Cheating Girlfriend / Was she a BPD? / I ruminate about ex

[Lafayette]

Hello everyone,

I ended my relationship in at the end of August 2023 with my 2.5 Girlfriend (February 2021) by finding out she cheated on me. I am doing okay right now, meaning - my daily life and responsibilites are stable and the only problem I have right now is still ruminating about the relationship, there are few reasons why and I would like to shre with You my story starting with basic description of me and my ex personality / childhood history etc. I will try to describe me the best I can and Ex - in most objective way I can.

Was this simply a bad relationship where we detached? Or was I with girlfriend having BPD traits?

Ex(24, female) - she comes from a "good home" with good financial security, holidays together and they try to keep going out for Lunch every Sunday. In short everything I lacked (yep, I definetly share codependent traits). The problem is - her father "abused her emotionally" by demending far more from her than younger sister and also when they had financial problems he was reacting on her with anger / more demands. She doesn't hate him, she frankly loves him, but expressed to him his impact on her mental health. Throughout her school life she had basically none of the colleagues except 2 lifelong friends. Now She was in therapy since 20yo and was diagnosed with depression, OCD and recently ADHD. She now is working in Industrial Company with preety good salary. In work she is focused, works overtime and promotes, by quickly changing jobs - she is basically different person, because in free time after she usually stays in bed sleeping and scrolling Social Media. She has sarcastic personality most of the times.

Me(23, male) - I was raised in unhealthy family where my father at some point abused my mom emotionally from time to time making her feel unworthy. Each family event was basically ending in argument. I was never the target and I knew he cared for me, but because of his attitude towards my mom I was no able to attach this much to him. At my 18s mom found out he cheated on her and they divorced. Now I visit him once/2weeks, but since like 2019, so before pandemic - he started having I belive some middle age crysis and started reading Conspiracy Theories (yes, hah) and now he fully developed "Foil Hat". This is perfect background to develop codependency and anxious attachement style in romantic relationships and unfortunately I believe I did develop those to some extent. However, despite My Home environment, I was able to always have some colleagues in School (I believe simply by beeing a non creepy boy, also I think girls are more hierarchical in their social groups during school years). I managed to become first one with high education degree in my entire family and now I work as Mechanical Engineer (yes I managed to trust in scientific research despite my Foil Hat Father). I always wanted to have a romantic relationship, but I knew that being in one in Highscool has no future in most of cases. I had opportunity to reject one Great Girl, because I saw how unauthentic she has become (from Typical Catholic Girl she simply wanted to feel accepted, but managed that in a wrong way by showing off with drinks and smoking) - Authenticity for me was always Crucial in Potential Partners. Without being grandiose one of my characterisitcs is Perfect Memory - which is why I ruminate.

Now the story...

I met my exgirlfriend at the start of 2021 by my Lifelong friend who is also her colleague. We started talking and doing classic pre-relationship stuff. Once we kissed for the first time we met once more and had a talk about US (btw - we were eachother's first as for being in relationship and being sexual).
I remember this like yeasterday - I told her that I would like to oficially be in a relationship, but also wanted her to agree on following terms:

• If You ever have some issue - tell me, and let's work on the potential solutions together
• Be always honest
• Never cheat on me (later told her about my father cheating as I saw how painfull it was for my mother)

After that - We had our honeymoon phase, where I was and felt well - appreciated by who I am.
We developed trust and intimacy - she had very low libido due to her depression (and medication she started taking since beginning of the r/s) - better sex came much later, but during honeymoon we created beautiful memories by simply hugging / touching her naked back).
For every activity we created a Proper Unique Name - usually associated by her creative childish inner child behaviour when she felt happy and safe.
She opened about about her depression and I assured her that it's not a problem, she shared with me what she talks about in therapy (father story) and how happy she is I appeared in her life.

During 2022 - she had the worst mental breakdown, she was busy with finishing her college Thesis on time, passing the remaining Subjects, and halftime Internship Job. During that time she said she was unsure she loves me, I assured her that she should not force the feeling on herself because it isn't always present. Basically during this peroid I most usually was coming to her for her time saving, and helped her with Passing Online Exams. After that the Honeymoon Part 2 Season started:

• She was grateful for being for her
• We started going on lots of Trips in free time
• Sex Life improved Significantly
• She talked with her father about his impact on her and they understood eachother more
• She wanted to come to me very often and I felt her love (even though she was alwasy afraid of using this word and she actually never did on her own)
• She looked at me very admiring way each time I was helping her younger sister who just started studing the same Degree as mine
• She said and initiated subject by saying - She finally sees her living with someone once she moves out from family home - and we will talk about it once I free myself from Daily College Studies

On my Birthday Card in August - she wrote very positive and reassuring words:
"I know Your Engineering Thesis will be done smoothly in contrary how mine looked like"and...
"... I am happy to wish You happy birthday for the second time, I feel happy and calm by Your Side"

This Very Positive Phase lasted since January 2022 to November 2022 and because of that I felt Reassured that We are on the Stable Ground and Looking on Future Together.

In November we both weren't able to spend time actively. She by her own will decided to work longer at work to be potentially promoted. However - every time we met I tried to initiate intimacy (mental expecially) - if she was too tired she basically wasn't able to talk with full attention or wasn't able to hold my hand (wasn't cheating back then, but still). We had a talk and she basicaly said that since childhood she wasn't very touchy - I understood that that's who she is and never pushed her, especially in times of overworking herself. Also she started arguing with her dad again.
I had to focus on Finishing my Thesis and My Internship Job, but everytime we met I bought her some snack / fauvorite drink in order to show daily affection on daily basis (you know, basic stuff). We still were looking for future apartments to rent once I graduate.

At the January 2023 I told her that she is recently very sarcastic towards me and she doesnt' show any affection. I stated that I don't need compliments this much, that she can minimalize the sarcasm or keep it but add some positive counterweight to it. She seemd like she doesn't care - saying "Okay, I understand". I started crying by seeing her response, but she assured me she will work on it.

For follownig month she was being talkative, minimalized sarcasm and i I felt the stability again. I focused on my Graduation and finally did it.

SHE WANTS TO BREAK UP BY HIDING CHEATING:
Week after my Graduation (February 2023) she comes to me and says she doesn't see the future and she sees me as a friend. She wants to break up and stay friends. I start crying, because i don't know what is happening. I ask why, becasue she initiated talks about future living together recently. She answers that this was long time ago (month ago is a long period?). In short - I ask her why she doesn't adress problems if there were any, we were busy and we became a little boring, but is this enough to end the relationhip without trying to fix it first? She agreed to spend next month on reconnecting (because she moves to different town by changing her job).
FEBRUARY-APRIL
1. Next Month (February - End of March 2023) is spend actively, we talk, laugh, be intimate.
2. I ask her at the End of March what do we do with us because she moves to different town and I need honest answer that she still wants to be in a relationship.
3. Despite the recent positive time spend she says she wants to just be friends - My codependancy turns ON and i say that I am surprised and that I cannot be her friend, because I am mentally at different place.
4. It is time to say goodbye I tell her that it is sad that she wants to end 2 year relationship, I tell I Love her and I will always remember her in positive way.
5. As I am leaving she kisses me and says she has a second thoughts. I say that don't want push-pull behaviour and leave her for 3 days alone to be with her own thoughts and decide what she wants.
6. Three days later I arrive and she greets me with affection, says she will do her best, she sees value in me and I can come even for a full week to her new small apartment (she has a new job) and work remotely. I ask her is she really serious, that now becasue we would be in the same town only for weeknds she has to dedicate herself to actively put effort in this relationship - she smiles and reassures me. We have great time for about a month.
MAY
She went to a wedding with a friend, but after that - she told me she will come on next wedding (this time as a guest) only with someone who can dance - I cannot dance and I felt so humiliated and criticized. The following month is great, but in May i got silent / minor attention treatment for 3 weeks and I asked why is she so cold and never asked how my day is going. She answered she sees me as a friend  - my codependency / trauma bonding gets stronger - I ask why she changes constantly her mind. I unwilingly started doing pick-me dance for 2 weeks.
    JUNE
Everything gets back to normal - she talks to me regularly, wants to spend time with me. Everything seems great again. We plan future vacation together and I feel stability once more.
AUGUST
Few things happen:

• I get silent treatment again
• She feels very grandiose and talks about our vacation at work - becasue it's very unique destination
• She mocks me in front of her sister for having a very exclusive job I like where I like not talking to many people from all of the departments (in contrary to her proffesion)
• She stops taking her Depression / ADHD medication
• She doesn't want any intimacy (talking about non sexual one) with me
• She has rage, and acts out on her sister blaming her for things she had no infuence on
• I get some ricochet by defending her sister

I came back home and I realized that it is a hell, not a relationship. I had everything booked on vacation together, but I knew I don't recognize the girl I met and known for most of the time.

DISCOVERY AND THE END
I decided to come to her for a week and work remotely. When she left for her Job - I decided to look throuh her Computer with logged in Facebook / Mail.

• She cheated in February with coworker after going out with all her work friends for drinks
• Since then she was in limerence with this 27yo guy, not sure they hooked up again during our Recconection Period
• 10 days after wanting me back in April - she wrote to her friend that she wishes he would invite her on a date
• He invited her on wedding and charmed her, they hooked up again
• All her descriptions of him in text to her friend were very teenage-like, long text describing him and how he would take her on parties, this was pure infatuation
• After the wedding - the guy stopped talking to her (got what he wanted I suppose) and she became depressed
• Every time he gave her mixed signals - she reversed and gave the attention to me
• After he ignored her - she tried Tinder, but never met with anyone in person

I confronted her, she seemed shocked, tried to hide she didn't recognize his name, she started crying and said following words and excuses:

• She played trickle truth by admitting only to things she knew I had evidence for
• Primarily - only emotional affair
• " I was considering open-relationship " I repsonded --> "I don't think You truly want that - I think failed Plan A / using me as Plan B / Using Tinder is the proof that You don't know what You are looking for in order to feel better"
  
• Finally admitting to physical affair
• She collapsed (mortification) and started crying, she doesn't know what's happening at the moment, memory loss, completly disoriented, wanted my hugs to feel better (and I gave them to her - codependency)
  
• "Well, I liked him..."
• "Not like this is an excuse, but I was drunk..."
• "I felt nothing..."
• "Later on - I didn't like him this much"
• "What have I done, You will never forgive me, You will never like me"
• "We should have met in future when I was already after some other relationships"
• "I truely loved You back then" - she mentioned the Honeymoon Part II Season when I helped her a lot, I responded --> "Well, and You have proven this Past Love by disrespecting and hurting me"

I knew that the girl I loved is gone and I had no urge to shout at her / call her names - I knew that most of the emotions will come later while I will be alone so....
I kissed her on the forehead, said goodbye and left, went on vacation alone, she lost 1500$ on bookings and haven't talked with her since.

Once I returned from vacations - I saw her in the city with some 4 guys on bikes. Also by our common firends she apparently is Glad it ended becasue she tried to end this many times, but was afraid of my emotional state. The thing is - I never said anything that would suggest me making any harm to myself or loosing sense of existence.
I loved very much - Yes, I wanted to fix things - Yes, But back in April - I was ready to let her go, but cut the contact for my own mental health. But she kept as Plan B and emotional support while Plan A failed.

I went to therapy and I talked about it - Therpaist said she has BPD traits. I don't want to publicly name her with diagnosis based on my own suspicions because that's harmful, but I cannot stop ruminating about how she changed in the last 6 months of relationship (or she simply just stopped hiding). The Traits I have recognized are:

• Fear of Intimacy
• The best moments I loved about her was when she showed her inner child
• Lack of self-awareness, long-term memory loss, apparently object-inconstancy
• Telling her that she is too sarcastic in January - abandonment trigger?
• She mirrored guys she cheated with hobbies and lifestyle - same with me
• Tinder - impulsive need for supply, romantic interest was no longer personalized
• Treatment towards me when she was in limerence with the guy
• Once she got promoted at her job and found new friends - grandiose ego boost
• She asked me 2 times this question: "If we ever were to break up - do you think we could get back together?"
  
• Diagnosed Depression / ADHD

[Lafayette]

Hello everyone,

I ended my relationship in at the end of August 2023 with my 2.5 Girlfriend (February 2021) by finding out she cheated on me. I am doing okay right now, meaning - my daily life and responsibilites are stable and the only problem I have right now is still ruminating about the relationship, there are few reasons why and I would like to shre with You my story starting with basic description of me and my ex personality / childhood history etc. I will try to describe me the best I can and Ex - in most objective way I can.

Was this simply a bad relationship where we detached? Or was I with girlfriend having BPD traits?

Ex(24, female) - she comes from a "good home" with good financial security, holidays together and they try to keep going out for Lunch every Sunday. In short everything I lacked (yep, I definetly share codependent traits). The problem is - her father "abused her emotionally" by demending far more from her than younger sister and also when they had financial problems he was reacting on her with anger / more demands. She doesn't hate him, she frankly loves him, but expressed to him his impact on her mental health. Throughout her school life she had basically none of the colleagues except 2 lifelong friends. Now She was in therapy since 20yo and was diagnosed with depression, OCD and recently ADHD. She now is working in Company with preety good salary. In work she is focused, works overtime and promotes, by quickly changing jobs - she is basically different person, because in free time after she usually stays in bed sleeping and scrolling Social Media. She has sarcastic personality most of the times.

Me(23, male) - I was raised in unhealthy family where my father at some point abused my mom emotionally from time to time making her feel unworthy. Each family event was basically ending in argument. I was never the target and I knew he cared for me, but because of his attitude towards my mom I was no able to attach this much to him. At my 18s mom found out he cheated on her and they divorced. Now I visit him once/2weeks, but since like 2019, so before pandemic - he started having I belive some middle age crysis and started reading Conspiracy Theories (yes, hah) and now he fully developed "Foil Hat". This is perfect background to develop codependency and anxious attachement style in romantic relationships and unfortunately I believe I did develop those to some extent. However, despite My Home environment, I was able to always have some colleagues in School (I believe simply by beeing a non creepy boy, also I think girls are more hierarchical in their social groups during school years). I managed to become first one with high education degree in my entire family and now I work as Engineer (yes I managed to trust in scientific research despite my Foil Hat Father). I always wanted to have a romantic relationship, but I knew that being in one in Highscool has no future in most of cases. I had opportunity to reject one Great Girl, because I saw how unauthentic she has become (from Typical Catholic Girl she simply wanted to feel accepted, but managed that in a wrong way by showing off with drinks and smoking) - Authenticity for me was always Crucial in Potential Partners. Without being grandiose one of my characterisitcs is Perfect Memory - which is why I ruminate.

Now the story...

I met my exgirlfriend at the start of 2021 by my Lifelong friend who is also her colleague. We started talking and doing classic pre-relationship stuff. Once we kissed for the first time we met once more and had a talk about US (btw - we were eachother's first as for being in relationship and being sexual).
I remember this like yeasterday - I told her that I would like to oficially be in a relationship, but also wanted her to agree on following terms:

• If You ever have some issue - tell me, and let's work on the potential solutions together
• Be always honest
• Never cheat on me (later told her about my father cheating as I saw how painfull it was for my mother)

After that - We had our honeymoon phase, where I was and felt well - appreciated by who I am.
We developed trust and intimacy - she had very low libido due to her depression (and medication she started taking since beginning of the r/s) - better sex came much later, but during honeymoon we created beautiful memories by simply hugging / touching her naked back).
For every activity we created a Proper Unique Name - usually associated by her creative childish inner child behaviour when she felt happy and safe.
She opened about about her depression and I assured her that it's not a problem, she shared with me what she talks about in therapy (father story) and how happy she is I appeared in her life.

During 2022 - she had the worst mental breakdown, she was busy with finishing her college Thesis on time, passing the remaining Subjects, and halftime Internship Job. During that time she said she was unsure she loves me, I assured her that she should not force the feeling on herself because it isn't always present. Basically during this peroid I most usually was coming to her for her time saving, and helped her with Passing Online Exams. After that the Honeymoon Part 2 Season started:

• She was grateful for being for her
• We started going on lots of Trips in free time
• Sex Life improved Significantly
• She talked with her father about his impact on her and they understood eachother more
• She wanted to come to me very often and I felt her love (even though she was alwasy afraid of using this word and she actually never did on her own)
• She looked at me very admiring way each time I was helping her younger sister who just started studing the same Degree as mine
• She said and initiated subject by saying - She finally sees her living with someone once she moves out from family home - and we will talk about it once I free myself from Daily College Studies

On my Birthday Card - she wrote very positive and reassuring words:
"I know Your Engineering Thesis will be done smoothly in contrary how mine looked like"and...
"... I am happy to wish You happy birthday for the second time, I feel happy and calm by Your Side"

This Very Positive Phase lasted since January 2022 to November 2022 and because of that I felt Reassured that We are on the Stable Ground and Looking on Future Together.

In November we both weren't able to spend time actively. She by her own will decided to work longer at work to be potentially promoted. However - every time we met I tried to initiate intimacy (mental expecially) - if she was too tired she basically wasn't able to talk with full attention or wasn't able to hold my hand (wasn't cheating back then, but still). We had a talk and she basicaly said that since childhood she wasn't very touchy - I understood that that's who she is and never pushed her, especially in times of overworking herself. Also she started arguing with her dad again.
I had to focus on Finishing my Thesis and My Internship Job, but everytime we met I bought her some snack / fauvorite drink in order to show daily affection on daily basis (you know, basic stuff). We still were looking for future apartments to rent once I graduate.

At the January 2023 I told her that she is recently very sarcastic towards me and she doesnt' show any affection. I stated that I don't need compliments this much, that she can minimalize the sarcasm or keep it but add some positive counterweight to it. She seemd like she doesn't care - saying "Okay, I understand". I started crying by seeing her response, but she assured me she will work on it.

For follownig month she was being talkative, minimalized sarcasm and i I felt the stability again. I focused on my Graduation and finally did it.

SHE WANTS TO BREAK UP BY HIDING CHEATING:
Week after my Graduation (February 2023) she comes to me and says she doesn't see the future and she sees me as a friend. She wants to break up and stay friends. I start crying, because i don't know what is happening. I ask why, becasue she initiated talks about future living together recently. She answers that this was long time ago (month ago is a long period?). In short - I ask her why she doesn't adress problems if there were any, we were busy and we became a little boring, but is this enough to end the relationhip without trying to fix it first? She agreed to spend next month on reconnecting (because she moves to different town by changing her job).
FEBRUARY-APRIL
1. Next Month (February - End of March 2023) is spend actively, we talk, laugh, be intimate.
2. I ask her at the End of March what do we do with us because she moves to different town and I need honest answer that she still wants to be in a relationship.
3. Despite the recent positive time spend she says she wants to just be friends - My codependancy turns ON and i say that I am surprised and that I cannot be her friend, because I am mentally at different place.
4. It is time to say goodbye I tell her that it is sad that she wants to end 2 year relationship, I tell I Love her and I will always remember her in positive way.
5. As I am leaving she kisses me and says she has a second thoughts. I say that don't want push-pull behaviour and leave her for 3 days alone to be with her own thoughts and decide what she wants.
6. Three days later I arrive and she greets me with affection, says she will do her best, she sees value in me and I can come even for a full week to her new small apartment (she has a new job) and work remotely. I ask her is she really serious, that now becasue we would be in the same town only for weeknds she has to dedicate herself to actively put effort in this relationship - she smiles and reassures me. We have great time for about a month.
MAY
She went to a wedding with a friend, but after that - she told me she will come on next wedding (this time as a guest) only with someone who can dance - I cannot dance and I felt so humiliated and criticized. The following month is great, but in May i got silent / minor attention treatment for 3 weeks and I asked why is she so cold and never asked how my day is going. She answered she sees me as a friend  - my codependency / trauma bonding gets stronger - I ask why she changes constantly her mind. I unwilingly started doing pick-me dance for 2 weeks.
    JUNE
Everything gets back to normal - she talks to me regularly, wants to spend time with me. Everything seems great again. We plan future vacation together and I feel stability once more.
AUGUST
Few things happen:

• I get silent treatment again
• She feels very grandiose and talks about our vacation at work - becasue it's very unique destination
• She mocks me in front of her sister for having a very exclusive job I like where I like not talking to many people from all of the departments (in contrary to her proffesion)
• She stops taking her Depression / ADHD medication
• She doesn't want any intimacy (talking about non sexual one) with me
• She has rage, and acts out on her sister blaming her for things she had no infuence on
• I get some ricochet by defending her sister

I came back home and I realized that it is a hell, not a relationship. I had everything booked on vacation together, but I knew I don't recognize the girl I met and known for most of the time.

DISCOVERY AND THE END
I decided to come to her for a week and work remotely. When she left for her Job - I decided to look throuh her Computer with logged in Facebook / Mail.

• She cheated in February with coworker after going out with all her work friends for drinks
• Since then she was in limerence with this 27yo guy, not sure they hooked up again during our Recconection Period
• 10 days after wanting me back in April - she wrote to her friend that she wishes he would invite her on a date
• He invited her on wedding and charmed her, they hooked up again
• All her descriptions of him in text to her friend were very teenage-like, long text describing him and how he would take her on parties, this was pure infatuation
• After the wedding - the guy stopped talking to her (got what he wanted I suppose) and she became depressed
• Every time he gave her mixed signals - she reversed and gave the attention to me
• After he ignored her - she tried Tinder, but never met with anyone in person

I confronted her, she seemed shocked, tried to hide she didn't recognize his name, she started crying and said following words and excuses:

• She played trickle truth by admitting only to things she knew I had evidence for
• Primarily - only emotional affair
• " I was considering open-relationship " I repsonded --> "I don't think You truly want that - I think failed Plan A / using me as Plan B / Using Tinder is the proof that You don't know what You are looking for in order to feel better"
  
• Finally admitting to physical affair
• She collapsed (mortification) and started crying, she doesn't know what's happening at the moment, memory loss, completly disoriented, wanted my hugs to feel better (and I gave them to her - codependency)
  
• "Well, I liked him..."
• "Not like this is an excuse, but I was drunk..."
• "I felt nothing..."
• "Later on - I didn't like him this much"
• "What have I done, You will never forgive me, You will never like me"
• "We should have met in future when I was already after some other relationships"
• "I truely loved You back then" - she mentioned the Honeymoon Part II Season when I helped her a lot, I responded --> "Well, and You have proven this Past Love by disrespecting and hurting me"

I knew that the girl I loved is gone and I had no urge to shout at her / call her names - I knew that most of the emotions will come later while I will be alone so....
I kissed her on the forehead, said goodbye and left, went on vacation alone, she lost 1500$ on bookings and haven't talked with her since.

Once I returned from vacations - I saw her in the city with some 4 guys on bikes. Also by our common firends she apparently is Glad it ended becasue she tried to end this many times, but was afraid of my emotional state. The thing is - I never said anything that would suggest me making any harm to myself or loosing sense of existence.
I loved very much - Yes, I wanted to fix things - Yes, But back in April - I was ready to let her go, but cut the contact for my own mental health. But she kept as Plan B and emotional support while Plan A failed.

I went to therapy and I talked about it - Therpaist said she has BPD traits. I don't want to publicly name her with diagnosis based on my own suspicions because that's harmful, but I cannot stop ruminating about how she changed in the last 6 months of relationship (or she simply just stopped hiding). The Traits I have recognized are:

• Fear of Intimacy
• The best moments I loved about her was when she showed her inner child
• Lack of self-awareness, long-term memory loss, apparently object-inconstancy
• Telling her that she is too sarcastic in January - abandonment trigger?
• She mirrored guys she cheated with hobbies and lifestyle - same with me
• Tinder - impulsive need for supply, romantic interest was no longer personalized
• Treatment towards me when she was in limerence with the guy
• Once she got promoted at her job and found new friends - grandiose ego boost
• She asked me 2 times this question: "If we ever were to break

[once removed]

Was this simply a bad relationship where we detached? Or was I with girlfriend having BPD traits?

could it be both?

bpd relationships break down and end for the same reasons that other relationships do. they just notoriously tend to involve a lot of trauma and drama, more than average. they tend to continue past their expiration date (or, at least, for those of us that needed support), and when they collapse, or explode, one or both parties can have a pretty broken heart. you can think of BPD as one major component of "a bad relationship where we detached".

your therapist has suggested your ex has bpd traits, and certainly there is "bpdish" stuff you detail in your story. i think looking at your relationship through the lens of bpd, and through the lens of emotional immaturity, can certainly help you better understand your experience, and heal from it. most of the exes described here are subclinical (they have traits), but just a splash of bpd can make for a very difficult and hurtful person.

at the same time, bpd or not, its about you and your heart now, at least ultimately. bpd can inform your recovery, but it wont heal you in and of itself.

i think it definitely helps to get your story out there, and to explore this at a deeper level. what she did was traumatic, selfish, and very hurtful, and that can be complicated to recover from; it can leave wounds that can fester, and may be too complex in nature to heal on their own.