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[Paul Revere]

I don't really feel like I need to go into the insanity details at this time, I'm sure you have heard everything. What I'm looking for are ways to help create safety while not abandoning myself. I have strong boundaries around being manipulated, so giving in to "there can be peace if you just...." Feels like manipulation. I also am accused of stonewalling when I just refuse to do the argument to nowhere dance. After 12 years of marriage, I've learned to boundary what is by most accounts, bad behavior.   

We have small children together, also she is not able to support herself. So she lives in a room in my house, and she is actually pretty good with the children. Her being there is helpful since I don't have to pay for childcare. So it would be awesome to at least be friends, or at least foster a peaceful environment in the home.  Since it appears she isn't responding well to my hard lines, and seems to just want the world to revolve around her..... I'm at a loss as to how to do this.  I don't want to make her leave, but peace is important to the mental health of myself and the children.  I'm currently reading the book "the essential family guide to BPD. How to stop walking on egg shells". When she saw the title, she was triggered and said it wasn't living, and that I was going to weaponize it against her.   How do I reconcile this?

[kells76]

Hey Paul Revere and

Yup, we've heard it all, or, at least, most of it  You're in good company with others who "get it" about the challenges of BPD relationships. We all have "those stories."

I want to start off by saying that there is potential for things to get better. While there are no guarantees, I think I'm already seeing some areas where you can make changes in your approach to improve the relationship. Again -- we can't control anyone else, so it's not like "pull this lever for the results you want" -- but there are communication tools/skills that could be worth a try.

Boundaries, like you've found, are a big part of staying in a relationship with a pwBPD. I'd be curious to hear, after you check out our workshop on Boundaries and Values, what you already knew and what might be a new take or new info. Boundaries are "rules for ourselves" that don't require anyone else's cooperation, agreement, or enjoyment, and are for our protection. Boundaries aren't to change anyone else, just to take care of us.

But boundaries are just one part of having a healthy (or, at least, healthier) relationship. Without connection, there isn't much of a relationship. To connect safely and positively with a pwBPD, genuine validation is critical.

Fortunately, genuine validation of your W's feelings doesn't mean:

-you being manipulated
-believing her accusations
-abandoning yourself, your values, or your beliefs
-rolling over
-agreeing with her "facts"
-placating or appeasing her
-silently fuming but not saying anything
-being positive
-apologizing

It's more about finding the feelings behind the words she says, and validating the feelings -- not her "reasoning" for the feelings.

I bet we can workshop some stuff together, if you want -- maybe post a typical conflict, and we can help you find places to balance validation for connection, with boundaries for protection. Because I think you're right, here:

it appears she isn't responding well to my hard lines

She isn't going to like boundaries, and that's OK. What's challenging is if all she encounters are boundaries, then there isn't much emotional connection happening between you two. Finding safe ways to connect might be the next step for you two.

When she saw the title, she was triggered and said it wasn't living, and that I was going to weaponize it against her.

How did you respond when she said that?

[hint: I bet we can workshop some validating responses].

Hang in there -- we get it.

kells76

[ForeverDad]

When she saw the title she was triggered... So she's heard about BPD?  Wonder if she was diagnosed in the past.

We have small children together, also she is not able to support herself. So she lives in a room in my house, and she is actually pretty good with the children. Her being there is helpful since I don't have to pay for childcare.

Often people with BPD (pwBPD) are okay with small children. But... when the children get older they will naturally seek increasing independence, a natural aspect of growth.  That's when their mother is likely to fail at healthy parenting.

So be aware (beware?) that when you're speaking with professionals you really shouldn't say "she is actually pretty good with the children" unless you qualify it.  If she is substantively disordered then it will be reflected in her parenting, if not now then eventually.