My Feelings Are All Over The Place

[jkl7]

Hi all,

I don't know where to begin or how to keep this succinct, but I'll try my best -- I've posted on here before but created a new account with a new username for privacy reasons.

I've been attempting to navigate the very difficult balance of supporting my ex with BPD over the past 5 months while also trying to heal myself. Today, I'm just feeling very much at a loss and figured I'd post on here again with the hopes of being heard and/or getting some advice/feedback/support. I'm feeling so many complicated emotions right now, but the hardest one that I can't seem to shake is this excessive worry for my ex.

The short of it is, he broke up with me last summer, I dealt with that head on and it hurt... a lot. And then he wanted to get back together but by then the damage was done and I refused. He was diagnosed with BPD at the top of last year and has been working hard on trying to heal via therapy. Knowing just how hard of a time he was having, and knowing he didn't have a robust support system in place, I've decided to remain friends with him, supporting him through his journey while also enforcing boundaries with him to protect mine.

All that to say, things very much hit the fan in October -- he called me out of the blue one morning, drunk, crying, and suicidal. I helped him deal with that while his dad hopped on the first flight he could to come and get him. My ex had past issues with alcohol addiction, has done rehab, and was relapsing so badly. He was in a very bad place when I went to comfort him while we waited for his dad that day and it was so difficult for me to see another person experiencing the lowest of lows.

His dad moved him out of his apartment that weekend and took him in. They hit the ground running and my ex got in with a new psychologist, a therapist, and got waitlisted for a DBT group. He seemed to be doing quite well up until his dad decided to leave for a couple of months at the top of this year (he owns a house in a resort town so he goes back and forth a lot). When this happened, my ex told me he felt like his dad abandoned him. He was so lonely being on his own and has expressed that to me so many times since then. There were a few times during this period where I had to enforce strict boundaries and get kind of aggressive with him -- he would all of a sudden just get so pushy with getting back with me, all very suddenly and irrationally. Despite that, he was actually doing quite well. He was still sticking with his DBT program, seeing his therapist regularly, and actually starting to work again. He also set weekly hangouts with his sister and nephews, and really seemed to be making what I considered very rapid improvement. There were days where he genuinely seemed to feel very proud of himself. He was also making friends in his local gym community and told me how it was feeling good to feel valued by those people because they seemed to really like him.

Well, over the past week, he's been very depressed. He's expressed to me how he feels lost and worthless so I picked up on the obvious that he's dealing with a setback on his healing journey. That worries me because it's tough to hear how alone he feels, but I was feeling confident that he'd quickly swing back and that this was just a part of the healing process. That took a turn for the worst today when I got a sudden call from him (we haven't talked on the phone since he called me when he was suicidal). My heart sank and I immediately knew it would be bad news. Welp... again, he was crying and I'm fairly confident he was drunk. He told me that he called his dad because he was going back to rehab. He was calling me because his dad declined taking care of our dog while he's away. In that conversation, he revealed to me that he's been drinking every day since the start of the year while managing to juggle that with all of the other things he had been doing. So despite the improvements and progress, he was drinking nearly the entire time.

I spoke to his dad afterwards who is rightfully pissed and feels like his trust has been completely violated. His dad isn't very good at communicating on an emotional level so he told me some of the things he told my ex and I just feel bad because I know they likely made my ex feel even more shame and loneliness.

The logical part of my brain understands that this is HIS journey and he needs to learn, heal, and grow on his own. This is a part of that process. The emotional part of my brain just feels completely all over the place. But, more than anything, I just feel very sad for him and a bit afraid. I really just want him to feel better about himself, his life, and the role he contributes to the world at large. I can't help but to feel heavy right now. I'm worried about him and I'm terrified that he's just going to give up one day.

I'm not sure if there's any advice to be given here, or if anyone has experience dealing with the same and seeing the person with BPD succeed nonetheless, but I'd really appreciate any kind of support that could be offered. I feel terrible.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

if it helps,

improvement and relapse often go hand in hand. improvement in and of itself can heighten fears and doubts. thats important for friends and family, and support system to know.

while also trying to heal myself

how is it going?