From suburban Australia

[Siggster]

Hi

 I am a 59 year old long-time divorced, single woman from Australia. I have three adult daughters. My youngest and eldest were diagnosed with BPD when still teens. The youngest (30) has recently been 'cleared' of the diagnosis and is living a pretty settled  and good life with children and partner and pursuing goals. My second daughter is also doing well, settled, partnered and pursuing her dreams. My eldest (36) has a partner, lives alone, doesn't work and never really had a real job, believes in all manner of conspiracy theories and loves and despises me. 'Needs' me and hates my guts. I have been working with a counsellor for some time for myself and sanity. She is helpful and a good support, but I need more. Some days, I just want to die. I am frequently walking on eggshells and about once every two to three weeks, I am being ripped in pieces by her as to what a terrible/stupid/ offed up/cowardly/monstrous/willfully ignorant/etc/etc/etc person  I am. But what really causes the most pain  is when she lashes out at or punishes other family members who are completely innocent. That started when the pandemic broke out and my daughter listened to all the misinformation/disinformation about vaccines and also it was all very much an unknown and frightening event back then. My sister, as usual, invited everyone to family Christmas at her place. But the mother of my sister's little granddaughters requested that nobody be there who had not been vaccinated. My sister A: did not want to jeopardise being able to see her granddaughters (her son and the mum had split up and it had been rather traumatic)and B: is married to a guy with fairly severe health issues, so thought that was probably a fair ask and thing to do.
Now someone without a personality disorder but who doesn't trust vaccines may not have liked it, but would probably have been understanding and respected the rules. But my daughter absolutely shredded my sister, called a C*** and has never spoken to her since. She made it completely about her rather than people just trying to take resonanble precautions at a time when nobody really knew just how dangerous this covid thing may or may not be.
Anyway, skip to now. My daughter, was invited to family Christmas at my second eldest daughter's place this year. To my surprise, and anxiety, she said yes she would come. Anxiety because my sister will be there AND the mother of my sister's granddaughters who my eldest daughter equates with the devil himself. So I had asked for it to be a non-alcoholic event but I didn't say why. (although I dont drink and haven't for well over a decade) but it was because I feared that tongues might be loosened and regrettable things said under the fuel-power of booze. and ultimately this could lead to my sister losing access to her grandkids. Nobody was really happy about it, and it looked like my eldest daughter and her partner were going to bring wine anyway. So, I just decided they're all adults and I cant be responsible for what takes place and just hope for the best. But eldest daughter pressed me on why I 'Really' didn't want alcohol there. So I told her. That I was basically anxious, that alcohol can have the effect off loosening tongues and inhibitions and things had never been resolved properly between herself and my sister. So now, she says she's not coming.  She hates my guts. She hates my sisters guts. She hates the mother of the grandkids. We're all 'toxic' and pathetic and she's disowning the lot of us. In a nutshell, minus many expletives and insults.
The thing is. Sometimes we have really good conversations about movies, music, art. She has a great sense of humour when she's not drowning in anger and hate etc. Like....it's not always horrible and unbearable.
But honestly...I'm just getting too old for this PLEASE READ. I'm worn down. She did DBT for a year. But she needs more help. And she isn't going to get it, because of course, 'psychiatrists and the medical establishment cant be trusted'...most of them are in on the vaccine conspiracy. As am I, by being 'willfully ignorant' because I don't hold much value on what Joe Bloggs from Rumble or YouTube/Facebook/whatever say. And I don't believe vaccines contain self-assembling robots , have killed 70 million people and put IP addresses in our bodies so government can control us. Yeah...that's the kind of thing she's come to really believe. Fanatically at times. The internet is hell. But here I am.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Siggster]

And actually, I am also wondering if there are any or many other parents with adult children with BPD (or other PD maybe) have fallen into conspiracy theory rabbit holes. I used to think a lot of these theories were fairly harmless silliness. Not anymore.

[Leaf56]

Hi Siggster, yes my son has fallen into the conspiracy theory rabbit holes. He subscribed to the one about powerful people being half lizards first:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reptilian_conspiracy_theory

I'm not sure whether he's actively pursuing that one now. There have been some other super specific to him weird ones induced by his acid trips. In general he's variously "not sure I'm real," "doesn't trust me that I'm telling the truth about pedophiles" (the whole Epstein/pizzagate thing), thinks he's been abducted by aliens, thinks he could be the second coming of Jesus, etc. He goes in and out of saying he really believes these things and laughing it off, the same way he goes in and out of behaving normally and attacking me.

[holdingontohope]

Hello, I read your message, and am so sorry for your pain.  I share in this with you, unfortunately.  My 32 year old son also has BPD (and substance abuse issues).  He, too, can be kind, funny, peaceful--a movie buff, and self taught guitar player/song writer.  He COULD have so much going for him, but instead, has a part time pizza delivery job and no motivation to do much of anything else.  He does not live with me or my husband (his step dad) because we had to evict him years ago (he still blames us for his troubles because of that, even though he was a young adult at the time, and was capable of working and finding his own place). 

Anyway, my son was in the camp of anti-vaxers during Covid, and decided it was the government's way of controlling all of us/thinning the herd, etc.  He refused to wear a mask anywhere he went, and ranted his views on facebook for all to see.  It is one thing to have your opinion about these things, but as you said, the BPD person does not do these things quietly.  I am sorry your daughter said and did the things she did to your sister and to you.  I imagine she took it as rejection, since BPDers are prone to being triggered by what they perceive as rejection, even though the person without BPD would see that is not the case.

Sending you love and light during this holiday season.  Sorry, I do not have the answers, but I do offer my support.  You are not alone!

[Siggster]

Thankyou 'Leaf' and 'Holding on to Hope'.
Yes. My daughter, who I will simply refer to as 'B' is very much concerned with fear or rejection. It is so strange with this disorder how much you are actually pushed to reject and frequently tested and expected to reject. Over and over and over. I almost feel the conspiracy stuff is a kind of golden opportunity for B to use as a way to push everyone away while also being terrified of being abandoned.
I am afraid I am still far from being able to not take things personally, not be hurt/angry/fearful,  not kind of believe the messages I am told about myself, not have unrealistic expectations and generally not be emotionally enmeshed. But I am at least aware of these contributive parts I play in the dynamics it is comforting to know I am not alone. The feeling alone is one of the most awful, depressing aspects of loving someone with BPD. But there are so many complicated emotions to navigate and manage. I wish I was this super wise, enlightenment person. Anyway. I am so grateful to have found this excellent website and forum. .