This said, I'm conflicted on this - isn't it no ones fault of any PD whether it is "better" or "worse" than BPD? Thus, why so much more anger to NPD, ASPD vs BPD?
NPD is associated with "selfishness". during the breakdown of a relationship, and especially during and after a breakup, everyone is selfish (self focused). some more so than others, of course, but i think a great deal of the time, you can think of "NPD" as a label for how someone felt/feels in reaction to that persons selfishness.
ASPD is probably the least understood, where NPD is probably the most misunderstood and most talked about.
they are all three very different disorders, but certainly, any of them can be selfish, and generally are pathologically so. but anyone that you love has a great deal of ability to hurt you, and powerfully. it is really hard, from that position, to try and put a diagnosis on that.
2. On the BPD treatability - how much is this really impacted by cormordbitities?
youd really have to look at the person in isolation, and you would need a reasonable knowledge, not only as it pertains to your relationship, but other relationships in her life. what about her could realistically change/improve? what would her likeliness to seek treatment be, and why would she seek it?
This to me seems more NPD trait, but I'm not sure how someone could do this. Thoughts? Not sure if this is a new one for bpdfamily!
this is not a personality trait. this is a person feeling overwhelmed, responding to it by retreating. if you were using desperate measures, she could likely sense that.
4. I see future faking described in NPD more than BPD, unless I just have not come across it as much... thoughts? She future faked constantly
"future faking" is not a clinical term. it is not part of the diagnostic criteria for any personality disorder.
if you have been in a romantic relationship that is predicated on a future, and the relationship ends, one or both of you is guilty of "future faking".
what is true about BPD is that people living with it tend to overexpress themselves. youre the worst person in the world, youre the best. they speak their feelings without a great deal of foresight. over the top expressions of love, and pushes for commitment, are common. but they are no more faked than any mating ritual any of us employ to reel in a lover. just pathological, and more extreme.
5. Oddity - first person in my life I never received a WRAPPED or BAGGED gift nor a CARD. She used to give me postcards without writing anything from her trips - what was this all about?
not a personality disordered thing. just her style.
6. Healing - I read several things about doing or dont doing - but the city I live in wreaks of her. Either places we have gone - good or bad memories, or even places that I bought her (many) things, or argued with her (on the phone). Question is - do people typically stay away from trigger places, or try to conquer them? There are just too many...
in therapy, you have what you call "trigger exposure". if you have social anxiety, part of therapy is to get out of your comfort zone. you do things like start conversations with strangers. maybe you start small; you just ask them for the time. im a big believer in ripping the bandaid off, and also for not giving things undue significance (just because me and an ex ate at a restaurant doesnt mean i cant with a future partner). the way out of pain is through it. the sooner you are able to do all of those things, generally speaking, the more detached you are. obviously, every given person should do such a thing within reason, unique to them.
8. Secret relationship- given my relationship, I had to move mountains to keep it tightly knit, but through time anyone could see i was more and more willing to be open with her. Dinners / drinks never an issue in public, but i mean holding hands or kissing on main streets etc. After the end, i realized it was her who in fact kept me in the dark. I requested to meet her parents, or friends (increasingly), but she always said no, as I'd have to spend the whole night explaining our situation etc... I havent read about this situation with BPD yet...
these are more likely the complicated dynamics of affairs.
9. Flying monkeys - another NPD thing, common in BPD?
not a thing, except in the fictional story the wizard of oz
are there people that carefully curate a support system consisting of nothing but validation, or even enlist them in drama? sure. but thats not unique to personality disorders.
10. Secret trips - another NPD thing. - ie. never wanted to be in contact - said my home life stressed her and she needed a break from me in these times. These are 2 or 4 or 6 week vacas. Then come back all lovey-dovey. Is this a BPD thing too?
no. this is someone who needs a break, and returns from it refreshed. similarly, it might also be the dynamics common to an affair.
11. Revaluing - After splitting, why/how does this occur that I became "white" again?
this is easier to examine as it pertains to your relationship and what specifically transpired.
if you are asking how she could be hurtful/say awful things and then think youre great, you might be describing a person that was dysregulated, who then reached baseline.
14. charm - never been charmed other than just coming back from a trip, not sure if that qualifies. Never charmed in the immense turbulence that happened once per ~2 weeks - it was always me allowing it (damn low boundaries). Is this dynamic common?
you mention that the relationship recycled around 15 times. every one of those times, someone, or both parties, was struggling to let the relationship go. you can think of these as "charms" on either side, but the relationship was recycling for reasons unique to each of you.
as a general rule, recycling a relationship is not uncommon or necessarily unhealthy. over 60 percent of relationships recycle at least once. 3 or more times is generally considered unhealthy territory. 5 or more, and something is very, very broken.
15. Their healing - if they seek treatment -for those that have experience -"who" are they afterwards? So I read they arent the love-bombing personality you first know. But then they likely arent the grinders they are through the rest since much of that negative stuff cant be numbed down to a degree. So those who are still with former BPDs, are they a complete new person, and did you have to relearn to love this "new" person? Did things change about them- hobbies, topics of conversations, interests, humour, etc?
everyone on this board is from a failed relationship.
when you enter psychotherapy, you necessarily emerge a changed person. a more, and better, individuated person. this is true of anyone who gets into therapy and applies themselves. they arent a wholly unrecognizable person. they havent been replaced. but they have changed.
the sort of change that you are talking about is not what the therapeutic process entails. they are still themselves, but with more tools to cope. the process of DBT is generally learning to regulate emotions, and turn to new, healthier coping skills. that can produce a pretty profound change for a person.
16. For curability - does it matter more how severe the traits were ( ie if they had 5 or 6 very bad) or how many they had? It is hard for me to state how bad she was (vs other BPDs I don't have a bearing) but definitely she had all 9 traits.
therapy usually attempts to alleviate individual suffering, and teach new coping methods. for example, it will try to teach new outlets to replace self harm.
in some cases, that is enough to move a person from "clinical" to "subclinical". would it make them an easier romantic partner? not necessarily. so in that sense, some of the most severe are the easiest to help.
17. Breakups - most of the time I would be the one walking away when she got too crazy. She always challenged me in a way to ask if this was the end. Internally I always hesitated. The point is, she seemed "ok" by me walking away so many times, that this itself pissed me off so much. Was this an acting ploy?
this may be hard to see right now, but this is not a personality disordered thing, but two people in a relationship that is breaking down, fighting for control of it.
her "ok" to you walking away was no more an act than your walking away. you were both in a situation that was too good to leave, too hard to stay, with virtually no trust.
18. Piggybacking #8 above, all she wanted was a kid (my sperm) and to be alone solely. At the end (mind you after the breakup) I fully did this which I think is powerful given my situation but still crickets. All I am left with is two options - 1 she found another person or 2. Leading up to the breakup I was just so desperate to maintain our sanity I was explicitly saying I was on the verge of moving to her- loud and clear- so I'm also not sure if my emotions were just too strong and she couldn't actually handle anyone else's beside hers... maybe it's both!...
as i mentioned, affairs have dynamics that are common to them.
we dont know a lot of specifics about your relationship.
one dynamic common to affairs is that the person who isnt married and is doing the chasing will push for commitment, and the person who is married will give assurances of that commitment, but not really quite commit.
it is possible that she thought your commitment was too little too late. it is possible she thought it was too much, too soon. it is possible she thought that it was desperation because she was walking away. its hard to say. but its reasonable to conclude that she didnt trust in your gesture.
