At a crossroads

[TryinMyBest]

Hi - new member here

[ForeverDad]

Hi
How can we help?  What are the crossroads where you find yourself?  Some details would help us to provide better responses.  Is your spouse behaving poorly, or perhaps someone else?  Do you have minor children which makes dealing with custody and parenting more difficult?

Have you browsed the topics and discussions on various poor behaviors and how best (or "less bad" approaches) to address them?
Tools & Skills Workshops

[TryinMyBest]

Hello, and thanks for the welcome.

Technology are my original post and spit out “hi I’m a new member” instead of the long thread I had written.

I’ll try again but this time be straight to the point. I’m in a position where I think the right move for my family (3 kids) is to seperate from my husband. He either wants to work on himself or he doesn’t. But the ball needs to be firmly placed in his court. I’ve tried many of the methods discussed here, I’ve read several books, this is just my first time I think im strong enough to say it all “out loud”.

He belittles all of us, routinely Implying and sometimes outright saying, that he never wanted kids. He says if we ever divorced, “just tell me where to send the check”. He’s  too old for raising them, that this is all my fault. My children - my healthy beautiful children - are my “fault”. He told my 11 year old she was a piece of PLEASE READ and my 9 year old actually thinks he is stupid. 

I’ve decided that I’m going to tell him we need time apart.  Not me and him, him from this entire family. That it’s toxic right now and not mentally healthy for anyone. And that he needs to decide if he wants this, because if he doesn’t it’s okay. But then we need to go our seperate ways. We can’t continue the way we are. And if he does want the life we built, then he needs to start therapy at the very least. Then when he is in a better place, we can work on us as a family unit. But first, he needs to work on himself.

He won’t respond well. If he refuses to leave I’m going to tell him that I’m willing to find temporary lodging for me and the kids, but I think it would be more stable for them if we can remain here.

Anticipating and preparing for every move, and having lived like this for 14 years, s mall part of me thinks he will threaten to call the cops on the grounds that I’m kidnapping the children - just to spite me.

I don’t know if I’m looking for advice, someone to just listen, or to be told hey - you’re not alone.

I just needed to unburden myself with this decision in a safe place.

I hope that’s here. Thanks for listening.

[ForeverDad]

First, we are sorry that your family situation caused you to seek our help here but we are very glad to assist you.

I noticed that you are far too reasonable and "fair" in what you're planning to offer your spouse.  (That's true of most who arrive here, myself included when I arrived here many years ago, so no one is singling you out for criticism!)  For example, "the kids and I will leave but it is better that they remain here" is simply too compliant and invites him to tell you what to do.  Instead state he would have to leave.  Period.  Yes, it may turn out that things explode and for all you know the separation would happen immediate with neither of you having a choice in the matter.  Such as a call to an emergency line and the police forcing a separation to halt a dispute or incident.

All I'm saying is that many members arrive here being quite timid to stand up for themselves and their children.  Life is not that simple where what we hope is what happens, but it's also not what the other spouse wants either.

Going back to the "I might leave" concept, it forces you to be the one to find a place to live with 3 children.  It would be simpler for him to find an affordable apartment.  Do you see the difference in perspective?

This might be the best advice... Get your ducks in a row, both legally and emotionally.  (1) Consult a few attorneys familiar with family law.  Listen to their advice and likely strategies.  (You may choose to bring a trusted friend so the other can remember what you forget.)  Do they recommend a lawyer you haven't approached yet?  Who are both experienced and professional to work with?

Can you and your children seek counseling?  DV or children's agencies can guide you on options.

Lastly, life is about to change.  Before, when you tried to resolve issues you had to share information.  With an impending separation or divorce, that no longer works.  You cannot share information as before.  You do not state your consulting lawyers, that is private and confidential.  No more "confessions" required to smooth over spouse's tantrums or grudges.  What you DO continue sharing is necessary parenting information.

[livednlearned]

I feel for where you're at in a relationship like this. It's heart breaking to witness a parent belittle and abuse their own children. My ex said something similar to our funny, sweet, lovely, intelligent son. He said, "You're a terrible person" and I've never felt my heart break in so many ways.

It's important to know if you're dealing with a straight up personality disorder or if you think your H might be a high-conflict personality (HCP) which is what Bill Eddy of Splitting describes as someone who is a persuasive blamer, recruits negative advocates, has a target (you), and a PD. You can have a PD and not be HCP, but HCPs have a PD.

Because if your H is HCP, it's a good idea to really, really, really get your ducks in a row. Being 10 steps ahead can save a lot of heartache and pain and money and time, even though you will still have some of that.

People with PDs don't do abandonment well, or stress, and divorce is both. He may talk about divorce all day long but mostly that's just hot air into the vent of life that he can't process in a healthy way. He doesn't want you to abandon him any more than he wants a second head, probably. If he did, he would've left when he said so.

You know him best. If you ask him to leave, what is he most likely to do?