I’m so tired

[Tired2024]

Hi, this is my first time doing anything like this, I’m sorry if I don’t do it correctly. My husband was diagnosed with BPD and participated in an IOP for 3 months, he felt like he got enough out of it and without it being any type of discussion he agreed to being discharged from the program. The program did not set him up (or he declined, I never know the real story) with a therapist or psychiatrist on discharge and now he is starting to spiral again. It started 3 weeks before his birthday which is always a trigger for him, he did great on his birthday and then let it all out after. He regained control the next day and apologized. His apologies just never ever feel sincere and I’m never allowed closure or to talk about how his behavior made me feel, it will start another fight. Now, my dad had planned by-pass surgery and he was great leading up to it, I kept checking in with him to make sure he wasn’t getting overwhelmed with providing me with support and then today, the first day after my dad’s surgery he flipped out in the hospital in the hallway, luckily out of ear shot from my dad, but fully in front of our daughter and to her at times, he ended up leaving and driving off speeding and taking quick turns as he went out of eyesight. I of course was getting texts his whole way home yelling at me, he called me a manipulative c**t because I told him my mom and dad were asking where he was, and told him he has to come in and say goodbye. They were actually asking for him. My parents live in our in law, he has been with me since I was 15 and he was 17, his family was awful and my parents truly love him, so they wanted to say bye if he was leaving. Now after an hour of him yelling at me and calling me names and accusing me of stuff, and me not being able to say anything without it being turned around on me, he’s trying to apologize by text, it’s always by text. He did this with my mom’s recent surgery around Thanksgiving and I later told him it was traumatizing for me, he threatened to have our car towed and texted our daughter to come get the car the morning after my moms surgery, I told him that I would never forgive him and there’d be no turning back if he did it with this.i can’t leave him, I can’t have him leave me, literally no one knows he’s like this and our families and lives are too intertwined and reliant on each other, plus I don’t want to lose my daughter, or make her feel like she has to choose. She has been dealing with anxiety and depression and recently took time off to go to a PHP, she did pretty good with it but now I don’t want to upset her more. Plus she is graduating this year, going to college, we have a big family trip planned, there’s just so much going on that adding a divorce into the mix would ruin everything. But I have no compassion for his side of things anymore, I hate him even though I love him. I’m scared of him. Im scared of the isolation. I’m just so tired of living like this. If my daughter wasn’t here and my parents I don’t think I would be anymore, there’s no way out. He gets so so so mad and mean and then wants it to just all be over and better because he texts a hey I’m sorry for hurting you, less than 10 mins after insulting me and ranting at me about how awful I am and how this is what I want and I never loved him and so much stuff. I would love help navigating how to get over knowing I can never leave this situation and how to deal with needing to get over it all so quickly and with no closure, he has no plans of changing so why apologize, it doesn’t mean anything and yet I have to accept it pretend it’s all fine and move on? I’m exhausted and burnt out. I’ll be taking care of my dad during his recovery so there so little time for me. I have no friends, no family who knows about anything, he’s so good at being perfect for everyone but me. I guess I don’t even know what I’m asking for here. I would love how to make my daughter feel better, but I’m a part of the argument and problem so I don’t know how to make it better. I apologize to her, she says it’s ok, but I know it’s not. I just want things to be good and happy and normal and calm in my life. I’m so sorry, if someone has to read this and I’m so sorry if someone chooses to read this and feels negatively about it. I hope you are well and happy  and safe. Thank you.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Jabiru]

Hi and welcome It sounds like a lot on your plate. To start, what boundaries do you have with your BPD husband to protect yourself? What additional boundaries would help protect you? When creating boundaries, it's best to start small and get used to it for yourself and the pwBPD then to work your way up. A boundary I have with my uBPD wife is against talking bad about each other or our family or friends. If she starts to insult me, I calmly remind her of the boundary. If she continues, I say I need an hour to calm down and simply exit the room.

Also, check out the Tips menu at the top of the page and the book Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist.

[Tired2024]

Thank you so much for responding. As far as boundaries go they have all kind of fallen away. I was working with a therapist for almost 2 years but my therapist kept trying to get me to divorce him and that’s just not an option. During that time I was able to set my own boundaries where I would just disengage. There just seems to be no boundaries that he respects. He gets so mad and just starts spinning words and intentions and will jump to him being a “monster”, he also uses things he’s recently done for me like somehow the negative stuff shouldn’t matter. I pretend like I am ok because I have to be but I don’t think I am. Our daughter goes to college in the fall and I’m so afraid if she’s not here then he will escalate, but she’s also the only reason I’ve stayed because I’ve always been afraid that if I wasn’t the buffer she’d get the brunt. I have no idea what I’m doing. I like the boundary you were able to set with your wife. Unfortunately, he follows me or will text me non-stop, when I’ve left the house he has threatened to come find me. Today he left me at stop and shop after throwing the list out the window into the other parking isle, he did come back for me but only after coming in and whispering something really really mean from behind me into my ear and then leaving. I’ve tried to talk to other therapists to try boundary setting again but they all just make the judgement that I need to set up a safety plan and leave, they won’t take that it’s not an option as a truth that I need to find a way around, not through. Even if I did try to leave, I know my life wouldn’t be mine anymore, he has 22 years of incriminating (sex) hard evidence against me, plus he would make up or twist everything, he even convinced me I was a bitch for years and that no one truly loved me or liked me. I will absolutely check out those resources. I just feel so hopeless and pathetic. Thank you again. I’m sorry to unload again.

[kells76]

Hi Tired2024, you do sound tired. Like Jabiru said, you have a lot on your plate right now.

I can see how if you thought coming up with a safety plan required you to leave/divorce him, you wouldn't want to do that. It would feel frustrating talking with professionals who don't seem to hear where you're coming from or who don't seem able to work with your goals. Nobody wants to feel judged in therapy.

...

Boundary-setting is about us making rules for ourselves (not for other people) about what we're OK with letting in our lives. It makes sense to me that your H does not "respect" your boundaries -- after all, when you have rules to protect yourself, a person with a serious mental illness like BPD won't like them.

Fortunately, true boundaries don't require anyone else to cooperate, agree, or like them.

A misconception about boundaries is that they're about making other people do or not do stuff. An example of "not a real boundary" would be:

"You can't keep texting me non-stop!"

That is a desire or wish or request, not a boundary.

A real boundary might look like you deciding inside of yourself:

"When I receive nonstop texts from any number, I turn my phone off [or block the number, or put my phone on silent, or don't check for at least 1 hour, or don't respond]".

Those choices are 100% under your control.

...

It makes sense that you might feel scared about making rules for yourself about what you're OK with, and then respecting your own rules. Your H sounds volatile. I wonder if just listening to a DV counselor -- without agreeing to do anything they suggest -- could give you some ideas. The toll free # in the USA is 800-799-7233. It also works if you text START to 88788.

As weird as it sounds, what if you contacted them, described your situation, listened to their feedback, and then told them: "I'm not ready to do those suggestions yet"? It might be a good opportunity to practice standing up for yourself. You can always hang up on them! Same with the crisis line (text 741741). You're in control of those phone interactions.

...

Fill us in on how the last few days have gone, whenever works best for you;

kells76