It’s becoming clearer

[M604V]

It’s funny how things look differently with just a change in attitude and perspective. You don’t have to change much of your behavior, just the way you look at things.  And these attitudinal changes don’t need to be definitive, just hypothetical, i.e. adopting a more neutral stance, not chasing a particular result, and seeing how things shake out.

So that’s what I’ve been trying. I’ve enlisted a device that I learned in Al-Anon years ago: I picture a hula hoop on the ground with me standing inside it. That represents the world that I control, a mere two-foot circle. Anything outside of that is, well, someone else’s responsibility.

My uBPDw and I had an encounter last night that reaffirms my feeling that divorce is an option to be seriously considered. Things have been peaceful between us for a week or two. It was my birthday, so that bought me a few days of peace. There were probably other factors as well. It makes no real difference to me, but I’ve noticed that she’s lost 5-10 pounds or so and have commented on it. She does look great, and our sex life is, I’d say, above-average in terms of frequency. We’ve been getting along and things seem to be pretty stable.

But old habits die hard, including her shopping addiction.

So last night after dinner she casually commented: “I have a confession to make: I ended up buying that hair dryer.”  I really have no idea what she’s talking about. She’s speaking like this is something that I should be aware of. “You know, the Dyson one,” she added. Oh great. I know what that means. Dyson=$$

Background: I retired from my previous job a year ago to pursue my own business. Previous job was well-paying and had excellent benefits but was tenuous and risky and could have been taken away at any moment (I was a cop). Plus I was miserable. So I left and opened my own business. Business has been going very well. Sure, nothing is guaranteed, but we have yet to miss a payment, we’re not in foreclosure, there’s food on the table and clothes on our backs. We’re good. Are we great? No, but all of our needs are met with a little bit left over. We’re going to be fine.

My wife has never truly supported my career change. It’s like she supported it enough to not stand in the way, but has never expressed any encouragement or enthusiasm or anything of the sort, despite me asking for it multiple times. It’s like she’s given me just enough rope to hang myself. She’s made numerous provocative statements, to include “If we experience financial difficulties I’ll divorce you,” “I married a cop for stability and security,” “This is going to ruin my credit score,”  (although my business was 100% funded with cash), and “I don’t have to support your business because it wasn’t my idea.”

So I sat on her $300 admission for a minute or two. (Yes, this hair dryer costs $300). Then I confronted her with a confession of my own. “I have to admit that I have a problem with this purchase. At the end of the day you’re a grown woman who can buy what she wants. I’m not here to babysit you. But I have a real problem with you, for example, threatening to divorce me over money, questioning my devotion as husband and father, yet you needlessly spend money on unnecessary things like a $300 hair dryer. How am I supposed to reconcile the two?”

First came victim/martyr mode: “I guess I just won’t buy anything ever again.”  Next was justification: “I’m bought it in installments, so…” [She bought a $300 hair dryer on credit?!?] “I said what I said (see above) and that’s how I felt at the time, so…” Then it was just full on denial, evasion and deflecting.

That’s where my major issues come in. It’s like she has no concept of the impact of her behavior. None. She’s like a child. And when I try and show her the impact of her behavior she denies it. Won’t hear it. Has no time for the fact that she lives in the real world, where people might actually be affected by what she does and says. She wants nothing to do with that world.

“So you “speak your truth”, but doing so hurts the people around you. It hurts me. The things you say and do have hurt me greatly. Who is that on? Who is responsible for that?” I asked. She responds with denial, stalling, circular logic. She doesn’t want to hear it. She can’t consider a world in which she’s actually held to account for anything.

She’s mentioned counseling a few times recently. I’m totally fine with that, but I won’t pursue it myself. She has to do it. We’ve been to half a dozen MCs in the past, all by my volition. I can’t be the one to arrange it again. She has to do it; it will actually demonstrate her commitment to it. A few weeks ago I asked for an update on finding a MC. She hadn’t found one, because it’s really difficult and she “doesn’t have time.”  Last night I asked her again, same response.

Later she very nicely said “good night,” then yelled down “bless you!” when I sneezed. Did she actually forget our encounter from 30 minutes prior? Like, honestly: did she forget? Is her “mind-erasing” ability that advanced?

It’s like there’s two sets of rules, and she administers them both: there’s her rules for herself and her rules for me.

I’m just tired of not being a priority in peoples lives. It’s been a bad habit of mine for years, and I need it to stop.

[M604V]

She also commented about her guilt over her purchase. Ok, fair enough. I won’t deny her those feelings. “I would have felt guilty buying it either way, whether we have a million dollars or zero.”

Ok, she did something she’s not proud of? I guess that could be it, and I can understand that. We’ve all been there.

So why the “confession”? Realistically she could have said nothing and I probably never would have realized she bought an expensive hair dryer.

So why bring it up? I suspect she wanted a fight. I suspect that she felt bad about it, but didn’t want to ruminate alone. So she brought me into it. Misery loves company. Then she wouldn’t have to be mad at herself, she could just be mad at me.

Like I said I brought up MC last night and asked if she’s scheduled anything. “I don’t have the time and I can’t use my phone at work,” was her response. I pointed out that she had time to drive to a local department store twice to buy a piece of furniture that we don’t need. I’m tired of feeling like a non-factor in my own marriage.

I’ll put on a brave face and get us through the holidays. If she hasn’t made an effort by then I think it’s time to take the next step.

[livednlearned]

I’m just tired of not being a priority in peoples lives.

What changes inside the hula hoop when you think about this?

How would you expand this analogy to describe how she behaves in relation to her hula hoop (and yours)?

[M604V]

For starters (I’m about to go out on a mini-date with my 11 year old): stop trying to dictate the outcome. Stop playing emotional chess. “Well she moved her rook, so I can counter with a knight, and that will force her to bring out her queen.” I can’t do that anymore. I can’t keep dodging and weaving trying to keep everything together for the sake of SIMPLY AVOIDING THE NEGATIVE FALLOUT. That’s a recipe for a complete mental breakdown.

I want the happy ending but that’s not solely my call.

[M604V]

I’ve devoted so much time and energy just trying to dictate the outcome. I feel like it was true and virtuous but still: it’s an attempt at control. It’s an attempt at selling myself to someone. If I just do enough good things, if I stick it out, if I carry the load, if I soldier through the tough times then eventually the scales will tip in my favor. She’ll see me for who (I think) I am, she’ll love me the right way, and off into the sunset we go.

That’s not going to happen. Probably not anyway. I’ve submitted my resume to her time and time again.  At best I feel like I’ve been hired for seasonal work. Just temporary stuff. I’m on a six-month probation period during which I can be fired at anytime. Just to be rehired later. I’m tired of it.

BPD or otherwise, she can’t love me the way I want. I don’t know why. She just can’t. So, back to the hula hoop: I just need to accept it. Just accept it. Stop JADEing and SETing and DEARMANing. Forget about the FOG and all the rest of it. Just accept the facts as what they are and choose accordingly. Stop trying to get her to do something that she is incapable of.

I can still love her without being with her. I can still want the best for her without being her husband. Maybe that’s what I need to do to preserve my own sanity.

I read a lot about how a pwBPD experiences feelings like they’re facts, and vice-versa. I like that a lot. It makes sense. But I can’t help but wonder: “why hasn’t the ‘fact’ that I’m a good husband who deserves to be loved ever become her ‘fact’?”

[ForeverDad]

So I sat on her $300 admission for a minute or two. (Yes, this hair dryer costs $300). Then I confronted her with a confession of my own. “I have to admit that I have a problem with this purchase. At the end of the day you’re a grown woman who can buy what she wants. I’m not here to babysit you. But I have a real problem with you, for example, threatening to divorce me over money, questioning my devotion as husband and father, yet you needlessly spend money on unnecessary things like a $300 hair dryer. How am I supposed to reconcile the two?”

First came victim/martyr mode: “I guess I just won’t buy anything ever again.”  Next was justification: “I’m bought it in installments, so…” [She bought a $300 hair dryer on credit?!?] “I said what I said (see above) and that’s how I felt at the time, so…” Then it was just full on denial, evasion and deflecting.

Like I said I brought up MC last night and asked if she’s scheduled anything. “I don’t have the time and I can’t use my phone at work,” was her response. I pointed out that she had time to drive to a local department store twice to buy a piece of furniture that we don’t need. I’m tired of feeling like a non-factor in my own marriage.

Does she pay her purchases from her work income?  I'm trying to determine whether your issue is with her thoughtless expensive expenditures or her expecting you to pay for them?

(I do agree, I would figure a hair dryer being more in an up to $50 range... but I just browsed Costco and their only item was $200?  At least Walmart has a variety of prices.)

It’s like there’s two sets of rules, and she administers them both: there’s her rules for herself and her rules for me.

I’m just tired of not being a priority in peoples lives. It’s been a bad habit of mine for years, and I need it to stop.

It feels like your biggest gripe is that you're not on the same team?  Or is it like the final straw that broke the camel's back?

[livednlearned]

Guys, do not try to understand paying $300 for a hair dryer 

It's not about the hair dryer. She wants to feel good, look good. Women are objectified within an inch of our lives and we are vulnerable to messaging about abc making us more xyz.

My takeaway from the example M604V gives is that she has double standards and it's painful to be in a chronic one-down position, trying to adjust the game to moving goal posts.

For my ex, it was expensive musical instruments. He fancied himself as a musician on stage surrounded by adoring fans. Yet he couldn't bring himself to overcome the social anxiety of leaving the house and performing in front of people. Instead he seemed to think if he had the best/correct/most perfect/most expensive ________ (ukulele, guitar, mandolin, banjo) then he would become famous and loved. Only then would his problems would go away.

When I protested paying $7K for an exotic mandolin (or equivalent) I was standing between him and everything he dreamed of. Even though those instruments were paid from our son's education account and eventually collected dust.

M604V, what I wonder with your situation is if she is finding what you refer to as "not dictating outcomes" as a sign of confidence, which she finds attractive.

Curious to hear your thoughts.

[M604V]

Brief recap:

Two years ago I was tired of my career and wanted a change.  She knew I wanted a change and we discussed it.  She didn't protest.  I applied to dozens of jobs but only got one offer.  She didn't feel it paid enough.  I turned it down.  I considered the idea of starting my own business, specifically getting licensed as a barber and opening my own shop.  She didn't protest.  I toured a local school.  She actually participated in the discussion and we talked about it.

Then I enrolled in the school and she blew her top.  "YOU'RE NOT SPENDING MY MONEY ON THIS!  THIS IS CRAZY! OVER MY DEAD BODY!" 

The next day I went to dis-enroll.  She said that wasn't necessary, adding: "You do what you have to do." I took it as a kind of endorsement but later learned it was hardly that.

We have one joint checking account into which both of our paychecks are deposited.  Years ago I tried to have a "house/bills/kids" account into which we would both contribute, with anything left over as personal play money.  She hated the idea, was almost disgusted by it.

A few years ago I sold the house that I bought before we met. I think I closed on the house after we had been dating like a week or two.  Anyway it was a nice windfall.  Some of that money went to barber school and some went into opening my barbershop. 

Thus far the shop has been very successful.  There has been little interruption in income; some weeks I make in one week what I made in two in my previous career. However she has refused to support it, show any excitement, visit me at work (seven minute drive door-to-door) or engage in any conversation except about money.  I've clearly stated my wants many times but she refuses to get on board, saying "I don't have to support the business because it wasn't my idea."

Debilitating alcoholism wasn't my idea, yet I steadfastly supported her into and through sobriety.

She told me she married a cop for stability and security.  Later I confronted her about that.  She clarified saying that she married a cop for the steady paycheck and the pension (read: money). 

We haven't experienced any real financial difficulty since I retired a year ago.  There's been a couple tight weeks, but we haven't missed any payments or skipped any meals. Yet, before we did/didn't experience any trouble she threatened the marriage saying "I'll divorce you if we run into money problems," or something like that.

She's alleged that I'm engaging in "financial secrecy" yet I've learned that she's run up thousands of dollars in credit card charges.  She's stated that my business will hurt her credit score, yet I have not one cent of debt on the business.

I think the issue goes beyond just "money".  Money is meant to be spent and, quite frankly, I have no problem with her spending money per se.  But I don't think the issue is money.  I think the issue is that I chose to do something with my life that has impeded her ability to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants.

The hair dryer? The hair dryer is just the latest saga.  Like I told her, at the end of the day I don't care that she bought something with which I don't agree.  She's a grown woman and I don't want to spend energy being her financial warden.  My problem is the total inconsistency between what she does, what she says and what she expects of me.  Furthermore, she behaves like I am forbidden from having an opinion or a feeling on the matter.  Or any other matter.  If I try and bring it up ("I'm confused.  You talk about your financial insecurities but you spent $300 on a hair dryer.") she deflects, moves the goalposts, makes snide comments and then walks away.  The mere prospect of any sort of reconciliation is completely out of the question.

Now fast forward 24 hours to tonight.  She comes home in a sullen mood.  Just grunts, one-word answers, etc.  I press the issue ("What's wrong?", "You seem upset.") and she replies: "It would have been better if I died on the way home."  Uh, okay.  I let it go. I'm not engaging in this, nor am I devoting the energy into interpreting it only for us to end up in a worse argument.

My issue? I don't know what the rules are because they are constantly changing.  Any attempt I make at establishing rules of my own are immediately rebuked.  She wants all of me and none of me at the same time.  She has no clue what she wants but she needs me around just in case someone needs to be punished.  I don't know what the formula is, the formula to a peaceful marriage.  If it winds up 60/40 so be it.  If I have to bend and sacrifice that's fine.  But things need to be delineated first, and she'll never go for that.  She'd rather just let it shrivel and die.

[ForeverDad]

I meant to comment on your spouse's double standard, her versus you.

Back in my youth my step-grandmother always had a bit of a smile on her face.  I was clueless then but I look back and wonder whether it was pasted on.  Well, I grew up and spent over 20 years as a religious volunteer.  My funds were tight all those years, I can't count the times I walked for miles in NYC just to save the cost of a subway ride.  Once when I was was still single I had returned home on a vacation and I recall just once, as he and I were on his sidewalk returning to his home, he gave me a folded $5 bill and asked me not to tell his wife.  Notice how my mother explained it in the post below.  He was a pleasant soul, an avid gardener and I treasured that, but that was the only monetary gift he ever gave me.

Her perspective is an entitled one.  Of course she likes ideas that are in her favor.  And of course your thoughts don't matter, if she can get away with it.

As my mother enlightened me when my grandfather had given me $5, just the once, and asked me not to tell his wife, my step-grandmother... "Her money is her money, his money is their money."

In the final months of my marriage, I went with my spouse and young son to buy a car as my old one was on its last legs.  Surprise, she refused to sign as co-owner.  No big deal.  But when I applied for a loan from my work's retirement plan, she refused to sign a standard J&S paper to confirm she knew it would impact the retirement.  That really angered the dealer.  So I had to go to a family friend's bank and get a car loan at a higher cost.  One of the terms was that I had to deposit my paycheck at their bank.  Oh, she was monstrously enraged and demanded I cancel my separate checking account.  She didn't care that wasn't possible.  Although she was not a spendthrift, she couldn't imagine not having that control.  Need I say that her demands only got worse and a couple months later I ended up calling the police and that marked the end of our lives together?

Many of us here have experienced "the double standard rules that apply to me but not to my spouse".