Feel So manipulated and sad and betrayed

[Defeatedandblue]

Hi
I am currently going through the grieving process of a bpd breakup and it feels very lonely as well as confusing. I’m a 53 year old smart, pretty, kind, woman... however,, my life force, and beautiful vivacious personality and light has been sucked out of me by someone else,, and just the fact that I LET them,, is what I’m baffled about! I’m still enmeshed but now with what feels like the enemy. I was taken advantage of and lied to and manipulated and I’m amazed at how smart this person was and how deceitful and that evil like that is walking around on this earth and preying on innocent victims. It breaks my heart and I’m in a trance or dizzy head space! Feels like I’ve been hypnotized! He was so charming and charismatic and fun (and sexy gorgeous smart ). I really believed most of what he told me because it just seemed so genuine! I guarded myself and was resistant at first because something didn’t seem quite right,, but as soon as I let go and fell under his charms (spell!!?!), he became someone different. Had all dsm charactersisics of borderline, as well as with comorbidities of narcissism and grazing on others. But just Complicated! Never seemed at peace for long. Heartbreaking and I could see the pain behind it so I was patient and loving and I stayed and tolerated the completely irrational thoughts and WORDS that came out of his mouth. He believed his thoughts to be fact. It’s amazing to see this or go through something like this when you know what someone says is so untrue (Especially when it said about you!) it’s one of the strangest uncomfortable things I’ve ever been through much less tolerated! I had been single for about six years and fine with being alone,,, now,,I feel lonely and bored and sad. I guess I was adjusting to all the chaos and excitement. Seems like it would be exhausting to be him.! He’s gorgeous and smart and funny and well amazing lover. I miss him! Although I know in my rational brain it wasn’t “him” that was all a faćade! A lie. It feels terrible. I feel so violated I’ve been duped. I’m trying to be kind to myself but just the fact that I gave someone so unworthy of my time ,,.my love and time! Aggravated. Every single negative emotion I could name I have been feeling! Ashamed and upset with myself that I could even think I miss him but I do. My space feels incomplete and quiet. He took over my mind I swear I’m in a fog of sadness! I can sense eventually I will come out of it but I will always have a huge scar in my heart and be weary of others, and intentions, and of being taken advantage of and thinking everyone’s sneaky and dishonest. It’s amazing to me and I’m in shock that I fell for all this! I’m mad. What do I do with all this! Being taken advantage of is just one of the worst feelings I’ve felt, and the lies and betrayal,, it’s just too much to process or own

[kells76]

Hello Defeatedandblue and

Really glad you found us, though I'm sorry that what brought you here was pain and loss  There's so much to process after the end of a relationship with a pwBPD (person with BPD), and it sounds like you are having some insights about the core challenges:

just the fact that I LET them,, is what I’m baffled about!

now,,I feel lonely and bored and sad. I guess I was adjusting to all the chaos and excitement.

I feel so violated I’ve been duped. I’m trying to be kind to myself but just the fact that I gave someone so unworthy of my time ,,.my love and time! Aggravated. Every single negative emotion I could name I have been feeling! Ashamed and upset with myself that I could even think I miss him but I do. My space feels incomplete and quiet.

It makes sense that you grieve the good parts of the relationship, while also processing a lot of confusion, and trying to recognize the part you played in everything.

It's good that you're able to identify what you're feeling -- the violation, shame, loneliness, boredom, sadness, and negativity, and it's also good that you can kind of separate out his contributions to the relationship (neediness, dishonesty, PD type traits and behaviors) from your contributions to the relationship (understanding why you chose to partner with him).

Do you have a therapist or counselor right now, to support you and walk with you through this time? It can be so helpful when a BPD relationship is in the mix. Like you said -- confusion, "dizziness", feeling under the thrall of a partner, can mess with your sense of reality, and a neutral, supportive third party can be like a lighthouse.

...

Not sure if I caught who initiated the breakup?

[Kashi]

I can relate to what you are saying.

It's drastic and so painful.

Did you ever think that is exactly what they feel. 

It's mother load of projections, until you feel the same way as they do.

My person said to me they are ugly, not worthy of me and unlovable.

I did everything to make them feel beautiful. worthy and loved.

If they said one truth to me, that is it.  They are not lovable. worthy or beautiful.

I don't say that with hate.  I feel everyone deserves love.  Or did.  I believed that.

They told you the truth if they said that.

We didn't believe it.   

[GlennT]

If it helps, you do not even have to even meet these damaged souls in reality to see and feel their cycles of love bombing, devaluation, and discard cycles. In fact, you can sit behind your computer screen during the entire relationship with them and not say even one word to them, and they will do this to you, and then complain they are the victim and faultless, without ever even meeting you.

[GlennT]

If it helps, you do not even have to even meet these damaged souls in reality to see and feel them go through their cycles of love bombing, devaluation, and discard, when you reciprocate from your screen. In fact, you can sit behind your computer screen during the entire relationship with them and not say even one word to them, and they will STILL do this cycle and then complain they are the victim and faultless, without ever even meeting you.

[GlennT]

I actually took some of them through the entire idealization, devalue, and discard cycle online, without even saying one word to them on the phone or text message. Smh. Lol!

[once removed]

hi DAB, i want to join the others in welcoming you to the family  

what was the breakup about? how recent?

[Benji]

HI DAB,

I felt like I was reading something I had written.... except that I am still trying to remove myself from the relationship.

Take care and be kind to you.

Regards
Benji