My ex g/f with BPD: Need to Vent

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

It's been coming up to 2 months since my g/f and I broke up.  It is hard to pin point exactly because our break up was more of a process than a single point in time.  In any case, the last day we were fully "together" was January 19th, so I'll say it is nearly 2 months.

I have had much time to reflect on my recent relationship.  Also, I've taken some time to read others' postings about their own relationships, or in this case, recent / former relationships.  All of these stories were touching, and in many cases, very sad.  I can often see the BPD partner in these stories, and relate to them in my own story.

Technically our break-up was mutual.  My ex has told me since (yes, we've had some communcation since our breakup) that the relationship wasn't working for her, either.  But she has also told me that she never wanted this breakup.  It is very hard to really know what she truly wants.

Looking back, and reflecting, I didn't really break up with my ex because of BPD per se ... even though I am convinced she has it.

I broke up with primarily because we couldn't talk.  We could certainly talk about the weather, and about what was for dinner, and what movie we wanted to see.  And we could talk about other mutual friends.  That type of thing.

But my trying to talk to her about anything with any substance resulted in a huge argument, and often with her storming out of the house and then us ignoring each other for 3 days.

The "proto-typical" example I use is we were invited to a dinner party this one time, which we attended. 

As it so happens, an ex girlfriend of mine was there, but I did not share with this intially with my ex partner.  Afterwards, I thought - this didn't feel right.  It felt like I was hiding something with my ex, and I really wanted to be truthful and authentic in this relationship.  It was important to me.

And so, a few days later, we were sitting down together, and I told her just that.  That I had dated this person for about 2 months - 6 years ago - and it was now ancient history and she is a lovely girl but it is long past.

This resulted in a 2 hour, circular, irrational, and completely non-sensical ramble about how miserable her life has been and if only I had known the misery she had been through, I would feel very differently about her.  This made no sense to me at all and seemed completely off topic, but nevertheless I listened.  I tried several times to cut in, but there she was not having any of that.  After about 2 hours of this circular going-nowhere train, she stormed out of my house and we didn't talk for 3 days.  All because I wanted to tell her I occasionally socialized with someone, in a group setting, I had briefly dated 6 years ago.

As it so happens, we were in Couples' therapy.  In our next session a few days later, I brought this example up.  I said that I was not exactly thrilled with how our conversation went.  Once again, this sent my ex into a complete tizzy of a tailspin, and told the therapist she didn't know why I was bringing this up, this made no sense, and that she felt completely betrayed.  At the end of the session she wouldn't talk to me, and it took a fair amount of "pleading" on my part to get her to even get back in the car with me - she was going to Uber it home.  In hindsight, I should have just let her do that.

There are many other examples with very similiar outcomes.  I try and bring something up that I feel is important to me, something I feel I would like to share because it is "authentic" ... and it ends on absolutely horrid terms with us not talking for 2 or 3 days and really no clear resolution.

I finally came to the conclusion that ... if I can't talk to her about someone we are to encounter that was briefly in my past ... or my setting a boundary of some sort (e.g. how often we see each other, how often we talk on the phone, that type of thing) ... without a huge nuclear explosion so to speak, how am I possibly going to talk about things in life which are truly meaningful and dear to me?  I would have loved to share a few details about my marriage of many years past - and some things I am not necessarily proud of.  But some of these details are intensely private ... and I have not been able to bring myself to trust her enough to get anywhere close to sharing some of these events.

In truth - I miss my Ex.  I feel sad for her, too.  She does have many caring and lovely qualities, I suppose.  But I've also come to realize that being able to be authentic in my relationship is a super, super important thing I am looking for ... and it was virtually impossible to do this in this relationship.

I came to the realization that talking with my Ex was bringing us further apart.  This is exactly the opposite of what I want.  I want to be authentic.  I want to be vulnerable.  I want us to talk about things which are dear to us, and which bring us closer together.  I wanted us to talk ... and have those conversations bring in closer together.  But in truth, every time we talked, we grew further apart.

I don't expect complete emotional safety when bringing up a sensitive topic with a partner.  But I do need, very much, *relative* safety in bringing up a sensitive topic.

And so, this is where I am.  I have found some peace by reflecting on these recent events and what I really need in a relationship.  But I won't lie in that my partner did have a soft side, at times, and I miss that soft side very much some days.

[northerndude1]

It's been coming up to 2 months since my g/f and I broke up.  It is hard to pin point exactly because our break up was more of a process than a single point in time.  In any case, the last day we were fully "together" was January 19th, so I'll say it is nearly 2 months.

I have had much time to reflect on my recent relationship.  Also, I've taken some time to read others' postings about their own relationships, or in this case, recent / former relationships.  All of these stories were touching, and in many cases, very sad.  I can often see the BPD partner in these stories, and relate to them in my own story.

Technically our break-up was mutual.  My ex has told me since (yes, we've had some communcation since our breakup) that the relationship wasn't working for her, either.  But she has also told me that she never wanted this breakup.  It is very hard to really know what she truly wants.

Looking back, and reflecting, I didn't really break up with my ex because of BPD per se ... even though I am convinced she has it.

I broke up with primarily because we couldn't talk.  We could certainly talk about the weather, and about what was for dinner, and what movie we wanted to see.  And we could talk about other mutual friends.  That type of thing.

But my trying to talk to her about anything with any substance resulted in a huge argument, and often with her storming out of the house and then us ignoring each other for 3 days.

The "proto-typical" example I use is we were invited to a dinner party this one time, which we attended. 

As it so happens, an ex girlfriend of mine was there, but I did not share with this intially with my ex partner.  Afterwards, I thought - this didn't feel right.  It felt like I was hiding something with my ex, and I really wanted to be truthful and authentic in this relationship.  It was important to me.

And so, a few days later, we were sitting down together, and I told her just that.  That I had dated this person for about 2 months - 6 years ago - and it was now ancient history and she is a lovely girl but it is long past.

This resulted in a 2 hour, circular, irrational, and completely non-sensical ramble about how miserable her life has been and if only I had known the misery she had been through, I would feel very differently about her.  This made no sense to me at all and seemed completely off topic, but nevertheless I listened.  I tried several times to cut in, but there she was not having any of that.  After about 2 hours of this circular going-nowhere train, she stormed out of my house and we didn't talk for 3 days.  All because I wanted to tell her I occasionally socialized with someone, in a group setting, I had briefly dated 6 years ago.

As it so happens, we were in Couples' therapy.  In our next session a few days later, I brought this example up.  I said that I was not exactly thrilled with how our conversation went.  Once again, this sent my ex into a complete tizzy of a tailspin, and told the therapist she didn't know why I was bringing this up, this made no sense, and that she felt completely betrayed.  At the end of the session she wouldn't talk to me, and it took a fair amount of "pleading" on my part to get her to even get back in the car with me - she was going to Uber it home.  In hindsight, I should have just let her do that.

There are many other examples with very similiar outcomes.  I try and bring something up that I feel is important to me, something I feel I would like to share because it is "authentic" ... and it ends on absolutely horrid terms with us not talking for 2 or 3 days and really no clear resolution.

I finally came to the conclusion that ... if I can't talk to her about someone we are to encounter that was briefly in my past ... or my setting a boundary of some sort (e.g. how often we see each other, how often we talk on the phone, that type of thing) ... without a huge nuclear explosion so to speak, how am I possibly going to talk about things in life which are truly meaningful and dear to me?  I would have loved to share a few details about my marriage of many years past - and some things I am not necessarily proud of.  But some of these details are intensely private ... and I have not been able to bring myself to trust her enough to get anywhere close to sharing some of these events.

In truth - I miss my Ex.  I feel sad for her, too.  She does have many caring and lovely qualities, I suppose.  But I've also come to realize that being able to be authentic in my relationship is a super, super important thing I am looking for ... and it was virtually impossible to do this in this relationship.

I came to the realization that talking with my Ex was bringing us further apart.  This is exactly the opposite of what I want.  I want to be authentic.  I want to be vulnerable.  I want us to talk about things which are dear to us, and which bring us closer together.  I wanted us to talk ... and have those conversations bring in closer together.  But in truth, every time we talked, we grew further apart.

I don't expect complete emotional safety when bringing up a sensitive topic with a partner.  But I do need, very much, *relative* safety in bringing up a sensitive topic.

And so, this is where I am.  I have found some peace by reflecting on these recent events and what I really need in a relationship.  But I won't lie in that my partner did have a soft side, at times, and I miss that soft side very much some days.

[EyesUp]

Dude,

It sounds like you've been in couples' therapy for a while.  Do you ever speak with the T 1:1, i.e., without your gf?  I'm wondering what the T has to say about that last session.

Do you feel like there have been any productive sessions, or signs that your gf is participating in a productive way, meaning she's sharing her needs and also listening and acknowledging yours?

[SinisterComplex]

It's been coming up to 2 months since my g/f and I broke up.  It is hard to pin point exactly because our break up was more of a process than a single point in time.  In any case, the last day we were fully "together" was January 19th, so I'll say it is nearly 2 months.

I have had much time to reflect on my recent relationship.  Also, I've taken some time to read others' postings about their own relationships, or in this case, recent / former relationships.  All of these stories were touching, and in many cases, very sad.  I can often see the BPD partner in these stories, and relate to them in my own story.

Technically our break-up was mutual.  My ex has told me since (yes, we've had some communcation since our breakup) that the relationship wasn't working for her, either.  But she has also told me that she never wanted this breakup.  It is very hard to really know what she truly wants.

Looking back, and reflecting, I didn't really break up with my ex because of BPD per se ... even though I am convinced she has it.

I broke up with primarily because we couldn't talk.  We could certainly talk about the weather, and about what was for dinner, and what movie we wanted to see.  And we could talk about other mutual friends.  That type of thing.

But my trying to talk to her about anything with any substance resulted in a huge argument, and often with her storming out of the house and then us ignoring each other for 3 days.

The "proto-typical" example I use is we were invited to a dinner party this one time, which we attended.  

As it so happens, an ex girlfriend of mine was there, but I did not share with this intially with my ex partner.  Afterwards, I thought - this didn't feel right.  It felt like I was hiding something with my ex, and I really wanted to be truthful and authentic in this relationship.  It was important to me.

And so, a few days later, we were sitting down together, and I told her just that.  That I had dated this person for about 2 months - 6 years ago - and it was now ancient history and she is a lovely girl but it is long past.

This resulted in a 2 hour, circular, irrational, and completely non-sensical ramble about how miserable her life has been and if only I had known the misery she had been through, I would feel very differently about her.  This made no sense to me at all and seemed completely off topic, but nevertheless I listened.  I tried several times to cut in, but there she was not having any of that.  After about 2 hours of this circular going-nowhere train, she stormed out of my house and we didn't talk for 3 days.  All because I wanted to tell her I occasionally socialized with someone, in a group setting, I had briefly dated 6 years ago.

As it so happens, we were in Couples' therapy.  In our next session a few days later, I brought this example up.  I said that I was not exactly thrilled with how our conversation went.  Once again, this sent my ex into a complete tizzy of a tailspin, and told the therapist she didn't know why I was bringing this up, this made no sense, and that she felt completely betrayed.  At the end of the session she wouldn't talk to me, and it took a fair amount of "pleading" on my part to get her to even get back in the car with me - she was going to Uber it home.  In hindsight, I should have just let her do that.

There are many other examples with very similiar outcomes.  I try and bring something up that I feel is important to me, something I feel I would like to share because it is "authentic" ... and it ends on absolutely horrid terms with us not talking for 2 or 3 days and really no clear resolution.

I finally came to the conclusion that ... if I can't talk to her about someone we are to encounter that was briefly in my past ... or my setting a boundary of some sort (e.g. how often we see each other, how often we talk on the phone, that type of thing) ... without a huge nuclear explosion so to speak, how am I possibly going to talk about things in life which are truly meaningful and dear to me?  I would have loved to share a few details about my marriage of many years past - and some things I am not necessarily proud of.  But some of these details are intensely private ... and I have not been able to bring myself to trust her enough to get anywhere close to sharing some of these events.

In truth - I miss my Ex.  I feel sad for her, too.  She does have many caring and lovely qualities, I suppose.  But I've also come to realize that being able to be authentic in my relationship is a super, super important thing I am looking for ... and it was virtually impossible to do this in this relationship.

I came to the realization that talking with my Ex was bringing us further apart.  This is exactly the opposite of what I want.  I want to be authentic.  I want to be vulnerable.  I want us to talk about things which are dear to us, and which bring us closer together.  I wanted us to talk ... and have those conversations bring in closer together.  But in truth, every time we talked, we grew further apart.

I don't expect complete emotional safety when bringing up a sensitive topic with a partner.  But I do need, very much, *relative* safety in bringing up a sensitive topic.

And so, this is where I am.  I have found some peace by reflecting on these recent events and what I really need in a relationship.  But I won't lie in that my partner did have a soft side, at times, and I miss that soft side very much some days.

I keep hearing what you want. That is fair and your expectation I find to be reasonable, but what you want would never happen with that partner. This is called the red flags coming up and being thrown right at you. Consequently the red flags are deal breakers for you...do not relent on that. If a partner cannot provide you with a vital relationship need than it is not the relationship for you. Since you are not married you have no responsibility beyond looking out for your own feelings and what you want in your next partner.

It is ok to miss her. Just be careful do not let yourself sensationalize the image of who she was and let it blur with the what is.

Keep on venting and grieve my friend. We got you.

Keep your head up and please be kind to you and take care of yourself.

Cheers and Best Wishes!

-SC-

[once removed]

This resulted in a 2 hour, circular, irrational, and completely non-sensical ramble about how miserable her life has been and if only I had known the misery she had been through, I would feel very differently about her.  This made no sense to me at all and seemed completely off topic, but nevertheless I listened.  I tried several times to cut in, but there she was not having any of that.  After about 2 hours of this circular going-nowhere train, she stormed out of my house and we didn't talk for 3 days.  All because I wanted to tell her I occasionally socialized with someone, in a group setting, I had briefly dated 6 years ago.

oof. yeah  it can be exhausting.

I finally came to the conclusion that ... if I can't talk to her about someone we are to encounter that was briefly in my past ... or my setting a boundary of some sort (e.g. how often we see each other, how often we talk on the phone, that type of thing) ... without a huge nuclear explosion so to speak, how am I possibly going to talk about things in life which are truly meaningful and dear to me? 
...
In truth - I miss my Ex.

my relationship taught me that two people can love each other very much, and try as hard as theyre able, and that not be enough to sustain the relationship. and i think that you can reach that realization in both heart and mind, and it still doesnt take away the love you have for them, or make the loss any easier.

you made a hard, and it sounds like, necessary choice. universally speaking, grief still sucks. but it gets better. hang in there.

[northerndude1]

@EyesUp, @SC, and @Once,

Thanks so much for your comments. 

@EyesUp,
Yes I do see an Individual Therapist from time to time and I have had a chance to process this relationship with her help.  It's been great.  My Ex & I are no longer in Couples' as the relationship is now over, as I was eluding to.  But I still process it with my Individual therapist.

@SC,
Thanks so much for your words of encouragement.  I'm trying to practice self care and keep my head up ... some days more successfully than others.  I fully hear and agree with your comment about my needs not being met and being a deal breaker for me.  In past relationships, I was not always great at being true to what I really needed.  I'm trying to do different this time...

@Once
100% agree that you can love someone even if they are not the right fit  and/or they are not meeting your needs.  1000% agree, actually.  My Ex, I can say with high confidence, does not see it this way.  I'm quite sure that she feels that since I was the one who essentially initiated the break up, I have no feelings for her at all.  That is not true (on the contrary...) ... and of course I don't want to put words in her mouth here, but I do believe that is how she feels based on some things she has told me.  Nevertheless I am sticking to my guns here...

Thank you for your supportive and helpful comments, always so appreciated to hear...