I miss my daughter

[Compassion Only]

Hello out there. This was the first holiday season I did not speak at all to my 34-year-old daughter. I have had no contact with her since one brief moment in August when she came to town to visit her dying father. I really thought his death would impact her somehow, but instead it only seemed to magnify her wrath towards him and me. She is abusive to me and I've been told by my therapist to cut her off. It's so hard!! I know she is suffering! I know she loves me! and I have to take care of myself, right? She believes she had a trauma-filled childhood which blows my mind. I have tried to understand. I have agreed to take responsibility for so many things. I have apologized over and over but it makes no difference. She has so many people who love her but she doesn't believe it. She is married and her husband is the only one she thinks loves her. She is pursuing her PhD and has no friends. I don't want to suffer, but I am. I miss my little girl. We used to be so close. Thanks for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[momof28BPD]

I am so sad to read this, it looks like I am reading my own story except my daughter has no one. She is having trouble staying in relationships. I hope that there somewhere is a solution for all of us! 

[mary290]

I miss my daughter too. She’s 33 and also decided that she has childhood trauma because her Dad and I fought a lot and she got spanked occasionally.. No matter how many times I have reached out or apologized, she is not interested in reconciliation. She blames us for everything. She recently quit a very good job and is living overseas. I think. We haven’t spoken in months and have been estranged now for almost 2 years. It’s a pain I don’t wish on anyone. Her younger sibling, 27, has also joined in the estrangement and so it’s a double whammy. It’s pure hell. I am so sorry you’re going through this and hope both our stories have happy endings.

[Compassion Only]

OMG. For the first time, after reading these posts, I feel like someone else knows my pain. I am crying right now. I am grateful my daughter has her husband, but am worried about how she treats him. He is sweet and kind and I worry she will break him. My daughter is also furious with her older brother. He has set up serious boundaries with her. This too makes me sad that he has had to deal with this most of his life. Just like I don't have a daughter, he doesn't have a sister.

[holdingontohope]

I am so sorry for your pain, as well as yours, Mary290.  It is hard enough to have this grief/pain of the loss/missing one child, I can't imagine more than one.  I am lucky to have my other two sons in my life, for sure.  The hard part, though, is that I feel like we are a happy, healthy family of 4, and my BPD son is completely left out of it. Yes, he self sabotages himself every step of the way, BUT...it hurts me to not have my whole family together as one.  That my two non BPD sons feel they need to block my BPD son, and have told me more than once that they would not have anything to do with him anymore at this point if it wasn't for me.  My husband is in their camp, too, so here I sit, on an island somewhere in between--feeling sad and filled with grief for my BPDson, but also feeling hurt/upset with the rest of my family for being on the other end of this spectrum.  Being in the middle is a very hard place to be.

Sending love your way, hoping for healing for ALL of our families in whatever way that can happen.

[NYBluebird]

That had to be so hard during the holidays. Do you ever write notes or letters to her thinking maybe one day she will see them? I have started to do that with my son (his wife had BPD). They are also 35. Do you have other kids? My daughter and her husband are wonderful and loving. Once, my therapist told me to do things that bring me joy during these times. These episodes usually don't last. Have you tried just acknowledging  her feelings? I also pray trust that God is taking care on His timeline. I have found my faith really helps during these blackout episodes. Praying for you that something "clicks" with your daughter. Maybe she will get some help on her own and come back. We all want that movie ending when they melt into our arms apologizing. Just not sure if it's ever going to happen.....

[Compassion Only]

Thanks for responding. I am just now reading this. This is the thing that is so hard and what I don't understand...I have listened to my daughter for hours. I have acknowledged all of her feelings. I have apologized to her for every single thing she has pointed out. I have taken responsibility for the ways of being I had that hurt her. And......she doesn't want to move forward. Every time we talk she wants to rehash everything all over again. And, believe me, I have rehashed over and over again. But, she will tell you I don't listen to her. THAT is the madness. I honestly don't know what else to say to her. I've said this to her. She doesn't believe anything I say.

[TeachMePls]

I feel like I am reading through the stories of my life since becoming a mother...oldest son with a lovely wife and 2 beautiful, young children and his younger sister of 3 years. My son and his wife had to set boundaries.I am learning, but MAN is it HARD, and SAD. I am grateful that my husband and I are on the same page, and that we DO have a great relationship with our son and his family, but the guilt of "losing" our daughter is sometimes debilitating. She is around, but I feel the complete estrangement coming on soon...ugh.

[Compassion Only]

Yes, debilitating is the perfect word. What a blessing to have your son and his family. My daughter is angry with her brother as well. (3 years older) I feel bad for him that he has to deal with her- like he doesn't have a sister. He has put up some very strict boundaries and keeps them. His wife is like a daughter to me and my daughter will contact her. I've been told that as long as I allow my daughter to dump all her stuff on me she will continue to blame ME for everything and not take a look at herself.
What makes you think an estrangement is coming, Teachmepls?

[TeachMePls]

I feel estrangement is coming because our daughter feels that everyone else is the problem, and once she realizes that her dad and I are setting boundaries, we don't think she will be able to live by them, and will start to pull away. I pray that is not the case, but we see it coming...

[Schmoopie]

I am so very sorry for your pain.  My pwBPD is my daughter-in-law, which is painful enough.  I can't imagine it being my own child.

I haven't been on here long, but I'm finding it to be extremely helpful knowing others understand what I'm going through and can relate their own experiences and offer helpful advice or simply validate the actions I have taken.  I've read through some of the articles and workshops, which have a wealth of information.

My thoughts are with you, and I wish you much courage and strength as you travel through this rough and bumpy relationship with someone you love so much.

Best of luck, and I hope you are able to find peace through it all.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Peaches35]

It is somewhat validating to read all of these stories that sound so much like mine. The rehashing of everything I've ever done wrong in her life, the blaming all that is wrong on me (like I really thinks she thinks it is my fault she is a type 1 diabetic). No matter how much I give, it is never enough. My husband and I pulled up our roots and moved 150 miles away to another state in our 70s because she didn't think she or her family could ever have enough where we lived. She has not lifted a finger to help us with our move, complimented us on our house or even call just to see how we are. It seems like she thinks it's our responsibility to take care of her 3 and 4 year olds and when we do anything to help out, she doesn't even seem happy then. I am so tired of being abused. My ex-husband (her father) abused me for years and I think that she thinks it is her job to pick up where he left off. I am so happy I found this group and look forward to us helping each other.

[CopperLeaves]

I hear you. The cycle of apologising, declaring our love, and being 'rewarded' with a glimpse of the child we love before the cycle repeats itself is incredibly hurtful. If I'm honest, it feels abusive to me, and I feel for you. It's just so painful.

I find the advice to empathise and sympathise harder to do now after doing it for years, because I feel like that is exploited and abused as a way to get to me.

I hope you find a way through

[livednlearned]

It's heartbreaking to read these stories and my compassion goes out to everyone.

In our family, it's my stepdaughter (26). I also have an older brother who has uBPD and he tends to have splitting cycles that last 6 months to a year with my parents. At this point, these cyclic estrangements are part of the relationship. They've been very painful for my parents who adore their granddaughters and miss them terribly during the black out periods.

I find the advice to empathise and sympathise harder to do now after doing it for years, because I feel like that is exploited and abused as a way to get to me.

This caught my attention because with SD26, I feel as though I almost over-validated her. She moved into my home and somehow at the end of six months it was like I was living in her home with boot prints up and down my back.

I'm certain that she lost respect for me because I was all empathy and no boundaries.

The tricky part (still a work in progress) is having what I think of as extreme compassion with boundaries.

SD26 is more quiet BPD and covertly aggressive so I had to first understand how her aggression worked. And then develop boundaries for that aggression.

My sense is that having poor boundaries creates disdain, which adds to the perception of victimhood. It seems impossible to have both but only now am I beginning to see I couldn't solve for one without the other.