Support

[Kjorie]

Hello, our 18 year old daughter has just been diagnosed with bpd. She was released from hospital two days ago after 3 1/2 weeks in the mental health unit.  she does not want to be home as she has expressed that she has ‘too many bad memories’ at home. This is the only place she can live and she isn’t ready to be on her own. I want to be able to help her but I dont really know where to start or what will help.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Kjorie
Such  a difficult situation. My dd is older, lives at home, doesn't want to live at home, tries to live independently but it doesn't work so we go around the circle again.

But your dd is younger and has recently had medical support - so there are positive aspects at this point in time. The symptoms of BPD vary greatly and also things like how well you are able to engage with/support a bpd child. Sometimes everthing suggested will be rejected out of hand, while for other parents they are able to discuss things quite well with their bpd child.

You mention your dd says she has 'too many bad memories' at home. When my dd used to say these things I always felt that I needed to jump in and 'make it better'.  Coming here was a great help for me to learn to affirm her feelings, but not necessarily take on responsibility for fixing things - something that was hard for me to do!!

I wonder if it is possible to work with a counsellor to plan a gently way forward. For example I don't know if your dd is studying/working etc. Perhaps a small step in one of those directions could be helpful if possible.

Working on a routine with dd could also be helpful. It is so difficult when our dd children are unable to create and sustain routines. The urge to 'flee' from one situation is, I think, more to do with wanting to get away from the pain they experience in themselves.

Thanks for posting and I hope you will explore this site. There are lots of experiences here: some you will recognise as part of your story; sometimes just a sentence or two can help you clarify your next step on your journey.


Hello, our 18 year old daughter has just been diagnosed with bpd. She was released from hospital two days ago after 3 1/2 weeks in the mental health unit.  she does not want to be home as she has expressed that she has ‘too many bad memories’ at home. This is the only place she can live and she isn’t ready to be on her own. I want to be able to help her but I dont really know where to start or what will help.

[PearlsBefore]

 
Welcome to BPDFamily, glad you found us - sorry it was necessary.

Obviously none of us can know what is or isn't the case in your home (or, often, in the mind of a loved one with BPD) - but if she seems to consistently want to remind you of her unwillingness to live there and you're just looking for a short-term solution to avoid something bad coming to fruition - consider "caving in" in some small way that will allow her to feel like she's achieved some victory that allows her to now begin the reality of healing (again, not necessarily great long-term advice since you're "giving in"; depends on circumstances only you know).

For example you could offer that having talked about her "concerns" you guys have decided to pay the $45/month for her to spend the first Friday of every month at the local roadside motel enjoying the cable tv and convincing herself she's independent :P But phrase it as a mental health vacation away from you two crazy old parents, of course. Or perhaps let her change which room in the house is her bedroom so she can "start fresh", or some other little token effort.

It won't do much in the long-term, but for whatever reason I was looking at your story as just needing a quick bandaid solution to help her acclimatize to life back from the hospital and not having an organ-rejection of her homelife in the meantime. I apologise if I'm off-base, busy night tonight...loved one with BPD myself, you know ;)