life with a BPD child, sadly.  I say "child," but my adult son is almost 32 now.  Early in life, he was diagnosed with ADHD, ODD, depression/anxiety, Bipolar (misdiagnosed with that, we found out later), and finally, BPD about 10 years ago.  He is an alcoholic, and smokes pot.  He is my son from a previous marriage, and my current husband and I have now been married for 25 years and have two sons of our own.  They, too, are grown (youngest is 22, middle son is newly and happily married--I finally got my "daughter" in my daughter-in-law!). 

SUCH a long story, but we have had such a troubled past.  My BPD son's bio dad left us when my son was about 2 1/2 and I SWEAR a "switch" was flipped in my son, and I started to see behaviors I had not before then.  My son was kicked out of 2 daycares before he was in kindergarten, was sent to a special treatment program for anxiety in "hospital school" (which is what we called it then, for his sake) in first grade because he was SO afraid that I might die while he was in school, and he would be left alone, that he ended up kicking the principal and hitting his teacher--sent to this program for a month when he was just 6.  Transitioned back to school in an EBD program, and eventually entered the regular classroom with an IEP.

When he was 17, he was diagnosed with High Functioning Aspergers.  I know he has a lot of dx's, but I have to say, I agree with each one!  He has always been so argumentative and defiant, emotionally immature and impulsive/explosive when triggered, anxious, depressed, says he feels "empty" everyday.  It has always made me so sad, and he CAN be very loving/sweet/easy going---until he is triggered or hurt, then LOOK OUT.  He has gotten into such rage episodes over the years, but doesn't remember much of what has happened during them, or that they even happened--so his perception of the past and what he has done and said is VERY different than what truly took place.  My husband and I have had to use tough love on him more than once, and he continually blames us for how we "abandoned him," and wouldn't come to his rescue, how we favor our two kids together, and how they have been treated differently, etc.  NOT TRUE.  They have ALL had the same opportunities and rules/boundaries.  Our two sons together are thriving in life, and are great kids--NO issues whatsoever other than normal growing up issues that we worked through.  VERY normal and appropriate for their age, etc.  My BPD son does not see that his whole life has been HE#$ because of HIS CHOICES. He never sees anything close to that, only that we abandoned him and were horrible and toxic.  QUITE the other way around, but he will NEVER see any of that.

Very recently, on my birthday weekend, in fact, we had a horrible altercation in which he was VERY intoxicated and refused to let us drive him home to his house, since we wanted him to leave.  We offered to bring him home safely, but he REFUSED to go.  He became aggressive and was yelling/swearing/name calling (the usual), until I finally said I would call the police if he did not settle down and just let us take him home.  He did NOT like that at all, and began to lunge at my phone to try to take it from me.  My youngest son was home with me at the time (thank goodness), and had to physically wrestle him to the ground and hold him back while I called.  The police took his blood alcohol content and he was WAY over the limit. We STILL offered to bring him home if he would just settle down, but he continue to swear/name call/fight.  They had to put him in cuffs and take him to detox.  As he left he said, "You are dead to me."  It was so traumatic, I still cry just thinking of it.  Happy Birthday to me--he didn't care at ALL what day it was. And get this--a few hours later when he sobered up, he called me to demand that I come and pick him up!  AND he said we had "no right" to do any of this, that "my plan backfired" because he wasn't even drunk, and that they were saying I was "crazy" at the hospital/detox area, wherever he was brought to.  I did NOT pick him up. 

Since then, we saw each other only once to try to talk as a family, and it ended with him telling us to get the F$%! out of his apartment.  We went as a family to try to work through things and go over some boundaries we wanted to enforce (like no drinking at our house if he is to come and visit).  I have been "rage texted" so many times since (and a million times before all of this for YEARS), and try as I might to not reply, I end up getting sucked in. Thinking I will just set him straight once and for all, but it does NOT ever happen.  He turns everything around, and NEVER hears the little lesson I am trying to teach, or hears the TRUTH of a situation.  He doesn't even acknowledge when I say we love him and want him to be a part of our family. 

He REFUSES therapy or detox, and always has.  He claims his friends are his family, and we just ambushed him when we tried to meet to talk, and that we have always been toxic and horrible, and that he will be making other plans for Christmas.  Not sure he will follow through with that, but I did not respond to that text.  Part of me wants nothing more than that, but the other part of me is grief stricken, sad, guilty, wondering if I SHOULD have done something differently?  But then it's like, wait, NO...I do not have to be treated that way, abusively for so many years.  Enough is enough.  Yes, there definitely needs to be more resources for parents like us in these situations, and I am so glad to have found at least ONE other person who maybe has a small clue as to how this rollercoaster of a life has been.  I always want to hold out hope for something more--something better--for that little boy in him who IS loving and gentle, sweet and just wants to be held.  It hurts to keep him at arms length, but I feel I need to go no contact (as well as the rest of my family).  He will not do well--he does not have a good job, does not have money, may become homeless...it does not look good.  But we just can't keep doing what we have been doing.  I am so lucky to have nothing but support from my husband and other sons who cannot STAND how my BPD son acts or treats me (or them).  We all have found ourselves at our wits end, and it hurts my heart, but I just don't now what else to do.  Anyone know of any good online therapist who can help with this?  Sorry for the long post--hard to keep it short!  Feels good to "talk" to people who understand.  Thank you so much for listening.

[Showjumper]

Hi holdingontohope, it looks like we are the only ones here at the moment. I see so many similarities to my story in yours. Some of the same diagnoses in our kids. It’s so hard, but we need to create a safe peaceful place for ourselves.
I just read a book that helped me to separate a bit from my daughter, who is very angry and lashing out at me at the moment.
The book was about a mother’s journey with her son, who is schizophrenic, but it was really about her, and all the things she went through were things we all here go through. Toward the end of the book, after much sorrow and anguish over her son, she reached a point where she just sat down and said I am DONE.
Whatever happens with him happens, even if he dies, I have to have my own life.
When I read that I realized I was at that same point, and as they say in AA, which I am a longterm member of, “Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” I learned I needed to let go of all that anguish, which damages me, and does not help my daughter anyway.
It’s hard to do, and I don’t always succeed at it, but when I let it go, I actually feel my tight chest relaxing and I feel free for a while.

Anyway, the book is “He came in With It,” by Miriam Feldman if anybody is interested. (I hope I’m not breaking any forum rules by mentioning it).