18 year old daughter has said she needs ‘space’ and won’t communicate

[Amoverthis]

Hi all, I’d love to have some feedback. My situation is quite complicated and full of pain and sorrow. I was in an abusive marriage for almost 25 years. My ex husband walked out on my then 16 year old daughter and I almost two years ago. He had been having affairs, has addictions, etc. My mother is highly Narcissistic and I am the family scapegoat so have no family left thanks to the smear campaign. When he left I tried to contact my family after 4 years of NC. Eventually my mother let my daughter and I in. What I wasn’t counting on was that this was a temporary move where I was concerned.

A few months later my mother strategically kicked me out of the family and told my 16 year old BPD daughter that she was welcome in the family and I wasn’t. She then did the ultimate and got my ex husband into the family instead of me. They buy each other birthday gifts and have meals together etc. Together, my ex husband and mother attempted to turn my daughter against me which lasted around a year. She made false accusations about me. During this time my ex husband was becoming increasingly volatile with her and in the end Church Youth leaders involved police. She eventually stopped living with him a year ago but refused to live with me either. She has been up and down with my family and has had a lot of issues with them. She won’t quite break the contact.

Last year she didn’t cut me off at all and hardly saw her Dad or my family. This year I had an issue with an ex friend who became my daughter’s tutor in 2022 but is no longer. She has formed a really inappropriate relationship with my daughter involving intense levels of contact and gift buying etc. I finally raised the issue with this ex friend and at first she tried to deny it, then attacked me down the phone with all sorts of allegations against me.. I regrettably expressed to my daughter that I was very upset by it all. We did have a good conversation on the phone two weeks ago about general topics but now she has cut me off and said she wants space. She has pulled out of 4 tertiary courses in the last year and is not working. She’s on the benefit and will be 19 in August. Despite her father’s abuse she always takes him back and seems trauma bonded to him.

I can’t handle this level of rejection and chaos. I have some good friends but many of them have their own lives. My daughter is the only family I have left. There is no end date to her needing ‘space’. I told her I’d keep in touch but she has said no.

I’m tired of hearing about everyone else’s families and belonging while I am left with all this pain and misery.

I’m frightened my daughter will drag this ‘space’ on indefinitely.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sancho]

Hi Amoverthis
You really have been through the mill for a long period of time now. Your post took me back to an earlier time in my journey with bpd. I think I was pretty simplistic in the way I thought in that I didn’t understand how other family members, friends all get involved in the chaos of it all, and in the end I end up being the scapegoat.

One memorable example was the time DD and he partner at the time – both living here – were really fighting and DD asked me to call the police. By the time the police got here they were both yelling at me and had reconciled.

The next time it happened when DD asked me to call the police, I replied ‘You need to do that yourself’ – and so it was and BF was taken away.

I came to the realization that have a relationship with dd or any of those involved in her life I had to step back, say very little, focus on my priority ie dd’s safety and not engage in ANY conversation about anyone involved.

It is hard to move to this point from the usual parent – child relationship, but when dealing with BPD (and there are others in your circle who have real mental health issues by the sound of it) the ‘normal’ way of doing things doesn’t seem to work – and can in fact escalate things.

You mention your dd has kept in contact with family members – ‘She won’t quite break the contact’ I think you said. I think this could be true in relation to you.

Your dd seems to be wanting family support and I am sure she wants yours, but she also wants to be in control of things.

Perhaps if you leave it a short while then just text about something trivial or funny? I hope there is contact very soon and in the meantime perhaps use the space to nurture yourself – after so many years of turmoil, you are certainly entitled to it!

[Amoverthis]

Hi Sancho,
Thank you so very much for your kind and caring reply. I felt so soothed just reading it. Yes I have been through the mill for a very long time that’s for sure. It just seems never ending. Like…. Why me? Why is this continuous chaos happening to me? I’m out of the abusive marriage and yet I’m still being abused due to my daughter’s involvement with these people I need to leave in my past.

I found it very comforting to read you say that my daughter won’t quite break the contact with my family…. And therefore there is a good chance she won’t do it with me either. She does need me very much but you’re absolutely right she needs to be in control.

It most certainly is astounding how many people get involved in the chaos of it all. I just want a peaceful life without being constantly drawn into all of this rubbish.

Most definitely while she remains silent, I will take some time to nurture myself. At least I’m not having to listen to all the chaos that surrounds her while she is not speaking to me.

Yes there are other people in this scenario with severe mental health issues so when you combine them all it is a huge big inflammatory mess.

I think you are wise to say to leave my daughter for a bit and then reach out with something lighthearted.

BPDs love chaos and drama as shown in your situation with police being called and the subsequent unfolding etc.

Thank you once again and take care. This is a wonderful forum