Help strategizing for separation, divorce, and child custody

[Levity22]

Hey there, thanks for reading. I’m currently married to a man who exhibits many BPD traits. Our relationship has been pretty tumultuous and my mom, who is a LCSW, believes he has BPD and possibly ASPD. There was an incident a couple of months ago that escalated to threats to kill my cat. I asked him to start therapy after that, but he said he would decide if/when that was necessary. So I took the cat to my mom’s and started doing legal consults.

My primary concern is ensuring a stable home environment for our 16-month old daughter.

He has a documented hx of some  issues… a prolonged involuntary psych admission as a teenager, some time in juvenile detention, a felony DV charge for hitting his first wife 20 years ago. He also tried to purchase firearms illegally in my name last year, and I have evidence of that. I think all of that will help me in a custody battle, but he has made it clear that he will fight me for as much time as possible.

I am the primary parent but we both work from home and interact with our daughter regularly. We have a nanny (who I hired) who comes 20 hrs/wk. I prepare most meals, take care of laundry, hygiene, sick days, medical appointments, etc. I don’t work Fridays so I often take her to see my family. His family lives out of state and our daughter has never met them.

What I would like is to leave him the house (which he can afford and I can’t) and take my daughter to my mom’s (2 hours away, same state, different county), and file for divorce and a temp PP that grants him supervised visits 1 day/wk (no overnights because she still nurses at night). I work remotely and my mom can provide childcare. Does that seem reasonable and likely to be approved in court?

I guess my other main question is, what is the best way to actually leave? I believe if I tell him I’m leaving with our daughter, he will escalate and potentially become unsafe. I know if that happens, I can call the police and file for a protection order, but I’d prefer to keep things calm. All of the attorneys I’ve spoken to seem to lean towards the idea of me leaving in secret with minimal belongings and filing as quickly as possible. That sounds a little crazy to me… Does it seem like what the situation necessitates?

Any feedback, advice, or help strategizing is appreciated. I’m also reading Splitting right now for additional insight.

[SaltyDawg]

Hey there, thanks for reading. I’m currently married to a man who exhibits many BPD traits. Our relationship has been pretty tumultuous and my mom, who is a LCSW, believes he has BPD and possibly ASPD. There was an incident a couple of months ago that escalated to threats to kill my cat. I asked him to start therapy after that, but he said he would decide if/when that was necessary. So I took the cat to my mom’s and started doing legal consults.

My primary concern is ensuring a stable home environment for our 16-month old daughter.

He has a documented hx of some  issues… a prolonged involuntary psych admission as a teenager, some time in juvenile detention, a felony DV charge for hitting his first wife 20 years ago. He also tried to purchase firearms illegally in my name last year, and I have evidence of that. I think all of that will help me in a custody battle, but he has made it clear that he will fight me for as much time as possible.

I am the primary parent but we both work from home and interact with our daughter regularly. We have a nanny (who I hired) who comes 20 hrs/wk. I prepare most meals, take care of laundry, hygiene, sick days, medical appointments, etc. I don’t work Fridays so I often take her to see my family. His family lives out of state and our daughter has never met them.

What I would like is to leave him the house (which he can afford and I can’t) and take my daughter to my mom’s (2 hours away, same state, different county), and file for divorce and a temp PP that grants him supervised visits 1 day/wk (no overnights because she still nurses at night). I work remotely and my mom can provide childcare. Does that seem reasonable and likely to be approved in court?

I guess my other main question is, what is the best way to actually leave? I believe if I tell him I’m leaving with our daughter, he will escalate and potentially become unsafe. I know if that happens, I can call the police and file for a protection order, but I’d prefer to keep things calm. All of the attorneys I’ve spoken to seem to lean towards the idea of me leaving in secret with minimal belongings and filing as quickly as possible. That sounds a little crazy to me… Does it seem like what the situation necessitates?

Any feedback, advice, or help strategizing is appreciated. I’m also reading Splitting right now for additional insight.

Levity22,

   Welcome to the family.

   "Splitting" is an excellent resource, it has a quick reference guide in the front of the book.

   Due to his historical patterns, which are a strong indicator of future behaviours, make a safety plan for yourself, an example can be found here at https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/safety-first-dv-1.pdf.  Consider getting a body camera (around $100 from amazon) to document his behaviors when you leave.

   One of my mantra's is "Hope/Pray for the best; however, plan for the worst" which dovetails with my other mantra of the 7 "P's" - Proper Prior Planning Prevents Pi$$ Poor Performance.

   It sounds like you have a good exit strategy, and I agree with your attorney of leaving quietly, possibly on a Friday when you visit your mother, just don't come back.  Move your irreplaceable sentimental possessions, and important paperwork to your mother's on the Friday visits (small enough where he won't likely notice) prior to executing your plan - have a believable excuse if he does notice.

   Once he figures out you are not coming back, you have a 2-hour physical boundary in place; however, do plan on him demanding you to come back to him.  Try to have this discussion over the phone; however, if he comes to you and demands to do it in person, make sure you do this in a public place (lots of witnesses) with a friend or your mom like a restaurant, or public library, make sure your camera is fully charged and works (pre-test it once you get it).  Do not do this at your mom's house, your house, where there are no witnesses, also avoid public parks.

   Regarding your plan, it sounds reasonable to me; however, be mindful, that most courts will default to 50/50 parenting time unless there is something significant he has done recently against the child, like within the past 6 months.  Get as much physical proof of what you have said the DV charge, and records of his juvi time and hospitalization if you can.  Take photos with your cell phone of any and all papers before you execute your plan on leaving, because once he knows of your intentions don't expect to have any access to any of that.  Your attorneys would be a good source on what to document.

   With all of this, please make sure you do self-care, whatever that might look like for you, which for me includes my own individual therapist to help me sort out my feelings.

   Read, ask questions, let us know how it goes.

   Take care with self-care.

SD

[ForeverDad]

Our best handbook on high conflict separation and divorce is William Eddy's "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder".  Let someone else order it so he doesn't see it on your orders/payments nor get delivered to your door where he might get it.  It's inexpensive.

One difficulty we all have is that we're too fair, an otherwise excellent quality.  Your priorities now are yourself and your child.  He's an adult, let him figure things out for himself.

For example, your thought to leave him the house would let him gladly accept your Leverage to wheel and deal for aspects you will need.  In this case it is whatever marital equity there is in the house, whatever value has accumulated in the home since it was bought or the marriage started.  An experienced lawyer will have strategies to have the least negative impact on your financial and custodial circumstances.  Get a few legal consultations so you can determine which one is the best fit for you.  Splitting lists how to do all these steps with the least risk of falling into common traps.

It is good that you nurse your child.  However that alone is not a convincing reason for family court to limit overnights or require supervised visits.  Many courts would tell a mother to express her milk, freeze it and pass it along at exchanges.

So ponder what his poor behaviors have been.  While all poor behaviors may be included, those impacting you would be of the adult relationship, court cares most about parenting, impacts to the child. Which incidents would have the most impact on the child?  Have dates, locations, what happened and other details.  Courts often ignore as hearsay vague claims such as "he always..." or "she always..."

So if/when you do leave, take your child with you.  The days and weeks of initial separation are a sort of "no man's land" where there are no court orders yet. Until temp orders are issued the parent in possession often decides the interim parenting.  If he doesn't agree to your terms (and are enforceable) then you keep possession so you remain in control of parenting.  Even if he calls the police, they'll just refer him to family court since without him having a court order in hand they won't support or enable a child exchange if you refuse.  (I've been there, done that, I had to wait three months without visitation for court to issue a new temp order when the prior one ended.  This was my experience in my area, seek your own local legal advice.)

Beware of such sacrificing yourself such as above thinking where you would Gift him the house without a similar corresponding negotiation in your favor.

If you were trying to rebuild trust in the marriage then you would share information.  With the failed marriage your priority is different.  You would continue sharing appropriate parenting information but everything else would have to be examined closely before you blurt it out.  Think of it as TMI (too much information) that he could use to sabotage you or your plans.  If you're used to talking about everything, this will be a big change for you so you don't enable him to use information against you.

Needless to say, regardless how he may accuse, vent or say whatever to you, you must always be careful not to do anything that would make you appear a poor person or poor parent.  No shouting matches, threats or throwing things.

[GaGrl]

Have you engaged a lawyer yet? If so, what is your L saying about how best to leave?

You might want to leave on a Friday with arrangements for your H to be served with the petition for divorce that afternoon -- this might include a restraining order.

I agree with the advice to get important papers/documents, sentimental items, valuable items (jewelry), out of the house as discretely as possible in advance of leaving. If you can load photos on an external hard drive or in the cloud, you can protect those.

[Levity22]

Thank you for all this advice! I hadn’t thought of a body camera, but that does seem like a useful tool.

I also appreciate the affirmation that a stealthy exit seems like the way to go. I feel hesitant about this because it will certainly fuel a big reaction. I think he will try to make the legal claim that I have kidnapped our daughter and use it against me in court. I guess this seems like a grey area… essentially just the “no man’s land” of pre-divorce separation.

I am definitely concerned I won’t have adequate grounds to achieve no overnights and only supervised visits for him. He is generally pretty good with our daughter, but he usually only has her for short periods of time on his own. He doesn’t usually provide meals (just snacks) and can be quite hands off, letting her wander while he’s doing projects. She fell off the back deck while with him one day (2 foot drop), and he actually knocked her off the deck with a blueberry bush by accident another time. He let her touch a gas fireplace at 6 months old and she got 2nd degree burns on 2 fingers. He also didn’t strap her into her bouncy chair one time and she fell out. She touched a live electrical outlet one time (while with me), but I thought the electricity was turned off because my BPDh had been working on installing new outlets. He then gaslit me about this, telling me I did know it was live. He has made a lot of our house a hazardous project zone by starting projects and leaving them unfinished. He’ll let her go outside in the cold with only a diaper or onesie on and play in the dog’s water bowl. He’ll yank things away from her sometimes or just get up and walk away and sort of hide if she’s annoying him. He has occasionally made inappropriate comments to her… “Don’t pull on my f***ing shirt,” or “you don’t have anything to cry about. That’s just spoiled,” or talking to her about “your mother’s many cruelties.” He sometimes gets angry when she wakes up at night and complains about me nursing her, saying it’s a crutch and if I didn’t do it she would sleep through the night. But he won’t let me sleep in a different room with her. I tried to move into her bedroom with her and he moved the mattress downstairs, saying I was trying to put space between them and called me a “cold, unfeeling c***.” One time he was upset because she was restless and turned the lights on at 3am and she was awake for 2 hours. It turned out she was restless because she was getting a cold. Hiding gifts from my mom or complaining about the quality of handmade baby blankets from my family members. Not letting me take her trick-or-treating because he was feeling threatened I was going to leave with her. Hiding her car seat from me for 2 days for the same reason, so we couldn’t go out to the store. Do any of these things have any legal bearing?

He also self medicates with marijuana/tobacco throughout the day (and night), but we live in WA state where this is legal so I don’t know that this amounts to much.

I honestly don’t care about the house or belongings. We bought it less than 2 years ago and don’t have much equity. There are a few pieces of furniture or kitchen things it would be convenient to keep, but if walking away from them gives me a better chance of keeping my daughter in my care, it’s totally worth it.

I haven’t engaged a lawyer yet. Haven’t found one that seems like a good fit. I’m essentially planning on a parenting evaluation as part of my strategy, but my BPDh is very high functioning when not triggered/escalated and can come across as sweet, shy and charming sometimes.

I’ve wondered if I need to stay longer and work on setting boundaries/documenting his response to have more to work with. But it seems like I might just need to wait for him to be inappropriate with my daughter??

[livednlearned]

There was an incident a couple of months ago that escalated to threats to kill my cat.

I can understand why you would feel scared and I'm so sorry you had to go through that. My ex threw our dog and it was something I never really got over. Using a pet to hurt someone is hard to make sense of.

If you feel ok sharing, what led up to the threat? Was he angry at something he (perceived) you did?

I asked him to start therapy after that, but he said he would decide if/when that was necessary. So I took the cat to my mom’s and started doing legal consults.

What is his demeanor now, and how did he respond when you relocated your cat?

My primary concern is ensuring a stable home environment for our 16-month old daughter.

How would you describe his parenting? What concerns you most about him as a parent?

he has made it clear that he will fight me for as much time as possible.

It's probably safe to say he will fight you, period.  

What I would like is to leave him the house (which he can afford and I can’t) and take my daughter to my mom’s (2 hours away, same state, different county), and file for divorce and a temp PP that grants him supervised visits 1 day/wk (no overnights because she still nurses at night). I work remotely and my mom can provide childcare. Does that seem reasonable and likely to be approved in court?

There's a lot to unpack here. No one here can give you legal advice, but we can help you think aloud and share what happened in our situations.

Every state is different so how things work will depend on where you live. It's understandable that you're thinking ahead but when you involve lawyers and custody it's important to know the order of things, starting with what comes first.

In general, your first order of business is to plan a safe way to leave while following sound legal advice so you don't create a legal problem while trying to solve a safety problem. When you file for divorce, typically your partner will be served and there will be a short period of time for him to retain a lawyer. In the meantime, it's best to have him communicate with your L. Your L will explain how things will work in the interim while everyone gets organized and next steps come into view.

Your partner will most likely try to persuade you to come home and if he's fully dysregulated, could threaten you. Have a plan for how you will interact with him (or not). You may want your mom to monitor his messages and have a male companion stay at her house if there isn't someone there already. It might make sense to let the local DV shelter know that you have some concerns, or go to local law enforcement and find out if there are things you can do in advance, like open a file. Anything that helps you feel more safe.

Maybe ask your L for advice on recording your partner if he shows up unannounced. My state was a one-party consent state but my L didn't like the idea of recording him (plus, there was plenty of documented evidence by email and text). However, she did say to hold up my phone to show I could be recording and that worked like pixie dust to de-escalate situations where my ex became menacing.
 

my other main question is, what is the best way to actually leave? I believe if I tell him I’m leaving with our daughter, he will escalate and potentially become unsafe. I know if that happens, I can call the police and file for a protection order, but I’d prefer to keep things calm. All of the attorneys I’ve spoken to seem to lean towards the idea of me leaving in secret with minimal belongings and filing as quickly as possible. That sounds a little crazy to me… Does it seem like what the situation necessitates?

Your attorneys are giving you the exact same advice I received. They've been to this rodeo many times. People like us who end up in these situations are frogs in the proverbial hot pot of water. Lawyers are often pointing out what we have trouble realizing, which is that the pot is boiling. 

The MOSAIC assessment can help you with this.

It's better to err on the side of listening to your instincts and leave as safely as you can. It's unfortunate that he works from home -- I'm guessing you are not alone at home very often?

Any feedback, advice, or help strategizing is appreciated. I’m also reading Splitting right now for additional insight.

Gavin de Becker's book Gift of Fear has an excellent chapter on the ins and outs of protective orders. It will help you understand in very clear terms what you do and don't get with a PO (if it gets to that). In general, a PO will help you legally but it can in some circumstances make things less safe.

Another book that I found helpful for deprogramming my mindset about abuse was Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft.

Your partner isn't a safe person and you deserve to feel safe. I'm glad you're reaching out for support from people who understand what you're going through.

If it's any consolation, my ex scored pretty high on the Mosaic assessment and I left with our son and stayed in an undisclosed location. Once there was a lot of sunlight on our situation, n/BPDx became almost charming, like there was some kind of misunderstanding and he only wanted what was best for me. If your partner has some narcissism in there, it can be of some benefit although it's splitting hairs given how hard these divorces can be.

Keep posting and learning. This site was more helpful than anything else I had in my life at the time because it helped check my thinking and hold it up against what lawyers, therapists, friends, and family were saying. It's hard to understand what these experiences are like unless people have walked in your shoes.

 

Hang in there. You're doing great, making good choices despite how sideways everything is going. We're pulling for you.

[ForeverDad]

I also appreciate the affirmation that a stealthy exit seems like the way to go. I feel hesitant about this because it will certainly fuel a big reaction. I think he will try to make the legal claim that I have kidnapped our daughter and use it against me in court. I guess this seems like a grey area… essentially just the “no man’s land” of pre-divorce separation.

He can claim whatever he wants (and will) but the reality is that you can't kidnap your own child, especially when there are no court orders stating otherwise.  Know your legal rights.  Your lawyer should be clear about that.

I am definitely concerned I won’t have adequate grounds to achieve no overnights and only supervised visits for him. He is generally pretty good with our daughter, but he usually only has her for short periods of time on his own. He doesn’t usually provide meals (just snacks) and can be quite hands off, letting her wander while he’s doing projects. She fell off the back deck while with him one day (2 foot drop), and he actually knocked her off the deck with a blueberry bush by accident another time. He let her touch a gas fireplace at 6 months old and she got 2nd degree burns on 2 fingers. He also didn’t strap her into her bouncy chair one time and she fell out. She touched a live electrical outlet one time (while with me), but I thought the electricity was turned off because my BPDh had been working on installing new outlets. He then gaslit me about this, telling me I did know it was live. He has made a lot of our house a hazardous project zone by starting projects and leaving them unfinished. He’ll let her go outside in the cold with only a diaper or onesie on and play in the dog’s water bowl. He’ll yank things away from her sometimes or just get up and walk away and sort of hide if she’s annoying him. He has occasionally made inappropriate comments to her… “Don’t pull on my f***ing shirt,” or “you don’t have anything to cry about. That’s just spoiled,” or talking to her about “your mother’s many cruelties.” He sometimes gets angry when she wakes up at night and complains about me nursing her, saying it’s a crutch and if I didn’t do it she would sleep through the night. But he won’t let me sleep in a different room with her. I tried to move into her bedroom with her and he moved the mattress downstairs, saying I was trying to put space between them and called me a “cold, unfeeling c***.” One time he was upset because she was restless and turned the lights on at 3am and she was awake for 2 hours. It turned out she was restless because she was getting a cold. Hiding gifts from my mom or complaining about the quality of handmade baby blankets from my family members. Not letting me take her trick-or-treating because he was feeling threatened I was going to leave with her. Hiding her car seat from me for 2 days for the same reason, so we couldn’t go out to the store. Do any of these things have any legal bearing?

Besides discussing this with your attorney, also speak with children's protective services (for the minor child) and your local DV agency (for you as the adult).  Some of those incidents sound actionable but those agencies can detail their policies.  They may want to make an unannounced home visit (don't warn him!) to see for themselves, but will you have separated by then?  Likely it would be unsafe to remain there when the investigators depart.

Did you take your daughter to doctors, urgent care or hospitals?  Then the burns or other incidents may already be on record with them.

When I was in the midst of my own separation, my local court wasn't interested in my conflict incidents older than 6 months before.  If there were incidents involving child endangerment, there might not be any time limits.

Very important, as I indicated in my prior post, don't announce your intentions to leave.  (This is not the time to give "fair notice".  That is tempting fate to get yourself sabotaged.)  Just do it then when you're in a safe place you can inform him.

If he earns more than you, then court may eventually order him to pay support for you and/or the child.  Do you share bank accounts?  Legally you may have a right to exit and take half of all joint accounts but I haven't heard of any departing spouse getting consequences for taking more than half in their time of need for safety.  The worst if anything could be when, near the end of the divorce, likely months away, the lawyers sit down and hammer out the final financial details for the final decree.

[Levity22]

If you feel ok sharing, what led up to the threat? Was he angry at something he (perceived) you did?
 
What is his demeanor now, and how did he respond when you relocated your cat?

How would you describe his parenting? What concerns you most about him as a parent?

The treats to kill the cat started with something he perceived as me placing blame and then excluding him, which triggered a scapegoat wound from his upbringing. He felt I was trying to blame him and the dog for the cat having scratched our daughter. It was very superficial and not a big deal for any of us. But any suggestion of blame or even shared responsibility does not go well. There was a lot that went on that night. He told me to leave the house without our daughter, threatened to file for divorce, repeatedly slammed my office window shut when I tried to leave it open for the cat to come home, threatened to board it up if I opened it again. He made a lot of intimidating gestures and statements that were just not okay. At one point, a couple of weeks later, he briefly and begrudgingly acknowledged that he was out of line that night, but since then has gone about rationalizing his behaviors and placing blame on me and the cat for “getting his daughter cut.” After I relocated the cat, he did not openly acknowledged his absence for a couple of weeks.

I guess I would describe his parenting as superficial, which is sort of how I would describe him as a partner. He seems to enjoy (prefer) time with her in small doses. I think he likes to look like a very involved father and will be more attentive with others around. But even at a party or event, I’m the default parent to feed her, change her, etc. I think he takes it for granted that I will spend time with her while he does other (seemingly preferred) activities. Even on days of, he doesn’t necessarily choose to spend much time with her. If I have a day off, I would tell the nanny not to come. If he has a day off, he’ll work on the house.

I wrote out a bunch of concrete example of things that worry me in the post just above yours, but I guess what concerns me most about him as a parent is the potential for parental alienation. I believe he will do this, and really already does when he’s angry with me. It is something he has also done to me with my mother. He has rewritten the story of my upbringing, telling me my mom didn’t care about my needs/desires and  told me what I wanted and needed my whole life, and as a result I don’t stand up for myself and just adopt all of her opinions. I’m pretty sure he’ll make up something like this about me to turn my daughter against me. As another example of this… I didn’t want to go to a 4th of July party with him so he told the people there I don’t like them.

I also believe he is emotionally stunted. He doesn’t care for himself like an adult or regulate his emotions like one, so I don’t know how he would be able to appropriately care for a child on his own. I don’t believe he wants that. I think he would feel resentful at the need to be more responsible and when things fell through the cracks, I believe he would get frustrated and impatient and take it out on our daughter. He can be very impatient and does not tolerate her distress well. When I first went back to work, I sometimes had long evening meetings and one ran 5 minutes over while he was having trouble soothing her, so he went upstairs and started jumping on the floor above my office. Once I went to yoga for 2 hours and left breastmilk in the fridge and freezer. Based on something I said, he assumed the milk in the fridge was expired and didn’t check the dates or thaw any frozen milk so when our daughter got hungry he blamed me for not providing and sent me a video of her crying. Even if we’re divorced, if he’s with her and responsible for her, he’ll find a way to blame someone else for anything that feels like a problem. And he has such low distress tolerance that he will perceive many, many things as problematic.

Did you manage to get a favorable parenting plan with your son?

[livednlearned]

The description of your partner's parenting style is similar to what my son's father was like. I'm so sorry you have to live through this, Levity22. And how he interacts with you when he's upset or feeling neglected -- I could've written something almost identical. It's good that you're reaching out for support and have started to learn how things work where you live.

I think he will try to make the legal claim that I have kidnapped our daughter and use it against me in court.

Like FD said above, kidnapping and abduction are legal terms that don't go into effect until the courts get involved. However, a lawyer will advise you on how to handle this threat (which will probably come, like you say). My L had me make contact with my ex the day I left with our child. I arranged phone contact between our son and n/BPDX a few hours after he came home from work to discover we were gone. Your daughter is young so the equivalent might be arranging a Facetime or Zoom call, even if your ex refuses to take it, just to document that you made the gesture. Having someone else handle the call might also be a good idea, since it's likely you he wants to talk to, and might say things to rattle you.

Do you think your partner will come to your mother's house to look for you? When I left, I moved into an apartment and my L explained I was not disclosing my location until emotions on both sides had settled and it felt safe to do so.

I guess what concerns me most about him as a parent is the potential for parental alienation.

He'll probably continue this but you have a lot of things going in your favor to help offset it. There are skills you can start using with your daughter even at 16 months that will go a long way to help her develop a rich emotional language about her own inner experience, helping her define who she is so it's not as easy for others to do so. It's much harder to believe a parent's PA hogwash when you trust your own feelings. Power of Validation for Parents is good, and so is Bill Eddy's Don't Alienate the Kids: Raising Emotionally Resilient Children When One Parent Has BPD/NPD.

My ex used to say "LnL loves the dog more than us" to my son, who began parroting this. It took time for me to figure out how to respond. Like a lot of people, I would deny it, "That's not true," which is not terribly effective because at that point you're on the battlefield. I started to say, "Only I can know how I feel," which had some impact but was still met with suspicion. It wasn't until I learned to say, "Wow, ouch. That has to hurt -- how did you feel when daddy said that?" that we began to connect where it mattered. Hundreds and thousands and millions of moments happen like that as kids grow and they build into a strong foundation that is hard to crack. Your partner can tell her you don't love her all he wants, but if she feels seen and validated and understood by you, and can safely tell you what hurts and you listen -- that is a powerful antidote, especially given how young your daughter is.

Did you manage to get a favorable parenting plan with your son?

Eventually. Our temporary parenting plan was not great but gradually it became safer. n/BPDx had some impulse control problems that led to him sending a lot of texts, emails, and voicemails, DMs. It was almost like he was purposefully trying to sabotage himself. While he was fighting for more custodial time he was also not taking what he had, although he seemed to make an effort to do things with our son outside the home which until then had been rare.

My situation was a bit of an outlier because my ex was a former trial attorney and he ended up representing himself, which didn't work out well for him.

I’ve wondered if I need to stay longer and work on setting boundaries/documenting his response to have more to work with. But it seems like I might just need to wait for him to be inappropriate with my daughter??

What does your gut say about how this might work out?

How he has he responded when you've set boundaries and how have you felt in response?

Our situations can be tricky because we have to balance two kinds of safety. One is in-person safety (emotional, psychological, physical) and the other is protecting ourselves and our kids with/from the family law system.

[GaGrl]

You seem to be at a point where retaining a lawyer you trust is the place to start. Then you can construct and work a plan.

Yes, it might take some time -- but you'll be working a plan rather than waiting for him to "do something" to give you leverage.

You probably have enough leverage now.

[SaltyDawg]

I am definitely concerned I won’t have adequate grounds to achieve no overnights and only supervised visits for him. He is generally pretty good with our daughter, but he usually only has her for short periods of time on his own. He doesn’t usually provide meals (just snacks) and can be quite hands off, letting her wander while he’s doing projects. She fell off the back deck while with him one day (2 foot drop), and he actually knocked her off the deck with a blueberry bush by accident another time. He let her touch a gas fireplace at 6 months old and she got 2nd degree burns on 2 fingers. He also didn’t strap her into her bouncy chair one time and she fell out. She touched a live electrical outlet one time (while with me), but I thought the electricity was turned off because my BPDh had been working on installing new outlets. He then gaslit me about this, telling me I did know it was live. He has made a lot of our house a hazardous project zone by starting projects and leaving them unfinished. He’ll let her go outside in the cold with only a diaper or onesie on and play in the dog’s water bowl. He’ll yank things away from her sometimes or just get up and walk away and sort of hide if she’s annoying him. He has occasionally made inappropriate comments to her… “Don’t pull on my f***ing shirt,” or “you don’t have anything to cry about. That’s just spoiled,” or talking to her about “your mother’s many cruelties.” He sometimes gets angry when she wakes up at night and complains about me nursing her, saying it’s a crutch and if I didn’t do it she would sleep through the night. But he won’t let me sleep in a different room with her. I tried to move into her bedroom with her and he moved the mattress downstairs, saying I was trying to put space between them and called me a “cold, unfeeling c***.” One time he was upset because she was restless and turned the lights on at 3am and she was awake for 2 hours. It turned out she was restless because she was getting a cold. Hiding gifts from my mom or complaining about the quality of handmade baby blankets from my family members. Not letting me take her trick-or-treating because he was feeling threatened I was going to leave with her. Hiding her car seat from me for 2 days for the same reason, so we couldn’t go out to the store. Do any of these things have any legal bearing?

He also self medicates with marijuana/tobacco throughout the day (and night), but we live in WA state where this is legal so I don’t know that this amounts to much.

Your safety and the safety of your daughter should be your first priority and consideration if you feel the need to stay longer.  Follow your 'gut' on what is best for you.  When you leave him, you will be at the most danger, so it is best to let him know when you are in a safe location (2 hours away preferably).  It will almost certainly escalate him; however, if you have planned your exit well, you can mitigate much of the more dangerous fallout.

As others have recommended, if you are resolute in leaving him, retain an attorney who is well versed in these types of separations in your state, who is willing to litigate - follow the advice in the 'splitting' book.

With regards to smoking - you can document the 2nd hand smoke, if he does it in the same room as your daughter.  Note a date/time/location when each time he does it.

With regards to all of the dangerous scenarios that you referenced, document in retrospect (make sure you use the precise dates/times he did those things, as if he can prove one of these incidents is not true, it casts doubt on you).  If you have a diary where this is documented, this is ideal, also a calendar, or a bound book.

Others have provided excellent advice, from a different perspective, having actually been there and done that; whereas, I am only in the planning stages (planning for the worst) if my wife doesn't continue to get better.

Take care with self-care.

[Levity22]

This is SO helpful. Thank you for the book recommendations.

Do you think your partner will come to your mother's house to look for you? When I left, I moved into an apartment and my L explained I was not disclosing my location until emotions on both sides had settled and it felt safe to do so.

I’m not sure if he would come looking. I’ve thought about moving into an apartment instead. How long did it take you to plan and execute that sort of move? And how old was your son at the time?

My ex used to say "LnL loves the dog more than us" to my son, who began parroting this. It took time for me to figure out how to respond. Like a lot of people, I would deny it, "That's not true," which is not terribly effective because at that point you're on the battlefield. I started to say, "Only I can know how I feel," which had some impact but was still met with suspicion. It wasn't until I learned to say, "Wow, ouch. That has to hurt -- how did you feel when daddy said that?" that we began to connect where it mattered. Hundreds and thousands and millions of moments happen like that as kids grow and they build into a strong foundation that is hard to crack. Your partner can tell her you don't love her all he wants, but if she feels seen and validated and understood by you, and can safely tell you what hurts and you listen -- that is a powerful antidote, especially given how young your daughter is.

This is exactly what I needed to read. I instinctively know this. It’s just so terrifying to think of her believing the warped stories he tells.

My situation was a bit of an outlier because my ex was a former trial attorney and he ended up representing himself, which didn't work out well for him.

What does your gut say about how this might work out?

How he has he responded when you've set boundaries and how have you felt in response?

Our situations can be tricky because we have to balance two kinds of safety. One is in-person safety (emotional, psychological, physical) and the other is protecting ourselves and our kids with/from the family law system.

Wow, I can’t imagine trying to divorce an attorney. How intimidating!

My gut says, “don’t push your luck.” When I have set boundaries in the past, it seemed to bring out the most immature, maladaptive side of him. He would either escalate or appear accepting in the moment, but then come after me with passive aggression. And it would probably get added to the list of things he weaponizes against me when he’s in a rage. It’s probably best to keep things calm and keep learning and strategizing.

I do feel guilty about all the secrecy. I pretty much avoided sharing anything of substance with anyone for a couple of years, because I felt I was betraying him by talking to other people about concerns or challenges in my marriage. But that’s how I became isolated and found myself buying into his warped reality. He just keeps doing life like everything is fine while I’m hiding things in my car and talking to attorneys. It feels so messed up.

[Levity22]

Others have provided excellent advice, from a different perspective, having actually been there and done that; whereas, I am only in the planning stages (planning for the worst) if my wife doesn't continue to get better.

Take care with self-care.

Thank you again for your advice and for taking the time. This helps me. Wishing you all the best on your journey.

[livednlearned]

I’ve thought about moving into an apartment instead. How long did it take you to plan and execute that sort of move? And how old was your son at the time?

I planned for close to a year (our son was 8 at the time), in part because my ex was becoming more controlling so it took time to get my ducks in a row. n/BPDx by then was tracking me on an app (that no longer exists) called Google Latitude, so I got a burner phone, plus a PO box to receive mail from my lawyer. I opened a credit card in my name only. My employer increased my hours so I could get health care and bring my salary up enough to qualify for an apartment (3x monthly rent). I rented a storage locker and put things in there that I worried my ex might destroy, including important documents. n/BPDx was in the habit of locking me out of the house so I had the storage locker as a place to store clothing and toiletry items in case I needed to unexpectedly stay in a hotel. Probably most important, I began to do what you're going -- learning, gathering information, looking for people I could trust, figuring out how things worked and what safety measures to take.

For months, I documented his substance abuse although that turned out to be much less important than I thought. However, suggesting that there was a log of his behaviors did influence n/BPDx's lawyer to some extent. Eventually I began using a special Google calendar where I added appointments, interactions, notable arguments, etc. as events. When it's time, you can print out the calendar in agenda view and see things in a chronological order.  

I'm sort of a planner by nature -- I began a lot of this as a way to protect myself from my ex filing for divorce, but in doing that, I proactively started to plan for my own exit, and I knew I had to leave in a way where our son was protected as much as possible. He means the world to me and I realized I hadn't protected him properly because of my own conditioning as a child and that had to change and become priority #1. I also consulted with a child psychologist so I could ask questions about what was best for my son since at the time I thought keeping a family together was more important than anything else. In a stroke of luck, she turned out to be the child psychologist that trained parenting coordinators in our state so she had a very specific way of evaluating our situation and basically said about (then) S8: His emotional and psychological safety is essential, and he is showing clear signs that he does not have the skills to cope with the many stressors in his life, his father being the most daunting.    

It’s just so terrifying to think of her believing the warped stories he tells.

Dr. Craig Childress considers parental alienation to be a form of pathogenic parenting, which is the expression of BPD traits when there are children involved that he argues should be included as symptoms of child abuse. There are quite a few books that can help but much of it comes down to real, genuine, consistent validation. There are books for more pervasive cases of parental alienation (Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak) but you're getting ahead of this early and there's a good chance you'll end up with majority time, which makes a big difference.

When I have set boundaries in the past, it seemed to bring out the most immature, maladaptive side of him. He would either escalate or appear accepting in the moment, but then come after me with passive aggression. And it would probably get added to the list of things he weaponizes against me when he’s in a rage. It’s probably best to keep things calm and keep learning and strategizing.

One of the tough things about setting boundaries is that some pwBPD will recognize that hurting your child is a way to hurt you. When I started to set boundaries, n/BPDx fought back by hurting S9. And if I stood up for our son, n/BPDx took it as a personal attack and fought back, hurting everyone.

I've spent time over the years wondering if I could've done more, or done something better, but in the end I didn't have the stomach to play with fire like that, especially when I started to become more emotionally healthy myself. Bill Eddy categories BPD according to *generally cooperative, not dangerous; *not cooperative, not dangerous; and *not cooperative, dangerous. I think when you're raising a child with someone who is not cooperative and dangerous it makes perfect sense to prioritize safety. If there are skills that help not make things worse, by all means use them, but only if you think they make sense of your situation.

Having said that, I did see some improvements when I set boundaries, although in retrospect I gained confidence once I had a plan in place. I suspect that confidence made me seem more like n/BPDx's mother in power mode. Meaning that n/BPDx, instead of acting out and throwing tantrums and making threats, would mutter and sulk and pout when I set a boundary. This didn't go on for very long because soon after I left with S9 but it kind of revealed the degree of projection going on.

I do feel guilty about all the secrecy. I pretty much avoided sharing anything of substance with anyone for a couple of years, because I felt I was betraying him by talking to other people about concerns or challenges in my marriage. But that’s how I became isolated and found myself buying into his warped reality. He just keeps doing life like everything is fine while I’m hiding things in my car and talking to attorneys. It feels so messed up.

Sometimes I wonder if guilt (for people like us) is a way for us to abuse ourselves  

I'm sure there is more that has gone on, but even just the little you're shared here suggests he has lost the privilege of gaining your trust. This trust of yours is a precious resource, it must be cherished and cultivated and earned day after day in both his words and actions. He has shown he prefers to exert control over earning your trust, for reasons that are not yours to fix.

[Levity22]

Thank you for sharing your experience, insights, and advice. I appreciate you very much.