Hi kells76,
Are you feeling like you have to make a decision (about moving on) right now?
Its been a couple of weeks now, and I am still dealing with acceptance that things are they the way they are for now. So, no decision to "move on" right now.
He has actually asked for support in a friendship capacity. I have no clue what to do with that honestly, but it certainly will be the hot topic for my next therapy session.
Have they said anything to you about Dad not being around? Have you noticed anything behavioral going on -- or have their schools?
We explained that dad was having difficulties managing with his mental health and needed to take some space to sort himself out.
I've been speaking to my therapist about this as he nor I knew what to do.
We decided to take an open approach with the kids.
We had spoken to our eldest about 2 years ago about his condition as the questions about things like therapist appointments and splitting moments inevitably came up . Our eldest is, from what I can see, doing ok, very open to asking dad about his condition and we both are open to answer them as best we can. Our youngest doesn't have the emotional maturity to understand the situation, (youngest is being seen by a pediatrician for long standing behavior issues at school. Currently under assessment for ADHD and giftedness), so basically she's been told dad has not been feeling very good and needs some time to get better, but he loves you always and you will still see him lots. I've encouraged them to ask anything, whenever and I'll do my best to answer.
He is still picking them up from school everyday to try and maintain a sense of normal/routine for them. I feel this still gives them a chance to see him and chat daily. Even if its just for a little bit.
This will be a work in progress I think. Been considering co parenting options with consideration to how much he can take on deal with at the moment.
OK, hopefully that is a positive thing -- he's not with a stranger or out on the street. He has a roof over his head with a known person. Are you able to be in touch with that family member (or would you want to be)? Is that in the area or out of town?
I personally think this is the best option for now. They're not far from us and I myself am on good terms with this family member.
pwBPD can be extremely emotionally convincing. The stuff they say sounds true, because they genuinely feel it... in the moment. He may have really felt that way -- at that specific point in time.
I never really understood this point. How genuine these feelings were for him. He would speak about black and white thinking and I always took that to mean binary. Good/bad. Or happy/sad.
And, pwBPD can sometimes "extrapolate" and "interpolate" feelings forward and backward in time. If they feel XYZ now, then they must have always felt XYZ, and nothing will ever change in the future to change them feeling XYZ. They struggle to have perspective and to sit with shades of grey. It can't be that "well, even though right now I'm struggling with feeling alone and isolated in my relationship, we did have some good times in the past, and if we can get through this, the future might be better". If they feel XYZ, then it has always and will always be XYZ.
Yes, he had been struggling a lot with this. He would talk at length about friendships he'd had since childhood and how they just couldn't work anymore. I struggled to comprehend how he could think like that about friends he'd had so much history with. Good times seemed to be forgotten and bad times seems amplified. I see now, this is the nature of the dichotomous thinking patterns.
It's been interesting though, even with BPD he is very self aware. He had been highlighting things like invalidation, gaslighting, cognitive dissonance, projection and lack of consideration behaviors from his friends. He kept saying how exhausting it was to maintain these relationships. Honestly, he wasn't wrong. I think he just lacks the "and if we can get through this part, the future might be better" bit.
The challenge for you is not to let his feeling XYZ be what leads the relationship. He struggles with mental illness -- he can't be the emotional leader.
This! This part hurts for a few reasons.
I never truly understood the gravity of what he deals with day in and day out.
He managed so so well, he always tried his best not to let his BPD out. Towards the end he called it masking. He would say it was all different masks for different people and situations. And that it was exhausting.
It wasn't until recently it dawned on me.
I saw him as my rock, and in a way, the leader of not just our relationship, but our family.
This is part of the guilt I'll probably carry from here on, the fact that he has been struggling with his mental health the whole time and I let him. I let him, even though it was too much for him to deal with. It was me that needed to lead us.
The other side to this is feeling lied to. I was left feeling like he had never been authentic. Like the 18 years we had was a mask he had curated for me. Like none of it was real. I don't know if this part is just me feeling hurt or if its true.
It may or may not be true that you two need to separate -- but that's not because he had a day recently where he convincingly felt like you two had never worked together! If you need to separate, it would be for other reasons, not how he's feeling on a bad day.
I agree on this point. We were teens when we got together. Recently I've been researching and become aware of how a pwBPD and FP relationship can be highly dysfunctional. Issues of codependency were very much highlighted for us towards the end there.
Although neither of us wanted to split up, I honestly believe we need some time apart to address some of the underlying individual issues we have. Neither of us had or 20's, we were parents already. He's always struggled with his sense of self and I kind of got lost in the role of parent/ partner/ friend etc.
In saying that, I'm still hopeful it won't be forever though.
How did you respond (or did you) when he said you'd never been compatible and had no shared interests, and he was tired of trying to make things work?
I had to take some time with this one.
He had given me so many convincing examples to support incompatibility. I approached him a day later with "receipts". Facts, that outlined that although we have differences we still do have shared values, interests and hobbies. He seemed accepting of that point.
I had no legs to stand on with him saying he was tired of trying. He really did try. For 6 solid months. I honestly let him down on that one. I found every insecurity I had was being triggered. Even insecurities I didn't know I had. The only words I have are 'emotional downward spiral'. It reminds me of when your a kid, riding your bike, heading for a tree. You panic and put so much focus on not hitting the tree, that you end up hitting the tree. That was me.
Do you think that his T's absence could be tied to his recent decline?
What do you think might happen when his T comes back?
I don't think the absence caused this. We had both noticed he wasn't coping about a year ago.
I'm hoping with his therapists return he can gain some stability with his own management. I would go so far as to hope for reconciliation, but with this bit of time away I've had a lot to reflect on. Honestly, I'm thinking we both may need some time to gain back a stable sense of self. I feel like we became too tangled up in each other.
These are the hardest relationship -- but there is hope. While a relationship with a pwBPD likely won't ever be a "generally normal" relationship, people stay for all kinds of reasons that we respect. Here we focus on new tools, skills, and approaches that are 100% under your control (
he doesn't need to agree or participate or cooperate, fortunately!) that you can practice to make your participation in the relationship safer and more workable.
This is very encouraging. And yes! Fortunately indeed!
Thanks for reaching out and caring.
