How to break ties without triggering suicide

[HelpMe123]

My GF has BPD, after 2 painful years of being empathetic about the emotional abuse/manipulation she pollutes my life with... I've finally had enough. In the past, any talks about breaking up resulted in her threatening suicide (she attempted 2x & needed to be hospitalized 1 of the 2). Yes, I have no control over what someone else does to themselves - I am hoping someone here will have some insight on the best way to break ties without triggering a suicide scenario.

Any suggestions will help.

Thanx

[Skip]

Was there an event recently that pushed you over the line?

[HelpMe123]

Yes, she had an episode, started drinking & ended up driving drunk to my house while texting me "I hope I crash & die"

[HelpMe123]

After she was hospitalized (OD'd on various pills & left a note blaming it all on me) - My empathy overtook my brain & I didn't leave. Since then (2 months later) she is showing similar red flags which is making my anxiety level go off the charts... Even when things are "good" I can't shake this fear of the pattern repeating itself

[Skip]

Are you intellectually ready to let go, but fighting your own emotions to do it?

Are in the "too good to leave, too bad to stay" zone?

[HelpMe123]

Intellectually I'm VERY ready - but emotionally I still love her (no longer "in-love" tho). I'm here bc I want to minimize the blowback when I do end things and go into no-contact-mode.

[HelpMe123]

To answer your question, the emotions I'm fighting is the deep rooted empathy I have for her. She has a good heart... Sadly, right now, "too good" is just the absence of awful. And awful is like hell

[kells76]

Hi HelpMe123, just want to join with Skip in welcoming you to the group.

What you've been through would shake any relationship. It's no wonder your anxiety is through the roof -- there's some history there.

While it won't be easy -- like Skip mentioned, as much as your intellectual mind may be done, there are still emotions involved -- it is possible to move on in the "least bad" way possible. There may be very difficult moments, more so than "generally normal" breakups, and if those happen, we'll be here to walk alongside you.

One question I have as we learn more about your situation is -- are there any kids involved? Yours, hers, any together? That can be a big factor in figuring out your path forward.

[HelpMe123]

Thanx for the reply(s)! There are no kids. The curve ball is that her family & true-friends are not in America. Which leaves me as being her entire support system (which of course is unhealthy in of itself)

[Skip]

I don't want to be "question man", but do you live together? Do you support her?

[HelpMe123]

Questions are good!! No we don't live together & our finances do not cross. She is totally independent financially

[Skip]

I want to minimize the blowback when I do end things and go into no-contact-mode...

So, you want to let go with grace? That's admirable and certainly something I would think makes sense. You two had a deep relationship. Relationships doesn't always have a long shelf-life. You are ready to transition.

I don't think "no contact" is a good idea if you don't absolutely need it for your own mental well being. NC will amp things up. She will feel desperate. You will be conflicted with obligations. Drama.

I would slowly pull away. Stop being intimate. Increasingly fill your schedule with stuff. Don't fight, just be cool. Keep a line of communication open... but slowly increase the time between responses. Shorten your answers. Be somewhere else for the holidays.

She will likely test this (as anyone would). Be prepared on who you will call in to help. Just ease things into "friend zone".

How do you think she would react to that?

[HelpMe123]

Slow pull back is kind of what I've been doing... I personally do not require NC, mentally I'm already there. Buuuut for her, I'm torn between 2 possibilities - I go NC & she goes off the deep end -or- I continue to minimize our contact & the drama continues to increase as a result

[Skip]

When we are pulling away, we have a lot of power. "If you are going rto act that way then I need space. Let's talk again in in 4 days." If she pushed too hard, say "maybe we need to spend a few weeks apart."

She will get the message that drama closes access and being nice opens it.

You are going to get tested. That's human nature. You have to believe in. your plan and stay the course. People here can help with the day to day.

Take the high road and do things to help her transition. If you do things together, for example, do them with other people she might connect with. Dancing, bowling, church.

Friend zone to end zone.

[HelpMe123]

I told her I needed a week away from "us" once... It caused an aaaaawful episode. I actually get anxiety just thinking about it now

[Skip]

So wlak us through how it all played out. This is good laborartory stuff.

[HelpMe123]

These particular traumatic memories are the result of a unique combo of BPD - PMDD (diagnosed) -and- PTSD (abuse). For the laboratory it'll be prejudicial and tbh I'm getting fuktup just thinking about walking y'all through it

[kells76]

It's OK  you're in the driver's seat here.

These particular traumatic memories are the result of a unique combo of BPD - PMDD (diagnosed) -and- PTSD (abuse). For the laboratory it'll be prejudicial and tbh I'm getting fuktup just thinking about walking y'all through it

On a scale of 0% to 100% of what you feel ok with sharing of the above, what % do you think you are at right now?

If you're at a 0% or low %, that is okay. You can let us know if there is a different direction or example that maybe is at a higher % of okay-ness for you right now.

Or, if you check in with yourself and it's just not a great time to talk, that's okay too. You get to take (back) control of what you are okay with talking about. No pressure, we'll be here.

[AlbertaCowboy]

My GF has BPD, after 2 painful years of being empathetic about the emotional abuse/manipulation she pollutes my life with... I've finally had enough. In the past, any talks about breaking up resulted in her threatening suicide (she attempted 2x & needed to be hospitalized 1 of the 2). Yes, I have no control over what someone else does to themselves - I am hoping someone here will have some insight on the best way to break ties without triggering a suicide scenario.

Any suggestions will help.

Thanx

Worry about your own mental health, and leave her. Trust me, I went through this, and stayed in the relationship for 2 full years after she initially started threatening suicide.  In my case, I caught on to the fact that it was all attention seeking behaviour, as the amount of pills were not nearly enough to kill her.

I suppose every case is unique, but it's clear they are manipulating you, and even in a worst case scenario, where your SO does commit suicide (which is highly unlikely), keep in mind that she had a sick mind, and it is not your fault.

[HelpMe123]

Thank you Alberta! Your thoughtful words are greatly appreciated

[Schlaff]

Worry about your own mental health, and leave her. Trust me, I went through this, and stayed in the relationship for 2 full years after she initially started threatening suicide.  In my case, I caught on to the fact that it was all attention seeking behaviour, as the amount of pills were not nearly enough to kill her.

I suppose every case is unique, but it's clear they are manipulating you, and even in a worst case scenario, where your SO does commit suicide (which is highly unlikely), keep in mind that she had a sick mind, and it is not your fault.

x2

Been here as well, more than once. It's impossible not to feel some responsibility for their actions, but at the end of the day, you simply aren't.

Also posting to note:  going for a slow, gradual approach is an option, I would just caution you against dragging it out too long. That's what I did, and it was as horrible as you might predict.