I met my wife over 11 years ago as a teenager at 18 and she was 16. I was heading off to college and I had many challenges in my childhood that made me feel very alone and out of place in school or anywhere in my life. When we first met, I felt something with her that I have never felt with anyone else before even with crushes that I had as a teenage boy. Even though we were so young I felt a bond with her instantly, which was a sense of wow this person makes me feel not so alone in this world and that I do not have to feel alone anymore. We talked for about a month and hungout everyday and started dating but unfortunately I had to leave for school shortly after we started dating which was very hard being so far away from each other but we did our best to visit and talk on the phone as much as possible.
Fast forward two years later when she graduated high school, we moved in together at the same school with her brother and then decided to get a dog together and switch schools back where we both grew up because neither of us were happy living where we were living. Due to certain family dynamics for both of us we both tried to continue to go to school but were struggling to pay for it since we were forced to also support ourselves and did not have family support. Fast forward a few more years we decide to get another dog together and buy our first home together which was a stretch but was the right decision especially with the ever rising rental prices.
Throughout the years since day one I have known that my wife had mental illness which was thought to be just a ongoing chemical imbalance of depression and then later bi-polar diagnosis. On and off throughout the years she would rip into me for some I will admit for valid reasons but many other times just out of the blue for things that seem trivial to most and was not always able to handle herself in public if things did not go perfectly. From there I would do my very best to comfort her and try to smooth over anything that other people saw from her to protect her. The longer this went on, between trying to handle her and deal with my own unresolved traumas and long commutes for a crappy job, I felt more and more depleted. For a long time I thought maybe I was the problem so eventually once it got to a point where I thought I would actually lose her because I thought I was the problem I finally got some therapy started working through some stuff and then reached a point where I tricked myself into believing I was healed.
Towards the beginning of the therapy we were trying to sell that first house for a huge profit and upgrade our life, but neither of us were happy I was ran thin and could not handle anymore. My wife has always took on too much, while driven held it against me all the time no matter what I did to try and improve us even if I did not financially. So that move was absolutely horrible and stressed me out to no end trying to deal with my crappy job, long commute and her constant unhappiness with everything no matter what I did. Again thinking I was the problem, she gave me a year to change otherwise she was going to leave me (which she threatened many times before and never followed through). So, I actually did make huge changes in myself which my therapist acknowledged but my wife never accepted my changes of course and made sure I knew it over and over again. In a very short time we made so many accomplishments and strides in our life even though the odds were against us but nothing seemed to make her happy enough.
Eventually I thought we came back together on the same level that we were when we first met which was very short lived. Due to circumstances, we bought a house that she never wanted and reminded me of that all the time. During this time thinking that it would make it better for myself and especially her (more so her), I was able to find a job close to home which was not by any means perfect but tolerable. However due to her continued unhappiness I felt unhappy that she was not happy so I looked for another job which came with a pay cut but allowed me to work from home which allowed me to grow even more and my thought was being home would help us be better for each other because she did not like that I was away during the day while she was at home working leaving the "burden" of everything else around the house for her to do even though I would help when I can and told her do not worry about it I will take care of it when I can or we will do it together.
Throughout all these years and time we had this cycle of her abusing me physically in the beginning which she stopped when I expressed my dislike of that, but the verbal abuse did not stop and she always seemed like a totally different person in that verbal abuse cycle, eyes glazed over etc. About a year ago I finally reached my limit of just taking it and after time and time again dealing with it and taking on her pain and working on myself a lot I fell into a black hole and said I wanted a divorce after so many divorce threats I had it. But once I expressed that she became relentlessly apologetic and begged me to stay and expressed her love for me, eventually I snapped out of it and backed down and went back to her because I still do believe she is truly my one true love. Once I started backing down she started to get angry and say that I need to get over myself and move on because life moves on and she cant keep waiting for me even though it was past her year ultimatum. So we went on with the same cycle threats of divorce, running away and suicide threats all the while I am still going to therapy and loving her unconditionally. More present times because I tried to enjoy and love the house that we bought together and accomplished together even though she never could I lost love for this house and we decided to sell it and try to find something more us where we could hopefully live happily ever after.
Several months ago and throughout last year her random rages and everything that comes with it has led me to finally after weeks of her belittle verbal abuse I finally had to say that I want a divorce even though I love her so so much and never will stop loving her. I pulled away and set boundaries which set her off even more and she cry and beg for me to stay and had to leave my house because of more suicide attempts and not giving me the space to heal. Months ago my therapist who cannot officially diagnose her told me he thinks she has BPD which has opened my eyes tremendously and explains a whole lot. Trying to stay strong I have been staying at my mother in laws because I had no where else to go keeping minimal contact trying to protect myself even though I do not want this at all and cannot tell her why I am doing what I am doing. It feels like the ultimate sacrifice, like a superhero who cannot ever be with the ones they love to protect them. Even though I have been begging for years on and off for her to get help she refused of course, which took this extreme to finally get her into therapy but she thinks that she is doing everything I have asked so I should come back and she does not understand that since she has a history of not being honest and attending therapy she has to learn to be by herself and do the healing and then we could explore down the road so that we both can heal and grow. I felt the right thing to do was to keep distance and not tell her or give any hope that we may come back together because I wanted her to get help for herself not for me. My mother in law is in full support of me not her daughter because of what she has done to me and with the BPD revelation we have a better understanding of her and now know that she may not ever be able to be happy and this whole experience and given us both so much clarity but still makes it hurt so much.
Me trying to cope and be able to move on even though I do not want to I brought dating down the road and exploring the dating apps which neither of us ever done just out of curiosity because I have had to try and find a way where i can be okay with this. All the while she has been begging crying and exclaiming again that I am her only love and that she will never love or have sex with anyone again. Even though it hurt so much to do so I had to put boundaries on how we interacted because if I was too casual that confused her.
Side story, throughout the years in the beginning the sex was all the time and amazing and then as the years went on it would go through waves where she would not let me touch her or get close to her no matter how gentle I was but then go into having sex a lot. Throughout time she would also throw me into a box with other people that hurt her in the past which was totally unfair and I understand is not totally her fault. This past year leading up to me wanting a divorce we had sex together very sparingly and she had a hard time with me getting close to her and sometimes disgusted with me which was when she was in her BPD episodes.
She was supposed to give me a plan for us to come together again but she never did and claimed that I would not be receptive of it but never gave me a chance. Because I am the one who exclaimed divorce now its all on me and she takes no responsibility for what actions and threats. I would constantly tell her things but never remembers like I have not filed yet because I have been a little preoccupied with other stuff going on and we still need to sell the house. She has no awareness that I am giving up so much even my dogs and the dog that favors me because I know she loves them so much and they are the only thing that is keeping her alive. thinking that she loves me and is not capable of cheating she downloads Tinder for an hour finds a couple of people and starts messaging them but when I was over at the house helping move some stuff for her etc we talk very casually about how ridiculous the apps are and never that either of us are pursuing other people, in a matter of days she claims she told me about this guy and has sex with him even though we still are married and has claimed her undying love for me. She feels no remorse and does not believe that it is cheating and that she has been totally honest which she has not.
Leading up to this a palm reader made a prediction the same one that she had 12 years ago about her life and one of the things she said that she would have to choose between old love and a new love but thats bull
PLEASE READ at this time because she just met the guy and there is no way that she can love him. I have tried to confront her about this and be vulnerable and express my feelings she gets angry and brushes me off.
There are so many things about this that make me so upset especially since I am so very much still in love with her, I have been sobbing for days and this goes completely against all the morals that I thought we both shared and her own dad cheated on her mom with many women which she resented him for. She does not know I know this I found out that she has spent hundreds of dollars and sexy lingerie and birth control for a guy she just met even though she would not have sex with me and would not let me get close to her. I also found out who the guy is who is way out of the age range she ever would go for along with what this guy seems to be about like religion which neither of us are religious, beards, vet who is probably pro gun which she is not. All around not even her type, just feels like she is trying to hurt me and cannot deal with being alone and deal with her own instabilities. She is still going to therapy but only has just recently started. The irony of all this is also that this guy is a mental health counselor.
I am a very empathetic, sympathetic kind person who still loves her even though she has hurt me time and time again and betrayed me. The person who I am and will not let go of tries to see the good in all people and I know the good side of my wife and I love her unconditionally and know that even though she does need to be held accountable for her actions she is not totally in control due to her BPD and I still want her but know right now I cannot or may not ever. She cannot comprehend what she has put m through and does not understand that we are still married and that she has cheated. I was finally feeling happy for the first time in my life and then this news dropped on me and I am devastated and dont know how I will cope doing something that she will never understand or I could ever explain to her. I hate who I am sometimes because I know I deserve better but she truly is the love of my life and I will never stop loving her and is making it even harder to walk away and that I know who she can be. I dont want her to suffer and care more about her safety more than my own and want nothing but the best for her. My mother in law and I are both reading the book walking on egg shells which has been enlightening but still does not make it easy to deal with. I am so fortunate to have such an amazing support system for the first time and my life. I cannot be mad at her and it sucks.
Would love any advice others may have and if I should try to reconnect with her down the road romantically since I can look past so much and have and will always love her. We both thought we are not just soul mates but twin flames. Sorry for such a lengthy story but I needed to try and put this out in words and hope it makes somewhat sense.
