Divorcing my with with BPD. Been married for 2 years

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello,

   This is my first time ever reachjng out online for support and or any sort of feedback about my relationship with my wife.

i want to start off by explaining what happen during our relationship as short as i can (alot has happened within 2 years) so i met her when i was 22 and she was 18. We were dating for a while and then got engaged very quickly. She also was pregnant and because of my religous background i married her. I never knew what BPD was before her and was not prepared at all to what was about to happen to me.

After being married and having our son i realized during that time it felt a little off. It didnt feel like she was so about me as she was when i first met her. But regardless i wanted to stay true to my word and my faith. One day she called the police while we were living with my family at the time and told her father that i was forcing her to leave our house. The police came and we were all confused why she was acting this way. She then takes our child and goes to her parents house. My family and i were confused and figured maybe she just needs a day to calm down due to post partum.

To our surprise she filed for an ex larte emergency custody and was trying to take him from me. I was so shocked. Two weeks after that before our court hearing i tried my best to reconcile with her and try to hnderstand why she was acting this way. Crazy enough she withdrew from the case LAST SECOND. She then comes home and then a month later i get a call from her therapist while i was at work and she told me she called the ambulance because my wife was threatening to take her own life. This is when i found out she was self harming.

DCF got involved and restricted her from seeing our son. Every day while she was at the hospital she would call me begging fir forgiveness (the one and only time she tried to apologize to me) i spoke with my parents and we allowed her a chance to come back. But my mother wasnt comfortable with her being at our house so i moved in with her family so that we could stay united. While i was at her parents house with her i found out she was talking to her ex and this bothered me so much to the point where i needed a break because of everything that was happening right after the other. While i was at my parents house i then found out from her friend that she was cheating on me and this absolutely destroyed me. She told me that since i was gone she didnt feel loved and was trying to fill a void within her. So i tried my best to reconcile even dispite the fact that my wife cheated on me. I was never able to get passed that but i still tried to work through it with her.

I eventually got us into an apartment where i thiught ok this can be like a fresh start for us and she promised to be loyal to me. One night we had an argument because i wasnt able to forgive her for what she did especially since i never felt like she was truley sorry for it. What she said in response was “you always talk about what happened, and i dont feel bad about it anymore”. When she said that i questioned her and asked how are we going to rebuild trust? She then said “idk i just want to self harm, and once i think about doing it i cant stop thinking about it till i do it”. Mind you she was oregnant at this time and was telling me that if i left her she was going to abort our child. She then goes to the bathroom and i followed her out if concern. Once i saw that she was about to do it again i got upset and told her to leave the house. I threw her things outside and she threatened to call the police. She then came to the door and i moved her away from the door and closed it. Soon enough the police came and arrested me for disorderly conduct. After i got pit of jail i couldnt handle this anymore and went and filed for divorce. After i did that she filed a restraining order on me and it was granted.

We are currently going theough the divorce process and she is trying to get sole custody. She is telling everyone that i abused her. I have t spoken to her since that night. What the hell am i going to do from here on out? Is she just mad that i left her? She isnt letting me see our son either. Is this her way of trying to get me back into the relationship? Is she going to try to reach out to me? Or am i just somebody she used and is now tossed away?

[Struga99]

Hello,

   This is my first time ever reachjng out online for support and or any sort of feedback about my relationship with my wife.

i want to start off by explaining what happen during our relationship as short as i can (alot has happened within 2 years) so i met her when i was 22 and she was 18. We were dating for a while and then got engaged very quickly. She also was pregnant and because of my religous background i married her. I never knew what BPD was before her and was not prepared at all to what was about to happen to me.

After being married and having our son i realized during that time it felt a little off. It didnt feel like she was so about me as she was when i first met her. But regardless i wanted to stay true to my word and my faith. One day she called the police while we were living with my family at the time and told her father that i was forcing her to leave our house. The police came and we were all confused why she was acting this way. She then takes our child and goes to her parents house. My family and i were confused and figured maybe she just needs a day to calm down due to post partum.

To our surprise she filed for an ex larte emergency custody and was trying to take him from me. I was so shocked. Two weeks after that before our court hearing i tried my best to reconcile with her and try to hnderstand why she was acting this way. Crazy enough she withdrew from the case LAST SECOND. She then comes home and then a month later i get a call from her therapist while i was at work and she told me she called the ambulance because my wife was threatening to take her own life. This is when i found out she was self harming.

DCF got involved and restricted her from seeing our son. Every day while she was at the hospital she would call me begging fir forgiveness (the one and only time she tried to apologize to me) i spoke with my parents and we allowed her a chance to come back. But my mother wasnt comfortable with her being at our house so i moved in with her family so that we could stay united. While i was at her parents house with her i found out she was talking to her ex and this bothered me so much to the point where i needed a break because of everything that was happening right after the other. While i was at my parents house i then found out from her friend that she was cheating on me and this absolutely destroyed me. She told me that since i was gone she didnt feel loved and was trying to fill a void within her. So i tried my best to reconcile even dispite the fact that my wife cheated on me. I was never able to get passed that but i still tried to work through it with her.

I eventually got us into an apartment where i thiught ok this can be like a fresh start for us and she promised to be loyal to me. One night we had an argument because i wasnt able to forgive her for what she did especially since i never felt like she was truley sorry for it. What she said in response was “you always talk about what happened, and i dont feel bad about it anymore”. When she said that i questioned her and asked how are we going to rebuild trust? She then said “idk i just want to self harm, and once i think about doing it i cant stop thinking about it till i do it”. Mind you she was oregnant at this time and was telling me that if i left her she was going to abort our child. She then goes to the bathroom and i followed her out if concern. Once i saw that she was about to do it again i got upset and told her to leave the house. I threw her things outside and she threatened to call the police. She then came to the door and i moved her away from the door and closed it. Soon enough the police came and arrested me for disorderly conduct. After i got pit of jail i couldnt handle this anymore and went and filed for divorce. After i did that she filed a restraining order on me and it was granted.

We are currently going theough the divorce process and she is trying to get sole custody. She is telling everyone that i abused her. I have t spoken to her since that night. What the hell am i going to do from here on out? Is she just mad that i left her? She isnt letting me see our son either. Is this her way of trying to get me back into the relationship? Is she going to try to reach out to me? Or am i just somebody she used and is now tossed away?

[ForeverDad]

I am sure you've already realized this is a very complicated and extremely sticky mess in every respect.  That said, I will post a few generic comments and I'm sure others will come along and add their thoughts too.  Our empathy for you, your child and your dilemma is clear.  "Been there, done that."
 

Be aware this is a peer support site and as such we cannot give any legal advice.  Nor do we want to detract from needed local support such as family & trusted friends, counselors, criminal attorneys (for the abuse allegations) and divorce lawyers.  However, many of us have been in your shoes and even though for us it is a past experience, we want to "pay it forward" with what we've learned, both with deep empathy and from a practical standpoint with time-tested strategies to consider.

First and foremost, you must never admit to being abusive.  Even if it seems like a "quick fix" it is long-term devastating.  Even making a plea deal is in fact an admission of guilt.  Doing so would make appropriate custody and parenting almost impossible to accomplish.  So stick with the truth, you are not and never have been abusive.  Her claims are her perceptions and only that.  Period.

Beware too of making apologies to her.  If you feel compelled to apologize, then limit it to apologizing for her feeling hurt.  As in, "I'm sorry you feel that way."  Last I heard, no court will convict you for hurting her feelings.  Just in case, consult your criminal attorney every step of the way.  Probably both attorneys would instruct you not to even talk or communicate with her ever and not without their express approval.  Or at least while these cases are pending.

Is there more than one child now?  Is there no doubt the child(ren) are yours?  Has there been DNA paternity testing?  If not your genetic child(ren), then now is the time to make clear to the court cases about such crucial facts.

There is so much more to add, but <breathe deeply> for a moment to gather your wits and let us help you to see matter from an objective perspective too.

[Pook075]

Hi Struga99, I'm so sorry you're going through this.  While your story is heartbreaking and there's a lot that members here will be able to relate to, I can't imagine going through it.  My breakup was mild in comparison and our children were grown, so it was nowhere near as complicated.

First off, how recent was the breakup, arrest, etc?

I ask this because when things are super fresh, it's hard to focus on a single thing. 

In terms of custody, am I reading correctly that your wife has lost her rights multiple times and has also been admitted for psychiatric care for suicidal threats?  If so, that documentation could make it difficult for her to get sole custody of the children.  You need to speak with a divorce attorney as soon as possible to receive legal guidance on how to proceed. 

As ForeverDad mentioned, that's not something we can guide you on since we're not attorneys and every state is different.

Now let's talk about the criminal charges.  Have you retained an attorney for that yet?  Hopefully you can get the charges dropped since that can play a serious factor in how this plays out.

In terms of what she's thinking/feeling, people with BPD have a strong fear of abandonment...so her worst nightmare came true that night when you tried to throw her out.  She might see the situation as a lot more unstable than what you just described, which is why she believes you were abusive.  Remember, she was already unstable because she wanted to harm herself, and that path forward there should have been to call 9-1-1 to get her help.  Then we'd be talking about a completely different situation here.

Normally I'd say to try and reestablish communication to talk through this, but it will likely have to be through an attorney due to the restraining order.  Again, this all falls under "legal advice" and you need an attorney to guide you.  At this point, any action on your behalf will only make matters worse unless you do it through the court system.

Please let us know what specific (non-legal) questions we can answer for you.

[Struga99]

Well i dont have the money for an attorney and since its my first time ever being arreted for anything the court offered me a program and after completing it they will drop the charges. Im still in shock about all of this. I wish we could have worked out. I wish she could have seen me as someone who loved her deeply. I wish she had it in her to understand how badly im hurt. But i cant be a loser anymore and keep taking the blame for things that were ultimately her decision and her choice that did hurt me. I dont even know if my son is my son. She seemed very convincing to me tho in telling me he is. But for some reason i still have my doubts. I just wish this was all over and that she would let me see him and not fight me in court. I dont want to make each other look bad in order to “win” our child. This has been so much for me too handle. I just hated feeling like i was nothing and that she doesnt even care that she slept with someone else and what that did to me mentally. In her mind it was ok. But in reality i just needed time to relax and understand what was going on. The restraining order only lasts for 5more months. Idk if this is her way to get me to say sorry or she is just punishing me or painted me black. Did she ever even love me? Am i really just someome she married and had a child with but didnt see me as anything to not care about me at all? I understand the divorce maybe shocked her. But she didnt even care to explain her thoughts or how she felt about me or the divorce. She just wants to get rid of me now. The more i think about this the more i begin that everything actually was my fault. But then that when i realize im falling for her game AGAIN. This is why i decided to end our relationship. I cant be a nobody to someone when i make them my entire world. Im just a loser

[Struga99]

Also just to add. After i came back from the court hearing. She had already aborted our child again. Which also made me feel very bad especially seeing how she was so happy to be pregnant again and i told all my family and friends. So as of now we only have one child. I guess its a good and bad thing depending on how you want to look at it. Honestly if she didnt do that. I probably would still be with her..

[Struga99]

The divorce, my arrest all happened at once about 2 months ago now. I havent spoken to her since January 6th through the court given app. Its clear she has no intentions of reconciling or mediation or anything. She just wants me to suffer or punish me for wanting things to end. Im sorry that it happened. I just couldnt handle the stress anymore and the emotional abuse anymore.

[Pook075]

The more i think about this the more i begin that everything actually was my fault.

Let's just focus on this one thing since it's something we can control right now.  This is 99% not your fault.

The 1% that is your fault was not dialing 9-1-1 when she said she was going into the bathroom to harm herself.  Maybe it was a bluff, maybe it was real, but you should have had her placed in a psych evaluation for being a danger to herself.  That's the one thing you really blew...you didn't hold her responsible in the moment.

Everything else is not your fault though and in some ways, it's not her fault either.  She's mentally ill and made some bad choices, and she'll continue to do that her entire life.  This has nothing to do with you, it's all on her, and there's nothing you could have said or done to reach a different outcome.  She's sick.

Think about it this way- if she had asthma, would you be mad at her for having trouble breathing sometimes?  Of course not, you'd show compassion.  This is the exact same thing; she jumps to poor conclusions due to mental illness and it causes her to make bad decisions in life.

Finish out the program to get the charges dropped, then wait out the restraining order.  That's all you can do, you're stuck with no other options.  And you're not a loser, you simply fell for a sick woman.  There's no shame in that since we all did it on this board.

Take care of yourself man- get outside, get some exercise, hang out with friends and family.  It also might help to see a counselor, just to talk this out face to face...there should be some free or low cost options in your area.  You just need to process this and get through it, and that's going to take some time (it's different for everyone).

You can't blame yourself though, this is not your fault!

[ForeverDad]

In the old days before DNA paternity testing the biggest deciding factor was whether married or not.  But now we have DNA tests that remove all doubt.  Claims or Denials get replaced by Fact.

Of course that only answers the genetic question.  Some states are a bit iffy on when that applies.  If there is doubt and the father doesn't contest within a reasonable time then after a few years some courts deny "I'm not the father" assertions.

In case you're not aware, we have to be very careful about DV and protection claims.  If we admit it, such as in a plea deal, then you can't legally claim you're innocent.  If you deny but are still sentenced then at least you can continue stating you were innocent.

If you can't afford a lawyer, likely you can afford less expensive (or even free) brief consultations.  Just a thought for next time.  Sad news, if you remain married to her then almost certainly there will be a next time.  After all, these classes you are taking for the case to be dropped, she isn't going to any remedial classes.  So she's unlikely to improve.

Here's a thought... If you deem the marriage to have truly failed then - once the pending classes are completed and the case is dropped - that might be a good time to file for divorce.  You would of course have to keep your distance and obey all the conditions of her protection order as long as it lasts but you could file for divorce from a distance and not be subjected to her looming over you making more threats.  What do you think?

[Struga99]

I dont even mnow what to expect. Ive thought about it. The pending DV case is coming before the divorce case. So perhaps the judge will see that im currently taking it. Divorce takes a while before its concluded so im pretty sure i can finish the classes within that timeframe. And ya obviously im not going to go against the rules of the protection order. Im not planning on reaching out to her. Ive been chasing her and trying my best to make her feel loved. One thing i wish was having more knowledge about the disorder during the marriage. I constantly think back and think maybe i could have been better to her. But at the same time i realize that if she can discard me so easily and not speak to me then thats really my closure. How can we even reconcile now when im legally not allowed to talk to her. I have to sacrifice so much just for an apology from her on the things that she has done to hurt me badly. But that has to be done on her part and i cant keep waiting anymore. If she loved me she would have said somethjng to me by now. Its been an entire month since weve spoken through text and about 2 months since ive seen her in person. Its clear that i was just her umbrella in the rain. You love the umbrella that protects you from the rain but once the rain is over you look at the umbrella as a burden to carry. Ive invested so much into her and the sad thing is if she actually did care and spoke to me i probably would go back to her. Im the one who filed so the likelyhood of that is probably very slim. She is in treatment and i think she is keeping up with her medication. But from what ive read online. Treatment takes a long time and the possibility of relapse is always there. Perhaps it is just better for me to move on and try to find a girl who does admire me and respect me. And that is faithful to me. The past 2 months have been a crazy experience for me. Ive been staying at my parents house till i have the chance to move out. Maybe i can take this opportunity for a new beginning for me. The one thing is she will always be in my life because of our son and i love him so deerly. Im positive that once i move on and she sees im doing better. Thats when she is going to try to trap me again…