Blame Shifting

[Turkish]

I last had the kids Friday. Today is a switch day, whereafter is won't get them back until Monday.

Mommy texted me this morning to say that D11 (almost 12) slapped S14 last night. He didn't want to walk her home from school so I picked her up. I don't blame him. In the morning text, their mom asked me to ask D11 if something happened at school, the implication being that D11 was upset due to issues at school.

I asked D11 today and she told me, still upset, that mommy decided to take them out to dinner despite D11 asking to go home to have enough time to do her homework. They got home at 830, only half an hour to do homework then bath then bedtime. Pick up is before 6PM. That was why she was upset. No excuse for slapping her brother, when he told me that he didn't observed that his sister was upset (Aspie brother?). I told him that was no excuse for her to slap him, but also not to needle her.

D11 has communicated that she has trouble concentrating in school, though being an A student, and a table leader for math.

This isn't a crisis at all, but I still wonder at her obliviousness to talk to her daughter. It only took me a 5 minute car ride home to draw it out. Mommy texted me later to say that at least D11 apologized to her (not brother).

I like to think I'm "up" on this, but I was an only child. I try not to take sides. The kids are ok tonight.

[kells76]

That kind of stuff -- the obliviousness to the kids' needs -- doesn't stop being hard to hear.

I have an older sister and a younger sister. I think a lot of our nastiness to each other was because we knew at some level that we couldn't be angry with Mom, so we took it out on each other (weren't really taught other skills for managing/expressing feelings).

Do you think D11 could (at least "on paper") agree that if she's angry at Mommy, then be angry at Mommy -- don't pin it on someone else just to "get it out". And obviously hitting Mommy isn't ok either -- what skills can she use to express frustration (write a letter for later, etc)?

Just wondering if D11 is open to skill building or learning new options for that kind of situation, where she actually did try to "do the right thing" at first (told Mommy what she needed) and that didn't help, so the frustration grew.

Would you trying to talk with their mom just be drawing you in to what needs to be solved between them over there?

Wish this kind of stuff ended!

[Turkish]

I'll have them all next week and I'll talk to D about it, good idea. Mommy checked in with my by text last night and I told her what D said. No response...

[Turkish]

I'm not going to bring it up with their mom, as her dad is back in the hospital. I might watch the kids this weekend.

This morning before we left for school, I told the kids to stage in the living room. "Face each other! Bow. Face me! Bow. Fight!" I said, " OK now, hug!" S14 was willing to, D11 backed away. I told them to come here, i was going to transfer the hug through me with each on either arm.  They hugged me and did a little play tapping at each other's faces. D apologized to brother. She said he did but didn't mean it. In told her, "he just did," which he did. Sent them off to school OK and they were OK tonight when their mom picked her up from my home (I went to see her science fair so picked her up early).

[Notwendy]

I asked D11 today and she told me, still upset, that mommy decided to take them out to dinner despite D11 asking to go home to have enough time to do her homework. They got home at 830, only half an hour to do homework then bath then bedtime. Pick up is before 6PM. That was why she was upset.

D11 has communicated that she has trouble concentrating in school, though being an A student, and a table leader for math.

This isn't a crisis at all, but I still wonder at her obliviousness to talk to her daughter.  The kids are ok tonight.

I wrote another reply to the "not concentrating" in school aspect.

We went out to dinner a lot- us kids and Dad.  I know now it's because of BPD mother's behavior- to get us out of the house. It's also hard to do homework in this situation.

She shouldn't slap her sibling but also- siblings pick on each other. Some of that is normal but I also would intervene- I think you did well with that- have her apologize and hopefully it won't happen again.

It's possible her mother isn't in tune with her childrens' feelings. My BPD mother is overwhelmed with her own feelings and also she projects them. But you are aware and the kids have you. That is good for them.