I can be caring, and even validating of how her feelings affect her, but I can’t go along with the narrative she is using to validate her own feelings and actions, and I certainly can’t let her take absolute control of our lives and everyone else’s views of me. She is very controlling, she has always had to have things 100% her way. If she doesn’t get her way then she sees herself as a victim. She sees this moment as her opportunity to take full control, by getting others to agree with and care for her. Sorry, I just can’t lay down and let her do that. It’s one thing to care for her fear and feelings. It’s an entirely different thing to deal with her need to control our life.
Here's the thing, you're involved in two conflicts at the same time and they're crashing together to create a perfect storm:
Conflict #1- Defend yourself from her toxic narratives.
Conflict #2- Save your marriage.
Of the two things listed above, which is more important to you? Please think about this answer because if you continue on the same path, you'll ultimately lose both conflicts.
Why? Conflict #1 is BPD and all the drama that comes along with it. She's a victim, you're evil, you never do anything for her and you're such a horrible person. That's what people with BPD say in relationships when everything is not going their way...they blame someone else. Never in the history of the world has someone ever "won the fight" over words spoken from a BPD spouse.
Why? She has mental illness, so we're not dealing with well formed thoughts and logic here. We're dealing with emotion in the moment and everything is 10x more dramatic than it needs to be, all the time. Anytime you defend yourself, regardless of what you say, she hears something like, "You're crazy. Or stupid. Or maybe crazy and stupid."
What she sees in the relationship is a fact in her mind, and she can't possibly see any other alternative. Even suggesting that she's wrong sends her spiraling and you pay the price for it, regardless where it comes from (you, family, therapist, etc). So if you're bound and determined to fight conflict #1, your marriage is 100% over and its just a matter of time before someone walks away.
Now let's look at conflict #2- to save your marriage.
When someone with BPD has painted you black and turned toxic against you, the only way to change the narrative is different behavior. That means no arguing or defending yourself, because the words she's saying doesn't matter nearly as much as the feelings that are driving them. You focus on the feelings only- sadness, fear, anger, etc. and you put your efforts into leveling those feelings out.
How? Listen. Empathize. Build trust and connection.
For example, she says you're evil because in her viewpoint, things you do that frustrate her are being rubbed in her face and made out to be all her fault. Everything she does is in reaction to you not understanding her viewpoint, so arguing about just adds fuel to the fire. It's a lose/lose situation unless you stop arguing/defending and figure out a way to "reset" the relationship back at square zero.
How? Listen. Empathize. Build trust and connection.
If I could do things over with my wife, I would have pulled her close and said everything that I was too scared to say- how much I loved her, how much I valued her, and how I needed her in my life. That's all that matters...everything else is just noise and you need to block out everything that's causing chaos and just focus on reconnecting.
I know that sounds impossible but people do it every single day- it's called forgiveness. Forgive her and be vulnerable, then ask for forgiveness. Let go of that pride of life and see what happens. It may genuinely surprise you.
