adult daughter wth possible BPD

[Parents! Get help here!]

My daughter is struggling and so am I. One day I'm her best friend and then in a flash she can become very vicious with her words. I am incredibly sad and feel so low after any encounters with her. I have found myself turning into a pretzel to get along with her. I validate her but still have to walk on eggshells. I just don't know how to feel better or hopeful - even with therapy. Any ideas?

[Havenhelpus]

My daughter is struggling and so am I. One day I'm her best friend and then in a flash she can become very vicious with her words. I am incredibly sad and feel so low after any encounters with her. I have found myself turning into a pretzel to get along with her. I validate her but still have to walk on eggshells. I just don't know how to feel better or hopeful - even with therapy. Any ideas?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Havenhelpus
The rollercoaster ride is just so exhausting with BPD - 'walking on eggshells' is a great description - every step you take holding your breath, waiting to see if there will be a crunch moment!.

I am not sure how old your dd is - but there is some therapy happening is that right? If so that is something positive. It can take a while though for this to be effective, and in the meantime the struggle goes on. If you are the 'target of blame' ie the slightest thing going wrong gets sheeted back to you (sometimes in a very ridiculous way) it can be very difficult to keep going.

There is widespread agreement that symptoms of BPD can lessen in the 4th decade ie 30s to 40s. But that can seem a long way off indeed!

One thing I remember is that I used to get caught up in the rollercoaster when my dd was being pleasant. I would be enthusiastic, happy to engage etc - then CRASH! I kept asking myself why I let myself be drawn up only to be so let down. Over time I learnt to modify my response ie I kept a little distant even when things were good. I changed my mental approach to my relationship with dd  and saw myself as walking beside her rather than 'with her'.

It was hard because I could see all the consequences of the bad decisions - but that was how it had to be and it did help a lot in the long run. The 3 'C' mantra was very herlpful - I didn't cause this, I can't control it, I cant' cure it'.  Stepping  back a bit can help us to find the space to nurture ourselves and in the long run enables us to keep going on the journey with our loved child.

Thank you for posting. Every one who posts here gives us all the chance to know we are not alone on this incredibly difficult journey.

[kells76]

Hi Havenhelpus, I'd like to join Sancho in welcoming you to the boards

I can imagine the hurt you feel when you just want to love and support your daughter, and she swings wildly between loving you and hating you.

So many approaches that can make things better with a pwBPD (person with BPD) aren't intuitive; like Sancho mentions,

Over time I learnt to modify my response ie I kept a little distant even when things were good. I changed my mental approach to my relationship with dd  and saw myself as walking beside her rather than 'with her'.

It was hard because I could see all the consequences of the bad decisions - but that was how it had to be and it did help a lot in the long run. The 3 'C' mantra was very herlpful - I didn't cause this, I can't control it, I cant' cure it'.  Stepping  back a bit can help us to find the space to nurture ourselves and in the long run enables us to keep going on the journey with our loved child.

Sometimes focusing on getting ourselves stable and healthier, even if it seems "selfish", can be more helpful to the relationship.

Not sure if you've seen it yet -- we have a section of articles on When a teen or adult child has Borderline Personality Disorder. If you have a moment, check it out, and let us know what seemed helpful or to match your situation.

...

Can I ask how old your daughter is?

[Havenhelpus]

Thank you Sancho and Kells. My daughter is 29, and I can totally relate to feeling elated when things are going well, only to crash when the BPD comes back in. I am trying to detach and it seems to work a bit. One thing I read is that instead of listening to the verbal attacks on how everything wrong in her life is my fault, focus on her emotions and not the words that she says.
She is in therapy but I'm not certain her therapist has diagnosed her. She exhibits clear traits of BPD. It's so sad. I wish I could take away her pain. I do feel mixed, confused and somewhat pissed when she distorts things that I have said or done that never happened or didn't happen the way she remembers. She is extremely sensitive and always has been.
It's a constant struggle. Glad I found this site.

[livednlearned]

Turning into a pretzel can take a toll 

How do you respond when she turns vicious?