Mother with BPD AND Dementia requesting a gift back

[Depression = 72% of members]

Has anyone dealt with a parent asking for items back that they gifted you years ago?  It is not worth my brain power but just wondering, on principle... have you refused, or do you just go ahead and return it?  I worry about the message this sends, but my mother is unlikely to discontinue any type of bad behavior anyways.

[needmylifeback]

Has anyone dealt with a parent asking for items back that they gifted you years ago?  It is not worth my brain power but just wondering, on principle... have you refused, or do you just go ahead and return it?  I worry about the message this sends, but my mother is unlikely to discontinue any type of bad behavior anyways.

[Pook075]

Hi and great question!

A part of me wishes that you named the item- if it was a car or a pet, then it feels like my answer would be different than if it was a bracelet or a book.  But it shouldn't matter because this isn't about the item itself, it's about control.  Your mother wants to insert her will over you and you have two choices here.

Option 1, give the item back, no questions asked.  That avoids all the drama.  If you choose this option, don't say a single word about the item or how it was a gift, because that puts you in a no-win situation.  My guess would be that what your mother really wants is an argument, not the actual item.  Don't give it to her.

Option 2, keep the item and refuse to speak about it.  Same reasons as above, it's not your place to justify why you should keep a gift.

What you don't want to do is make excuses (I can't find it, I gave it away, it was broken years ago, etc) since that only opens the door for more criticisms.  Whatever you do, be direct and move on.  Do not argue or try to reason over this since it will only backfire and make the situation worse.  Either keep it or give it back, and then figure out how to forgive your mom for the whole ordeal.

[Notwendy]

 I haven't personally experienced this- because- in general, my BPD mother doesn't give me gifts.

I am wary of gifts as I don't want to feel obligated. Why your mother is asking for them back, I don't know. Maybe because she is angry? The dementia complicates it. Children do this- ask for gifts back and soon an adult teaches them that it isn't polite to do so, so is she regressing?

Regardless, it's up to you and so you can keep it or give it back but not involve drama either way. If it were an heirloom, I would not give it back. They have sentimental value and you don't want to risk them getting lost .If you have no emotional attachment or financial need to keep it, then it's easy to just give it back.

You may also consider not accepting gifts to avoid this situation if you wish.

[needmylifeback]

Hi and great question!

A part of me wishes that you named the item- if it was a car or a pet, then it feels like my answer would be different than if it was a bracelet or a book.  But it shouldn't matter because this isn't about the item itself, it's about control.  Your mother wants to insert her will over you and you have two choices here.

Option 1, give the item back, no questions asked.  That avoids all the drama.  If you choose this option, don't say a single word about the item or how it was a gift, because that puts you in a no-win situation.  My guess would be that what your mother really wants is an argument, not the actual item.  Don't give it to her.

Option 2, keep the item and refuse to speak about it.  Same reasons as above, it's not your place to justify why you should keep a gift.

What you don't want to do is make excuses (I can't find it, I gave it away, it was broken years ago, etc) since that only opens the door for more criticisms.  Whatever you do, be direct and move on.  Do not argue or try to reason over this since it will only backfire and make the situation worse.  Either keep it or give it back, and then figure out how to forgive your mom for the whole ordeal.

Thank you for your reply!  I cut off contact with my mother after having a serious mental breakdown earlier this year.  There is alot of history here, but basically she left me a voicemail message saying she wanted all her christmas stuff. When she moved into a retirement home I brought two seasonal boxes home with me (3 hour drive away) to store (one summer clothes and one christmas decor) so that I could give them to her when she needed them.  She concluded the message with "oh, and my little ceramic tree". The ceramic tree is something she handed down to me at least 15 years ago when she moved out of the family home into an apartment. It has extreme sentimental value to me. Actually about the only object I attach emotion to, along with my engagement ring.  I just don't know if she's trying to be petty (as I've cut communication with her) or if she doesn't remember that she gave it to me a long long time ago, due to her dementia.  A simple phone call to gage the situation could shed some light, but I'm incapable of talking to her at this time without seriously derailing my mental health.  So it's exactly as you said.  I either send it to her, or I don't.  The cons of sending it: the sentimental value (I may never get it back again) the cons of keeping it: she may not accept it and start harassing me again.  Her whole life is a series of inappropriate behaviors and I truly don't think she realizes that it's just not acceptable.  It wouldn't be the first time she gives things away and then expects people to return them when it suits her.

[needmylifeback]

I haven't personally experienced this- because- in general, my BPD mother doesn't give me gifts.

I am wary of gifts as I don't want to feel obligated. Why your mother is asking for them back, I don't know. Maybe because she is angry? The dementia complicates it. Children do this- ask for gifts back and soon an adult teaches them that it isn't polite to do so, so is she regressing?

Regardless, it's up to you and so you can keep it or give it back but not involve drama either way. If it were an heirloom, I would not give it back. They have sentimental value and you don't want to risk them getting lost .If you have no emotional attachment or financial need to keep it, then it's easy to just give it back.

You may also consider not accepting gifts to avoid this situation if you wish.

Thank you.  That's exactly it - a family heirloom.  And I wouldn't call it a gift so much as a hand me down (a vintage ceramic christmas tree). Returning it also comes with the possibility that it breaks in the course of shipping (hand delivery is not an option).  Thanks for the words of encouragement and validation that I'm 100% entitled to keep this.  I probably won't.  My husband said we should just return it (this ensures she doesn't start harassing me again) and we can buy another one, eventually.  I love thrifting, it's all about the hunt. 

[Pook075]

Thank you for your reply!  I cut off contact with my mother after having a serious mental breakdown earlier this year.  There is alot of history here, but basically she left me a voicemail message saying she wanted all her christmas stuff. When she moved into a retirement home I brought two seasonal boxes home with me (3 hour drive away) to store (one summer clothes and one christmas decor) so that I could give them to her when she needed them.  She concluded the message with "oh, and my little ceramic tree". The ceramic tree is something she handed down to me at least 15 years ago when she moved out of the family home into an apartment. It has extreme sentimental value to me. Actually about the only object I attach emotion to, along with my engagement ring.  I just don't know if she's trying to be petty (as I've cut communication with her) or if she doesn't remember that she gave it to me a long long time ago, due to her dementia.  A simple phone call to gage the situation could shed some light, but I'm incapable of talking to her at this time without seriously derailing my mental health.  So it's exactly as you said.  I either send it to her, or I don't.  The cons of sending it: the sentimental value (I may never get it back again) the cons of keeping it: she may not accept it and start harassing me again.  Her whole life is a series of inappropriate behaviors and I truly don't think she realizes that it's just not acceptable.  It wouldn't be the first time she gives things away and then expects people to return them when it suits her.

Well, she left a voicemail and you aren't communicating to her directly, so I don't see the harm in just ignoring the request. 

My mom was a Christmas fanatic and I have enough stuff in the attic to decorate every room in 3-5 homes if I chose to.  While I've freely given everything else away to friends and family when she passed several years ago, the Christmas stuff is incredibly sentimental so I understand completely how you feel.  I let my daughter take one of my mom's tree-topper angels a few days ago and it hurt...even though I'd probably never use it (because I'm afraid of it getting damaged).  I told her that if it gets broken, never ever tell me about it, LOL.  It's illogical to say the least.

Anyway, hopefully the advice helped and you've helped me as well- I'm going up into the attic this afternoon and bringing down what I can to vastly over-decorate a few rooms.

[So Stressed]

Well, at least she asked.  My BPD mother stole some things back from me.  One thing that she gave me many years ago and then after she visited, it was gone. I know she took it because I had just seen it, and then it was gone after she visited.  Mostly, I was shocked and saddened that my own mother would steal from me.  That was more upsetting than the loss of the item.

Others on this site suggested that it was likely that she saw it as still hers, so she just decided to take it back and she would not regard it as stealing.

I let her know that I had noticed it was gone, but I didn't accuse her of taking it. I just mentioned that I could no longer find the item, and I am sure she got it that I knew she took it, but I didn't want to cause drama or a fight.

[SaltyDawg]

Thank you.  That's exactly it - a family heirloom.  And I wouldn't call it a gift so much as a hand me down (a vintage ceramic christmas tree). Returning it also comes with the possibility that it breaks in the course of shipping (hand delivery is not an option).  Thanks for the words of encouragement and validation that I'm 100% entitled to keep this.  I probably won't.  My husband said we should just return it (this ensures she doesn't start harassing me again) and we can buy another one, eventually.  I love thrifting, it's all about the hunt. 

I would suggest finding another identical one, that way you keep the original - e-bay is an excellent resource for these kinds of things as I was able to find a replacement ceramic trinket with her emotional attachment for my wife (uBPD) that was broken by my child - took a little bit.  Another resource is to use the 'Google Lens' search function, take a photo of it and ask Google to match it online, it finds stuff like that for me about 50% of the time.

Take care with self-care.

[Notwendy]

Sometimes my BPD mother will be upset about something and after that, it isn't an issue. Do you think your mother actually wants that item or was it something she got upset about and then got over it? If she has demential that can complicate things. Does she even remember asking for the item back?

I like the idea of looking for a duplicate if it isn't too costly, but also consider just letting this conversation go. She might not bring it up again.

[SaltyDawg]

I like the idea of looking for a duplicate if it isn't too costly, but also consider just letting this conversation go. She might not bring it up again.

Excellent suggestion, 'letting the conversation go'.  I find this to be the case more often than not with my pwBPD.  Only when she mentions it twice or more, do I do any kind of appeasement towards her (if that is the path of least resistance for that particular thing).

Take care, with self-care.

[needmylifeback]

Excellent suggestion, 'letting the conversation go'.  I find this to be the case more often than not with my pwBPD.  Only when she mentions it twice or more, do I do any kind of appeasement towards her (if that is the path of least resistance for that particular thing).

Take care, with self-care.

Thank you so much.  The problem is we're not in communication at this time, and I'm terrified she'd start harassing me again if I ignored.  I found a close duplicate and sent it and I'm hoping for the best.

[SaltyDawg]

Thank you so much.  The problem is we're not in communication at this time, and I'm terrified she'd start harassing me again if I ignored.  I found a close duplicate and sent it and I'm hoping for the best.

Thanks for sharing about the duplicate.  Keep us updated on once she has received it.

Take care.

[TelHill]

My mother has the memory of an elephant and interrogates until she gets a reasonable answer.  She has mild dementia now, but can pick what she remembers.

Will concur that avoiding drama (medium-chill) helps me communicate with my dBPD mom when she's on the warpath. Good luck with the duplicate!