Seeking advice from parents with adult child with BPD, NPD

[Parents! Get help here!]

 
I am struggling to communicate effectively with my 23-year-old who lives with me.
It seems I cannot get through a day without making them angry. I often do not understand what the issue is, and that just makes it worse. My kid is disrespectful and speaks in a way that I find aggressive. That puts me in a bad place and I admit I don't handle it well. I feel on the defensive, angry, confused, and then it turns to deep sadness.
I've been on this rollercoaster for 11 years so you'd think I would have figured out how to communicate with my kid. But it doesn't seem to get easier. And in their eyes, I am always to blame. No accountability at all for their words and actions.
That makes me more separate from them, not something I want.
When things are good with us, we are best friends.
When they are not, we both hurt terribly.
You cannot tell someone with BPD to just not have symptoms. So it seems all up to me to change. I have changed considerably in the last decade, with help from wonderful therapists, but feel like I just cannot become the person my kid wishes I was. I don't even know what that looks like. And I just want to be myself - the best version of myself. The depression and anxiety caused by this dysfunctional relationship makes that impossible.
I appreciate any advice, how you may have handled a similar situation, or resources I can use.
Thanks so much!

[26and3]

 
I am struggling to communicate effectively with my 23-year-old who lives with me.
It seems I cannot get through a day without making them angry. I often do not understand what the issue is, and that just makes it worse. My kid is disrespectful and speaks in a way that I find aggressive. That puts me in a bad place and I admit I don't handle it well. I feel on the defensive, angry, confused, and then it turns to deep sadness.
I've been on this rollercoaster for 11 years so you'd think I would have figured out how to communicate with my kid. But it doesn't seem to get easier. And in their eyes, I am always to blame. No accountability at all for their words and actions.
That makes me more separate from them, not something I want.
When things are good with us, we are best friends.
When they are not, we both hurt terribly.
You cannot tell someone with BPD to just not have symptoms. So it seems all up to me to change. I have changed considerably in the last decade, with help from wonderful therapists, but feel like I just cannot become the person my kid wishes I was. I don't even know what that looks like. And I just want to be myself - the best version of myself. The depression and anxiety caused by this dysfunctional relationship makes that impossible.
I appreciate any advice, how you may have handled a similar situation, or resources I can use.
Thanks so much!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[CoffeeFirst]

Hi 26and3,
Many of us have experienced this.
Wondering how much more we can change our responses/beliefs/behavior to accommodate our child’s illness and whether we can ever change enough, and if we can and do, who we will then be.
My BPD daughter actually did tell me everything about myself that I needed to change if I wanted to have a relationship with her.  As it involved changing basic tenets, my politics, who I associated with and … well,  basically I needed to be a completely different person, and that was not something I was able or willing to do. She has been no contact with me for over 2 years, so full disclosure when you are considering listening to anything I say

[CoffeeFirst]

Sorry. Only half my reply posted, so this is now much shorter.
I found the Family Connections program really helpful to build a skill set for interacting better with someone with disregulated behavior (or anyone, incidentally). It was a 13 week, online, group program for family members only and the discussions that ensued with other parents in similar situations were also really helpful. It certainly made me feel less alone, and more hopeful that progress was possible.
May be worth seeing if you can access a Family Connections program.
❤️

[26and3]

Thank you for your response. You hit the nail on the head...how much am I willing to change? I think I am very willing to learn anything that will help me communicate better. But I am not willing to be someone other than myself.
I hope it never comes to a split with my kid, but there is only so much that I control.
Having this community is so helpful. I will sign up for the family connections program soon.
Thanks again!

[kells76]

Hey 26and3,

Were you able to get started with Family Connections? We'd love to hear how it's going for you.

If you celebrate December holidays, have those gone ok for you and your family?

[hlespier]

Family connections? How can I access it. Is there a fee?

[kells76]

Here's some information about the Family Connections™ - BPD/Emotion Dysregulation Program offered by the National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder:

Family Connections™ – BPD/Emotion Dysregulation is a free, evidence-based 24-hour course that meets weekly for either 8 or 12 weeks and requires 1-2 hours of weekly homework and practice. Periodically, we also offer the course as a 2-day or 4-day weekend intensive. This course provides education, skill training, and support for individuals who are supporting someone affected by Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) or Emotion Dysregulation (ED), or exhibiting BPD/ED traits.

The sessions take place weekly through online meetings on Zoom video conferencing.

The Family Connections™ – BPD/Emotion Dysregulation program includes:

Education on BPD/ED treatments and the latest research findings.

Relationship skills based on Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) to help support your person with BPD/ED with compassion and empathy.

Support from course leaders and other participants who also have a relationship with a person with BPD/ED.

Suggestions for taking care of yourself and managing your stress.

Effective communication techniques to promote problem collaboration and/or solving.

Hope that helps;

kells76