Newly Estranged from Adult Son

[holdingontohope]

Hello,
I am a parent of a 32 year old son who was diagnosed years ago with BPD.  He is also an alcoholic and uses marijuana (I know it is legal now for some states, mine included, but still...it is abuse and addiction for him). 

Our story is way to long to share here, but I recently found this site and I am so thankful.  Recently, I had to call the police during a visit (my son was at my house, and his step dad was not home).  LONG story, but in a nutshell, he refused to leave, became extremely intoxicated (.34 level), got even worse with yelling and swearing/name calling me about things that happened in the past (tough love situations we had to do when he was younger--all like 12-13 years ago now, and ALL due to HIS behavior and actions, and all when he was an ADULT).  He just could not and cannot let go of the past and demands we apologize and tells us how awful we (my husband and I) are on a pretty regular basis.  He doesn't seem to remember the student loans I paid off for him, the $4000 he still owes me for a car I bought for him which was to be a "loan," how many apartments and living situations we set him up for a FRESH START over and over again...the list could go on. 

ANYWAY...thankfully, one of my other grown sons was also home that day, and was able to wrestle him to the ground so that I could call the police.  We needed help.  They ended up taking him to detox right then and there.  He got out the same day once he sobered up, and had the audacity to call me and TELL me he needed a ride home!  He expected me to come and get him--this was AFTER a couple of hours of yelling and screaming at me (I kept trying to de-escalate the situation and hear him out and try to talk through some things--you would think I would have learned by now).

Anyway, we have not talked much since (except for angry texts from him, totally blaming me for the "trauma" I caused him that day (and his whole life).  We tried to meet with him in person as a family last week after about 6 weeks from the incident (this happened in October).  We went to work through things and talk about boundaries we would have in place moving forward, and told him we were there to listen to him, as well, etc.  He started spiraling and talking about past traumas again, and how toxic and awful we are, and ended up kicking us out of his apartment!  My gosh, you would think we would learn, but a part of me wants to keep trying, getting him to come around, CHRISTMAS is coming for goodness sake.  But THIS is what we are met with.  It was so disheartening.

I am finally at a point where I think I just need to distance myself from him and really protect myself and my heart.  If this was ANYONE else on the planet, I would not put up with this kind of treatment.  It is so very hard when it is your child, though--no matter how old they are.  He basically said his friends are his family and we are not (goes on and on how we favor our two sons his step dad and I have together, which we do NOT, it is just that they do not and have never exhibited the behaviors he has, so the same consequences have not applied to them).  He sees it as favoritism and refuses to see his part in ANY of this.  He self-sabotages his relationship with all of us all of the time, but can't see it for anything.

This will be our first Christmas EVER in his life when we will not be together (my husband and grown sons have said NO WAY will they do Christmas with him, ESPECIALLY with how he has treated me and spoken to me so disrespectfully--and isn't ONE BIT sorry for it).  This past incident is NOT a first time offense, either--but it is the first time I have ever called the police.  Now he knows I stand by what I say, and I can't back down now.  But it is so very hard, because I have moments where I remember how much I love him, how kind he can be, how much he loves us and loves being with us, ESPECIALLY at Christmas.  Breaks my heart into a thousand pieces when I stop to think of it. Wondering how you all get through it?  I feel so alone in this, but am glad for the support of my husband and grown sons. 

Thanks for listening, sorry this has gotten so long.  I am open to any and all advice or sharing of similar stories.  I try to be positive, pray a lot, and LET GO as much as I can.  I guess I am seeing now more than ever that my "helping" all of these years has been "enabling," and I want to stop it for his sake and mine, in the long run.  Thanks for any support you may have to offer, and for LISTENING!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi holdingontohope and a warm welcome to the group 

"Normal range" parenting and relating often doesn't cut it when a child is struggling with BPD. You S32 seems to have addiction layered on top of that, so it wasn't surprising to read that he became so volatile.

When S32 got diagnosed, was he accepting of the diagnosis, or did he try to minimize it/downplay it?

Does he see himself as an addict?

And I think I'm reading correctly that he is not living with you -- does he live with roommates or on his own, and is he able to hold down a job?

I guess I am seeing now more than ever that my "helping" all of these years has been "enabling," and I want to stop it for his sake and mine, in the long run.

That sounds like a key realization to have.

It can be okay for the way to love an adult child, to look different than the way you loved your young child. One example that comes to mind is that while it's very loving to wipe your baby's bottom, it's very unloving to do that for your adult child! You still love your child at any age, yet specific things you did in the past are no longer the best way to love him.

Stepping back for a bit and allowing him to experience the natural outcomes of his choices may show you that he is more resourceful than anticipated. I wonder if he somehow resents how his limitations led him to needing/accepting so much help over the years, and his unskilled way of communicating that is to say that you're awful?

This will be our first Christmas EVER in his life when we will not be together (my husband and grown sons have said NO WAY will they do Christmas with him, ESPECIALLY with how he has treated me and spoken to me so disrespectfully--and isn't ONE BIT sorry for it).  This past incident is NOT a first time offense, either--but it is the first time I have ever called the police.  Now he knows I stand by what I say, and I can't back down now.  But it is so very hard, because I have moments where I remember how much I love him, how kind he can be, how much he loves us and loves being with us, ESPECIALLY at Christmas.  Breaks my heart into a thousand pieces when I stop to think of it. Wondering how you all get through it?  I feel so alone in this, but am glad for the support of my husband and grown sons. 

Christmas and holidays can raise a lot of questions, when you're figuring out a new family dynamic.

Practically speaking, many people have to split up celebrations, even in "generally normal" families -- someone can't make it from out of state for Christmas Day, so there is one celebration that day and then one other celebration later on. It would be a normal thing to do to celebrate Christmas with those family members who can manage themselves, and then to either offer a different celebration to your S32later on, or to take a pass on "together time" for now and reassess in the future.

Taking a break from each other, recalibrating your level of involvement, and then "testing the waters" later could help all of you. The break doesn't have to be forever or look any particular way.

As you get comfortable here, feel free to check out our articles on When a teen or adult child has Borderline Personality Disorder -- let us know what's helpful.

...

Have you tried any alanon or "parent of addict" type support groups yet?

...

-kells76

[holdingontohope]

Thank you so much for your response.  Yes, at the time, my son did say that he thought the Borderline diagnosis was accurate. He also admits now to being an alcoholic, and "has" to drink or he gets very sick.  He has tried to quit "cold turkey" and ended up in the ER and detox.  We were proud of him for trying, and for going through detox, but now, a month and a half later, he is drinking again.  He says he can "manage it" and "needs" to drink or he gets sick.  Of course, he also says we are the reason he drinks, so there is that. 

I hear what you are saying about enabling, and I guess I have always worried more about him, felt that he couldn't do as well as my other sons, because he has shown us just that repeatedly.  His anxiety/depression holds him down, causes him to procrastinate, and his motivation to do anything differently has dwindled to almost nothing. 

I have tried to cut back on support given, and he has been living with a roommate (another adult single male, a friend of his from years ago) for quite some time now (thank goodness!).  I feel that his roommate may be at the end of his rope with my son, and I worry about what may happen if he decided to now renew their lease (on the apartment they live in). My son works part time, I don't think pays an equal share of rent, has a car that is falling apart--it is just not good.  I have helped pay to keep his cars going (and helped him get  "new" used cars for himself) because  I know that without transportation, he will not be able to support himself at all. I think this is why I have always "swooped in" to help in that area. But, he has never paid me back for all of the money I have loaned him (even though we said it would be a "loan" that he could pay off in payments to me). He would start with payments that would quickly dwindle until they just stopped. I have paid off his student loans, to give him a "fresh start" but to no avail.  I have paid for car tires, money owed for taxes, have DONE his taxes, and have set him up in new apartments 5-6 times (with towels, dishes, pots, pans, bedding, etc).  Last year, when he found out he wasn't going to get tax money back, I loaned (gave) him $1500 since he had been COUNTING on that money. I see the error of my ways now, but I truly just was trying to help, and to "keep him afloat," since he is barely scraping by ALL of the time.  Has enough money for alcohol, but not for these things--funny how that happens.

My husband and I have gone to AA meetings in the past, but have not gone for a few years, now.  He travels for a living, so his schedule is hit or miss.  I wish there was an online forum like this for AA, or an easier way to attend.  I think there are online groups, but I have not had a chance to really look into those yet, since our episode in October.  It is all I can do to get through my work day (I am a 3rd grade teacher), and feel so emotionally exhausted lately, I just haven't had the time or energy to look into it.  But, I will--maybe over Christmas break. 

Thank you for your take on Christmas--I will try to frame it this way in my mind.  We are not a family that has ever had to do anything like this for Christmas--we have always been together so far, all of these years.  I think that is why it is hitting me hard this year--it will be our first Christmas apart, EVER.  I know it is just a day, but it is a season for me, and my favorite, filled with so many memories of years past.  I think I just hate the idea of my son being left out (I know he feels the same way about Christmas and us being together as a family--at least deep down, even though he is mad at us for the moment).  It breaks my heart to be apart under these circumstances, and not just because one of us lives far away or has to work, etc.  But, thanks for giving me a different perspective on this, I will try to think of it this way, instead. 

I am so glad to have found this group, thank you again.  I am still learning how to use the site, and will look into the articles available also.  Thank you.

[CC43]

Hello Hope,

I'm sorry you've had to endure your situation for so long.  My situation has some parallels to yours, but it's also different, starting with the fact that I'm a step-mom, and my family member with BPD is my step-daughter, who is in her mid-20s.  Since I didn't raise her from birth, I perhaps feel less guilt and responsibility, which I understand would be tearing you apart!

What I can say is that my stepdaughter's BPD episodes were made much worse with marijuana.  While she thought she was self-medicating to deal with anxiety and stress, the reality was that she suffered bouts of paranoia, and at the same time, her executive function became impaired.  Once I heard her describe herself as "scatterbrained," and that was an apt description.  Her bad habits and her negativity adversely impacted her performance in school and work, leading her to quit everything.  Then she would consume marijuana more heavily, creating a downward spiral.  Frustrated, she lashed out at everyone, projecting her anger about her situation onto others.  She blamed others, especially family members, for her own poor choices.  She had to "hit bottom" to realize that she needed help.  At her bottom, she lost all her friends, wrecked all her relationships with her family and quit everything, and she had to come home to live with me and her father once again.  Getting treatment and following through with doctors' orders (including quitting marijuana, getting therapy and taking medication) were required for her to be allowed back home.  She is doing a little better now, but she did relapse (after going off prescribed medication), making her hit bottom yet again.  Bottoms were marked by suicide attempts, each one more serious than the last.  Like your situation, 911 was called, and my stepdaughter remains furious about being forced to go to the hospital when she was a danger to herself and others.

Like your situation, this has been dragging on for a very long time.  I see someone with talent and promise make a series of poor decisions while failing to embrace adulthood.  She's negative and angry, and she blames everyone but herself.  She is so fixated on how others seemingly mistreated her years ago, that she's using it as an excuse not to look forward.  (She uses the word "trauma," but I don't see the past that way; her telling of events is highly distorted, including the story of the 911 incident.)  Though she has gotten a little better, her dysfunction has endured for so long, that she's now years behind her peers, and she's still completely dependent on her father, financially and emotionally.  She both resents and is furious about that.  She often accuses others of treating her like a little girl, which is a projection of her own insecurity and a reflection of her own childish behavior.  She basically is still a little girl, with extreme neediness, unrealistic expectations of others to do things for her, reluctance to take charge of her life, throwing tantrums when she doesn't get her way, low tolerance of stress or discomfort, unwillingness to work full-time, and an inability to delay gratification.  In fact, I think she has regressed.  She seemed more functional in high school, when she attended full-time and got decent grades.

I think part of the reason this has dragged on for so long is enablement.  I think my husband likes "rescuing" her.  He's a provider, a role many men gravitate towards.  But by rescuing and providing, he's shielding his daughter from facing the consequences of her behavior and learning how to live life.  Maybe my stepdaughter needed more TLC growing up, but he just couldn't give her enough, being more of a provider than a nurturer.  He tries hard, but most of the time she'll shut him out, because she gets what she thinks she wants anyway--full financial support.  Since she turned 18, my husband has always said, she's an adult, I can't make her do anything.  But I disagree, because she's 100% dependent on him, and her thinking is so distorted that she's not making decisions in her own best interest.  I think he could make his support conditional--she should have to get treatment (and follow it) and work full-time for his continued support.  If she wants to do things her way, that's her choice.  He thinks the only alternative is "throwing her out on the street," which he can't abide, and I understand the source of his fear.  It's his baby we're talking about!  But I'm more in favor of weaning her off the support, and encouraging her to embrace adult-level responsibilities sooner rather than later, before bad habits become ingrained.  She's already spent years sleeping all day, checked out of life and wallowing in a pit of despair.  If I were her mother, I'd have all sorts of rules and incentives in place in the household, starting with no wi-fi or internet at night (when people should be sleeping, not scrolling on the phone or playing video games), no marijuana and not being allowed in the house during normal working hours.  She should have to pay for her phone and gas at least.  But I'm not her mom, and her dad doesn't like rules, because she'll punish him for enforcing them with estrangement.  I imagine that for him, the pain in his heart is greater than the pain in his pocketbook, at least for now.  He deferred retirement and continues to work full-time so that his grown daughter doesn't have to!

The holidays put everyone on edge.  There's a risk that my stepdaughter doesn't attend, because her siblings and extended family are deemed "triggers" for her.  Past holidays have brought on meltdowns.  My stepdaughter can't handle seeing other family members who are happy, professionally successful or in romantic relationships--making her feel depressed by comparison.  Since misery likes miserable company, she often lashes out at holidays.  I'm bracing myself for this Christmas.  It's sad that my husband and I are apprehensive about the holiday--at this stage in life, we probably thought that the holidays would be joyful.  It's disappointing that a fully grown woman can't seem to handle a day with the entire family without incident.  I imagine that many others on this site are feeling similarly, maybe even in mourning, for losing hope for happiness as a family.

And that gets me to Hope, which is probably on your mind given your username.  Maybe we're so distressed because we still have hope for the people we love, who show so much promise and yet continue to make bad decisions.  I go back and forth between having hope, and then revising my expectations for my stepdaughter.  When I have hope, I'm regularly disappointed.  Then when I revise my expectations downward, I feel like I've given up.  At one point, I was thinking, I have a special-needs child in my life.  Then I think of some friends who have an adult child with Down Syndrome.  Most of these adult children seem to be happy, and they also have a job which must give them a sense of independence and autonomy.  Then I think, is it really too much for me to expect my stepdaughter with BPD to get a job to feel independence and autonomy, especially given her intellect and talents?  Then I go back to feeling hope again, and the cycle continues.

All the best to you.

[holdingontohope]

Hi, CC43.  Yes, I try to have hope because I never want to say never!  But, oh do I hear you--the cycles between being hopeful and being disappointed/sad/GRIEVING is so emotionally exhausting.  I am getting more and more to the point of just saying enough is enough and not spending my time worrying about what my son does or does not do.  I can't change it, anyway, and I am spending too much of my time thinking and worrying about him--more than he is about himself!  I am getting too old for this!  We are almost empty nesters, and should be enjoying these years, and my son is 32.  I am TIRED of all of it, and really want to stop enabling, once and for all (even though it breaks my heart at time because it DOES go against everything you feel as a parent, normally).  It is just not easy, plain and simple!

I do know that my husband and I struggled for years, because he is my son's step dad.  He wanted to be tougher on my son with firm boundaries, etc. which I could understand, BUT I felt like he was TOO harsh on the boundaries, and wanted a "slow release" method, too.  So, we did a little of this and a little of that, and were never really on the same page, and that was NOT helpful.  But, YOU HAVE RIGHTS as to what you feel should be done with your stepdaughter, just as my husband did.  You are a TEAM and should come together to make boundaries that you both feel comfortable with, and be a united front with your step daughter.  Not trying to tell you what to do, no judgement here, but just saying, it is so important to be on the same page, and you do not have to stay silent just because you are the "step" mom.  Still your house and your husband, and your family--I hope you don't feel like you can't have a say as to what goes on, because both you and your husband should be equally represented. 

It is a process, for sure--good luck, and stay strong during the holidays.  It definitely can be a tough time for families with these kinds of issues.  But, we should not have to sacrifice our joy because of their drama.  So easy to fall into that, though, but this year I am looking forward to a peaceful Christmas, although sad that we won't all be together.  But, trying to see it as a relaxed, drama free time with the family members that will be there.  We deserve that!
Hope you have a Merry Christmas!

[CC43]

Oh my goodness Hope, you seem to understand my situation!  Thanks for the reply, even though this isn't my post.

It's true that my husband and I haven't seen eye to eye about what to do about his BPD daughter.  We were married at an older age, when my husband's children were young adults, so I didn't have any impact on their upbringing.  Their mother lives nearby, and she's still in their lives, so I'm simply not their mom.  Also, my husband is not very open to my opinions when it comes to his children, and I get where he's coming from.  After all, he was a single dad for well over a decade.  He's made it clear that his kids come first, not me.

However, many times I feel like I read the situation more clearly, because I'm not blinded by FOG (fear, obligation and guilt--what a great way to put it).  What happens is, when I bring up issues of enablement, my husband sees it as criticism of both his child and parenting, and he shuts me out.  I've learned over the years that I have to be very judicious about what I say regarding his daughter, and only attempt to communicate when a "window" is open.  I'm allowed maybe 10 or 20 words before the window slams shut.

There were a couple of window openings after her third suicide attempt (there have been four in total that I know of, plus two by her older sibling, but that's another story--suffice it to say that suicide is contagious and starts a "nuclear" arms race).  One opening was when he asked me to pretend like her suicide attempt didn't happen, but I said, you have to take her to the hospital, she's not well.  Another opening was when he broke down and asked, what can I do?  I've tried everything!  That's when I said, I think we do whatever the doctors say, and your job is to ensure that she follows through.  (Fortunately, our insurance and mental healthcare resources are top-notch.)  That was a pivotal moment, because he was relieved of figuring out how to treat this confounding illness, and he had new resolve to enforce some boundaries with his daughter regarding her care.  Previously, his daughter would refuse to follow doctors' recommendations (e.g. a therapy program, medications) because she wanted something else (e.g. to go on a trip, use marijuana).  I thought that was preposterous, but previously my husband let her make poor choices anyway, probably because when she doesn't get her way, she has a nuclear meltdown.  You know how it goes!

Like you, we're exhausted by the situation.  It's getting old.  How my stepdaughter clings to her mostly-fabricated victimhood status is almost unbelievable to me.  Yet I see how her behavior confers many benefits--free housing, food, car, insurance, a bottomless debit card, freedom--it must feel nearly impossible for her to stop being a bratty leech and take some responsibility for herself.  She hates the world (aka her family) for making her feel like a little girl, yet she doesn't want any adult responsibilities, because adulting is hard!  I hate to see her do this to herself.  If I were her mom, I would have never rewarded her poor choices with rescues, more money and freedom from responsibility as her dad has done time and time again.  But I'm not her mom.  Yet I do spend a lot of time thinking about my stepdaughter, how and why she is struggling, while I'm waiting for another window of opportunity to get a few words in with my husband.  He does listen, and he really wants what's best for his daughter, but he still can't seem to let her face any consequences from her choices, because of the FOG.  Thus her learning about life is very stunted.  And then I'm stuck with the hope vs. "mourning" cycle.

[holdingontohope]

CC43, I hear every word you are saying, and I just want to say, I WAS your husband in our situation.  Not to that extreme, but I often felt like I had to defend my child to my current husband, felt like he was being "too mean," or not compassionate enough, etc.  My husband is a good problem solver in many areas, and can usually see right away what needs to be done.  However, he has a much easier time just doing this or doing that without getting wrapped up emotionally (which is my downfall), and that is a helpful trait, for sure.  Not that he doesn't have feelings or compassion, but he sees the big picture and says things like they are sometimes!  As frustrating as that can be to me in the moment, ! 

But, my point is, I am recently seeing our situation in a whole new light, almost like I am "waking up" and seeing things as they really are.  I feel like I woke from a nap and am looking around, going, "what has been happening here?  How did we get here?"  When my son was yelling and swearing at me, calling me every name in the book and I FINALLY had the sense to call the police to have him removed...well, it shook me to my core.  I felt like the rose colored glasses were taken off of me in that moment, and I see clearly now, that I WAS enabling him (by trying to help, or trying to avoid an anxiety/rage episode).  I was doing it out of love, but it did NOT help my son ONE BIT.  It just made matters worse.  There were times that we DID use tough love, and my husband was so proud of me, but I would eventually "cave" and slowly get things "comfortable" again and back to "normal."  I see now that that was wrong, and I am trying to TRULY help my son by NOT giving in to his demands. 

It is somewhat "easy" at the moment because he doesn't need anything in particular right now, but I am waiting for the EARTHQUAKE to hit when his car breaks down, or his roommate moves out and he needs to find another place to live, etc.  I KNOW he will be asking for money, or a different car, or to move back home---but there is NO WAY that can happen.  So, I am bracing myself for having to be strong during those times that are most likely going to occur--and trying to enjoy the "peace" or "downtime" at the moment.  I KNOW I am going to have to say no, and my son will not do well with that, but he will be FORCED to have to figure it out without being rescued.  And that is what he NEEDS to feel in order to be motivated to really DO something for himself. 

It is a tough place to be, but I do hope that your husband one day realizes how he is truly holding his daughter back by giving in.  I totally understand his feelings in the matter, but I do hope he sees things clearly one day as I do now.  In the meantime, I would say, continue to try to plant seeds when you can, food for thought for him, and take advantage of any "window opening" that may occur.  Feel free to tell him about me, if it will help. WE ARE NOT HELPING OUR CHILDREN BY RESCUING THEM, and instead, we are allowing them to take up our time and energy of almost every moment of every day, and that is NOT okay.  Boundaries are okay, and a MUST!  It is time to take our lives back, and our kids may not like it at first, but hopefully, in time, they will come around.  There is my HOPE...but the tricky part is to not live or die for that hope, but to be okay if the outcome never comes.  Living with hope, though, allows me to feel just a little lighter, because without hope, what is the purpose of any of this?  There is ALWAYS hope, and we have to have faith that things will work out as they are supposed to.  Sure, we can HOPE it will be the way we want it to be, but if we give a boundary or say NO, then we have to allow our children to deal with that in whichever way they will.  However, we do not have to stick around and be exposed to their abuse because of it. 

I am not sure if I can share links here or not, forgive me admin if it is not okay!  But there was a VERY helpful podcast my husband sent me the other day (the Dr. Laura radio show) that talked about this very topic (this was more regarding children addicted to drugs or alcohol, but I think the concept is the same with the behaviors we put up with--and, for me it fits, because my son has turned to alcohol and marijuana to self medicate).  She is a bit blunt, short, and to the point, but I think for effect.  And WOW, it makes you sit up and take notice, and by the end of that podcast, I felt very empowered and like YES, she is RIGHT.  This is MY LIFE and I cannot waste it with this drama.  That is not a life to me!  Here is the link if you are interested, and maybe your husband would listen? 

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/dr-lauras-deep-dive-podcast/id1217521047?i=1000637795898

Good luck, and remember to engage in SELF CARE, whatever that may be for you--we need it!

[Leaf56]

Great post, holdingontohope!

[CC43]

Hope, thanks for your thoughtful response, and thanks for the link.  I'm choosing hope today.