40 year old son with undiagnosed BPD-Help

[Aliskwat]

My son doesn't want to see me nor my husband. It is so sad to not be able to talk or see our son, his wife and our 5 year old grandson. Some people we have talked to have said he may have Borderline Personality Disorder. OMG! What the hell do we do to help him so we have him in our lives again?  This has been going on for almost 5 years now! Crazy!
I have a question for anyone who can answer: Is is true that Borderline Personality people try to break up their parents marriage?  Is it true that the goal of breaking up their parents marriage is so they can be taken care of one of the parents for the rest of their lives? Help Please!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Aliskwat
It is very painful to be cut off from your son and your gs. To understand what is happening though it is important to know the background, what other symptoms there are etc. BPD is a specific illness that has particular criteria.

The term is out in the community now and I do hear people talking amongst themselves and deciding who and who hasn't got BPD.

There are people here whose children are not formally diagnosed, but have a range of symptoms that tick the bpd criteria boxes.

It seems from what you have said that the problems started around the time gs was born? Is that the case?

Re the breaking up of marriages. 'Splitting' is part of bpd - intense emotions where a person is either 'all goo' or 'all bad'. It happens with friendships, their own partners, work colleagues - it is driven by intense emotional response to even tiny triggers.

I think the first step for you is to think about all the things that are happening with your son, what behaviours he exhibits and how long have they been happening. Has it all changed since the birth of gs? Where does his partner stand in all this?

Sorry for all the questions. PLease step back from listening to others' diagnosis and think about the general picture. Reading peoples' posts here will give you an idea of what BPD can look like on a day to day basis.

[Sancho]

Hi Aliskwat
I forgot to mention that my dd is surrounded by people who say she has NOT got any illness at all - she is just making it all up to get attention. So please don't listen to what others say. I understand that you can't get your son to an assessment process, but if you look at the criteria, read up on things yourself and perhaps work with people here to come to a really really considered opinion - it means looking at a lot of detail about what is happening and the history of your individual circumstances.

Hope you find help here.