UGH so done in.

[CravingPeace]

Please forgive my spelling type in haste between looking after kids and my chores! Big vent!


My wife ahhhhh. Went out to get her hair done at 6pm friday night. I rushed back from work as the sole bread winner to tqke the kids. Under alot of business pressure right now which she knows. She Went to accupuncture today at 10am got back at 12. I said i had to do jobs outside and lowes so went to lowes came back to sort some jobs.. At 2pm (2 hrs later)  she started hassling me how long i would be. So at 230pm had kids again( 5, 6 and baby) She went down to sort out her hord of possessions (i have paid for) in the basement. I was Making dinner at 5pm and cleaning kitchen while i was cooking. She came in and complained the baby was bored. I took baby in other room to entertain him. Heard her complaining the kitchen was a mess and she hated it to the other kids which i had just been trying to clean when she complained about baby. She then went for her 3rd milk pump of the day where she sits on a bed on her own for 1.5 hours watching netflix, instagram and chatting to her friends. I am honestly so done.

She is annoyed with me at the moment as we had a full conversation the other day about making it work or getting divorced. I said we should try and make it work as getting divorced is no guarantee of happiness and would be bad on kids and finances and we prob wouldnt be happier.  She said she has been researching 600k houses and she thinks she would be fine and happier. I explained 1/2 of what we have is not 600k it would be less. She said stop trying to put me off divorce. I said I am not but we need to be realiatic of finances. She has no idea. You cant just half the house, there is a mortgage, realtors to pay etc. I said honestly i had an appointment with an attorney but cancelled it as i dont want to do it. Next day she said she was really angry about what i had said, how deceptive and deceatful it is to plan to speak to an attorney without telling her. I explained that is how people plan and understand options but i disnt go the end as id rather sort things. But what about all the stuff she said about being fine and shopping for houses, and saying she would be happier divorced? As soon as I say i was investigating I am the bad guy? Sorry this is a vent but I am so done in. And yes I know she is run by feelings etc etc but doesn't make this level of unfairness easier.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Wanda]

HEllo

Being with a BPD person isn't easy, when I first started learning all of this I read so many books about BPD and then co dependent
 I had to set boundaries and use those tools. there is a lot to read on here as well .
 I had kids at time to not his though.
You I say must be a strong person to do what you do wich seems like a lot. taking care of the house and kids.
 Part of. having BPD is blaming you for everything and that can weigh on you. it is good you got this site to vent on because you know about the BPD and that can be a burden all its own and if there are others who know maybe you can lean on them.

you do a lot due to not wanting to rock the boat and helping her due to baby. hang in there hopefully tomorrow is better .

[thankful person]

Hi craving peace,

I’m in a lesbian marriage where my wife is the birth mother of our 3 small children, and I entirely relate to your situation. I also work hard to support our family, care for our kids when I’m home and do the vast majority of meal preparation and housework. Whatever I do or don’t do, my wife will find something to complain about. Divorce has been mentioned many times, particularly since our third child arrived last year. My wife doesn’t even like me working and tries to sabotage it and control it and get me to cancel work (I’m self employed) but at the same time complains that I don’t earn enough and we never have any money and at the same time spends loads of money we don’t have. If I do housework she complains I don’t want to be with her. But she complains if I don’t do it. If I take care of our children I get accused of taking over like everything is a competition. I’m reading “Understanding the borderline mother” and it is interesting my wife fits the profile of the borderline queen. Anyway I just thought I’d jump in on your vent, I hope you don’t mind but I do find it helps to hear other’s experiences and I don’t feel so alone since joining bpd family.

[CravingPeace]

Hi Wanda and Thankful.

Wanda thankyou today wasnt much better! Infact worse! I get barrage of text accusing me or all sorts of things. Most I see are projection. Today she told me i see everything in balck and white, becuae I said I disnt want to engage in text arguments as an example.  Also i am cold and unemotional as i dont want to argue... she ia trying everything as she is struggling and me not defending and engaging is really causing her issues as she is not getting the emotional feedback she craves I believe. She also said she is sick of living in a hoarder house. When she is the one that has only just recebtly accepted she has an issue with stuff and throwing it away ! And I keep pushing to throe stuff and clear out, and do it with anything of mine she asks to be gone to make it happen!

Thankful I have read some of your posts what is interesting is the similarities in what you deal with in a lesbian marriage that I do in a straight marriage. Sorry is straight PC? Not trying to put my foot in it. But my point is we are both dealing with thr same pain and it transends sexual preference! Well my preference is to have sex but i havent got any for over a decade other than when she wants to procreate of course she tells me she has had a change of heart and really wants me... then gets pregnant and it stops... anyway I digress how are you going to deal with this? Not sure i am going to continue after 12 years of marriage.

[thankful person]

Thankful I have read some of your posts what is interesting is the similarities in what you deal with in a lesbian marriage that I do in a straight marriage. Sorry is straight PC? Not trying to put my foot in it. But my point is we are both dealing with thr same pain and it transends sexual preference! Well my preference is to have sex but i havent got any for over a decade other than when she wants to procreate of course she tells me she has had a change of heart and really wants me... then gets pregnant and it stops... anyway I digress how are you going to deal with this? Not sure i am going to continue after 12 years of marriage.

It takes a lot to upset or offend me haha don’t worry! I am not a butch lesbian, in fact when everyone was celebrating gay marriage I had been in a straight relationship for 12 years or something and had no idea I was to marry a woman! But I do relate to the husbands on here. We’ve only been married 6 years. How old is your baby? Ours has just turned 1. At times my wife seems to be feeling better about me and everything but then she’ll turn round and tell me, “you always ruin everything”. Like today we got a couple of pet rabbits because yesterday she decided she wanted rabbits and actually it was a weak moment for me because I adore rabbits. So while she was at the pantomime with D4 I was suddenly instructed to sort out a cage as we’re collecting them today. So I got a cage and food and hay and everything else they would need but as usual I “ruined everything” by “taking over” when I should have just got the cage. Or something. I don’t even know what tbh. I’m trying to make it work. It’s not because I think it’s better for the kids that we’re together, I don’t know what’s better or worse for them, but what I do know is I don’t want to be apart from them and the custody battle would be vicious and financially we would be entirely destroyed. I’m eternally positive and I really want things to be ok and I’m still struggling with the acceptance that she will never think things are ok.

[CravingPeace]

That Rabbit example is a really good example of crazy making. You can't win no matter waht you do. And I don't really mean win. By win I mean be appreciated! You will juat always be in the wrong. My youngest is 3 months. I sais I only wanted two and explained the emotional, financial and othet logic reasons but she told me that was selfish to stop her having a 3rd, she moped for weeks saying she was mourning the loss of her third child, i felt terrible. . She then started trying it on, and saying she was older she would never get pregant that quickly she just really wanted me now. Me being a thirsty desperate boy who had barely had sex for 3 years after a few drinks gave in. Then came number 3. I love him so much but I will always resent her for the way she guilted and conieved me into it. I know realise havinganother child shoukd be a yes from both. It was really her that was the selfish one for pushing me/emotionally blackmailing me into it. Sorry I digressed some things cut deep I guess...

I hear you about finances and custody. My salary is fair, and we prob have enough cash for a 2/3 bed appartment or housr each but still it would hurt. 50-60% of my income would go for 10 years.

Also we live in a different country from most family and friends so how would that work! Its hard but I just dont feel like i can keep going.

[CC43]

Hi Craving, I'm sorry you're struggling and frustrated.  I know you saw my comments about projection.  Before that "aha" moment, when I was on the receiving end of rants or unfair criticism, I would typically take the accusations personally.  Like you, I often felt that I was working very hard at paying the bills, running the household and trying to keep everyone happy.  Thus it would sting to receive critical and cruel accusations, rather than a single thank-you or nod of recognition for the work I was doing!  Nevertheless, when I came to realize that most of the time the accusations were projections in search of a target of blame (me)--and that the accusations weren't really about me at all--I felt much calmer.  The problem wasn't with me anymore!  Instead, I would reflect, there she goes again, she must have had another disappointment today, and she's taking it out on me.  I'll acknowledge her feelings calmly, but I won't argue or defend.  In fact, I will go about doing exactly what I had planned.  That gives me greater control, and it has a much lower chance of ruining my day.  Cruel email or text?  It's literally spam.  It's not about us.

When it comes to unequal household duties, a tactic I've tried with some success is to frame a chore like this:  "Do you expect me to clean out your things from the basement?"  If she responds in the negative, then you can reply calmly, "Great," and she shouldn't complain about the lack of help.  If she says yes, then she's giving you permission to clear out her stuff, and you can go ahead and get it done.  Either way, she shouldn't complain about the outcome, because you gave her the "control" in deciding.

Another conciliatory tactic I try is to use abundant praise.  You know how you sometimes feel unappreciated?  Well you can turn that around and praise her when she does something right.  "Thanks so much for taking out the garbage!  Thanks for leaving me some coffee!  You look nice today.  That's a nice outfit."  I literally try to "catch her in the act" of doing something right so that I can compliment it.

[thankful person]

Craving peace, I do understand. I didn’t want any of our children at the time she did, because I never thought our relationship was stable enough to raise a family. My wife has pressured me into many things including leaving my ex and the country we had moved to, marriage, ivf kids. It sounds so pathetic but it’s true. I absolutely adore our kids and they are an amazing thing to come out of this. But when w bullied me into leaving my ex, don’t get me wrong I was besotted with her and I wanted her but he was devastated and I told them both I would never leave him. There were of course reasons I was unhappy with him, but it took me years to get over the guilt of the way I treated him.

CC43, I agree with most of your tactics. However, the thing about getting w to agree with whatever doesn’t work here. I knew I was on dodgy territory being asking to sort the rabbits out with a cage. I thought I got her agreement to get everything they would need. This happens all the time and she literally denies whatever she said. She was at the panto with D4 because she wanted that special experience. Another time she was getting her nails done and I kept texting about something (can’t even remember what) that she had asked me to sort out. And apparently I ruined the nail experience cos I kept texting her when she’s supposed to be relaxing. Yesterday I apparently should have been texting her at the panto (her first ever pantomime) to see what to buy the rabbits. You can understand why I didn’t bother her!

Oh and she’s just fallen out with my mother who dared to ask whether D4 enjoyed the pantomime. The question should have been, “did YOU enjoy it?”