Need support for my recent break up

[Depression = 72% of members]

From a normal person's perspective ( neurotypical ) this will never make sense.  However, I took the time to join a FB group run by borderlines to help other borderlines, and learned how they think, behave, etc.  Once you figure this out, and 'think like a borderline', their behaviors are actually simple in comparison to a normal person, and are extremely predictable once you have figured out their behavior patterns by studying your pwBPD.  I can actually predict my wife's behavior patterns with greater accuracy than my own behaviors - the only thing I don't know is the timing of those behaviors.  It is kind of like a 3rd world train schedule, you know the train is coming, you just don't know when.

Its good that you are able to see these sorts of episodes coming and you did your research a lot more then I did when I was in my relationship. I did not really have to deal with the negatives before it was too late and everything ended up crashing and burning. Even now I still find some of her behaviours baffling. She was with her ex, the one before me, for 4 years on and off. During their short lived break ups she would have someone else to fill her time until they got back together and none of them ever lasted more then 2 months. She broke the cycle with me as we were together for a year and she is now seeing this new guy from sometime in November until the current day. I did really expect her to get bored by now and maybe have someone new or try to recycle me but they are still together. She has not done any posts with him other then the odd story here and there so I do not think they are fully official but still find it so confusing where she is at mentally as her current situation has lasted longer then I anticipated. Even though I dont want her back anymore, i still find it oddly comforting that she does not post him all over social media, like she did me, as it almost gives me a sense of not being easily replacable if they are not in an offical relationship.

I did have faith in her to pay me after our conversation 2 weeks ago. She made a point to tell me she did not forget and gets payed at the end of the month so i just waited to see if she was being honest and it turns out she was. I dont think their is much point in me trying to reach out to thank her as after we spoke 2 weeks ago, she reblocked me instantly after our conversation along with my friend who helped me get back in touch. Getting across that message would mean I message her on an obscure social media we rarly used so it might be more hastle then its worth, but let me know your thoughts on what you would do in my shoes.

Therapy went well, I pretty much went over my story to give her a good starting point to work with moving forward. She commented on how self aware I am with everything that has happened along with my reactions to these broken relationships I keep finding myself in. I just hope the next few sessions will give me a better understanding of myself as I have done everything I can to better understand my ex POV with her BPD. I will be taking your advice and mention my future dating process with my therapist as I do miss being with someone but also know I need time to understand myself again while learning what red flags to avoid in future partners.

Oddly as I post this, i am having a rare rough evening which I think is my first one in 2 weeks. I saw some memories from this time last year and its crazy to think of everything that has gone on over the past few months. This girl was the center of my entire life and everything was going smoothly, a few road bumps later and we are strangers. Even our conversation 2 weeks ago felt like talking to a different person, the way she text and the language she used was really different to how she used to talk and I could tell this even through texts. The brief time we spoke she would text me like she was trying to start an arguement. Questioning the amount she owed, telling me she wants her old airpods back, asking my friend why I did not reach out myself. All these little things that I noticed her trying to say to get a reaction out of me. I guess starting an arguement with me would reinforce her opinion that I am the bad guy in all this. I just wish she was not so cold with me as it really feels like it invalidates a lot of our time together. She was so loving and ultimatly stopped treating me well until I told her I wouldnt take it anymore. Since then she just became someone unrecognisable and I hope one day shes able to tap back into that version of herself.

Look forward to hearing from you as always.

Bxrrows

[Bxrrows]

From a normal person's perspective ( neurotypical ) this will never make sense.  However, I took the time to join a FB group run by borderlines to help other borderlines, and learned how they think, behave, etc.  Once you figure this out, and 'think like a borderline', their behaviors are actually simple in comparison to a normal person, and are extremely predictable once you have figured out their behavior patterns by studying your pwBPD.  I can actually predict my wife's behavior patterns with greater accuracy than my own behaviors - the only thing I don't know is the timing of those behaviors.  It is kind of like a 3rd world train schedule, you know the train is coming, you just don't know when.

Its good that you are able to see these sorts of episodes coming and you did your research a lot more then I did when I was in my relationship. I did not really have to deal with the negatives before it was too late and everything ended up crashing and burning. Even now I still find some of her behaviours baffling. She was with her ex, the one before me, for 4 years on and off. During their short lived break ups she would have someone else to fill her time until they got back together and none of them ever lasted more then 2 months. She broke the cycle with me as we were together for a year and she is now seeing this new guy from sometime in November until the current day. I did really expect her to get bored by now and maybe have someone new or try to recycle me but they are still together. She has not done any posts with him other then the odd story here and there so I do not think they are fully official but still find it so confusing where she is at mentally as her current situation has lasted longer then I anticipated. Even though I dont want her back anymore, i still find it oddly comforting that she does not post him all over social media, like she did me, as it almost gives me a sense of not being easily replacable if they are not in an offical relationship.

I did have faith in her to pay me after our conversation 2 weeks ago. She made a point to tell me she did not forget and gets payed at the end of the month so i just waited to see if she was being honest and it turns out she was. I dont think their is much point in me trying to reach out to thank her as after we spoke 2 weeks ago, she reblocked me instantly after our conversation along with my friend who helped me get back in touch. Getting across that message would mean I message her on an obscure social media we rarly used so it might be more hastle then its worth, but let me know your thoughts on what you would do in my shoes.

Therapy went well, I pretty much went over my story to give her a good starting point to work with moving forward. She commented on how self aware I am with everything that has happened along with my reactions to these broken relationships I keep finding myself in. I just hope the next few sessions will give me a better understanding of myself as I have done everything I can to better understand my ex POV with her BPD. I will be taking your advice and mention my future dating process with my therapist as I do miss being with someone but also know I need time to understand myself again while learning what red flags to avoid in future partners.

Oddly as I post this, i am having a rare rough evening which I think is my first one in 2 weeks. I saw some memories from this time last year and its crazy to think of everything that has gone on over the past few months. This girl was the center of my entire life and everything was going smoothly, a few road bumps later and we are strangers. Even our conversation 2 weeks ago felt like talking to a different person, the way she text and the language she used was really different to how she used to talk and I could tell this even through texts. The brief time we spoke she would text me like she was trying to start an arguement. Questioning the amount she owed, telling me she wants her old airpods back, asking my friend why I did not reach out myself. All these little things that I noticed her trying to say to get a reaction out of me. I guess starting an arguement with me would reinforce her opinion that I am the bad guy in all this. I just wish she was not so cold with me as it really feels like it invalidates a lot of our time together. She was so loving and ultimatly stopped treating me well until I told her I wouldnt take it anymore. Since then she just became someone unrecognisable and I hope one day shes able to tap back into that version of herself.

Look forward to hearing from you as always.

Bxrrows

[SaltyDawg]

Bxrrows,

Thanks for sharing.

Its good that you are able to see these sorts of episodes coming and you did your research a lot more then I did when I was in my relationship.

I read yesterday, that this is a 'trauma response' being able to predict these kinds of behaviors - ugh, I hate doing this, but it is a necessary evil, in order to survive this ordeal with lesser damage.  Also, it took me many months from the time I was introduced to the concept of BPD, to understanding it to a point where I could formulate a response - the therapists I had at the time were hesitant going this direction until they were reasonably sure I was dealing with someone who has PDs as my wife presented as though she didn't by being able to hold down a job, and didn't abuse substances - a high functioning pwBPD/OCPD.

I did not really have to deal with the negatives before it was too late and everything ended up crashing and burning. Even now I still find some of her behaviours baffling. She was with her ex, the one before me, for 4 years on and off. During their short lived break ups she would have someone else to fill her time until they got back together and none of them ever lasted more then 2 months. She broke the cycle with me as we were together for a year and she is now seeing this new guy from sometime in November until the current day. I did really expect her to get bored by now and maybe have someone new or try to recycle me but they are still together. She has not done any posts with him other then the odd story here and there so I do not think they are fully official but still find it so confusing where she is at mentally as her current situation has lasted longer then I anticipated. Even though I dont want her back anymore, i still find it oddly comforting that she does not post him all over social media, like she did me, as it almost gives me a sense of not being easily replacable if they are not in an offical relationship.

That is a unique perspective that you aren't as easily replaceable, yet you have been replaced - I am keeping it real, even though it feels different.  One thought that did cross my mind, is that he may be cheating on his gf with your ex - so she might be the 'side chick' like he was the 'side dick' when she was with you.  I am glad you have been able to process this and have detached as you no longer 'want her back anymore'.  Keep up the good work and outlook on this.

I did have faith in her to pay me after our conversation 2 weeks ago. She made a point to tell me she did not forget and gets payed at the end of the month so i just waited to see if she was being honest and it turns out she was. I dont think their is much point in me trying to reach out to thank her as after we spoke 2 weeks ago, she reblocked me instantly after our conversation along with my friend who helped me get back in touch. Getting across that message would mean I message her on an obscure social media we rarly used so it might be more hastle then its worth, but let me know your thoughts on what you would do in my shoes.

This is me personally, I would send it to the blocked point of contact, that way, when it is unblocked, she will see that you made the effort; however, keep it BIFF, as you would do for anyone whom you loaned money too (like a friend who is no longer a friend) and do not have open ended questions, or suggest anything more.  This way I would have fulfilled my moral obligation to acknowledge this repayment as she has already questioned the amount that she owed, this way you can document she owed you 1000 quid, she paid back 100 quid, and the balance due is 900 quid.

Therapy went well, I pretty much went over my story to give her a good starting point to work with moving forward. She commented on how self aware I am with everything that has happened along with my reactions to these broken relationships I keep finding myself in. I just hope the next few sessions will give me a better understanding of myself as I have done everything I can to better understand my ex POV with her BPD. I will be taking your advice and mention my future dating process with my therapist as I do miss being with someone but also know I need time to understand myself again while learning what red flags to avoid in future partners.

That sounds very promising.  You will only get out of therapy what you put into it.  I usually have a list of topics I want to go over, and then I go over them with a fine tooth comb and do a deep dive on a particular issue.  I usually prioritize the issues, so the most important ones to me are addressed first.

Oddly as I post this, i am having a rare rough evening which I think is my first one in 2 weeks. I saw some memories from this time last year and its crazy to think of everything that has gone on over the past few months. This girl was the center of my entire life and everything was going smoothly, a few road bumps later and we are strangers. Even our conversation 2 weeks ago felt like talking to a different person, the way she text and the language she used was really different to how she used to talk and I could tell this even through texts. The brief time we spoke she would text me like she was trying to start an arguement. Questioning the amount she owed, telling me she wants her old airpods back, asking my friend why I did not reach out myself. All these little things that I noticed her trying to say to get a reaction out of me. I guess starting an arguement with me would reinforce her opinion that I am the bad guy in all this. I just wish she was not so cold with me as it really feels like it invalidates a lot of our time together. She was so loving and ultimatly stopped treating me well until I told her I wouldnt take it anymore. Since then she just became someone unrecognisable and I hope one day shes able to tap back into that version of herself.

It sounds like you are on track for a healthy and timely recovery, I know with my own issues, I would not recover nearly as fast as you are - for each of us this is a process.  Keep moving forward, and take care of yourself with self-care.

SD

[Bxrrows]

That is a unique perspective that you aren't as easily replaceable, yet you have been replaced - I am keeping it real, even though it feels different.  One thought that did cross my mind, is that he may be cheating on his gf with your ex - so she might be the 'side chick' like he was the 'side dick' when she was with you.  I am glad you have been able to process this and have detached as you no longer 'want her back anymore'.  Keep up the good work and outlook on this.

I do agree, i think i meant more like a silver lining in the situation. Even though she has replaced me after the break up, It made me feel like her not being in an offical relationship was a small win for me as she was not going to fully comit to the new guy. Funny how i mention this now as yesterday I was viewing some videos my friend sent me on instagram and went into my DMs, my ex and my messages are still on the first page of my instagram messages so going into the DM tab i noticed my ex profile picture updated to a photo of her and him. So my 'silver lining' of telling myself how she was not in a new official relationship was wrong. I did not really feel too much about the sitation because if they are together or not, it does not impact my life in the slightest or change whatever arrangmentI thought they previously had. My only thoughts are that in the photo I noticed her new boyfriend has pierced ears and previously did not when I saw photos of him last year. I am not sure if that is her doing or not but I have both my ears pierced so maybe she is trying to recreate me though him somehow.

This is me personally, I would send it to the blocked point of contact, that way, when it is unblocked, she will see that you made the effort; however, keep it BIFF, as you would do for anyone whom you loaned money too (like a friend who is no longer a friend) and do not have open ended questions, or suggest anything more.  This way I would have fulfilled my moral obligation to acknowledge this repayment as she has already questioned the amount that she owed, this way you can document she owed you 1000 quid, she paid back 100 quid, and the balance due is 900 quid.

So i tested this theory with a friend and got him to block my number so I could send a text and then he would unblock me. The message I sent when blocked did not appear and will not show in their messages after getting unblocked. Fells a little redundant to do now but I am kind of conflicted doing so. I dont have any interest in rekindling a relationship with her anymore, especially now shes posting him, so I am not sure if its worth trying to find a way to do that gesture on a platform i know it will get through. Let me know your thoughts.

With therapy, I have been given a task to document my feelings throughout the days between my last and next session as they are weekly meetings for an hour. So far I have been some what okay but the medication I am on, makes it kind of hard for me to feel much negativly at the moment. In some ways its nice to know that I dont really feel sad or down anymore but the fact I cant feel sad even if I wanted too, bugs me a bit. I know for the meantime not feeling sad is going to be good for me in the long run but maybe I look into coming off medication when I am more stable. I am going to be going into my next few sessions with topics I want to focus on. My main one being why I feel the need to be validated for my good deeds in a relationship and why I seem to attract/gravitate towards broken people.

It sounds like you are on track for a healthy and timely recovery, I know with my own issues, I would not recover nearly as fast as you are - for each of us this is a process.  Keep moving forward

The medication has been a game changer for me honestly. I feel like i have come a long way since the start of the year as November and December last year were the darkest times of my entire life. I had daily thoughts about ending my life and could not think about anything but my ex. Time heals everything, i have kept as distracted as I could do until those distractions just turned into my focuses in life. Just taking every day at a time and hope that my current position shows how things can get better but we will always have ups and downs along that path of detatchment/recovery.

Looking forward to giving more updates and would love to hear more updates about your wife, I hope everything is running smoothly still.

Bxrrows

[SaltyDawg]

Bxrrows,

Thank you for sharing, again.

I do agree, i think i meant more like a silver lining in the situation. Even though she has replaced me after the break up, It made me feel like her not being in an offical relationship was a small win for me as she was not going to fully comit to the new guy. Funny how i mention this now as yesterday I was viewing some videos my friend sent me on instagram and went into my DMs, my ex and my messages are still on the first page of my instagram messages so going into the DM tab i noticed my ex profile picture updated to a photo of her and him. So my 'silver lining' of telling myself how she was not in a new official relationship was wrong. I did not really feel too much about the sitation because if they are together or not, it does not impact my life in the slightest or change whatever arrangmentI thought they previously had. My only thoughts are that in the photo I noticed her new boyfriend has pierced ears and previously did not when I saw photos of him last year. I am not sure if that is her doing or not but I have both my ears pierced so maybe she is trying to recreate me though him somehow.

That is definitely an interesting thought / theory where she is bending him to be more like you - and he is letting her influence him on this.  You seem to be still stuck ruminating on her, and what she is doing, instead of focusing on yourself, and what you can do in order to be moving forward.  I would recommend talking to your own therapist on this.

So i tested this theory with a friend and got him to block my number so I could send a text and then he would unblock me. The message I sent when blocked did not appear and will not show in their messages after getting unblocked. Fells a little redundant to do now but I am kind of conflicted doing so. I dont have any interest in rekindling a relationship with her anymore, especially now shes posting him, so I am not sure if its worth trying to find a way to do that gesture on a platform i know it will get through. Let me know your thoughts.

It depends on which platform you are using.  I shared what I would have done being mindful of documenting this for legal purposes if it were to go to small claims court as you alluded to earlier in this thread.  Please do what is comfortable for you with regards to documenting your loan to her.

With therapy, I have been given a task to document my feelings throughout the days between my last and next session as they are weekly meetings for an hour. So far I have been some what okay but the medication I am on, makes it kind of hard for me to feel much negativly at the moment. In some ways its nice to know that I dont really feel sad or down anymore but the fact I cant feel sad even if I wanted too, bugs me a bit. I know for the meantime not feeling sad is going to be good for me in the long run but maybe I look into coming off medication when I am more stable. I am going to be going into my next few sessions with topics I want to focus on. My main one being why I feel the need to be validated for my good deeds in a relationship and why I seem to attract/gravitate towards broken people.

It sounds like your therapy is going well, and is going in a good direction.  I too seem to attract broken people (even though it did not seem like it at the time, where she ticked all of the boxes I was looking for).  However, this being my 2nd borderline relationship, I knew the issue was me, and I have explored that extensively with two individual therapists.

It sounds like you are on track for a healthy and timely recovery, I know with my own issues, I would not recover nearly as fast as you are - for each of us this is a process.  Keep moving forward

The medication has been a game changer for me honestly. I feel like i have come a long way since the start of the year as November and December last year were the darkest times of my entire life. I had daily thoughts about ending my life and could not think about anything but my ex. Time heals everything, i have kept as distracted as I could do until those distractions just turned into my focuses in life. Just taking every day at a time and hope that my current position shows how things can get better but we will always have ups and downs along that path of detatchment/recovery.

Looking forward to giving more updates and would love to hear more updates about your wife, I hope everything is running smoothly still.

I am curious, only if you are comfortable, which medicine seems to be working so well for you?

Keep moving forward to a better place for yourself, with a lot of self-care.

My wife is doing better, still has issues, but seems to behave as though that incident never happened - she just doesn't realize the impact it has had on me when she does that.  She wants so badly for me to see her as a normal person, yet when she dysregulates like that, it only pushes me in the opposite direction.

Since the incident, she has chosen to actively reconnect with me like when we were first dating - I am hopeful that this is in a healthy way, and not in a love-bombing way.  Time will tell, as of right now it feels like a bit of both.  Either way, I am enjoying this renewed positive attention from her even though it is very hit or miss, and it is no longer just a few bread-crumbs, now it is bread slices, but not the whole loaf.  I will be exploring this in depth with my own therapist in depth on my next session with her.  It is definitely a roller coaster ride of her emotional states.

Take care.

SD

[Bxrrows]

That is definitely an interesting thought / theory where she is bending him to be more like you - and he is letting her influence him on this.  You seem to be still stuck ruminating on her, and what she is doing, instead of focusing on yourself, and what you can do in order to be moving forward.  I would recommend talking to your own therapist on this.

I get where you are coming from with this. My brother was actually the one to comment on the photo and asked me if he had his earings previously in which i realised he did not. I do find myself ruminating from time to time as I am still adjusting to life without her and im sure in time this will slowly ramp down. I did bring this up with my therapist and she made a point of saying everyone is unique in the sense of their recovery. While i do ruminate from time to time, she told me to not repress it and go through the motions if it helps me move forward. I do not want to keep reliving the last few weeks of our relationship and hope they become less and less frequent.

I have already taken screenshots of previous messages and have bank statements with the money she has sent me previously as a record of payment so I think I am good on that should I need to take legal action on her. I am confident that she will pay me the rest of the money back but do have a feeling that she will try to only send 100 per month when I would like her to get it all sent over as soon as possible so she would be fully out of my life.

A mix of my medication and therapy has been helpful. I am still more thankful to the medication so far as it has helped me to regulate my social anxiety that I have not been medicated for before. I have had social anxiety since I was 8 and I have seen a noticable difference in that area since starting this course. One thing that does bother me is the fact that I almost feel unable to feel sadness currently. I feel like I had a bad day the other day where I would usualy feel sad but the emotion did not come and felt quite alien to me. I have felt sad ever since the break up and since starting my meds I have found it quite hard to experience that. While on one hand its good to not feel sad constantly, I am slightly bothered that I dont know how to feel sad anymore even if I wanted too, its more of a numb feeling. It might be something to do with my dosage. Today I contacted my doctor about getting a refill and mentioned this to them, they told me to continue with it and at a point I feel more stable we can look to potentially lower it.

The medication I take is 100mg of Sertraline. Its a very standand version of Zoloft and have found it helpful thus far. The standard dose is 50mg but i was put straight onto 100mg. While I do have some side effects with this and the strange sensation of unable to feel sadness. I think its helped me a lot and feel like being on some sort of medication for my troubles in the long term could be helpful, just maybe something less strong in the future.

One mini update is that my ex pwBPD has a sister who was pregnant most of last year and was due to give birth around this time. Her sister is the type to make her kids instagram accounts to show their early lives and document their growth. Under my 'people you may know' tab I was shown a profile of the newborn baby that she created an instagram for. I remember sitting with my ex, her sister and husband thinking about baby names and they ended up picking the name i suggested. While I know its nothing to do with me, I did smile when i noticed they settled on that name for her. I also felt strange knowing how excited we were about the new baby and while again, I do not really feel sad about it. Knowing I was planning on being there for the birth and being introcued as an uncle was something I was looking forward too but now her new boyfriend has taken that role. Again its a weird feeling but its a thought I had when I saw the account.

Since the incident, she has chosen to actively reconnect with me like when we were first dating - I am hopeful that this is in a healthy way, and not in a love-bombing way.  Time will tell, as of right now it feels like a bit of both.  Either way, I am enjoying this renewed positive attention from her even though it is very hit or miss, and it is no longer just a few bread-crumbs, now it is bread slices, but not the whole loaf.  I will be exploring this in depth with my own therapist in depth on my next session with her.  It is definitely a roller coaster ride of her emotional states.

Its nice to see that things are looking up and she has painted you white again, enjoy this while you have it. It might be worth making sure when things are good that you are able to do some early damage control for when things do take a dip again. When she is less prone to stress or negative feelings towards you, I imagine she would be more open to looking into her bad habbits when it comes to her bad days. Just an idea.

Hope you are keeping well.

Bxrrows

[SaltyDawg]

Bxrrows,

   Thank you for clarifying your brother's observations on your replacement's ear rings - interesting theory.   I also find it interesting that your exBPD's sister used a baby name that you had suggested - that's kind of fascinating too.

   I think you are documenting things well enough with regards to the 'loan' -- I hear you that you want this done sooner rather than later, so she is out of your life. 

   Thank you for sharing the medication as well, and how it affects your sadness being felt more as a numbness.
   
   Quick update on my wife, she is back to baseline, neither black, nor white, definitely neutral with little to no expressed feelings as her fear of abandonment has kicked in again - love the roller coaster of emotions...

   Take care.

SD

[Caesar46]

I do feel for you really. Having a BPD girlfriend is like dating two person at once. One is the caring loving soul you fall for and the other one is the pure evil. Its easy to be confused wonder which one of those characters are real and I have a good answer to that.

BOTH OF THEM IS REAL

I know this sounds silly because we normal humans dont operate like this but these people are sick and they have no control over their emotions. They lack consistency and they cannot behave like we do.

A small word or argument cant turn you into a monster in their eyes regardless of your 1000 good actions in the past and another guy's bad behaviour or just missing you can turn you into an angel in their eyes suddenly.

[Bxrrows]

I do feel for you really. Having a BPD girlfriend is like dating two person at once. One is the caring loving soul you fall for and the other one is the pure evil. Its easy to be confused wonder which one of those characters are real and I have a good answer to that.

BOTH OF THEM IS REAL

I know this sounds silly because we normal humans dont operate like this but these people are sick and they have no control over their emotions. They lack consistency and they cannot behave like we do.

A small word or argument cant turn you into a monster in their eyes regardless of your 1000 good actions in the past and another guy's bad behaviour or just missing you can turn you into an angel in their eyes suddenly.

Hi Caessar,

I have very conflicted feelings as time moves forward. I know that the girl I was with adored me and everything was very real for us both throughout our relationship but the car crash of events following our break up was so beyond any hurt I have felt before that I have a lot of negative feelings towards her now.

As much as I sympathise with her illness, I dont want to make excuses for her being an overall bad person to me anymore. She shows awareness for things she does knowing it would hurt me and does it anyway. That is just the trait of a bad person who does not have any regard for anyone elses feelings. If she truly wanted to make things work she would have done everything like I did to try and move forward small issues. However, she was not ever willing to compromise on anything and when i stopped compromising we broke up.

Then she falls into the arms of the guy she worked with who was grooming her as a 'friend' for months before we split. She knows what she did and knows the effect it would have on me and everyone in our lives but none of it matters. I just hope she is able to live with herself when/if she ever faces the reality of how she has treated me.

[Bxrrows]

Bxrrows,

   Thank you for clarifying your brother's observations on your replacement's ear rings - interesting theory.   I also find it interesting that your exBPD's sister used a baby name that you had suggested - that's kind of fascinating too.

   I think you are documenting things well enough with regards to the 'loan' -- I hear you that you want this done sooner rather than later, so she is out of your life. 

   Thank you for sharing the medication as well, and how it affects your sadness being felt more as a numbness.
   
   Quick update on my wife, she is back to baseline, neither black, nor white, definitely neutral with little to no expressed feelings as her fear of abandonment has kicked in again - love the roller coaster of emotions...

   Take care.

SD,

I have not been as active recently as I have been focused on my mental and physical health this past week.

When I saw the photo I did not really think too much into anything but when he pointed the earings out, I did ruminate and think about if she was trying to subconciously recreate me in her new partner. The baby I found quite funny and hope they remember it was my suggestion.

With the money I am still hopeful to get another payment at the end of this month and hope she is able to put more towards the next payment, if not I will reach out to her mum to let her know I would appreciate more sooner rather then later to get this all over and done with ASAP.

Medication I have adjusted too now, no longer have many side effects. I do feel a numbness instead of sadness if I ever do have a rare down day. Its a weird feeling but know its the best thing for me until i get a better grip on my depression.

Being as today is Valentines Day. I have had very conflicting feelings. I looked back at my this time last year knowing I would see what we did. I took her to a spa and 5* hotel as a surprise. I looked back at it as a nice memory but felt off that we aren't together doing something simular this year which was a very odd feeling. I dont want her back anymore but I have never done anything big previously on this day so I guess i felt a different connection with her and today. I did let my curiosity get the better of me though and checked her instagram to see if she was posting anything. She changed her profile pic to just a selfie of her instead of the photo of the 2 of them and posted a story of her work giving her some flowers...but strangely, no posts relating to my replacement. Whether they did anything or not, I know it would not compare to last year and found some comfort in knowing she did not post anything as last year she posted everything we did. Maybe she has plans for the weekend or will post things in the next few days but honestly who cares at this point.

 I ruminated today quite a bit but my day to day is now no longer filled with thoughts of her, she is a meer after thought these days. Overall happy with how things have been going more or less and feel like therapy is a good weekly outlet for me to speak on matters that bother me as well as this forum.

Im sorry to hear about your wife pulling back again. Has anything new developed since you last shared?

Bxrrows

[SaltyDawg]

Bxrrows,

Thank you for checking in.

I have not been as active recently as I have been focused on my mental and physical health this past week.

I like to hear that you are focused on your own self-care - keep up the good work, I want you this to be a success for you.

When I saw the photo I did not really think too much into anything but when he pointed the earings out, I did ruminate and think about if she was trying to subconciously recreate me in her new partner. The baby I found quite funny and hope they remember it was my suggestion.

Perhaps, keep this as a memory, that you are more impactful on her that she realizes.  Perhaps one day she will figure this out, or not.

With the money I am still hopeful to get another payment at the end of this month and hope she is able to put more towards the next payment, if not I will reach out to her mum to let her know I would appreciate more sooner rather then later to get this all over and done with ASAP.

I hear you, and in an ideal world she would pay everything back sooner rather than later; however, please be mindful that we don't live in an ideal world.

Medication I have adjusted too now, no longer have many side effects. I do feel a numbness instead of sadness if I ever do have a rare down day. Its a weird feeling but know its the best thing for me until i get a better grip on my depression.

I am happy for you that this is also getting better as well.

Being as today is Valentines Day. I have had very conflicting feelings. I looked back at my this time last year knowing I would see what we did. I took her to a spa and 5* hotel as a surprise. I looked back at it as a nice memory but felt off that we aren't together doing something simular this year which was a very odd feeling. I dont want her back anymore but I have never done anything big previously on this day so I guess i felt a different connection with her and today. I did let my curiosity get the better of me though and checked her instagram to see if she was posting anything. She changed her profile pic to just a selfie of her instead of the photo of the 2 of them and posted a story of her work giving her some flowers...but strangely, no posts relating to my replacement. Whether they did anything or not, I know it would not compare to last year and found some comfort in knowing she did not post anything as last year she posted everything we did. Maybe she has plans for the weekend or will post things in the next few days but honestly who cares at this point.

Valentine's Day along with anniversaries and birthdays you will likely have conflicted feelings and ruminate on all of the good things in the past.  I see you are still looking at her social media posts - if she posts something it will likely make you feel worse, not better - so why do it (other than morbid curiosity)?

I ruminated today quite a bit but my day to day is now no longer filled with thoughts of her, she is a meer after thought these days. Overall happy with how things have been going more or less and feel like therapy is a good weekly outlet for me to speak on matters that bother me as well as this forum.

I do the same.  Even though I am still with my wife, I no longer am pining for her affection.  If she wants to have a relationship with me, she can actively engage me, and I will; however, I will no longer actively chase in the game of 'impossible to get'. 

Im sorry to hear about your wife pulling back again. Has anything new developed since you last shared?

No new developments in relationship matters in the immediate family.  Her dad is in the ICU after having several hearts stoppages, so that is consuming her attention right now, so it is nice and quiet and drama free for the time being at home with the children, as she is in hospital with her mum by his bedside.

Once again, thank you for checking in.

Take care, and have a good weekend.

SD

[Bxrrows]

SD,

I have just been trying to sort my mental out as each week that passes I feel more and more detatched from my ex. I still have the happy memories that I sometimes get random thoughts about and appreciate them for how they made me feel at the time but other then that her as a person will unfortunatly forever be tarnished in my mind from how things ended.

I do agree that I feel she is trying to mirror me with him and the earings and its quite nice knowing her sister chose the baby name I selected. I dont know what it is but i am always so curious about her new relationship. As much as I know her BPD makes her need that companionship to remain content. I am SO curious to know what her situation is with him. She is a love bomber and as long as I have known her she has been the type to plaster her relationship everywhere. With me she uploaded at least a post a month, along with countless stories about how much she loved me. With him she has posted 1-2 stories surrounding him total since November time, which is very out of the normal and is yet to post him as apart of her main instagram page that used to be covered with my face during our relationship.

I will be bringing these thoughts up with my therapist as she is telling me to check her social media when I feel like it but to do my best to limit that along with trying to change the times I would typcially look as the habit is something she wants me to tackle first. We have looked into the social media check ups and I get relief when she doesn't post anything but feel anxious whenever she uploads. Its a process but am gradually looking less and less so I feel like we are on the right track.

The money I know she will pay back over time but I meant more that I want her to send as much as she can to get this over with ASAP instead of drip feeding me the odd £100 as a standard payment, regardless of how much she has spare. I guess we will see at the end of this month as to what will happen with the money moving forward.

Valentines Day was a weird one for me, it was what I would consider a bad day but it was more a strange feeling that I have only spent it with her previously and think i feel a connection with her and that day. The next big day for us would be her birthday on the 7th of March so after that I am hoping that these strange off feelings will die down as the next holiday with be my birthday at the end of May.

No new developments in relationship matters in the immediate family.  Her dad is in the ICU after having several hearts stoppages, so that is consuming her attention right now, so it is nice and quiet and drama free for the time being at home with the children, as she is in hospital with her mum by his bedside.

I am so sorry to hear about his current situation. I hope you and your family are taking care of eachother in these tense times. I am also sorry to hear about the affection wave coming to an end. She will most likely go through the ups and downs of being affectionate, this dry patch is probably more down to her focus being on her father then anything malitious towards you. Sounds like such a rough time knowing one day she is all over you and the next she is cold towards you and treats it like a switch she can toggle at her will. That was the hardest part for me to come to terms with my break up so I can only imagine how this being a constant cycle must be a heavy burden to carry.

All the best,

Bxrrows

[SaltyDawg]

I will be bringing these thoughts up with my therapist as she is telling me to check her social media when I feel like it but to do my best to limit that along with trying to change the times I would typcially look as the habit is something she wants me to tackle first. We have looked into the social media check ups and I get relief when she doesn't post anything but feel anxious whenever she uploads. Its a process but am gradually looking less and less so I feel like we are on the right track.

It sounds like you are on the 'right' track.  Keep up the good work.

The money I know she will pay back over time but I meant more that I want her to send as much as she can to get this over with ASAP instead of drip feeding me the odd £100 as a standard payment, regardless of how much she has spare. I guess we will see at the end of this month as to what will happen with the money moving forward.

Thanks for sharing that too.  I feel as long as you are getting at least a hundred quid, you should be okay, even though it would be very nice if she could pay you back faster.

No new developments in relationship matters in the immediate family.  Her dad is in the ICU after having several hearts stoppages, so that is consuming her attention right now, so it is nice and quiet and drama free for the time being at home with the children, as she is in hospital with her mum by his bedside.

I am so sorry to hear about his current situation. I hope you and your family are taking care of eachother in these tense times. I am also sorry to hear about the affection wave coming to an end. She will most likely go through the ups and downs of being affectionate, this dry patch is probably more down to her focus being on her father then anything malitious towards you. Sounds like such a rough time knowing one day she is all over you and the next she is cold towards you and treats it like a switch she can toggle at her will. That was the hardest part for me to come to terms with my break up so I can only imagine how this being a constant cycle must be a heavy burden to carry.

Bxrrows, the affection wave was short lived.  She goes through a predictable fear of engulfment cycle on her affections, very push/pull - I told her I will not engage this behavior too much, this started before the issue with her dad. 

In spite of the extreme stress, my BPDw has handled this remarkably well even if it take her focus away from our relationship.  Once he is out of hospital, we will see how things move forward from there.

Thanks for listening, and take care.

SD

[Bxrrows]

SD,

Everything seems to be going smoothly right now. Therapy is a good outlet, medication seems to be working well and I am gradually moving on with my life. I have started trying to talk with more people and mindlessly flirt with people over dating apps. The past few weeks I have spoken to a few people and one stuck out. I have tried to break the habbit of putting my time into girls who have not got themselves together. My track record like I have previously touched on is with broken people, with broken families who are horrid with money and have some form of personality disorder. This new girl I have met is a year older for one, has a stable carrer in finance and is living in her own place. She is a stunning girl and somehow I have managed to get a date with her this saturday and am actually looking forward to it. I wonder how I wil feel on the day and after the date as this would be the first person I have been out with since my break up.

Even if this does not work out I think a date would be a good first step for me to move forward. Since my break up, my life has been stagnant which has been a tough thing to get through. I have not had the motivation for anything until recently. I am getting back onto my feet and have weekly interviews for jobs I like as well as putting myself our there to try and create new connections with other women. I feel like a lot of my attatchment to my ex was mainly down to being stuck in the same place since it all went down but now that attatchment is close to gone i am excited for how my future looks.

With my ex the money is the only thing I care about now and dont really have much to say to her anymore. A few weeks back I wanted to tell her how bad my life has been mentally since the break up and how this whole situation pushed me to want to unalive myself. In some weird way I felt like telling her these things would strike a courd and she would feel bad knowing how her actions have impacted me so much but came to realise she would not care. She didn't care how her actions damaged me during our relationship and she is sure to care even less now we have had virtually no contact for 3 months. Thankfully I can say I no longer have these thoughts to hurt myself and have a new sense of purpose now my life is moving forward without being consumed by her all day.

I am glad to hear your father in-law is in a better state if he is looking at getting out of hospital soon. I hope things with you and your wife get back to a better/healthier place after the dust settles with this situation. You come across as a very patient man and I hope one day I have a fraction of the patience you do when it comes to dealing with a realtionship.

All the best,

Bxrrows