How do you deal with running away?

[Winter7399]

I have posted previously about my daughter running away. She comes back for a day or so, and then is gone again as soon as you turn your back or go to sleep.

She is 17 and has formed an intense relationship with a 20 year old who is on crack. They often run off together to London (about 2.5 hours from where we are). She does this for days at a time and only seems to come back to get a proper sleep and then she’s off again. We call the police every time but they don’t have much luck looking in London! She doesn’t communicate with me at all when she is away.

If she isn’t already, I feel like she is going to be hooked on crack herself as it’s only a matter of time. She will not respect any rules or boundaries of the household, she just leaves.

Ive even gone so far as hiding all her shoes to keep her in but she just goes barefoot! My aunt who helped raise her passed away this week and she didn’t even care to stop and come to the funeral with me. She has no empathy.

I feel like I can’t sit by and watch her become a drug addict but I can’t physically keep her in or get through to her at all.

I’m in the UK but our family live in Ireland. I’ve been considering just sending her for her annual Christmas visit and not telling her that she isn’t coming back. I can pack up the house while she is away and move over after Christmas.

Do many of you find this type of extreme change to be helpful? I don’t expect it to solve everything but at least I would have some support and she would be away from this man. I also have a 2 year old so am really struggling on my own.

Any advice appreciated x

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Winter7399
I really do think the chance to change the environment can be an opportunity for a reboot. The only think though is that I am not sure about not telling her. If the change would suit you, why not just tell dd you are moving back and she is welcome to move back too?

My hunch is dd will not come straight away - but when things get tough she could possibly choose to come over to you and stay. I would have worked things this way if I had the opportunity to make such a change.

Also yes I am very familiar with the running off constantly. Looking back, I feel fairly certain my dd has ADHD as well as BPD. She was diagnosed with BPD 'among other things' but never treated for ADHD. I think this would have made a big difference.

[Winter7399]

The main reason for not telling her is that I cannot legally leave her in another country, nor would I want to. She is infatuated with this boy and will not go willingly meaning that if she knows this is the case, she’ll just be sure to run away before we go. We won’t be able to leave her and so will therefore have already moved out of our home and paid for a new one and be stuck in limbo

[Pook075]

The main reason for not telling her is that I cannot legally leave her in another country, nor would I want to. She is infatuated with this boy and will not go willingly meaning that if she knows this is the case, she’ll just be sure to run away before we go. We won’t be able to leave her and so will therefore have already moved out of our home and paid for a new one and be stuck in limbo

Why not try a different tactic?  While she's gone this time, change the locks on the house and call the police if she tries to break in.

[Sancho]

Hi Winter7399
I understand. I was just concerned that the plan to move without telling her until later could really trigger a worse situation. Can you leave legally when she is 18 and if so when would that be?

At the moment the situation is that you can't control dd's coming and going (unless you lock her out, which is not what I would do at this age), but you are there for her and she has a base to come back to. After years of my dd coming and going I settled for knowing that she had a base - which was really important when she was in situations of domestic violence.

If it was possible for me, I would make that base somewhere else, away from all her connections. It sounds possible for you to do this, but it might have to be when it is legally possible. At that point in time, you could let her know you are moving in xxxx months, she can come with you or if she wishes to stay that's her choice.

I'd also say if she chooses to stay then if she changes her mind you are willing to pay her air fare.

Sorry for being long winded - I just think that having a plan that is out in the open is the best option - it is always better for someone with BPD to be straightforward and honest as much as possible I think because they need to have a connection based on trust even when they are 'off the show' so to speak.

[Winter7399]

Why not try a different tactic?  While she's gone this time, change the locks on the house and call the police if she tries to break in.

I’m legally required to provide her with food and shelter but I also don’t think my heart could take it. Police have said that I can make boundaries such as doors will be locked at 9pm, and if I suspect she is high, I don’t have to let her in so that’s all I can do for now

[Winter7399]

Winter7399
I understand. I was just concerned that the plan to move without telling her until later could really trigger a worse situation. Can you leave legally when she is 18 and if so when would that be?

At the moment the situation is that you can't control dd's coming and going (unless you lock her out, which is not what I would do at this age), but you are there for her and she has a base to come back to. After years of my dd coming and going I settled for knowing that she had a base - which was really important when she was in situations of domestic violence.

If it was possible for me, I would make that base somewhere else, away from all her connections. It sounds possible for you to do this, but it might have to be when it is legally possible. At that point in time, you could let her know you are moving in xxxx months, she can come with you or if she wishes to stay that's her choice.

I'd also say if she chooses to stay then if she changes her mind you are willing to pay her air fare.

Sorry for being long winded - I just think that having a plan that is out in the open is the best option - it is always better for someone with BPD to be straightforward and honest as much as possible I think because they need to have a connection based on trust even when they are 'off the show' so to speak.

She won’t be 18 for another 10 months. Moving home wasn’t only for her, my Aunt just passed and left behind 2 autistic sons who need support as well. We don’t have any other support here for when she is off the rails like this and it’s tough to deal with alongside a 2 year old. Moving would be best for everyone but I feel trapped here and I am not coping.

I understand your points about being honest and I always have been up to this point  but I genuinely feel like her life depends on getting her out of this situation so it feels justified but I’m never sure about anything anymore.

[Sancho]

You know your dd and the situation better than anyone, and I think follow your instincts here. There is a lot to support a plan for a change as the only option that may make some difference for dd and really would make a difference for you and your toddler- the points I see are:
- this has been going on for a long time
- you have little or no support in dealing with it
- you have a toddler to care for in the middle of all this, with no support for that responsibility either

There is also the fact that, if dd does go off about not coming back, then she will be 18 in a few months and can make her own decisions. In the meantime she will be in another environment and even if she does head off, she will have a familiar base to come back to.

I say trust yourself. A couple of thoughts - one is to plan carefully and especially how you frame telling dd there is no return ticket.

The second thought is that if dd is using currently, she might not want to go over for Christmas as she wouldn't want to be away from the supply source. Do you think there is a possibility dd might just refuse to go?

After years of dealing with this you must be exhausted and trying to think this through must seem impossible. I hope you can keep thinking it through though, because opportunities for change can be very important. I would have taken such an opportunity if I had been able to and things could have been different.

[kells76]

These are heartbreaking situations. It makes a lot of sense what options you're thinking about right now.

Like Sancho mentions,

having a plan that is out in the open is the best option - it is always better for someone with BPD to be straightforward and honest as much as possible I think because they need to have a connection based on trust even when they are 'off the show' so to speak.

Maybe there's a compromise option. When you all go together for the holidays, once you get there, maybe you can have a conversation with her that you're thinking of moving there, and ask her if she'd like to come with you. As much as you'd like to move right now -- and you will, if she wants to come along -- her perspective is important to you, and if she doesn't want to at the moment, you hear that and will take that into account. You need her to know, though, that you will be moving at some point, and she is always welcome to come with you, and you will cover all the costs of the move. You can invite her to think about how the holiday goes -- maybe she really enjoys certain family members -- and at any point if she says "yes, I want to move", you'll help with that.

I'd be worried that if it were a "gotcha" situation, that she would simply find a bad crowd where you move to, or run away again wherever you move to, to "punish" you for the "betrayal".

Planning for the next 10 months sounds like your top priority right now. Even though the age of majority is arbitrary in certain ways (it's not like our kids' brains suddenly become mature at age 18), there are legal implications for before and after that happens. Making a plan for fulfilling your responsibilities while she's a minor, and then making a different plan for when she's legally an adult, may help. While each situation is different, you may want to approach her one way until she's 18 and another way when she's older. For example, you may want to always "keep an open door" for her for the next 10 months, but inform her that she needs to know that when she's an adult, she needs to be responsible for her own place to stay. I would lean away from locking her out while she's still a minor -- though again, each situation is different.

It also makes sense that this does feel like life or death, and so of course you're considering extreme options, and you have your own energy and safety to consider, as well as your 2 year old's interests.

Glad you're here talking this through. It's so difficult and I'm glad you have a bit of time before Christmas to weigh the pros and cons of the options.

[Winter7399]

I do take your points and I wouldn’t expect that she would forgive me easily for ‘tricking’ her. I am worried about irreparable damage being done to our relationship or that she will even become suicidal without this boy.

On the other side, I just don’t know how to sit by the sidelines and watch her become a drug addict, pregnant by a drug addict or worse.

Taking her away will either be the best choice or the worst choice. Staying will either be the same or get worse.

I know that the betrayal may cause her to resent me and push her further away. At the same time, I feel I could manage this better with more of a support system.My sister is a psych nurse and can fast track her to some useful therapy if she wants to engage.I have friends that have offered to give her a job. Babysitters for when I have to drive to wherever she is passed out so I can pick her up.

I know it’s not a quick fix solution though and you guys are right in many ways. In 10 months I won’t have any say if she wants to move away and do whatever she wants with her life. It just hurts to see her go down this path and I feel so helpless

[kells76]

This is so difficult 

It sounds really promising that your sister is a psych nurse. What has she suggested so far, knowing your D's situation?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Winter7399]

She has a former colleague and now friend who offers CBT and DBT therapy from home. My daughter has also had suicidal stints in the past and she would often wish we were over there as she said she would be able to get a referral to a crisis unit and ongoing treatment. We have been offered very little here as the service is so overwhelmed. The mental health team gave her one online session and she didn’t engage so they discharged her and we were on our own again.

[Sancho]

Hi Winter7399
There is so much potential for support etc over there! I can see in the discussion that you have really thought of all the pros and cons of the possible plan. The reason why this has come to mind is no doubt that dd would not agree to move in spite of all the positive possibilities. As you mention the plus side is;

- support at all levels for both you and dd - and your little one
- some distance from the crowd she is currently involved with and especially her male friend
 - opportunities for work/therapy
- it is a period of time - 10 months in fact - when all these doors can open.
- If dd refuses to engage in any of these possibilities, she is free to make her decisions in just 10 months time (it's not as though she is tied to this decision for a long period of time.
- It makes a move to a better scene hopefully before there is a pregnancy, and you are faced with the complication of 'Do I move back and leave a vulnerable daughter and grandchild?'

The negative is:
- dd would possibly be furious/cut me off etc etc/respond in a suicidal manner

I have wanted to move for many years. Each time when I thought things were getting to the point where I could do so, something cropped up. The last time was 13 years ago when dd announced she was pregnant.

It comes down to whether the positive possibilities outweigh the negative risk. One thing that I don't think young people think about is the fact that if/when they become pregnant they can be obliged to stay in the same country/state as the other parent unless the other agrees to the move. That' s how it is here.

You know your dd well and how she would react. I am thinking that even if she reacts really badly, the fact that it's a 10 month timeframe might help her to hold it together - and in that 10 months the change and the opportunities might make all the difference.

Thank you for posting. The discussion has set me thinking a lot about my own situation.

[kells76]

She has a former colleague and now friend who offers CBT and DBT therapy from home. My daughter has also had suicidal stints in the past and she would often wish we were over there as she said she would be able to get a referral to a crisis unit and ongoing treatment. We have been offered very little here as the service is so overwhelmed. The mental health team gave her one online session and she didn’t engage so they discharged her and we were on our own again.

Is the "she" wishing you were over there your sister, or your daughter?

Hoping it's your D -- any wish for treatment sounds like a good open door.

[Winter7399]

Hi Winter7399
There is so much potential for support etc over there! I can see in the discussion that you have really thought of all the pros and cons of the possible plan. The reason why this has come to mind is no doubt that dd would not agree to move in spite of all the positive possibilities. As you mention the plus side is;

- support at all levels for both you and dd - and your little one
- some distance from the crowd she is currently involved with and especially her male friend
 - opportunities for work/therapy
- it is a period of time - 10 months in fact - when all these doors can open.
- If dd refuses to engage in any of these possibilities, she is free to make her decisions in just 10 months time (it's not as though she is tied to this decision for a long period of time.
- It makes a move to a better scene hopefully before there is a pregnancy, and you are faced with the complication of 'Do I move back and leave a vulnerable daughter and grandchild?'

The negative is:
- dd would possibly be furious/cut me off etc etc/respond in a suicidal manner

I have wanted to move for many years. Each time when I thought things were getting to the point where I could do so, something cropped up. The last time was 13 years ago when dd announced she was pregnant.

It comes down to whether the positive possibilities outweigh the negative risk. One thing that I don't think young people think about is the fact that if/when they become pregnant they can be obliged to stay in the same country/state as the other parent unless the other agrees to the move. That' s how it is here.

You know your dd well and how she would react. I am thinking that even if she reacts really badly, the fact that it's a 10 month timeframe might help her to hold it together - and in that 10 months the change and the opportunities might make all the difference.

Thank you for posting. The discussion has set me thinking a lot about my own situation.

I’m glad if my thought process was helpful in any way, yours has certainly been for me as well. Especially as my daughter has just announced that her and this boy are actively trying to get pregnant as HE really wants a baby. She has never wanted a baby and has never had the patience with her little sister. She’s admitted that she doesn’t actually want on but thinks it will keep him from leaving her and that he’ll get mad at her if she changes her mind.

I’ve been crying and begging her all day to change her mind, even to go on contraception and not tell him while she thinks about it. I have her flight booked for the 19th of Dec so I just have to make it to then. This has made me more sure than ever that her decisions are destructive. It’s one thing to hurt yourself, another to consider having a baby you know you don’t want just to please a drug addict felon.

[Winter7399]

Is the "she" wishing you were over there your sister, or your daughter?

Hoping it's your D -- any wish for treatment sounds like a good open door.

She as in my sister. My daughter does have low points and often wanted to move before but this boy has changed everything

[kells76]

That has to be difficult to listen to her saying that she doesn't really want a baby but would do it to "keep" her bf.

It's good to hear that you have her ticket booked for the 19th. That gives you a finish line to hope for. Just a few more weeks.

Does your D know that she has her ticket booked?

This may sound like a strange approach, but some pwBPD seem to find resolution to stubbornly do something if they feel resistance from others. Kind of like -- they don't really know where they end and others begin (poor sense of self and porous boundaries), so if they encounter resistance to something they say or do, maybe it's like "aha! Now I feel more secure by feeling this resistance". And they double down on whatever is causing the conflict -- because it generates "boundaries" or a "sense of self".

If she feels you are fighting her about her having the baby, it might contribute to her stubbornly deciding "well now it's settled, I'm doing it". I'm not saying it's your responsibility! More just trying to describe how some pwBPD seem to respond to opposition by "doubling down".

So I wonder what it'd be like for you to try a more neutral approach -- when she says stuff like "I don't want the baby but I'll do it to keep him", if instead of begging her not to, you said "babies are wonderful! You were such a cute baby. They're so much work, do you think it would be you or BF getting up for the feedings at night?"

Something where she can't get a fight from you any more, and you are planting some seeds for her to think about.

[Winter7399]

Yes, she knows the ticket is booked but believes it is a normal Xmas visit to her grandma which she does every year.

I get what you mean about the boundaries, and it does often feel like she’ll do the opposite of whatever I say! I did try to ask/beg her to change her mind rather than tell her cause it is still her body at the end of the day and like you said, if I become angry with her, it will just drive her more to him.

She has an appointment with the nurse on Tuesday about contraception, I’m just praying she’ll come to her senses.