Generations of Estrangement in bpdMom's Family

[Teabunny]

4 Generations of Estrangement

I just learned from a cousin that for decades my bpdMom's mother's mother lived two houses down from my mom, her mother and siblings. Many in that family decided to stop speaking to great-grandma for the rest of her life. Two houses down. I passed that house as a kid and never knew.

In addition to estrangement from her grandma who passed away years ago, my mom is also estranged from both her siblings and her half-siblings. My mom's nephews are also estranged from my mom's siblings. I've never gone no contact with either of my parents or any relations (do I get a prize for setting some kind of record  )

It's great to set healthy boundaries and sometimes going no contact is healthy! But then, there is what my mom does: she stopped speaking to her siblings primarily because when their mother passed away, mom thought she deserved more inheritance than she got from my grandma. 

Today she wrote me saying she can't speak to her sister because "she's very controlling." I don't know if that's true, but I definitely know about mom's BPD-related control issues. Don't we all!

Meanwhile, us cousins are like:
Happy [ ]! Let's celebrate this holiday!
Look at this cool mountain we live on.
Congrats on your new job, tell me all about it.
Did you see this movie? It was awesome!
Hey we got a puppy!
 

[Notwendy]

Yes, I noticed this pattern in my BPD mother's family too. People deciding to not speak to each other- either for a short while or longer.

During the time my father was ill, one of her friends- a lifelong friend, kept calling and my mother would tell me not to answer it. She was angry at her friend for some reason, I don't know. Finally, I picked up the phone- her friend was calling worried about my father. Did my mother not have the understanding to speak to her friend considering the circumstances? That people are calling due to their being concerned?

BPD mother was angry at me at the time my father passed away.  She made some plan with her friends and family and told them to not speak to me. I was stunned about it and so, gave up on trying to contact them. This resulted in a family division. Eventually some of them reached out to me to reconcile after they realized my mother's behavior had contributed, not mine. I think this is how these kinds of things start- the disordered person recruits people to align with her against someone else- Karpman triangle dynamics- and the person they align against withdraws from the relationships. Unless someone reaches out, there's a division.

[Teabunny]

Yes Notwendy, so true! And now it seems like my mom has aligned against so many people she only has a few left, if that.

I think it's wonderful and something of a triumph that my cousins across all family tree branches & I are able to keep up communication and be a positive force in each other's lives, sharing some fun. It is hope, it's happiness, it's healing in a way.