lost

[Betsy123]

Sorry to be a downer, but feeling desperate. Spending a few days out of the house to let my daughter have some space ,to calm. I feel the same over whelm that I felt when I was 14 running the family home and I am now 68! I see no resolution for the situation ,and feel totally lost.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[kells76]

Hi Betsey123, welcome to the forum 

No apologies needed about feeling desperate. I was one of those desperate members, too, when I joined (to get support for coping with my H's kids' mom, who has many BPD traits).

Taking space for yourself, so everyone can calm down, makes sense. There must be some deeply overwhelming things going on to feel like there's no resolution.

What would you say is the biggest challenge facing your family right now?

[CC43]

Hi Betsy,

Most people who post on these boards feel desperate, so you're not alone.  BPD can wreak havoc on families, and especially on the relationship between a parent and child.  Is she lashing out at you in fits of rage and blaming you for all her own poor choices?  Is she accusing you of being narcissistic, a bully, judgmental, mean, uncaring, needy, demanding or manipulative?  Are those words more descriptive of her behavior rather than yours?  Does she have trouble getting past the past?  Is she twisting facts to make herself out to be a victim?  Is she self-destructive or self-sabotaging?  There are many posts on this site describing these types of behaviors.  Even if we understand the behaviors, it still hurts to bear the brunt of them.  It hurts even more to grieve the absence of a loving relationship.  And it hurts to see our loved ones struggle so much.

You're probably wise to let your daughter have some time to calm down.  My stepdaughter is diagnosed with BPD, and she often has periods of separation from her family, typically in moments of stress--even if she can't properly identify the source of the stress (according to her explanations of why she's aggrieved).  I call these times her "adult time outs."  There's just no use trying to talk sensibly with her when she is dysregulated, all emotion and rage, and when the logical part of her brain shuts down.

I hope you can take some time during her "adult time out" to focus on self-care, so that you too can remain calm when she re-engages with you.  You are entering your golden years and deserve to focus on you now.