PwBPD wife filing for divorce

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello all

Thanks for listening. I've been married 11 years to my wife who has BPD. I myself have had a lifelong struggle with poor self-esteem that I started working on with a therapist weekly for the past two years. I thought if I could improve my mental health that both of our lives we be better for it. How wrong I was. As my self-esteem improved, I started to set boundaries with her, which she did not respond to well, which I know now is to be expected. Every time I thought she was mean, controlling, manipulative, or disrespectful to me I would call her on it. This led to more and more arguments. To make a long story short, she said she was tired of me "being argumentative" and was filling for divorce. I know she has been quite toxic and manipulative for me, and my therapist, friends and family members have told me I'm a good person and I deserve so much better. My sister even told me I should be relieved and happy and that my life will most likely improve. But I can't help but being completely devastated. Despite all her toxicity, she is someone I have always dearly loved and still do. I know there is a bright light and a good person under all that horrible pain and that the awful childhood trauma she endured isn't her fault. To make it even harder, I've been described as an empath so I can't help but feel so much of her pain for her and with her. My heart breaks for her that she has chosen to not take responsibility for her life and instead is choosing to throw away the past 11 years. And to top it all off, because of all the gaslighting she put me through, I feel convinced I'm a bad person because of all this. I feel like a piece of trash she just used and threw away. I don't know if any of the rest of you here have been through something like this, but if anyone reads it, thanks for listening.

[ChiWeenieGuy]

Hello all

Thanks for listening. I've been married 11 years to my wife who has BPD. I myself have had a lifelong struggle with poor self-esteem that I started working on with a therapist weekly for the past two years. I thought if I could improve my mental health that both of our lives we be better for it. How wrong I was. As my self-esteem improved, I started to set boundaries with her, which she did not respond to well, which I know now is to be expected. Every time I thought she was mean, controlling, manipulative, or disrespectful to me I would call her on it. This led to more and more arguments. To make a long story short, she said she was tired of me "being argumentative" and was filling for divorce. I know she has been quite toxic and manipulative for me, and my therapist, friends and family members have told me I'm a good person and I deserve so much better. My sister even told me I should be relieved and happy and that my life will most likely improve. But I can't help but being completely devastated. Despite all her toxicity, she is someone I have always dearly loved and still do. I know there is a bright light and a good person under all that horrible pain and that the awful childhood trauma she endured isn't her fault. To make it even harder, I've been described as an empath so I can't help but feel so much of her pain for her and with her. My heart breaks for her that she has chosen to not take responsibility for her life and instead is choosing to throw away the past 11 years. And to top it all off, because of all the gaslighting she put me through, I feel convinced I'm a bad person because of all this. I feel like a piece of trash she just used and threw away. I don't know if any of the rest of you here have been through something like this, but if anyone reads it, thanks for listening.

[ForeverDad]

I must admit that I too had believed that Boundaries must apply to the one misbehaving.  Well, that sure didn't work, right?

So instead, the Boundaries must apply to ourselves.  What?  How?  The rationale is that since the acting-out person with BPD (pwBPD) often refuses boundaries then it is up to us.

More about Boundaries:

Are you familiar with how we set Boundaries?  Many pwBPD resist boundaries and even if they initially agree, the efforts often don't last long.  Therefore, the boundaries we set are for us to follow.  A poor but very simple example is something like this:  "If you do or don't do ___ then I will do or not do ___."  Of course, not said too bluntly.  Over on our Tools & Skills Workshops board we have a couple topics on Boundaries.  Also this link:

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

A warning though... By setting boundaries, the Borderline spouse will resist and try to force you back to the prior pattern since that is the pwBPD's "comfort zone".  We call that an extinction burst.  While some may come to abide by your newfound boundaries, be forewarned that challenges to your boundaries won't stop if your partner is not in meaningful and lengthy therapy.  For the others, well, the relationship will continue to be dysfunctional and the wise course is to find a least damaging exit.  It will be painful, it will be costly, but when you reach the light at the end of the tunnel, it will have been worth the effort.

It's not tit for tat either, like a revenge of sorts.  An example could be...  "If you rant and rage, etc, then I (and perhaps the kids too if they're impacted) will leave, go to the park or store or grocery or movies and give you time and space to calm down."

Sure, it may not work the first few times, but eventually the other may come to accept the better dynamic.

Maybe.  Or not.  Many here have ended up unwinding the relationship or marriage once we'd decided it was too unhealthy and dysfunctional to remain since there wasn't a positive response.

[PeteWitsend]

ChiWeenieGuy

Welcome, and sorry to hear about your situation.

I would continue with therapy; it's good you're aware of your situation and personality.  Don't feel too bad about it; a lot of us had our own self esteem issues (which may be a reason we ended up with pwBPD).  Everybody's gotta learn how to stand up for themselves and set boundaries sometime, and better late than never.

One point from your post that's not clear to me though: did your wife actually file for divorce?  I.e. she filed a complaint with the court and served you with a divorce complaint starting the process?  If so, you better get some recommendations for attorneys in your area and go see one now.  If not... be careful.  Still go see an attorney to get advice and counseling on your rights in the event of a divorce. 

If your wife hasn't actually filed for divorce (i.e. she paid the court fee and filed a petition with the court) she may just be using the threat of divorce as an escalation tactic to force you back in line. 

A divorce proceeding, or any litigation - even if filed with the court - doesn't actually start until the defendant is formally served with the complaint.  A lot of people don't understand how this works, and unscrupulous people - BPD or not - get off on the rush they feel when threatening a lawsuit, and watching people get scared by it.

During the last year of my marriage, BPDxw liked to throw the threat of divorce around more and more.  Once that sort of talk starts, they seem to keep using it, oblivious to the fact that they're playing with fire  It's rare (but from accounts I've read here DOES happen) but BPDers don't usually file for divorce and leave.  They prefer to stay in relationships and make life miserable for their partners  

[ChiWeenieGuy]

Thanks so much for the replies. I'm grateful I found this community so I don't feel so alone. No, I haven't been served anything and my gut tells me this is either some kind of cry for help or it's just more of the usual manipulative drama. The reason I say that is she is completely isolated with the exception of me. She has alienated all her friends and family. I'm the only one she has and I think she is cognizant of that. She is unemployed and if she loses me she has cut off her only support system both emotionally and financially. She has been making this threat for a while and it hasn't really fazed me until so I wonder if she thought she had to escalate the level of show. I think this too because she claims to have moved out of our home she keeps asking me to do things with her and calling me nicknames like "sweetie". Those don't seem like things you do with someone you want to divorce to me. It's all so weird.

[ForeverDad]

If you don't have children, then a failed marriage (divorce) would be simpler since there would be no custody or parenting to complicate unwinding the marriage.

However, you may face spousal support or alimony, a financial expense that would last for no longer than half the marriage and probably less.  These days alimony, if any, is seen as a short term bridge for the disadvantaged spouse to exit and adjust to single life.

If you do have children then that would impact how we answer you, including my above comments.  In that case the children would be a major consideration (priority) in every facet of your life and a divorce's outcome.

[ChiWeenieGuy]

I really got to thinking about this while drinking my coffee this morning and there is a pattern here. Just this past week, she claimed she was divorcing me, she fired her therapist because the therapist apparently had the audacity to tell her to think about the consequences of her actions (ironic huh?) and told our church she would no longer be attending. That's the three main pillars of her support system that she alienated within a three day time period. That seems rather extreme to say the least. This is someone who is extremely mentally ill.

[EyesUp]

Hello CWG.

This part of your original post really stands out to me:

As my self-esteem improved, I started to set boundaries with her, which she did not respond to well, which I know now is to be expected. Every time I thought she was mean, controlling, manipulative, or disrespectful to me I would call her on it. This led to more and more arguments. To make a long story short, she said she was tired of me "being argumentative" and was filling for divorce.

You clearly know how to set boundaries - and enforce them.  You are steps ahead of so many who arrive here, first trying to make sense of the chaos in their relationship.

Predictably, your PD'd wife is pushing back against the boundaries...  You stated that she's BPD - was there a formal diagnosis (sorry if I missed it)?

Her statement that she's filing might be a false threat. Candidly, the false threat is more difficult to respond to... that's the chaos of BPD, when A actually means Z. 

In my experience, my uBPDxw once threatened divorce shortly after our second child was born - about 4 years into what would eventually be a 14 year marriage. I recognized that she was an emotional wreck and likely in a post-partem depressive state, so while I didn't take the threat as a true statement of intent, I did want to enforce a boundary. I told her directly that such threats are not to made or taken lightly, and if she ever made that threat again, I would certainly assume that the marriage was over and would proceed accordingly. We remained married another 10 years with no threat or mention of divorce until it was really, truly, the next course of action...

Now that your wife has opened this topic, I encourage you to deeply consider what you want. I like to say that we're 50% responsible for our relationships, but 100% responsible for our individual choices.

You are certainly not a bad person - here you are, continuing to consider her welfare and how to continue, putting her interests ahead of your own. How much of this impulse is connected to your own self-described esteem issues - and your need to try to be the good guy?  It's a tough question - with no wrong answers.

This is a judgment free zone, and we are here for you - YOU - so forgive me for being super direct: You may or may not be able to find a new dynamic in your relationship, and it may or may not be healthier - for you or your wife. Whichever path you choose, and whenever or however you choose to do it is entirely up to you. There is no shame in divorce. More than 50% of marriages end in divorce. Many of us here are divorced (including me). There is also no shame in continuing. Many of us here are also in varying degrees of conflicted relationships... you can choose to disengage or to continue - either way, this community will be here for you.

You make a great observation about what's going on with your wife - disengaging with her T and church - and you - all at once. And it sounds like she's already alienated friends and family. I'm sorry you're experiencing this from front row, center. I'm sure you're trying to figure it all out - I have to say: there may or may not be a solution to this riddle.

It's super painful to recognize a cry for help, and yet also that help is rejected.

You mentioned that she's alienated everyone else, including family. How is your relationship with her family? Would it hurt to reach out to them to share your concern and see if they have any insights or context you might not already be aware of?  Do you think any of them might be open to help support her in any way, perhaps in parallel with you (or, worst case, in your absence), through whatever is happening?

Sorry I don't have more concrete advice. It's hard to say if imposing yet another hard boundary might help your wife see straight - or push her right over the edge.  How do you feel about that?

You already received some advice about engaging an atty. It's a very good precautionary step. Thinking ahead, I'd also recommend that you start to use a dvr (digital voice recorder) 24/7, just in case worse turns to worst - do this to protect yourself against potential false allegations.

I know this might sound alarmist, but given the amount of isolation your wife has setup for herself, there may be an "extinction burst" sort of event with uncontrolled rage, which will then almost certainly be attributed to you or someone else. The dvr may be the only protection you have if you're party to such behavior and accompanying accusations, in order to justify a divorce...

Please take care, good luck, and keep us posted.

[EyesUp]

One thing I meant to include:

Consider resisting the impulse to help at the moment... Maybe let your wife sit with her feelings a bit to see if she can regulate on her own.

This accomplishes at least two things:
It shows you that she can do it without your help.
It shows her that she can do it without your help.

Need to try to practice that a lot to try to get through this. Even if she's actively seeking your help, I encourage you to offer validation, but give her maximum space as you navigate whatever is happening...

Good luck!

[ChiWeenieGuy]

Hi everyone. Thanks for all your responses. Sorry I didn't respond back to the thread earlier but it has been hell the past couple of weeks. This all started a couple of weeks ago. She said wanted a divorce and moved out of our condo. She wouldn't tell me where she went. I got a text from her a few days later saying was really sick and needed me to take her to urgent care, so I finally found out where she was. She was living in a hotel a few miles from our house. I took her to urgent care and sat with her in the room. Despite me being compassionate towards her and doing this for her she began to try to agitate me. I was overcome with emotion seeing what self-sabotage she has done to herself and our marriage. In an angry tone, she told me if I was going to cry I should just go home and leave her there because she didn't want to see it. And I did exactly that. I sat in the car and sobbed for quite a while because I was in no condition to drive at the moment. In all the years we've been married, I've never seen such coldness and lack of empathy from her. It was shocking to me. It seemed to border on psychopathic. Fast forward to a few days after that. I get another text from her saying she doesn't have money for the hotel anymore and wants to come home. She asks if I can come help her with her stuff and get home. She said she had a "case worker" and had agreed to enter a 30 day mental health treatment program as soon as they had a bed for her. So, like a fool, I agreed and brought her home. It was quiet for a couple of days and then, last Saturday morning we were having coffee together in the morning. She asked me what I needed from her and how I thought she could improve her life. I was skeptical of the self awareness but decided anyway to tell her that I thought she needed to start taking responsibility for her life and that I thought she needed to break out of her victim mentality. She became quite agitated at this, as expected. I left to attend my men's group at church and when I got she was gone. She texted later and said she was on her way to the mental health program. But she stated she could not tell me where it was and I could not visit to protect the confidentiality of those that are there. I thought this odd because anytime before when she has done a stint I have had full access to information and been allowed to visit. I'm very skeptical that she is in any program because all this week she has been coming back home to get clothes when I am at work. Usually these mental health programs are quite regimented and people are expected to participate as a condition of their residency. So my gut tells me she actually isn't in any program and it's just another falsehood. This past Thursday I got a text from her that she had filed for divorce and telling me she needed me to be "compassionate" with her throughout the process. At this point I don't know what to think about any of this. I can't tell truth from lies and wonder if it's all just yet another plot to manipulate, control, and get the upper hand. I honestly feel traumatized by all of this. I'm trying to take care of myself but that is increasingly difficult as I'm confused, heartbroken, and scared. I'm not afraid for my physical safety, but I am afraid for my psychological and emotional safety. I do have a consultation with an attorney on Monday to help me formulate a strategy, and a session with my therapist on Tuesday. And I'm taking the following week off from work and going to Phoenix to see my sister on Friday just to get away from everything for a while, but all of those seem far away and  right now I barely know what to do with myself. Sorry for the late reply and the long story but it's been hell the past two weeks. Any advice or similar stories on how to navigate this is certainly appreciated.

[PeteWitsend]

dude, her behavior right now is SUPER sketchy.

I would call her out on the "confidentiality" part, personally... like "either you tell me exactly where you are now, or I will assume you're with another man, and act accordingly."

Maybe someone else here can weigh in if it's normal for people in in-patient psychological care (or whatever she's claiming she's in) can't divulge their location to their spouse?

Even if you can't visit, you can at least know where she is. 

[ChiWeenieGuy]

Just to a answer some of your questions, we don't have children and she does have a formal diagnosis of BPD comorbid with bipolar.

[PeteWitsend]

and how much was the hotel per night, and was she paying cash for that?  just sitting in a hotel doing what exactly all this
time?

get a reference for a good family law attorney like yesterday and get some advice on where you stand if she ends it or has an affair (or multiple ones) and you want to end it.  even if you don't follow through on that and you work it out, get this advice to protect yourself.  You are WAY too trusting of someone who has not earned your trust.

speaking of protecting yourself, not that it's our business, but do you know what was she sick with?  if it's something she could pass to you, I'd be careful...

[ChiWeenieGuy]

dude, her behavior right now is SUPER sketchy.

I would call her out on the "confidentiality" part, personally... like "either you tell me exactly where you are now, or I will assume you're with another man, and act accordingly."

Maybe someone else here can weigh in if it's normal for people in in-patient psychological care (or whatever she's claiming she's in) can't divulge their location to their spouse?

Even if you can't visit, you can at least know where she is. 

I've wondered that too. I suspect the claim of being in a facility is bullsh*t, but I don't know if they're cheating involved. I suspect she's back to living in a hotel. I checked public records and she did indeed file a divorce petition earlier in the week, though I have not been served papers. What's interesting is that it appears she filed the petition on her own as no attorney is listed. That means she would have had to gone to the courthouse on her own, paid the fee, and filled out the paperwork. I highly doubt someone in residential treatment home or center can just get out to go to the courthouse and file divorce papers. And if she was in treatment certainly any providers there would advise her not to make any potentially rash, life altering decisions until completion of the treatment. It's all very sketchy.

[ChiWeenieGuy]

speaking of protecting yourself, not that it's our business, but do you know what was she sick with?  if it's something she could pass to you, I'd be careful...

Supposedly an ear infection. She went to either an urgent care or an emergency room about 4 times in five days. Once she was home one night she made a midnight ER trip for what she said was an infected toe. She also claimed that on one of these trips she was diagnosed as having had a "mini stroke" although by her own admission, the CT scan showed nothing. This all seems so sketchy. I think she is SEVERELY mentally ill. I feel like I'm swimming in a sea of lies

[PeteWitsend]

I've wondered that too. I suspect the claim of being in a facility is bullsh*t, but I don't know if they're cheating involved. I suspect she's back to living in a hotel. I checked public records and she did indeed file a divorce petition earlier in the week, though I have not been served papers. What's interesting is that it appears she filed the petition on her own as no attorney is listed. That means she would have had to gone to the courthouse on her own, paid the fee, and filled out the paperwork. I highly doubt someone in residential treatment home or center can just get out to go to the courthouse and file divorce papers. And if she was in treatment certainly any providers there would advise her not to make any potentially rash, life altering decisions until completion of the treatment. It's all very sketchy.

It doesn't sound like she has the money to hire an attorney... it varies, but typically a family law attorney will ask for a retainer fee before they agree to take work on, and then draw down the retainer as they work on the case.  The retainer can be anywhere from $5000 to $30000. 

You can easily go look up "how to file for divorce" and do it yourself.  It's really just filling out some forms and paying the court's filing fee.  Even a disordered person can handle that.  But hiring and paying a process server to serve the complaint is a few hundred more, and of course actually knowing how to move the complaint forward with the court and conduct a case is a lot more complicated.

Initially when I read your first post, I thought the divorce thing was an empty threat.  Typically it is... pwBPD don't normally leave relationships; they cling to them.  But they do act rashly and recklessly and sometimes this includes wanton behavior like promiscuity or drug abuse.

She may be actually looking to leave you for someone else, and it's either not working out, or he's not there for her, so she's still calling you to take care of her. 

I hate to say all this if it isn't true, or put these thoughts in your head, but I don't get the sense you're considering these sort of possibilities.

[ForeverDad]

Wow, I'm so sorry to hear of all this news.  It's a lot to sink in.  We're glad you have a therapist (to help you keep an objective perspective) and consulting lawyers (since it seems inevitable a divorce is coming sooner or later).

You are both adults.  It's not unreasonable for you and your marriage to need an adult as a spouse.  Sadly, she's all over the map.  Is this where the term "radical acceptance" comes in?  Call it what it is.  She is who she is.  Even with treatment she may not improve much.

Legally she is a loose cannon.  You have no idea what she has claimed or sought in her divorce petition.  (Many of our exes made blaming allegations about us.)  You can visit the court clerk and ask for a copy of her petition.  Of course, your attorney also has access to court records and can determine whether anything naming you or her is pending, and can get copies.

[ChiWeenieGuy]

I hate to say all this if it isn't true, or put these thoughts in your head, but I don't get the sense you're considering these sort of possibilities.

Unfortunately, no, I haven't really considered it. And I think that's because for most of our marriage, she has been by and large quite functional. We had episodes where she would threaten suicide and need to be hospitalized, but after doing so would have several year stretches where she would do quite well. She even had a two year stretch where she successfully held a part time job she really liked. So this is all new to me. It's never been this bad before. I don't know what's different this time, especially when I've always heard that symptoms tend to diminish with age.

[ForeverDad]

I doubt the adage that "symptoms tend to diminish with age" is strictly true.

In my marriage my spouse over years became increasingly more dysfunctional with periodic rants and rages.  Then she had incidents with co-workers and friends.  I had the mistaken thought she'd be happier, after a dozen years married, if we had a child. I was so clueless, life got even worse.  Once the marriage was imploding, I discovered that having a child made divorce vastly more complicated with the added factors of custody and parenting.

The distance apart did greatly reduce the direct conflict.  But that did not signify she was recovered.  She still had relationship issues.

However, once I had both custody and majority parenting during the school year, her entitlement did lessen.  And once our son became an adult and grew out of the court system it was much better.

Is it less now?  Yes, no custody, and parenting issues are minimal, but I still have to be very careful not to trigger her.  She is still our son's mother.

[ChiWeenieGuy]

So, this was odd. I got two texts from her over the weekend, neither of which I responded to. In the first, she asked how many bottles of water I wanted her to get for me with our bottled water delivery this week. In the second, she asked if she could have her car back after leaving it at the house last week. She said she was "having trouble getting around". This all seems so odd from someone who supposedly wants to divorce me. My gut tells me she's putting out feelers for a charm attempt. Any thoughts on such weird behavior?

[ChiWeenieGuy]

Sorry, I meant charm attempt. Don't know where the word charm came from.

[ChiWeenieGuy]

Sorry I meant charm attempt. Don't know where the word charm came from.

[ChiWeenieGuy]

Sorry meant "charming" attempt. Don't know where the word charm came from.

[ChiWeenieGuy]

I don't know why autocorrect won't let me say what I'm trying to say, but my gut tells me she's working on trying to suck me back in. Anyone else experienced anything like this? It's so odd.

[PeteWitsend]

I doubt the adage that "symptoms tend to diminish with age" is strictly true.

...

with respect to BPD, I've read that we naturally become less emotional as we age, and so it is with BPDers that their own mood swings get less severe.  But of course, everyone's story and brain chemistry are so different that it may make trying to apply concepts to individuals completely meaningless.

Other mental illnesses get worse as people get older, so maybe that could affect pwBPD that have comorbid conditions that increase in severity over time?

I've known a couple people that were high functioning through their early 30's only to gradually fall apart in their late 30's.  One guy was even institutionalized for a period of time, and no one has heard from him since.

[PeteWitsend]

I don't know why autocorrect won't let me say what I'm trying to say, but my gut tells me she's working on trying to suck me back in. Anyone else experienced anything like this? It's so odd.

Before our D was born, BPDxw would occasionally turn on charm campaigns, typically to try to smooth things over after some insane outburst from her.  Her reasons for the outburst or behavior never added up, or were consistent with what I remembered happened.

After our D was born, I think BPDxw felt secure enough that I wouldn't leave her that the charm campaigns ended, and fights only really ended gradually by losing steam until we'd sit down and agree "we both need to work on things" ... later in our marriage, as I said above, she started throwing around the divorce threat more often, whenever we'd get into a disagreement over something.  I guess she felt secure enough in the relationship that I'd never leave her or actually go through with it.

It also was a little surprising how quickly she could mentally recover when it suited her, or she needed something. 

I really didn't feel bad for her when I finally left; I had seen enough disordered emotions that I had no idea if she actually had feelings or just acted out whatever she thought served her purposes at that moment.

And whether or not she was sad our marriage ended, she had a boyfriend within a month or two of me moving out, and he was living in her house less than 4 months later, so... apparently she got over it quick.

[PeteWitsend]

I've read some accounts here of people going through on-again-off-again relationships with pwBPD.  Each instance is called a "recycle" (I think)

Usually they're not married, but the cycle seems to be: the pwBPD finds someone or something else, or gets bored, leaves for some period of time, then loses interest in whatever it was they were doing & wanders back, refusing to accept any responsibility for what happened.  Or only accepting responsibility if the Non-BPD partner accepts enough blame to give the BPDers a pass for their behavior & not hold them accountable for it in any meaningful way. 

[kells76]

Couple of thoughts:

We've actually had members here with partners dual-diagnosed with both BPD and bipolar, and with similar situations: things seemed OK, then W needed to go off for help, but didn't go to a hospital (or did she), went to a hotel, swore she wanted a divorce, but kept reaching out, then went to a DV shelter... but still called her H... but "kept it secret"... and then, after a few months, went home and things got better (because he worked the tools and skills he learned here). As weird as it sounds, you're not the only one here to go through this.

The key question isn't what she wants or says she wants, or swears she did or didn't do. It's not about "calling her out" on her stuff or "proving" to her that she lied. It's about:

what do you want?

What we want gets lost in dysfunctional BPD relationships. Our feelings are often hitched to the back of their BPD emotional rollercoaster, leaving us perpetually reacting.

You can unhitch yourself and take control of your own life. It might include her -- it might not. That's up to her and not something you can control. But staying reactive to her rollercoaster is the worst of both worlds.

Do you want to divorce? Then it's OK to move forward with it, no matter what she says or does.

Do you want to stay married? Then it's OK to work for that. Recall that even if in one moment in time she swears up and down that "this is it, it's over, we're done, I've never loved you and never will"... she has BPD which by definition indicates she'll have wildly varying and harmfully intense emotions.

You don't have to take her word for things. If you want to stay married, you can work on that. She may feel differently about divorce in a couple of minutes.

If you want to divorce, though, then it won't matter if she wants to reconnect -- you are the one deciding to be done.

So: what do you want?

...

(P.S. about this:

I don't know why autocorrect won't let me say what I'm trying to say, but my gut tells me she's working on trying to suck me back in. Anyone else experienced anything like this? It's so odd.

At BPDfamily.com, we lean away from using "urban dictionary"-type slang for describing relational dynamics. I'm guessing you may have been typing "h-0-0-v-e-r-i-n-g" which was enough of an issue here at one point that the site software automatically sweeps for it. Like PeteWitsend mentioned, describing the dynamics as "relationship recycling" can be a more productive way of looking at what's going on. Check out that thread -- maybe something there will resonate?)

[ForeverDad]

About auto-correct... I found that when my words were changed, once I went back and manually re-typed the portion changed perhaps once or twice, then it didn't do the dictation switcheroo again.

[ChiWeenieGuy]

Thanks again, everyone. This is something I didn't mention in my OP, but the more I've thought about it, I wonder if this particular incident was the trigger for all of this. Every 6 months, our church hosts homeless families for two weeks. Last August, we volunteered to be overnight hosts at that event where we spent the night at the church with those families. We enjoyed it, so we volunteered again for this month's event. But upon doing so, we were told we weren't welcome to volunteer again because of a complaint that something abusive that was said to one of the children of those families that night. I was appalled and horrified to hear this and knew it wasn't me. After further investigation, it turns out I was right and it was her, though I never did uncover exactly what was said. I apparently was not in the room when it was said. It was upon this revelation that everything took a turn for the worse and she started to cut everything and everyone out of her life. It was when she decided to leave home, cut all ties to our church, fired her therapist, and now file divorce on me. Could an incident such as this, where she was called out on inappropriate behavior, be enough to trigger such an extreme response? I wonder if the shame she feels is so intense that she feels she has no other choice than to discard everything and everyone?

[EyesUp]

The short answer is: Yes. Something like what you describe can be a trigger. It sounds like you've identified an important moment.

You'll find a lot has been written about this:  criticism, real or perceived, is a major trigger in n/BPD behavior. This sort of event stirs up acute fears and anxieties re: rejection, abandonment, and shame.

If it's a "narcissistic injury" the response can be dramatic - a lot like what you're experiencing.

Often, we're caught by surprise and many of us don't know what happened or triggered our partner - because it's often hidden, avoided, or even denied.  So, good job with the PI work...

All that said, giving it an explanation or even just a name is not a solution. Reading about these patterns might give you a way to frame what's happening and possibly come to terms with it - but it's not something you will be able to use to influence or change or "fix" your wife. The literature generally says that the worst thing you can say to someone with b-cluster behaviors is that you think they have b-cluster behaviors...  Her injury is likely too sensitive for any rational or objective discussion. Attempting to pick and poke at that injury by talking about it may trigger a rage or some other extreme "back off" / "go away" message.

You can attempt to validate her feelings, which may help get her back to a less reactive (and destructive) mode - but this takes time. And, even then, the underlying pattern will probably occur again whenever there is a perceived slight, no matter how trivial (e.g., when the waiter poured your water first...).

It sounds like she's disengaged with her T, so even if you were able to sidebar with the T, and even if the T is super skilled with this sort of thing, it's a very challenging process...

You're in a difficult spot in that you've learned something - but you don't have full context. I can imagine how frustrating that must be.

How are you feeling about what you've pieced together?  Do you feel like this changes anything?