What type of relationship are you in? My 24yo daughter was diagnosed BPD last year
Who else (if anyone), in child's family, has BPD? There is no one with a diagnosis that I know of, but looking back I can see the traits in my mother, who has passed.
What is your child's strongest quality? She cares about people and she is super smart
What are the top challenges your child is facing? Keeping a place to live, and caring for her two small children
What do you find most difficult in dealing with your child? She and I were very close when she was little, and I recognize our relationship now as deeply enmeshed. She started acting out when she was 12 (self-harm, running away), and by the time she was 16 she had been in-patient four separate times. She hated us, and wanted out. We were waiting for her 18th birthday so she could finally get what she wanted. Things changed when she got pregnant. She started participating in her treatment, we were great friends, it was a beautiful nine months. But the baby came, and four months later we were the enemy again and she left. She took the baby with her, then brought her back and left her with us. My daughter was in and out of our lives for almost six years. We cared for our granddaughter most of that time, with brief periods where she lived with her mom. Last year, when our granddaughter was living with us, our daughter got pregnant again, became suicidal, and checked herself in for treatment. When she was released, she needed a place to live, and we very reluctantly agreed to take her in. I thought we would last a week, but that was eight months ago. The new baby is here, and we did really, really well together (participating in her treatment, we were great friends, etc). And history repeats itself, sort of. This time, we're still the enemy, but she is leaving and taking the girls with her. She is unable to keep a job, and has no options for housing other than staying with one of her sisters. I'm anticipating all the ways this will go horribly wrong for us. Over the years we've spent thousands on helping with rent, lease-break fees, car payments, phone bills, and we keep putting a stop to it, only to start again. I'd love to think I'm at the end of that, but that's what I usually think.
How would you categorize your child? Diagnosed? Undiagnosed? Diagnosed.
What do you struggle with yourself? I feel a great deal of guilt about my daughter's childhood. I can see that she needed more than what we provided emotionally. I was a mom who gave long speeches and tried to make sure everyone and everything was okay all the time. I was controlling and tyrannical. I have been working a 12-step program focused on emotional sobriety, and trying to build a life for myself that doesn't involve rescuing and controlling my family members. I struggle to trust God with my future, given all the horrendous mistakes I have made in my marriage and raising my children. I had an emotional meltdown late last year that brought some clarity and a spark of renewed faith, as well as lots more work for me to do to find out who I want to be and what I want my life to look like.
Is anyone in therapy? Child? Parents?
If so, what types? My daughter is in therapy, but I'm not sure of the specifics. Might be DBT, but no group.
What are your goals at bpdfamily.com? I would like to connect with other people with adult children who have BPD, particularly those with grandchildren. I need mental clarity and help with boundaries. I have good support through church and 12-step, but no one "gets" BPD.
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