Thoughts?

[thankful person]

Hi all,

Things have been ok with my dbpdw recently. But I’m feeling outraged and confused all at the same time and I hate that I just can’t trust her. This story is so small and petty and I can only be 99% sure of my wife’s involvement.

The other day I was driving home and speaking to my wife on the phone. She told me that a message had come through to my Facebook piano teaching page. She is an admin from back in the day when I used to let her assist with the running of my business.

The message was from a school student’s mother, saying how pleased they were that their child was really coming on with her speech and communication since my lessons (she has a diagnosis of ASD and speech delay). Following this the mother had included a video of the little girl teaching her brother to play the piano. My wife watched this and told me about it, which I didn’t mind. I was extremely happy about this message and video which I hadn’t seen, but kept it to myself as I generally do with any positive emotions.

Later that evening I watched the video and messaged the mother and said how wonderful the news was and thanked her for sharing the video.

A notification came through shortly afterwards on my phone, another message from the mother which began, “we are absolutely thrilled…” I didn’t open it because I was attending to other matters at the time. My wife was upstairs putting the kids to bed, which means she was in bed with them and always on her phone.

When I got round to reading the latest message from the mother… it had gone. Disappeared. As in deleted. The original message and video and my message were still there. But I am convinced that my wife deleted this because she didn’t want me to see it. She is insanely jealous of my work, my students, my relationships with them and their parents, and the fact that I’m good at my job. I feel like she felt I’d had enough praise that day and she wanted to put a stop to it. I totally believe she would do this. She often deletes people’s comments on Facebook if she doesn’t like them. She used to delete anything my mother commented about our kids, but my mother has sadly learnt not to now. I don’t think my wife’s done anything like this before, but I am busy so I wouldn’t necessarily know.

I haven’t bothered confronting her about this because I know she would just deny it and in fact she would act hard done by and totally take the victim role, “how dare you think I would do something so low?” and I can’t be bothered. I haven’t actually met this mother yet because the girl is a student at school.

Just wanted to share this anyway. I know I have no proof but it’s a fact that pwbpds can be horrible people at times.

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[SaltyDawg]

TP,

It sounds like it is time to change your password on your FB account, and not share the new PW with your wife.

This will likely get her upset.  Have a reason for changing it prepared, be honest - "I think my account was hacked as I see messages come in, only for those messages to be deleted by someone other than myself, so I thought I would change the password as obviously someone has some ill will towards me who knows my password.  I have no idea who this is... " [even though you suspect it is her] "...so, I figured out the best way to prevent these messages from being deleted is to change my password."

It is unlikely that your wife will fess up to doing the deletions; however, you will make a boundary stating that deleting messages intended for you is not acceptable, and you will take an appropriate action now and in the future to prevent it.  So, if your wife has access to your other accounts, you might want to add "I will change the password on each account as I notice messages going missing" to further reinforce these kind of behaviours will not be tolerated as they are unacceptable. 

Whomever deleted that message, is potentially affecting your livelihood, and that is not acceptable.

Take care.

SD

[Notwendy]

Boundaries are not something we impose on another person. We can't control someone else. Boundaries are what we do in response to someone violating them, or to prevent it.

Why do we lock our doors? It's not to keep our nice friends out. It's to keep us safe from people who would cross our boundaries.

We don't say to a robber- oh honey, please don't come in my house. We lock the door.

Passwords are there to protect your accounts and your conversations. If someone is deleting your messages- no matter who they are- change the password.

IMHO you don't even need to say anything. She has no business going into your messages. Your policy can be- if anyone gets into your accounts- the password needs to be changed. If she does say something- I like the reason "someone is hacking my messages and I need to keep client confidentiality"

[thankful person]

Thank you SD and not Wendy,

It is a bit more complicated because changing my password will not stop my wife’s access to my business page. Back when I knew little of codependency, I allowed my wife to set up my Facebook business page and give herself an admin role. She wanted to gain confidence with her writing etc so I let her help out, at first I was going to pay her but I couldn’t really afford to. Since joining bpd family she no longer receives my emails or reads all my texts to me like she used to. I’m sure I can find out how to stop her access to my Facebook, but she will know that I’ve done this. I can play dumb and say it has nothing to do with me, which would be funny as I’d feel like I’m playing her game. But she’ll still be annoyed that I don’t want her helping out. I’ll just say it’s because I can’t afford to pay her and she has her own dog boarding business now so is much more confident. It does make me wonder whether she has turned away students without my knowing about it.

[Notwendy]

I know at least two people who have gotten hacked and locked out of their FB pages. They have notified FB and can't seem to get them to change that. Just change it, play dumb. "there's lots of hacking going on" It's your page.

[SaltyDawg]

TP,

   I see your predicament...  So, you will have to get technically savvy in order to be a sleuth to see what was deleted.

If it is a post on the page that was deleted, here is the procedure to recover the deleted post:

Deleted posts are permanently removed from Facebook's servers and backup systems. However, posts are sent to trash for 30 days before being permanently deleted.

To recover a deleted post, you can:
1. Go to Facebook.com
2. Go to your profile
3. Click the ellipsis icon and select Archive
4. Click Trash on the left sidebar
5. Find the post you want to recover
6. Click the ellipsis beside it
7. Select Restore to profile

If the post is not visible in the activity log, you can contact Facebook support for assistance.

You can also check out this video:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=MoXYevhwQUQ&t=20


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How to remove admin for a person can be found here https://www.facebook.com/help/187316341316631  (your wife will find out you did this, do this as a last resort, unless you want your wife to find out about it).

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If an administrator deletes a comment or post in a group, the comment and post are preserved for viewing and can be restored via the "admin activity log".

https://www.facebook.com/help/151703058802391

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Can a group admin delete a message on Messenger?

Anyone can delete any message they've sent. You'll then see the notice “Message removed by sender.” Admins can delete any message they receive that's been sent by anyone else (e.g. inappropriate messages). The notice “Message removed by Admin” will appear on other recipients' screens.

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I know this can seem overwhelming; however, if you don't want to actively remove your wife from managing your facebook page, you will have to become technically savvy in order to figure out what she is doing.

In the meantime, when a message comes in, do a screen capture on an android phone it is pressing the power button simultaneously with the volume down button.  If that doesn't work, press and hold the Power button for a few seconds. Then tap Screenshot.  If neither of these work, go to your phone manufacturer's support site for help.

For iOS it is similar, instead of the volume down, it is the volume up button. 

Press the side button and the volume up button at the same time.  Quickly release both buttons.  After you take a screenshot, a thumbnail temporarily appears in the lower-left corner of your screen. Tap the thumbnail to open it or swipe left to dismiss it.

Be mindful, if the message is larger than your screen, you will have to do several screen shots, one for each scroll.

I hope you find this helpful.

Take care.

SD

[thankful person]

Thanks so much SD for all your research and advice!

Something even more odd has happened! I just went to log in through Safari as usually I use the Facebook app… and the missing message has returned! There was nothing to notify me of its existence so I can only assume someone had previously opened it, but it may be that it was just a Facebook messenger glitch. But I think it more likely my wife somehow undeleted it because she knows I’m onto her. This is because historically her immoral behaviour has led to massive rows between us, and maybe my silence made her uneasy or something. Could be overthinking this as usual… but I’ll definitely keep my eye on it.

[SaltyDawg]

Something even more odd has happened! I just went to log in through Safari as usually I use the Facebook app… and the missing message has returned! There was nothing to notify me of its existence so I can only assume someone had previously opened it, but it may be that it was just a Facebook messenger glitch. But I think it more likely my wife somehow undeleted it because she knows I’m onto her. This is because historically her immoral behaviour has led to massive rows between us, and maybe my silence made her uneasy or something. Could be overthinking this as usual… but I’ll definitely keep my eye on it.

Definitely keep an eye on it.  Please be aware that the facebook app has different settings for viewing messages which may be the cause - and not your wife.  What clued me in is that you mentioned both your app, and the safari browser and were getting different results.  Go back to your app, and see if the message is still missing, if so, you will want to look for something that says "Most Relevant" single line, not at the top, but usually on the first screen you start scrolling on.

If you choose 'most relevant' (default setting) FB will filter out messages that it deems as less relevant - perhaps this is what happened.  In order to see all of the messages, select 'newest activity' or 'new posts' instead.  If you select one of the other settings, and it comes back, it is a facebook issue, not one that your wife has done.

It is easy to jump to conclusions with your pwBPD, because of their past behaviors; however, it may not be her fault.  I give the benefit of doubt, unless there is something beyond a reasonable doubt, I look for possible alternatives, and if there are none, then I will address it with my own wife.

Take care.

SD

[thankful person]

Thanks well I’m glad I didn’t confront her, fact is I know she has stolen and lied in the past so I’m very wary. As soon as I found the message, I went back to the app to check and it was there. So I don’t know what that means. I had checked quite a few times because I really wanted to read the message, but I hadn’t looked for a couple of days.